You have to make your own choice, but I agree with colleenoz for the very reasons she stated so well.

Can you try to have as much one on one time with child #1 and give up on the family integration thing for now? See her outside your home? Your current wife will no longer be burdened with this situation and your first child will have you to herself for a time (and it's my guess that this is what the child needs.)

So, he is to give up his wife and a 3yo daughter for a 10yo daughter that has had problems in school, etc.? His wife and 3yo are called "a family integration thing."

And, he is to reward this 10yo for her negative behavior by throwing his wife and 3yo to the wind? Must be some powerful 10yo. Even if you go strictly by genetics, the 10yo is just as much related to dad as the 3yo.

I don't know what slothman would choose to do, but here is a story I came across about what happened when a parent decided to be a parent rather than letting his child parent or make decisions for him:

"Our neighbors whom we have
known for almost 10 years are the nicest, generous people you would want to
meet. Re-marriages and the husbands teen daughter was ugly and I mean ugly to
the wife. At approx. 14 years of age he boots her out of the house (they shared
custody) and tells BM (his ex), 'daughter is no longer welcome into our home,
she will not come to eat, nor sleep for a minimum of 1 year' or until I think
she is ready to come back.

He told us and I can still see where he was standing, " THIS is my
favorite check to write (cs) every month because my marriage is saved and my
daughter is learning a hard lesson in respect".

Daughter is now mid 20's and a delightful young lady who is
welcome into her fathers home when ever she wishes...."

Is losing your wife even a consideration? If it is - you are a father forever & maybe have a wife for a brief time? A child needs to know that YOU are there for her, support her & will try & understand how she feels. Given the other 3 children live with you she probably feels overwhelmed when she does visit, and jealous of the other children. She is not mature enough to understand all these feelings so she reacts by saying "I don't want to go there". You, your wife & the child's mother probably should all see a therapist to try & establish a healthy way of dealing with this.

Kids do not ask to be put in this world, problem is, some kids learn to manipulate situations thru guilt, misbehavior, etc. so at some point a painful boundary has to be established, hopefully one that protects the majority of the family rather than a single individual. family counseling, family counseling, family counseling. Dysfunction affects all, willing and unwilling participants.

No, I don't think you should throw your first child under the bus because she's a pain in the backside because she's hurt & angry that you've left her & set up a new household with new children.

The assumption seems to be that this is an either/or decision, & it just isn't.

Grow up, realize that you aren't entitled to jettison your offspring because someone else makes you happier right now, & get some help for the whole bunch of you.

,

I don't think OP is contemplating throwing his oldest daughter under the bus, but neither should he throw his current wife and other child under the bus because his oldest daughter is being a PITA. She has every right to feel hurt but not to expect to be able to run Dad's life as she sees fit.

"Which life do I choose?" sure sounds like either/or.

No, neither option involves cutting off contact with the older child. One involves having less contact, due to the fact that she does not get along with the newer household members, so presumably is predicated on the amount of time Dad can give to her exclusively. One would hope that as/if older daughter becomes more amenable, Dad will be able to bring her into the new household and spend more time with her.

I understand what you're saying.

but since all we know is what dad says, & since people, fathers especially, it seems, famously jettison first families in favor of new ones, & since this father's post sounds like a request for permission to do that very thing (although couched in benign terms, I would bet money that "less contact" would evolve into no contact), it seems that "old" daughter needs an advocate.

When a child starts acting out, being angry, being a pain, what that child often needs is *more* parent, not less.

This girl may be entitled to her anger.

Even if you are right, I fail to see why creating another abandoned child would help anyone.

And I guess I'm from the old fashioned school of child rearing which says, if you are a PITA you will get less attention, not more. When you work this out and stop being a PITA, then you will get my attention. I don't believe in rewarding bad behaviour, whatever motivates it.

Colleenoz you are still here, after all these years :-) And you still have good advice

Why thank you Yabber :-) How did things work out with your two SDs? Did their mother ever lighten up?

Nope she never changed but things are ok and the SD's are now 18 and 20! We are no longer at BM's mercy and life is good. Sorry for the hijack Slothman, how are things going with you?