Should I avoid going to my stepdaughters wedding?

9 years ago

I'm new here and honestly quite relieved I found it.

My husband and I have been married 10 years. He has two daughters ages 22 and 17 and we have 8 year old twins together. My husband lost his first wife a few years before we met. This of course devastated him and his daughters, especially the oldest who was very, very close to her mom. Things were okay in the beginning, right up until we got married and the girls started getting older. They've always hated the fact their dad remarried. And they hated me for simply being around. My husband got them into grief counseling and we went for some family counseling, as was recommended by the grief counselor. I have always loved them and tried my very best for these girls, but they have never been anything other than cold with me. A few times my older stepdaughter would ask her dad to divorce me or send her and her sister to their maternal grandparents. It was a very rough time for everyone. At times I felt like I had made a mistake marrying my husband, but he was always doing his best and obviously loved us. So I stayed and fought hard to make things worked. But every time I would try to bond with either of them, they would shun me. If I asked about their mom, which a few friends recommended I do, they would tell me I had no right to talk about their mom. They would say their brother and sister (our kids) weren't really their family and that their dad was no longer their family because he'd married someone else. I can honestly say I never tried to replace their mom, but I wanted to be a positive female in their lives. Someone they could come to if they needed me, but they never have.

Now my 22 year old stepdaughter is getting married. She's invited us, but has implied to her sister she would prefer it if I didn't come, which doesn't really shock me. My husband said he wants me there and still holds out hope that one day things will be better. He said that by showing them that we're still here that it might help them see once their older, but I'm not so sure. I know people can mature and grow as they get older. But I honestly think the only reason my older stepdaughter hasn't completely cut us out is because part of her loves her dad, even if she holds a lot of anger toward him for remarrying. And to make matters worse, all my 17 year old stepdaughter talks about is when she can move out and live with her sister. For two years, she has been saying she will be gone on her 18th birthday.

Should I go? Should I avoid it and send my kids with my husband and younger stepdaughter? Has anyone ever dealt with this before?

Featured Answer

Karen Peltier

9 years ago

Although I pretty much agree with all of the advice above, my opinion is stepmothers don't have to go to these types of events, if they so choose. I think it is wrong for any parent to let their children dictate how their spouse will be treated. And if your husband can't put his foot down, then you need to decide for yourself how involved you want to be. It is not about how involved the children want you to be, especially now that they are older. Unfortunately, as what happens with a lot of step-mothers, it sounds like you have wound up becoming the scapegoat, and whether you realize it or not, your husband has played a role in this. Don't fall into being the victim for several more years. Enough. Decide what kind of relationship you want with these children, adult or not. If most of what they bring is pain and unhappiness, tell your husband he can go himself to these events. A lot of SKs and even adult SKs, think dad will just love to hang out with them minus his spouse, which is ridiculous, because very few people want to go to an event minus their significant other. Maybe when dad starts showing up for these type of events by himself for the obligatory hour and then takes off, they'll start to get the message that dad and his wife are a couple, a pair. And, if anyone should realize this, it should be someone just about to get married.

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Comments (17)

User
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Of course you should go! Be as low-key as possible, but do go! You seem lovely, really.

