"I don't want to bail on him for circumstances he can't control. I don't want to give up on STBSS becoming happier (he didn't used to be so unhappy, all of this started when he started kindergarten), and I don't want to give up on the last 5 years. "

But a lot of this your STBDH can control/or deal with more than he is.

I am sure he is a wonderful guy but please let me tell you something, it is NOT going to get easier, you will get resentful because the constant fight eats away at the rest of your relationship. I'm with your dad. I think you should at the very least postpone the wedding for another year and live seperately until your fiance get's this straightened out to a livable solution.

Don't get married right now, don't rush it. I'm not saying end it but live seperate til things are under control. Let your fiance show you with his actions that he loves his son, you & your daughter enough to deal with his business. It's not up to you.

(((Hug))) I know it is not what you want to hear, but if you really want this relationship to last, then step back and let him deal with it. You are miserable with this situation & I would be too!!

Take your time, don't rush into marriage..life does not have to be this difficult.

"I know it is not what you want to hear"

Actually, it is.

The thought of calling off (or postponing) the wedding give sme a great sense of relief...but mixed in with a ton of sadness, as well. BUT that relief says something to me...I have been praying a lot in recent weeks for clear guidance on this issue...

THe more honest answers I get, the better.

Love,

I could have written your post several years ago. My SD was 5 when my DH got emergency and then full custody after a NASTY battle lasting a year and a half. SD's mom did the same exact things and many more, putting all her sadness and anger on her daughter's little shoulders, burdening her with all the details of how miserable she was, how the court case was going, what she thought about daddy and I - anything she could to 'win' SD over to 'her side.' There are lots over posts that get into some of her better moments if you ever want to search them out.

**I called finance bawling after I put the kids to bed, and he just said the same damn thing he always says--we need to continue the counseling and do the best we can. He'll be fine. Things will work out. He'll see the truth about BM down the road.
I don't think it's that simple.
This situation is going to destroy my sanity....I am already so irritable and edgy with this court stuff and I have found myself snapping at my daughter waaaay more than I have ever done before. I don't like that AT ALL.**

This was my life, in a nut shell, for many years. I almost didn't know myself anymore, I had become so angry, and because I attempted to bottle it all up it just got worse. I won't lie. This will take you right to the brink. You will have days that running in front of a bus seems like a better option than dealing with another day of this. You will turn yourself inside out trying to understand how a mother could treat her child like this and not see why it's so wrong. If you are like me you will exhaust so much time and energy into trying to help mom see the harm she is doing and stop. You will cry and scream and cry some more thinking it's gotten as bad as it can get, and then she'll do something else.

But, one day something will happen and your STBSS will think "huh. My mom is a bit selfish." And then the next time, he'll remember the last time and start to put things together. Then all of a sudden he'll be 13 and exclaim "There is just no point in even trying to talk to my mom. She only cares about herself and she can't even see it. Nothing I say will ever get through to her because she only hears what she wants" . . . just like my SD did today. Once they start to see things on their own it becomes a bit easier to step back. They don't need you to protect them as much - they start to stand up for themselves.

Today is a bad day for me to answer this post, but I still wouldn't trade the last 10 years for anything. They have been hellish, but they have also made me stronger. I don't regret staying every time I felt like I couldn't take another day. I've raised a wonderful girl who loves me to death, regardless of all her mother's efforts to stop that. She can look at the two of now and understand all I went through and all I put up with or gave up to put her first when her mother would not. It makes up for the last 10 years of feeling sick to my stomach daily.

Do I have any advice? Not today. I just want to make sure that however low you are feeling, that you don't feel alone.
Hugs to you.

I felt the SAME way you do. Everything that you describe is what happened AFTER we got married. Seven months after we got married, they got into a custody battle where BM confided in SD all the nasty details and drummed up SD's sympathy with her crocodile tears. Their trial was a week before our first wedding anniversary. (so much for the first year of married life being complete 'bliss')

Several weeks before we got married, I felt SOOOOO conflicted. Getting married is a big step when there are no kids involved. You have kids on both sides that are being affected and it IS a big deal.

