Of course you should go! Be as low-key as possible, but do go! You seem lovely, really.

Have you discussed with your husband how he managed to raise such narcissistic bullies?

These situations are so painful and difficult b/c both sides have valid arguments. I think husband is right, you should go but maybe keep a low profile. But that set aside, A young woman's wedding is a most imp day and totally about her so likely she will be civil as too busy enjoying herself. If she focuses instead on making everybody miserable, then you know the rocky road that awaits her....as to the 17 YO, distance might be a good thing for both of you. Wishing you future peace and harmony.

You should go but have no expectations of being treated as more than just another guest. No corsage, special photos, etc.. I do think you have to be clear that you and your husband sit together. Just be gracious, which it sounds like you really are.

Great advice from others above.....

Go...with no expectations. Low profile...low key presence.

Enjoy and surround yourself with the family and friends you are comfy with.

Thank you the answers. I'm still not looking forward to it, but probably will go. I just hope it doesn't turn into a horrible day. Maybe she'll just ignore me and pretend I'm not there. I think that would be easier at this point.

Strange to say, if she does ignore you, perhaps that's not the worst thing. You'll just have to let it roll off your back and keep your chin up.

I think dr. Laura uses a phrase like "stupid and cheerful" for these instances. It can diffuse a lot of hostility. And if this young bride wants to spoil her special day by embarrassing you and/or her Dad, that is on her and it would sure be a shame for the groom. Speaking of the groom, how is he? Could you be friends with him and his family?

I like to say, "put on your best Stepford Wife smile!"

I don't know much about her future husband. I haven't met him. My husband has, but that was after running into his daughter. Apart from that, we're not exactly welcome in her life.

Sorry, unloved. Similar situation here.

I went, my kids and I were completely ignored, and I wish that I had made plans of my own. The script is we must go, so that they can snub us. So why go? What are you trying to prove? Why put yourself through that? They don't want a relationship with you. Ditto here. It's going to be lonely, sad, and awful.

When you quit trying to move towards them, they will quit backing away. : (...,,

Well, if you and your husband aren't much welcome in your SD's life, I certainly hope you're not contributing financially to this shindig. Go to the wedding, be "stupid and cheerful" as has been suggested, give them a nice gift and no one can fault you.

I have attended NO events since SD's wedding, two years ago. Missed stepson's baby's christening, baby's first birthday, stepson's unsuccessful run for city council fundraisers and events, stepson's father in law's funeral, and ... If there had been other events, I would have skipped them, too. Now DH is in counseling with SS, trying to bring us all together. Wants me to attend family counseling sessions. DH says SS has finally grown up (age 34). We have been married 17 years. The first 15 were like "Unloved", with Enabling DH. Since I changed, it got everyone's attention. These two years have been wonderful, but strained lately with the pressure to reconcile. DH HATES attending these events alone. Also, when he attends alone he is raw meat for his ex and all of her extended family. Believe me, your husband will see, and the stepkids won't like it, when he stays a short time and leaves because he feels sad, unappreciated, manipulated, disrespected, and lonely. When you go and dutifully support him and allow everyone to disrespect you, you enable all of them.

"She's invited us, but has implied to her sister she would prefer it if I didn't come."

If this young woman was the daughter of a business associate and extended an invitation to you simply because it was expected, and you knew the above to be true, would you still attend? If I were you, I would encourage my husband to go and I would plan a fun outing with my 8 y/o twins. He could tell me all about it afterwards. Does your SD have other paternal relatives? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? Perhaps your DH could sit with and enjoy an afternoon/evening with other members of his family. I gather his first wife died? What is his relationship with his former in-laws? Surely they do not blame him for their daughter's death...I wonder if they have attempted to sabotage his role as the father of their granddaughters?

Anyway, I'd decline to attend and plan something fun with my children.

I wouldn't go. If she doesn't want you there on her special day, don't give her a reason to resent you for ruining it (in her own mind anyway) It would just give her something else to whine about. You're SDs sound like they have a lot of growing up to do. Why spend a whole day being uncomfortable? Let your DH and younger SD go and enjoy the wedding without distraction. Plan a day for yourself,and enjoy it.

As for younger SD moving out, yeah,let's see how the older one and her husband will welcome another adult into their home after they are just married and starting a life together. Frankly, I admire the fact you have even tried this long to connect with them. If it were me, I would be counting the days til that 18th birthday, and celebrate it by helping the little shrew pack her crap into the back of a moving van and changing the locks....but that's just me.

Both of them are old enough now to know that you are not trying to be a substitute for their mother,and they should certainly realize how you make their father happy. What did they want? Their father to wallow away in miserable solitude,lighting a candle for their mothers memory every night until his death? They sound childish and selfish. I suspect that when they are older and hopefully wiser,perhaps with children of their own, they will come around and apologize for their terrible treatment of you. But I digress.

To sum it up, don't go. SD doesn't want you there, and it's her day. Don't take it personally,as she sounds like a petulant brat who would treat anyone who had married her father the same way. You will not enjoy it. SD would not enjoy it. DH wants you there as his wife,good for him, but it may be a relief to him if you decided on your own not to go. He would have to deal with his daughters tantrums. Go to the spa. Go shopping. Take advantage of an empty house and eat bon bons on the couch in your underwear. Anything. We have to few days on this earth to spend any one of them doing something unpleasant if we can avoid it. You not only can avoid it, but have been given a free pass to do so. Take it.

Ok, I just remembered that you said you have twins, so maybe skip the bon bons in the underwear thing. But still,forget the wedding. (I guess you could still eat the bon bons fully clothed,but they probably won't taste as good)

I'm thinking about coming up with a new term re: the SM experience at weddings. I'm calling it getting shanked. Such as Louise got shanked at her step-daughter's wedding last weekend.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the term shank means. 1. To stab someone with something other than a knife, and 2. To pull someone's pants down in front of a group of people. I’m proposing a third meaning for the term shank: 3. When a SM goes to a stepchild’s wedding and is treated like an unwelcomed guest and not permitted to be with or sit with her husband.

Thought this was a perfect term, as that is the meat of what is going on: SM is being stabbed in the back and having her pants pulled down in front of everyone!