Well, Susan, we have certainly weathered the good and the bad. DH is 19 yrs. older than I am. When I married him, I thought I could bring this family together. The kids and DH were largely estranged - he still had visitation, but they hated him - mom was guilty of divorce poisoning. To be honest, I went through an awful stage recently, and many more nearly as bad stages over the course of our ten year marriage.

We are both dentists - most think we're VERY successful. We moved into our dream house a year ago - it's huge, modern, and gorgeous. We would be OK financially were it not for a fire close to 2.5 years ago that the ins. co. has yet to pay a cent for. So, we were living at our office (ground floor) w/ three very young boys while our home was being constructed (had a crooked contractor, too, that hurt us w/ $ also), lost all our personal possessions, moved into several temp residences and finally, our home. A few months later, SD moved in. My issues are LARGELY w/ the way my Dh parents his adult children. They seem to believe we are the Rockefeller's and he's sure not to disappoint. This grown (24) SD moved in and I was treated like the hired help (of which there is none, so I was the maid, the cook, the dry cleaner...) Anyway, I have no problem w/ being close to family, though I believe my grown SKids are 'close' when it's to their advantage. The girls didn't attend our wedding, the son did 'because he wanted his father to buy him a car'...the exact words of DH's ex; DH was her 3rd husband and she was 5 mos. pg when they married, but stayed together for 14 years til she started sleeping w/ the older SD's tennis coach - then pinned ME as a homewrecker. So, I have endured my share of crappy behavior from these skids through the years and have difficulties just letting it all go - esp. when it resurfaces periodically.

We once attended counseling for a crisis re: the skids, got advice, moved on and never returned. In April, I had had it w/ my DH and his DD as she attacked me one night (verbally) and he stood by HER and said nothing. My good friend gave me the line I gave you...about telling him this is worth saving to me and if he feels the same, join me at the therapist's office. We have three young boys, also, to consider, so it would have been much harder to leave, not that I was seriously contemplating that, but I was certainly thinking that I needed more of this like a hole in the head!

My DH suddenly felt compelled to listen to this therapist (not the same one we had before) and she really helped him to see that his rewarding bad behavior and his not allowing his kids to fend for themselves was actually undermining their confidence, problem-solving abilities, and basically every relationship they have w/ other people as no one else would 'take care of everything' like Dad had. Again, it would have been easier to watch, financially, had this fire not happened and we had a few dollars to our names, but we are flat broke until this thing settles w/ the ins. co. We have properties and great assets, but no cash - yet we pay for THREE cars for THREE ADULTS - $1400/mo. Sheesh!

We have gone from totally leading separate lives a few months ago (and for other spells over the years) to being happy, but poor again. Now, he hasn't done all the things the therapist wants him to do - like change over the cars, the girl's ins, stop paying for their cell phones, but he's made attempts and I do understand how he wouldn't want to one day say, "OK the gravy train stops - foot your own bills!" The therapist helped us w/ dialogue, "Girls, you need to take responsibility for these things so that you can establish a good credit rating...." We're working on it slowly. The skids have always had a huge sense of entitlement, most things are beneath them, etc. The girls, however, are at least working.

W/ the SS, we worry about drugs, though we hear there's no $ for it as he just won't work. The bf he lives w/ plays both sides of his family - both parents have remarried, both enable him and he seems like he's floating all about from one school/idea to the next. My SS never finished, as I said, but I'm paying back his GSL that I was foolish enough to cosign for.

We heard he was headed our way, but it didn't happen. On some levels I was disappointed as I wanted to see him back, w/ a new attitude, and the promise to make it all up to us. I guess that won't ever happen and my thoughts were in Fantasyland. I had once feared terribly that he was in harm's way - we filled out missing person's reports - went to Disney World all the time, but we were really searching for him in Orlando and didn't want our kids to know. So, DH would spend the day at the police station while I played w/ the boys or took them to the parks, etc. It was a tough first 6 mo. when he stopped contacting us. I do care about him but am really disappointed in him. This is a waste of his life and he has hurt us. DH doesn't speak much about it or him - still texts him, still asks his DDs if they've heard from him, etc.

It's tough. Counseling could really help you both. I wish you luck and I'm considering starting an email loop if you're interested. I had thought this board was a support forum, but many times, it is far from that w/ some members. Many of the women are wonderful and very helpful.

Dana

I would like to be part of the loop. I don't really have any friends out where I live and don't want to share these problems with my family. I see a psychiatrist, but so far we have only talked about my health issues...I have autoimmune arthrits. I commute 1.5 hrs. each way to my job as a graphic designer at Northwestern University in Chicago. I sit frozen at the computer all day. I am in incredible pain by the time I get home and I usually just want to go to bed. It's a problem. We lived in our 100 yr old house during 5 month gut and rehab. I became sick shortly after it was finished.

So sorry about the fire. Living through a rehab pales in comparison to losing everything to a fire. Plus having the family issues...GEEZ How is Your health? Susan

Susan,

Being in a commercial bldg, the sprinklers went off, so our losses were all due to water damage/mold, etc. There were some things that were smoke damaged, very few actually 'burned' but the water damage is terrible - baseboards are still removed, drywall cut open at the bottom to prevent mold though after all this time, we have to actually remove every wall, etc.

The fire chief put it all into perspective for me - he said, "If this happened in the middle of the night, you'd have lost that little boy..." and he pointed to my then 11 month old. He said that babies are very susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, etc. So, I'll take the financial hit any day.

Did you have mold issues during your rehab? Your health issues sound awful. So, so sorry.

Dana

Hi Dana,

I have found your posts to be particularly insightful. I can relate to your situation. The only advice that I would offer is that you should retain an attorney experienced in negotiating settlements from insurance companies. He/She will require a hefty fee, but I believe it will be worthwhile.

Would you add me to your email loop?

Thanks

Hi newstepmom and thanks for the great advice. I have yet to form the email loop, but think it's a great idea. I'll post here if I get it up and running. I have a lot of fun w/ my other one - about raising boys.

We hired an independent adjuster, who then hired an appraiser, and we do have an atty working on this to a lesser degree. We're already out 10% to the adjusters, 5% to the appraiser - so the numbers have to be decent for us to make ends meet.

Thanks for the vote of confidence here. Sometimes it seems like I can do no right, know what I mean? I guess we've all felt that way from time to time.

Dana