Nobody can really tell you what you should or shouldn't do. We can tell you what we would do based on the facts as you've given them here, but that's only part of your story. If you have realistic expectations, you will not be so disappointed. When you have a child (or children as I did) who's father doesn't have anything to do with them and your with a guy that has been the only father she knows, it's easy to, for lack of a better term, 'pretend' you are a nuclear family. You are not. Blended families are much more work, more stressful and you will always be dealing with the mother of your step child. (or at least you will be affected by dealings with her). If she is causing problems, there are techniques that help. You can't change her behavior, you can only change your reaction to it (and your husband can change his)

If you need more time, postpone. People will understand. Nobody wants to hear about your divorce later, except maybe his ex, who will feel victorious. Listen to your dad, think long and HARD. Being a step parent is choosing to be selfless and at the same time, not allowing yourself to get lost in the mix.

Suggestions:

Parenting class. We took a step parenting class that was geared toward the specific problems step families face. It opened my husbands eyes to things he never had thought about. I had some prior knowledge from taking child development, marriage and family, and sociology classes that had touched on parenting and step family issues. (I had also been in a relationship where I helped raise my exBF's three kids for several years, so I knew some of the challenges) We also took a co-parenting class which was very similar but focused more on how to deal with the other parent, even when they are uncooperative.

Counseling: Couples counseling and family counseling with the stepson. Don't focus on problems mom is trying to cause, focus on your family and how to blend the two. You can't change BM. She will do whatever she wants when her son is there and the son will eventually see when mommy puts him in the middle. Unfortunately, he may not see it for years... decades even. Maybe never. The counseling should be geared to help you and your husband to communicate and be united in raising the kids. It isn't going to work if your husband doesn't think there is a problem. You can't drag him there and expect a counselor to 'fix' it. But, if he's willing, counseling can be very helpful. It can also help you decide if ending it is the right thing to do and if so, help you get your daughter through that.

Create those boundaries yourself: If your husband won't create boundaries with his ex, then you have to create your own boundaries. If that means that you disengage and he has to do the pick ups himself or hire someone, so be it. If he has to hire a babysitter so he can attend a work related event, he has to deal with his own child. You have to protect your child and there's nothing wrong with telling him that he needs to hire someone because his son says and does things to you or your daughter or other family members (or is just uncontrollable) and he needs to deal with it before you will put your daughter in a situation where his son is going to lash out at her.

It's your choice to make, but getting nervous is normal. Having doubts, I also think that's normal. I'd be more concerned if you didn't. Just realize how hard it's going to be and that BM can only interfere if you allow her. If you let her, she will control your every waking hour and many of your sleeping ones too.

good luck

I have to disagree w/catlettuce here....it DOES get better. Time is an amzing healer. When the dust settles, it will get better. I know Mom is un-frickin-believable, but is it possible that she is being worse than ever because your wedding day is getting closer? Do you think that on some (subconcious, maybe?) level, she thinks if she's crazy enough, you will throw in the towel? Then she'll have another chance with Dad? Maybe it's not even that...maybe it's just her way of dealing with things that put her over the edge. Whatever the reason, please don't think that it won't get better. Because, it can.

And JNM...AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!!!! The kids sure do figure it out, don't they? My SD15 said last week, "if my mom could just see my point of view, instead of her own selfish reasons....". I thought to myself, "they GET it!". You are sooooo right! Even though we've had a rough couple years with this custody thing, today it is all worth it.

Maybe the little boy SHOULD live with his mother and his baby sister (or is it brother?) most of the time. Just think for a minute how you would feel if your daughter was with you only half the time, and how she would feel. It makes no difference if she isn't mother of the year - she is his mother and he seems very attached to her. First grade is horribly stressful (apparently catholic kindergarten was too) and the boy doesn't need the additional stress of switching between homes every week.

Fifty/fifty custody when the parents live farther than a few minutes from each other is very, very difficult. It also doesn't work very well unless the parents get along.

Ah yes TOS! We must keep the poor defenceless little boy away from the Evil StepMommy lest she trap him in her secret dungeon or boil him in her stew pot!!!
Bwahahahaha!

Lovehadley: but seriously love it does get easier. On the whole they are a great bunch of supportive women here bar one or two bitter BB's (Bio-B****hes) and you should know who they are by now. *points above* Easilly ignored, So don't let them yapping scare you of. They'd argue with a wet Sock.

TOS,

If it was best for him to live with bm most of the time then the GAL wouldn't have arranged the 50/50 split. Why should the bm get more time than the dad? They are both the parents, just because they could not make things work between them does not mean that only one of them has a right to see their child more. The child is obviously saying things that have been brainwashed and guilted into him by his bm. Very selfish on her part, though I doubt you will admit that because you are a BM ONLY supporter.

