Oh Susan :( Don't burden yourself so much!! Let me start by saying the core of every family is the marriage, children grow and leave home but the marriage is supposed to endure putting grown children ahead of the core is ridiculous. His behavior with his son is completely out of line. Your expectations are correct, your husband is an enabler and just perpetuates his son's inabilities by not setting requirements for him and allowing him to live a 'partying' life. He will regret this when his son is 30 and still mooching. If I had been in your shoes and saw him spending money on designer jeans while I was scraping to meet the mortgage I would have hit him with a very hefty rent fee.

Your husband needs to work on being just that, a husband. ESPECIALLY with your poor health..he says your an angry woman, I'd be furious if I had to put up with half of what you do! If I were you, I would try to have one more heart to heart with him and if he still can't see the obvious then head for the door (funny enough it takes leaving to give some men a wakeup call) and if it doesn't than move on. Its better to be alone and at peace than with someone who makes you miserable.

Susan,

I am so sorry about your situation. It does seem like you have made many personal sacrifices to be with your DH, and he doesn't seem to have been very accomodating to you. Maybe he was single for too much of his adult life? He is a selfish, enabling parent. You are not a resentful, jealous SM. If you are, then I guess I am, too. When my 2 SSs moved in with us full-time a couple of years ago, the older one, who had been use to have daily parties at his BioMom's house, assumed those parties (marijuana and underage drinking) could continue at our house. I was incredibly unhappy. I didn't want that crap in my home, especially since we have younger children. SS's response to me telling him that wasn't allowed? "What are you going to do? Kick me out of my dad's house?" My DH, although also unhappy about the situation, unfortunately was too afraid to say something to son, afraid that son would get mad at him. This went on for several months, until I told DH that unless he put a stop to it, I would be leaving with the younger kids. He talked to son, and son no longer brought that lifestyle into our home.

During this period of time, and the period that followed when we realized SS#2 was also heavily involved with drugs and alcohol, both of my SSs thought I was the wicked SM who just couldn't be nice to their friends. (It was difficult to be cordial to people dropping by my house at midnight to smoke weed. Sorry.)

I was ready to walk out on this marriage because I did not have the support of DH to change the things in my own home that I couldn't live with. It was only after DH realized what was at stake that he knew he had to step up and be a father to his sons, not a friend (and enabler).

If your husband is unwilling to make some necessary changes (which do not seem unreasonable at all), then he is not being a supportive and loving husband, and you are better off cutting your losses. If not for your finances, then for your own sanity and physical health.

Do you have a good divorce lawyer?

Susan,

No, you're not being unreasonable. But yes, I would insist on one last attempt at counseling. Our first go of it was rather mediocre, at best. This last one was amazing for both of us. It truly made all the difference in the world.

DH likes to work from home on a large property which leaves you having to like it or lump it - AND the huge commute? Selfish.

DH wanted to have a room for his DS and be close to his mom - now that, I understood. It has always been the three of them and I think you were being considerate to not jump in and get rid of anything from the past. You were very obliging to continue to give in and try not to rock the boat too much. But, now, his mother is gone. His son is an adult. Yes, for years, it has just been the two of them and the relationship is VERY co-dependent. That was sweet - that he attempted to be both mother and father, but now he has a grown MAN who cannot stand on his own two feet. It was also great that he kept connected w/ his first wife's family - probably important for his son and the g-parents. I'm sure they didn't want to lose their g-son after burying their DD.

So, on the surface, I see a man in your DH who tried to accomodate everyone else in his life, but now has a wife that he has left to fend for herself. It isn't fair, your health has suffered - and I'm a huge believer in the stress you're under causing your immune system to weaken.

Your husband's goal, and any parent's goal, is to raise their children to be self-sufficient ADULTS. Instead, I see an entire generation of grown MEN viewing themselves as dependent teenagers. I don't know what exactly went wrong - giving too much, doing too much or what, but these boys are, well, boys. They should be men by now. If he were a man - independent, thriving, working, dating, I'm sure you'd have no problem w/ his visits or whatever. However, he sounds so much like my SS. My DH finally has seen the light and has vowed to stop being his enabler (though we can't get rid of the stupid car the guy had no business getting in the first place.)

I do hope you can seek some counseling. It did make a difference for us. I, too, felt no love for my DH just a few months ago - wondered if it would ever return. Like you, I'm bitter that I was also talked into several things that went against my gut instincts. But, we have to move on.

Your DH and mine are both very nice, very well-liked, and are trying to do the best they can by their kid(s). However, in their unending devotion (which is fine to a certain limit), they have lost us along the way.

Has he spoken to your Drs. at all about your condition, the wear and tear on your body that the stress, the commute, etc. has taken? It seems like there's no one whispering in his ear that the relationship he should be devoted to the most at this stage is the one w/ his life partner.

I wish you well. Feel better, give the counseling one last try - I was just like you in April when I came here. Hurt, not supported, alone and abandoned - or so I felt, by my husband. Would he be at all sympathetic to you wanting to be near YOUR family now? Have you considered looking for a place there or is it financially not possible w/ the money pit you bought w/ him?

Dana

Thanks so much. I worked a long day. I was off the past two days...sick with Lyme disease...probably in our wooden back yard. Ironic :)

My husband does not want counseling. He wants us to live in this house, until it is finished and sell it. The market is so bad right now, we would loose our shirts. I was a wreck last night. But this morning, I thought of my wonderful son, parents and sister...and the wonderful support I have found on this sight, and I feel better.

I really want to set a good example for my son. He has had it really hard. He has seen me go through two divorces and financial ruin. I just don't want him to think I am a failure by another divorce. I hope he doesn't.

I plan to reread these posts tomorrow. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Thanks for the support.
Susan