Have you discussed with your husband how he managed to raise such narcissistic bullies?
bossyvossy
9 years ago
These situations are so painful and difficult b/c both sides have valid arguments. I think husband is right, you should go but maybe keep a low profile. But that set aside, A young woman's wedding is a most imp day and totally about her so likely she will be civil as too busy enjoying herself. If she focuses instead on making everybody miserable, then you know the rocky road that awaits her....as to the 17 YO, distance might be a good thing for both of you. Wishing you future peace and harmony.
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re⋅gret⋅ta⋅ble /rɪˈgrɛtəbəl/ adjective causing or deserving regret; unfortunate; deplorable. re⋅gret /rɪˈgrɛt/ verb, -gret⋅ted, -gret⋅ting, noun verb (used with object) 1.to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it. 2.to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. noun 3.a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. 4.a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. 5.regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets. 6.a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret. To Imamommy: I do appreciate your sincere reply and explanation....serioulsy I do. Unfortuantley, from your position, which is understandably based upon your Life's experiences, it is, in my humble opnion: lacking. This is especially true when you state it's all about YOU. Of course it's all about me...it's my posting, my question, my struggle, my family, and most importantly of all: my feelings. No matter how one "paints the picture" the viewer or in this case the reader, will take from it whatever it is they percieve, want or need to see; or perhaps are blind to see it for what it really is. I might add that the canvas may not be large enough for the artist to paint the whole picture. As for the "choice" hind site is always 20/20, but I don't think a divorce and raising 3 (innocent) children in a broken home and carting them back and forth between parents is a good idea. I didn't have an Aunt Bee to turn to and I didnt' like the idea of putting 3 kids into day care. To my x-wife's credit she agreed to consuling and too remain commited to raising our children together rather than apart. Sadly (regretably) things didin't work out. As for my children and how they feel, I know both clinically and from first hand experience how they feel, and I even know what their pattern's of behavior are, which is why: I've given up hope to any meaningful relationship; and question why I should even bother with "tradition" like this wedding. We all know that "traditions" are a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting. Perhaps by going to this wedding there is some hope that these time honored events will provide an opportunity for some closure. God knows it's sorely needed. Lastly, if by chance I've failed to address or satisfy a question, or simply didn't agree with one's opinion, then let us part company with the knowledge that we can agree to disagree. I"m going to go and fix a hot cup of tea and I will drink that tea in honor of all of you, but most of all to Imamommy whose brush has put some color into the tapestry of my LIFE. Please join me.
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Thanks for posting out in the main forum, I wish that other thread would go away forever... The baby is asleep, so I'll go through bit by bit until I get tired or the baby wakes up. "my stepdaughter has ADD, a really hard case," I came into my stepson's life when he was 8. He has very severe ADHD, ODD and may be bipolar; I think he may also have an auditory processing disorder. 8yos with ADD are tough, but I swear it gets better! "y wife and I both get really impatient but I notice that my wife is very easy going with her" ADD also requires ENDLESS patience. It's really difficult. But one key is to pick your battles. If they're able to hold a pleasant conversation, but have to be hopping on one foot and holding a spatula to do it, well... 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When he was 9 and I had to talk to him about HOW to wipe his bum because he honestly didn't know how. "and I consider her a tomboy and honestly everything she does pisses me off," Does being a tomboy matter? I think I'll be grateful if my 1yo DD prefers trucks to high heels at age 8! "and to make things worse, she looks eeeexactly like her dad, the guy is a complete ass*** and both are exactly the same, the guy also has ADD, and physically, both look very alike." This one you just have to get over. She can't control who her dad is. "I really try my best to get along with her, give her advises, etc, I just really try my best, but for she misbehaves terrible every single day, without exageration," If you're open to how change in your family can begin with YOU, I can give you about a million ideas, coping strategies, tips and tools. But, if you are really honest with yourself, are you ready to change? 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"their mom, although tells them to listen to me, they barely do or only listen to me when it provides them some type of benefit, so if I tell them to pick up their clothes and take it to the laundry room, ask me back if they do. They never go to bed on time, even my wife tells them to go to bed a thousand times and never do, we send'em to bed from 8 pm and it's 11 pm and they are still around, it's pretty stressful," Well, that's the first issue! Coparents need to be on the same page. Mom needs to step up and say "Wait a minute! I'm the mom and my family will treat one another with respect." And then she needs to make the expectations 100% clear to the kids, and STICK with it. If you and your wife are up to it, this forum can certainly help you. But it's a real commitment. 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tfitz1006
9 years ago
You should go but have no expectations of being treated as more than just another guest. No corsage, special photos, etc.. I do think you have to be clear that you and your husband sit together. Just be gracious, which it sounds like you really are.
Tammy Allen
9 years ago
Great advice from others above.....

Go...with no expectations. Low profile...low key presence.

Enjoy and surround yourself with the family and friends you are comfy with.
unlovedstepmom
Original Author
9 years ago
Thank you the answers. I'm still not looking forward to it, but probably will go. I just hope it doesn't turn into a horrible day. Maybe she'll just ignore me and pretend I'm not there. I think that would be easier at this point.
User
9 years ago
Strange to say, if she does ignore you, perhaps that's not the worst thing. You'll just have to let it roll off your back and keep your chin up.
tfitz1006
9 years ago
I think dr. Laura uses a phrase like "stupid and cheerful" for these instances. It can diffuse a lot of hostility. And if this young bride wants to spoil her special day by embarrassing you and/or her Dad, that is on her and it would sure be a shame for the groom. Speaking of the groom, how is he? Could you be friends with him and his family?
User
9 years ago
I like to say, "put on your best Stepford Wife smile!"
unlovedstepmom
Original Author
9 years ago
I don't know much about her future husband. I haven't met him. My husband has, but that was after running into his daughter. Apart from that, we're not exactly welcome in her life.
Southern Summer
9 years ago
Sorry, unloved. Similar situation here.