Lovehadley,

You have been with your fiancee for 5 years and wanted to marry him. Think of that. Think of why you wanted to marry him. If the reasons go beyond how wonderful he is to your dd and include how happy he makes you then I say go ahead and marry him! Yes BM will make you deal with a lot of stress and ss will push your buttons. You have to find a way to let that go and not get so emotional over it. Every stepmom has to do that to keep their sanity. I am still working on that skill. Some days the bm makes me so mad I want to scream at my dh for ever having children with such a horrible creature. But most days I look at my dh an realize how happy I truly am and I look at my skids and think about how much I love them and how much joy they bring me.

It will not be an easy road, but you can make it work. It will take a lot more patience and understanding then most relationships and it will be difficult, but everything worth having requires hard work, right?

I don't know if I love him anymore.

I am so sick over how everything and I've started to realize how much resentment I have towards him for creating this situation and not handling it in the beginning like he should have.

and I am kicking myself for not leaving years ago--when so many of my friends and family told me I should. It sucks how love blinds a person to not be able to see the truth of a situation. Everyone used to tell me that it was too much to take on, that my fiance didn't set and enforce boundaries with his ex....and I just lived in my stupid state of denial and felt things would get better.

Then the issues with STBSS started a little over a year ago and have gotten progressively worse. I used to think if it was just BM being a crazy nut that I could handle it, but now her behavior is directly impacting her son's behavior and attitude towards us.

Don't get me wrong, I don't BLAME him for the way things are....he is a child, an impressionable child, and of course he will want to please mama and feel conflicted about the two houses. BUT that doesn't change the fact, even if it's not his fault, that the way things have been are negatively impacting my DD.

And my fiance's answer to everything is "it's temporary." He is such a friggin' optimist--he buries his head in the sand and thinks things will just work themselves out. He accuses me of being negative about the situation---when I see it as being realistic.

I think STBSS' behavior will get worse before it gets better. I don't think he is going to magically wake up one day and think "wow, my mom is an @$$ and my dad and stepmom really did love me and try to do the best for me." Maybe gradually over time, or maybe never...

How can I build a marriage and a family on maybes? I want to have more children, I want to live a peaceful live with a peaceful home...

I understand that I need to "detach" emotionally, but I'm not sure how to do that. I am watching STBSS all day again today because my fiance has to work. He does this all the time. If I complain, then he starts in about how he has to make money. I understand that--and feel that as his soon-to-be-wife I should support that. I DO support that. I mean, if STBSS were my bio-son, as well as my DD, I wouldn't even think to complain about having to be the caregiver on Saturdays.

So why is it different because he's my step? It shouldn't be in a perfect world, but it is.

Fiance talks a good game and SAYS he will keep me and my DD isolated as much as possible from the BS--but I know him and in truth, when it comes down to it, it is me he relies on to watch his son. He is always the one that says to me--well, if they were both your kids, you would do it, no questions asked.

And he's right. I would.

I could continue teaching next year and argue that I contribute my fair share to the family financially and am therefore "off the hook" for childcare. (He sees it that if I am not working, then I need to pick up the slack with STBSS.)

BUT I have taught for the last 4 years--I taught all last year and I STILL had to pick my STBSS up from school 3 or 4 days a week AND watch him all day every other Saturday. My fiance doesn't get home from work until 6-6:30ish. So I was responsible for watching him for about 3 hours in the evening 3-4 days a week.

SO--if I am working or not working, it seems that I am still expected to be responsible as much as possible for STBSS.

Maybe I should welcome that....I don't know...but at this point, I just don't.

I am overwhelmed, feeling on the verge of a panic attack. I woke up this AM with that feeling of dread...

I have been praying for clear guidance and I think this is becoming pretty clear. I just need to pray for the strength now to do whatever I need to do.

At the very least, I need to postpone this wedding.

I feel for your angst. I am not certain if 50/50 ever works, and I think judges/GALs recommend it as it the flavor of the week. I have 50/50 custody, with no set hours, and my DD spends 97% of her time with me, although her Dad can see her whenever he is in town (he travels a lot). I see a lot of 50/50 problems including you cant make a parent take the child for his/her share, some people do it to minimize CS. When I agreed to 50/50 I kneew that my DD would essentially be living with me.

