Thank you, thank you, thank you to Silversword and lamom. You get what I am saying. I was not trying to "goat" anyone into anything or stir up the pot. I really was posting my deep thoughts, kind of like a journal to myself while at the same time trying to explain the situation. The reason I wrote the stuff about the BM being proud of being 'white trash' was because I was trying to explain about what I am dealing with here. That is all. I am the furtherest thing from someone who is all high and mighty and I don't think I am better than anyone else. In fact I am more of the black sheep in my family partly because I am not so judgmental and I am the rebel. I have tattoos, moved out at 17 on my own, don't like people to tell me what to do, etc. And yes I freely admit I am a control freak. That is something I am working very hard on. After the first post I was just adding details and my mind and thinking were changing. I am glad that my tune has changed since last Sunday. I am feeling much more optimistic now. Honestly I didn't think I was even going to come back to this site and I told myself today ok just go see what was said but don't post anymore. I am glad I did come back because both silversword and lamom made feel better and realize that not everyone here is so judgemental. I can take criticism and I was really thankful for the first few posts that told me to grow up because that is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do not get off on or enjoy writing inflammatory posts. I am sorry I was just writing my story and the quotes that sylviatexas posted that I wrote on the first day I registerd were written because that is what was said. I was not making anything up, that is my story and I am sticking to it, lol. My DH did not graduate but I don't hold that against him. I still love him very much. He also had a drug addiction in his past but you know what he is stronger for it and has proven how he can overcome almost anything. People do change and I do not hold their past on them forever. When I say he went through a bad period that is what I was referring. There is, of course, way more to the story and lamom is right you can not describe it all in one post, or even probably in 100. But what matters most is that this site did help me. I got a change to write my thoughts down and try to figure out what in the world I was really feeling. The more I wrote about SS and what HE has to deal with the more I found that I do care about him. I really do. It is still going to take time to build a relationship but I think it is all going to be ok.

@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids.

Hate to say it, but I agree you have already been told by this man that he does not want any more children - ever. Though they say vasectomies are reversible, it does not always work. If you want a child of you own in the future, Walk Now. Further more, any bond that you thought you had with this child was that of a care giver and not that of a parent in this child's eyes. Yes he may care of you. But for a child - at the age of 5, to state to you that 'he was talking to daddy and not you', and is already questioning your authority as to being able to give instructions, he is telling you that you are NOT his parent and he knows it. While I agree with others that he is being a boy and wanting to spend time with Dad is natural, these other behaviors are not. This child already is stating that you are an interloper in his eyes and if you have the child work experience you state, you would recognize his behavior as being confrontational. It is so easy to idealize a parent child relationship. It is also easy to idealize the step family - take it from me, most of us Stepparents started out like that! But reality is starting to set in for you. The baby is now starting to grow and things are going to change with him as you are going to deal with him feeling you are taking his Dad away etc. If you stay with this man, I would recommend counseling for the family unit and yourself for the grief you will need to work through for not having your own biological child that you want so badly.

This is a stereotype: “it's our jobs as SM's to suffer in silence for the sake of the children that are brought into our lives by no choice of their own.” Wow! Absolutely not. Neither SM nor the SKs asked for mom and dad to divorce. Mom and dad made that choice on their own. Marriages and relationships take place all the time between people that we have no control over. A 17-year-old may start dating a Marilyn Manson look-alike, and everyone is expected to take it all in stride and stay out of it. A few years later, that 17-year-old may even decide to marry MM. Uncle Harry marries aunt Sue. Everyone thinks she’s a be.atch, but favorite uncle Harry marries her anyway because he sees a different side to her and knows she’s the love of his life. In all of these cases and more, people were brought into our lives by no choice of our own. But, for the most part, people make it work. No one expects anyone to suffer in silence. It is just the way it is. But, throw the term SM in the mix, and suddenly SM is to suffer in silence and put up with being at the bottom of the list. SM is supposed to cook, clean, and wipe bloody noses all without expecting anything in return, including not even expecting respect. She is to have no say in her own marriage to DH or her own household. She is to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else’s children. She is the family’s servant. Any issues arise from a divorce that she had no part in, and she is supposed to be just fine being the family scapegoat. Mom and dad’s hands are always supposed to be clean, for the sake of the children. Then these SKs grow up, and continue to treat SM as the family servant and dad’s piece on the side, even as adults. After all, they re just following everyone else’s lead. However, doesn’t this sound to be me more like something from The Handmaid’s Tale, then a life any woman should ever be expected to contend with under any circumstances? Unless she is in the lowly approx. 6% of SMs who had an affair with dad, who then divorced mom, and dad and SM went on to marry, SM had no part in mom and dad’s divorce ether. SM married dad xpecting to be his wife and treated as such. No SM that I know of married a man expecting to suffer in silence for anyone. No one in any marriage or relationship should. Abused women, for example, were told they had to suffer in silence for years. Ridiculous! Yes, a woman knows marrying a man with children from a previous relationship will have its unique challenges. But, the anticipation is that for the most part, people will make it work. No one should have the expectation that SM is to let anyone in the family walk all over her. This idea that everyone has value in a family, except for step-parents has got to end, and it reeks more of a stereotype from the early 1900s than the 2000s.