I went, my kids and I were completely ignored, and I wish that I had made plans of my own. The script is we must go, so that they can snub us. So why go? What are you trying to prove? Why put yourself through that? They don't want a relationship with you. Ditto here. It's going to be lonely, sad, and awful.

When you quit trying to move towards them, they will quit backing away. : (...,,
colleenoz
9 years ago
Well, if you and your husband aren't much welcome in your SD's life, I certainly hope you're not contributing financially to this shindig. Go to the wedding, be "stupid and cheerful" as has been suggested, give them a nice gift and no one can fault you.
Southern Summer
9 years ago
I have attended NO events since SD's wedding, two years ago. Missed stepson's baby's christening, baby's first birthday, stepson's unsuccessful run for city council fundraisers and events, stepson's father in law's funeral, and ... If there had been other events, I would have skipped them, too. Now DH is in counseling with SS, trying to bring us all together. Wants me to attend family counseling sessions. DH says SS has finally grown up (age 34). We have been married 17 years. The first 15 were like "Unloved", with Enabling DH. Since I changed, it got everyone's attention. These two years have been wonderful, but strained lately with the pressure to reconcile. DH HATES attending these events alone. Also, when he attends alone he is raw meat for his ex and all of her extended family. Believe me, your husband will see, and the stepkids won't like it, when he stays a short time and leaves because he feels sad, unappreciated, manipulated, disrespected, and lonely. When you go and dutifully support him and allow everyone to disrespect you, you enable all of them.
wrychoice1
9 years ago
"She's invited us, but has implied to her sister she would prefer it if I didn't come."

If this young woman was the daughter of a business associate and extended an invitation to you simply because it was expected, and you knew the above to be true, would you still attend? If I were you, I would encourage my husband to go and I would plan a fun outing with my 8 y/o twins. He could tell me all about it afterwards. Does your SD have other paternal relatives? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents? Perhaps your DH could sit with and enjoy an afternoon/evening with other members of his family. I gather his first wife died? What is his relationship with his former in-laws? Surely they do not blame him for their daughter's death...I wonder if they have attempted to sabotage his role as the father of their granddaughters?

Anyway, I'd decline to attend and plan something fun with my children.
amylou321
9 years ago
I wouldn't go. If she doesn't want you there on her special day, don't give her a reason to resent you for ruining it (in her own mind anyway) It would just give her something else to whine about. You're SDs sound like they have a lot of growing up to do. Why spend a whole day being uncomfortable? Let your DH and younger SD go and enjoy the wedding without distraction. Plan a day for yourself,and enjoy it.

As for younger SD moving out, yeah,let's see how the older one and her husband will welcome another adult into their home after they are just married and starting a life together. Frankly, I admire the fact you have even tried this long to connect with them. If it were me, I would be counting the days til that 18th birthday, and celebrate it by helping the little shrew pack her crap into the back of a moving van and changing the locks....but that's just me.

Both of them are old enough now to know that you are not trying to be a substitute for their mother,and they should certainly realize how you make their father happy. What did they want? Their father to wallow away in miserable solitude,lighting a candle for their mothers memory every night until his death? They sound childish and selfish. I suspect that when they are older and hopefully wiser,perhaps with children of their own, they will come around and apologize for their terrible treatment of you. But I digress.

To sum it up, don't go. SD doesn't want you there, and it's her day. Don't take it personally,as she sounds like a petulant brat who would treat anyone who had married her father the same way. You will not enjoy it. SD would not enjoy it. DH wants you there as his wife,good for him, but it may be a relief to him if you decided on your own not to go. He would have to deal with his daughters tantrums. Go to the spa. Go shopping. Take advantage of an empty house and eat bon bons on the couch in your underwear. Anything. We have to few days on this earth to spend any one of them doing something unpleasant if we can avoid it. You not only can avoid it, but have been given a free pass to do so. Take it.
amylou321
9 years ago
Ok, I just remembered that you said you have twins, so maybe skip the bon bons in the underwear thing. But still,forget the wedding. (I guess you could still eat the bon bons fully clothed,but they probably won't taste as good)
Ariel Anderson
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm thinking about coming up with a new term re: the SM experience at weddings. I'm calling it getting shanked. Such as Louise got shanked at her step-daughter's wedding last weekend.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the term shank means. 1. To stab someone with something other than a knife, and 2. To pull someone's pants down in front of a group of people. I’m proposing a third meaning for the term shank: 3. When a SM goes to a stepchild’s wedding and is treated like an unwelcomed guest and not permitted to be with or sit with her husband.

Thought this was a perfect term, as that is the meat of what is going on: SM is being stabbed in the back and having her pants pulled down in front of everyone!

Should I avoid going to my stepdaughters wedding?

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