I don't have much advice to offer...
But between my brother's son (8yo), my stepsister's sons (12yo and 9yo) and my FDH's son (9yo) I've noticed that little boys have a rough patch between about 5 and 8 years old...
All of those boys seriously tested boundaries, did deliberately rude/defiant things, screamed hurtful things, and so on, during that age range.
For my nephew it was 4-7, for FDH's son it was 6-8, and for my stepsis's kids (who I don't know as well, because they live in the next province) it was 5-7 for the younger and 6-8 for the older.
But now they are all nice boys who are a pleasure to be around (most of the time - LOL!)

If you think your FDH is worth sticking out the rough parts, then lay down the law of what you will and will not do until your STBSS's behavior improves and STICK to it. If you don't think he's worth it, well, canceling a wedding is a lot cheaper than getting a divorce.

Every once in a while I have to turn and walk away from this forum and this is one one of those times. Speaking as someone who lived torn up like this for over 30, do you want to spend years of your precious life living like this. Listen to your instincts, it's not going to change and it's not worth it and you are not married to him yet. Single people say their lonely, but the worst loneliness is being lonely while married.

"I see a lot of 50/50 problems including you cant make a parent take the child for his/her share, some people do it to minimize CS."
I can see how that would be a potential problem.

My fiance truly doesn't have 50-50 for that reason, though. He really, really loves and cherishes his son and wants a good relationship with him. I think he bends over backwards to make sure he isn't the father his own father was.

See, when my fiance was 6 and his brother was 4, their parents divorced. His dad moved about 1500 miles away and remarried and had two daughters. He and his second wife have now been married for 25 years.

He was never around for his two boys in the other state. He saw them for a week in the summer for 2 or 3 years and then stopped the visits altogether. I really don't know how often he called, or if he even did.

In a teeny bit of fairness to him, this was back in the 1970s and dads just didn't have the parental rights they do now. My fiance's mom is a total nut, too, and fiance has NO relationship with her today at all--hasn't in about 5 years. I'm not sure how much she stood in the way of her sons having a relationship with their father--at the very least, I am sure she didn't help.

Fiance has a good relationship with his dad today, ironically. They talk on the phone 1 or 2 a week, and he is coming to our wedding. We have been to visit him in his state once, as well. The half-sisters are both in college now, but very sweet, and the "stepmom" was warm and welcoming.

BUT I know that, rightly so, my fiance has major issues with his dad bailing on him and his brother. He is determined to be a better father to his own son, which is commendable.

But it also backfires in a way because, IMO, he is too lax on a lot of things. He will SAY a lot of things but never really follows through on much of anything. He tells me a lot that he doesn't want to have to spend his limited time with son fighting and arguing---so I know he has a lot of guilt and doesn't want to be the parent to set limits. (BM definitely does not.)

I am not sure that my fiance will ever be able to full overcome that.

I'm not saying he doesn't set boundaries/try to be a consistent parent---he does sometimes--but a lot of other times, he just doesn't, and I think it's out of guilt.

"Single people say their lonely, but the worst loneliness is being lonely while married."

So true.

That's funny you would say that becauseI just told fiance this morning that I have never felt more alone in my life.

LOVE-

It honestly sounds like you've already made up your mind and you want to leave. We've probably all been there in one way or another. It's a hard step to take, but you should probably trust your instincts. I'm not trying to hijack your post, but here are two sides of my coin to chew on.

My parents didn't want me to marry my first husband because he was "TOO IMMATURE" and "VERY SHELTERED", but I didn't listen. I knew fairly soon into that marriage that they were right, but I was young and didn't want to admit it to them. I ended up being more like a mommy to him than a wife. I was miserable and he was oblivious. I stayed entirely too long because I loved him, although not like I did previously. He was and still is a really good person, but not someone with whom to be a partner. I understand from our mutual friends that his current relationship is similar to ours - mommy and child.

I am getting married in two months. BF has two adult DD's. They live w/us and sometimes it is trying. They aren't bad young women, the youngest is hardly ever here, but the older one recently moved back in after one year on her own and acts like we owe her a living, as well as maid service. When BF informed me that she was coming back to live here, he said that he told her that she will have to pay rent and pitch in w/house hold chores. She does neither. She was too poor to afford her rent increase, but took a month long trip abroad. She said she would be here for 6 months, which means we have two months left; but living here rent free and working full-time leaves a nice disposable income. She has decided to get another degree (she sprung it on him last week), so much for six months. I imagine she will be with us another three years :o(. I know what I am getting into because he will never follow thru and be the bad guy. I am sure I will have to suck it up more than once.

On that note, you know how you feel and how your father feels. You also know what you will enter into should you decided to stay. Good luck. Which ever you choose, it will work out.

If nothing else, maybe a break would be a much needed wake up call for your Fiance. It sounds like he's taking you for granted and has unrealistic expectations for you. Guilting you doing things because "if he were yours" is a manipulation tactic and the same kind of tactic BM is using on her kid by crying at the bus stop. The more you write, the more dysfunctional it all sounds. Your Fiance has to remember that you are NOT his child's mother. Remember, she's the one that's giving you the hard time and making her son feel guilty and putting him in the middle? I'd tell him that as soon as he starts handling his ex's CRAP, then you'd be willing to do whatever he needs without complaint. He can't have it both ways. I put up with a lot because my husband handles his ex. If she starts anything, he stands up for me and deals with her. (it might help that BM is afraid of me, although I don't know why) If his daughter is not behaving, it becomes HIS problem.

My husband and I broke up once, for about a month. It had nothing to do with his ex or daughter, but we were just dating and he casually made a comment that he'd never get married again. I was 34 and wanted to eventually get married, I was not in it for a casual or long term dating arrangement (I felt he was 'the one' for me)... so I left. I started dating again right away (not getting any younger and wasn't going to let him think that I was going to pine away for him) and he came to me a month later in tears that he couldn't live without me. We talked and were able to work it out. We were married a year later.

If you are doubting your love for him, perhaps some time apart will help you both sort out your feelings.

I agree with who ever said that BM may be trying to sabotage your wedding. Maybe she wants another shot at him or maybe she doesn't want to see him happy with anyone else. Personally, I don't think it's personal against you. I think that no matter who he is with, she will feel threatened, if nothing more than you seem like a 'better' mom than her. (if she has self esteem issues or if you are more involved than she is... I know my SD's mom had a problem because she played the 'supermom' role, saying she was involved with PTA and so involved with her kids, but as soon as I came on scene, that facade crumbled. She gets very offended if anyone says or even implies that she isn't a wonderful mom, despite the fact she has abandoned both her kids in favor of a guy she just met)

I agree that it might do you some good to spend some time alone, thinking. This forum is a wonderful place but it is also not a good place to make such a tough decision. Gerina is right, no matter what you decide, it will work out. If you focus on you and your family, and ignore what BM does (let him deal with her) things will get better. When she realizes she doesn't have the power to run your life, she will go find someone else to bother... or spend it with her other child. She probably enjoys getting a reaction... just like another poster on this board. Good luck.

I see a few red flags as I read your post now. I had attributed your hesitance to marry in a few weeks to a case of cold feet. But as you write more I am seeing some seriousness to your feelings. Many people ignore their gut instincts and kick themselves later for it. If your family and friends have all warned you against this guy there may be a good reason for it. Is it all due to his custody situation? Or are there other reasons they warned you about him?

It sounds like you may have your mind set on not going through with this wedding. You need to talk to your fiancee NOW about this and decide if the wedding is a good idea or if you need to postpone it or call it off altogether. Just think of your situation and how you might think of it in a few years.

In a few years you could be saying "I am so glad I ended that relationship". Or you could be saying "I threw away my true love because I didn't want to deal with the situation and I wish I would have stayed". But if you stay you may still be thinking you should have ended it years ago. Only you know what is best for you and what choice you want to live with.

Good luck.

"Is it all due to his custody situation? Or are there other reasons they warned you about him?"

No, just the issues with the ex. I am a huge TALKER and I confide in my friends and family about things. So right from the start, I told them about BM showing up drunk at his house in the middle of the night, and just the crazy phone calls, harrassment, etc. People were concerned that he didn't do more to set boundaries with her.

I had this notion that once he went to court with her, he'd be able to set boundaries because they are already in place--but I am beginning to think now that he will NEVER enforce them.

The GAL said BM is only to call once per day---usually at night--to talk to her son.

Well, it is 4 pm and she has seriously called me personally 6 times. Sigh. Fiance met us at the pool this afternoon and was already on the phone aruging with her--WHY? I swear he gets something out of it. At this point, with the courts involved, and the GAL, there is really no need for them to aruge. Of course they will need to have short conversations here and there regarding their son; but there is no need to argue and let is ruin one's day.

And just yesterday, with the bus stop fiasco, he told her that she didn't need to call him again---that if there was ever anything to discuss, she should just email.

I was pleased to hear he put his foot down.

But then today, after she must have called his cell a bunch, he answered and they got into it....

If he would just TRULY put his foot down and STICK WITH IT, she might eventually stop being insane. Otherwise--I think not.

I agree that you need a break from this whole situation to sort out your feelings. A few days away with your DD would probably do you both some good.

A few months away from your fiance would force him to come up with a workable custody agreement. It sounds to me like he wants to have it both ways. He wants joint custody, but doesn't want to make the work/money sacrifices for shared custody.

I disagree with those who say it will get better. Biomom and her issues will always be part of your life. Even if your fiance gets full custody (unlikely since biomom doesn't work) I doubt any judge will deny her visitation. I know it's hard to figure out if this man is worth the aggravation. You also have to decide if this is the relationship model you want for your DD.

You are in a very tough spot ((lovehadley))

Bio mom and her issues will always be a part of your life. But it can improve.

Your fiancee does need to stick with his boundries. If he tells her that she needs to e-mail then he should not answer his phone except for the one call per day that she is allowed when he has the child. And if she calls more than once per day let it go to voicemail! If she begins arguing on the phone he can hang up and not answer again that day! It takes 2 to argue.

If he puts his foot down and keeps it down she will get the hint eventually. If nobody answers after her one call per day she will get the hint hopefully and stop calling more than once. If she asks the next day why nobody answered he needs to restate the GAL's rules of one call per day. He needs to talk to the GAL about bm not meeting him at the bus on his days because of the confusion it causes the child. Chances are if she was not there the pick-up would have gone better.

The GAL needs to be made aware of the numerous phone calls and whatever bm does to not stick to the agreement. Then the GAL will probably reiterate the agreement to her and she may then follow it.

May is the operative word. I haven't seen anything in OP's posts to indicate that BM has any intention of sticking to any agreements that aren't to her liking. Add that to the fact that fiance likes to argue with BM - and improvement is unlikely. A tough situation, but it's out of OP's hands. She can marry, have a baby, set her own boundaries and stick to them when faced with DH's 'you'd do it for your kid' manipulations. Or, postpone the wedding and wait for fiance to get truly fed up with the ex. Or, call the whole thing off, send those funny "oops picked the wrong guy" cards to the wedding invitees, and build a life with her daughter.

I can certainly relate to crazy alcoholic scammer biomom stories. My DH was pretty good about minimizing biomom drama but minor annoyances add up over the years. When DH wouldn't take her calls ... she'd block her caller ID, use one of the kids' cell phones, call his job and cry to the receptionist. Her being 4 hours late to a drop off or pickup could ruin a weekend. Moving the kids 2 hours away, showing up drunk at his job, using his social security number to get credit, refusing to let skids come for a holiday, numerous CS increases. AS we all know, those little things will chip away at a marriage if you don't have a very strong foundation going in (not to mention your own money).

Better to take those vows thinking, it will be tough, but we'll love each other through it than this sucks, I hope he'll put his foot down someday.

lovehadley,

My heart hurts for you. After reading all the great advice here, I would also recommend postponing the wedding and giving him a few months to straighten out the custody situation, perhaps with you and your DD living separately. This will probably be a huge wake-up call to him to shape up or lose you. Irrespective of any financial losses being that the wedding is so close, if that's what it takes so be it. The best indication of what someone will do is what they have done in the past (to quote Dr. Phil - but so true). If things improve, you can go into the marriage with confidence. If they don't, then you will know that you made the right decision for you and your DD, however painful.

I have white-knuckled it through times when deep down I knew the answer already. You always circle back to it, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise...and you shouldn't have to talk youself into getting married. Even though you have already been together for several years, at the end of the day there's no hurry. Take the extra time you need to be sure. I will pray for you too, take care of yourself.

How many hours a week does your fiance actually spend with his son when he is at his house, if he doesn't get home until six or six-thirty, and works some (a lot of?) Saturdays? It seems like you spend a lot more time with his son than he does, much of it in the car. If, hypothetically, the boy's mother had primary custody and your fiance took him to dinner/sports practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and your fiance had EOW visitation (and was actually home), would he actually be with his son much less than he is under the current setup?

Is anybody happy now? Certainly not you, not the boy, not his mother, and not your daughter.

Hmmm. I have to think about the hours.

Fiance just opened a new store, in addition to his dealership, and getting it off the ground has been time consuming. Honestly, the last 6 months he has been working until 7 pm. Prior to that, he was usually home by 6-6:30.

At 6 pm, that would give him about 2.5 hrs with his son before bedtime. So just say 7 hours-8 hours during the week. And then he does work every Saturday. He usually tries to pick his son up from BM at 3 pm on Sat. But if I'm watching him, then it is usually closer to 5 pm that he gets home.

He took the afternoon off today because I was pretty much ready to go insane and told him he HAD to.

I have thought about the every other weekend deal (Fri at 4 pm to Mon at 9 am) and maybe 1 night during the week, like Wed?

That would be less than 50-50, maybe more of a 60-40 split.

I guess it really is for my fiance to figure out.

With all due respect, I just want to point out here that it's so ironic that theotherside has suggested that the child should live with mom most of the time and now she's suggesting that because dad works, it would be better for the child to be with mom since he really doesn't spend much time with the boy each day.

Two points here;

1) If a stepmom suggested a reduction in time with dad, kkny would be on it in a minute, blasting that she's keeping the kids from being with dad. Yet, not a word of criticism for TOS suggesting he give mom custody and take EOW.

2) TOS works and presumably sees her own kids only a few hours in the evening, after work until bedtime. Why is it not okay for a dad to do the same? Isn't the time each evening, 'quality' time. Having dinner together, watching TV, doing homework or just talking and being able to tuck your child into bed. Would you give that up with YOUR kids to spend a bigger block of time on weekends theotherside?

love,

It is for him to figure out. If you can, get him some information on disengaging (it will help both of you). Talk to him about how his part in the drama, keeps it going. Let him know that this isn't how you pictured your life with him, you want less drama and more peace. and if you go through with the wedding, do not have a baby right away. Wait until things have calmed down and he gets a handle on the situation. Blending families is a lot of work, there are jealousies and rivalry among existing kids. Bringing another one in during a chaotic period will not 'bring everyone closer', it can but it can also tear them further apart.

I don't work the hours that lovehadley's fiance works, and I worked less than I do now when my kids were younger.

It is not that the father works, it is that he works such long hours. It seems that lovehadley is spending much more time with the boy than his father is, when the boy would rather be with his mother, his mother would rather have him with her, and both lovehadley and her daughter would be a lot happier if he were. And no one likes spending that much time in the car.

I strongly believe that you should not go through with this wedding. But should you decide to go through with this, DO NOT quit your job right now. Imagine how much more difficult this would be if you didn't heave the financial means to leave this relationship.

I agree with postponing the wedding until these issues are settled. I promise you, it CAN get better, and that is up to your fiancee, but also up to you as well. Once he has addressed the issues with her, you will see a very dramatic turnaround in the behaviour of the child. Don't make that your issue because it's not.

Your BM is behaving this way because a) she is being allowed to, and b) she is getting something out of it - satisfaction, attention, drama, pity - she is getting whatever reaction she wants and she is feeding off it. And you know what - your fiancee is getting something out of it as well. You both just need to figure out what that is.

If your fiancee says only call once a day and then he answers the phone and argues with her several times a day, then he is teaching her that she doesn't have to take him seriously and she can do whatever she wants, regardless of what he says. HE is giving her permission to do this!

I don't see a problem with you being the primary caretaker if your fiancee is working - don't worry about that - but he needs to give you a LOT more support. This is not your child, and you are not a glorified unpaid babysitter and nanny.

What I would suggest is to get yourself in a place of absolute calm - take some time out and go for a long walk, have a massage, go get yourself an iced coffee or something - and just BE. Just sit and relax and clear your head. Don't sit and worry and stress about the situation. Don't even let yourself think about it. Just relax.

Then when you are feeling in a more relaxed frame of mind, sit down with him and have a talk. No shouting, accusing, crying - NO DRAMA - and discuss it calmly with him. I assure you, I know how difficult this is, especially when tensions are running high - but the benefits are enormous. One point you need to make clear to him, in a loving way, is that if you leave then it's expected that sometime in the future he will meet someone else, and if these particular issues are not resolved, then that woman, and every other woman after her, will leave the same way.

The one thing I said to my DH, a long long time ago, when I faced VERY similar problems that you are dealing with, was this, "If you are not able or not willing to address the disruptive and destructive behaviour that you are allowing to continue, through your ex wife and into OUR family, then you will always be alone. No woman - not me, not any other woman with any self-respect - will put up with it. That is your choice."

Actually, I told him that he would never EVER have sex again unless he paid for it :) But don't try that unless you both have a very wicked and evil sense of humour like we have - he took it the right way and it gave us both a chuckle :D

I said this out of love, and in understanding for the very difficult position that he was in with an ex wife who behaved like your BM. And it IS difficult for the man as well, trying to keep two women happy, for different reasons.

One more thing - start taking a more logical approach over this situation. Men don't respond well to emotion, and the last thing he will want is drama from his ex and then drama from you as well. Where is his peace? His place of safety and security and comfort? Once I stopped fighting with my DH over this issue, and instead gave him a soft place to land after her erratic and aggressive behaviour and attacks, and once I LET GO OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP and helped him build up the self-esteem that she was working so hard to rip to shreds every day, and gave him the strength to believe he COULD have a more peaceful life by being more assertive with her, he started seeing it for himself, and he started changing things. NOT because I wanted him to (and of course I did!), but because I told him that his actions with BM were hurting me and hurting our marriage and family deeply, and I was going to put my faith in him and trust in him to protect us from that and to take care of the situation so that OUR family and marriage could be peaceful, loving and safe.

Today, I can promise you, our BM is not an issue in our lives in any way. No tantrums, no threats, no aggression, no phone calls, no 20 text messages a day, no 10 emails a day, no fighting, no drama, no problems.

HE is the one who has to do this, but YOU are the one who can make that happen for him.

All the best x

starr,

I think that lovehadley has already resigned from her job.

"I don't see a problem with you being the primary caretaker if your fiancee is working - don't worry about that - but he needs to give you a LOT more support. This is not your child, and you are not a glorified unpaid babysitter and nanny. "

If you an adult living with someone and not working, I think you are paid. The question is whether you are think you are being paid and treated fairly.

I did not renew my contract for the upcoming school year.

I'm not concerned with that, though, I have enough in savings to get by for awhile until I found another job.

The disappointment would be in that I wouldn't go back to my old school, because I really loved it.

But I could certainly find another job.

Thanks for ALL your advice everyone. All your words have put things into great perspective for me, and given me opinions to think about, and scenarios to consider. I am going to sit down and have a talk with my fiance this week. The invitations haven't gone out yet, not until next weekend (6 weeks in advance) so I would really like to come to some sort of agreement with him prior to that.

I am going to suggest postponing the wedding initially--but I kind of feel like that is going to really be the end. I'm not sure I want to sit around and wait for 6 months or a year to see if he gets the situation under control.

I am of the firm belief that people don't really change, fundamentally. I think they CAN and DO sometimes but RARELY. I am not willing to wait around and spend more precious time of my daughter's childhood, and my life with the hope that he *might* change.

I've told him before that no woman would put up with this and he even agrees.

I think he just thinks I will tolerate it because I have for so long.

I still think after reading all these insightful posts, that you should postpone the wedding.

Why be in such a hurry? And agree with above poster divorce is far more expensive and traumatic than postponing things. Your fiance loves you and while he may be hurt surely he can understand that this is just too much to expect any new bride to deal with.

I agree also it seems he is getting some sort of emotional payoff from arguing with BM, I don't understand it but by continuing to argue and answer the phone multiple times keeps it going.

As far as her texting and calling you several times a day, I used to get that from my G-son's mother when SS29 wouldn't answer her calls. They share custody and she is bi-polar, easily upset by change etc..Anyway what I did to stop her phone harrassment was easy. I filed for and was granted a restraining order. I went before the judge with my phone and scrolled through all the texts, calls etc and got it with no problem.

G-son's mom on probation from 4 previous felonies, calls stopped immediately. I hve no problems taking a call from her regarding G-son, emergencies etc but will not be harrassed.

Trust me sweetie, take your time, do not be in a rush to get married. Your fiance needs to take care of this messy situation and get things calm and and a workable custody situation so when you do get married you can enjoy being newlyweds, not be constantly harrassed and upset with issues from his previous mariage. Life is too short.