@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids.

Before you file for divorce, do your due diligence and tell her you want to go to marriage counseling. While there, say very clearly and firmly that you will file for divorce if she continues to enable her son to be a jobless mooch that is going no where in life. Then, state your goals: he has a job by such and such month, he's out of the house by "x" date, he financially supports himself completely by this date, and so on. Give her six months to make significant progress on these goals. If it doesn't happen to your satisfaction, you'll have done everything you could before giving up on your marriage.

No one here is being cruel or not thinking about the child. They are thinking about the realities of life in general and how this child has already been dealt a blow by his bio-parents. There is a saying among step-parents that you cannot care more than the bio parent does. This isn’t meant literally, because, sure bio-parents can be off-base with their own children, and a step-parent can literally care more about someone else’s child than that bio-parent cares about their own. However, speaking figuratively, if a step-parent cares more than the bio-parent, they will be accused by all—mom, dad, professional counselors, society—of mega-overstepping their bounds. Plus, legally they have no rights to this child whatsoever. And, in this case, neither HU-249048672 nor her husband have any legal rights regarding this child. Those rights, by law, only apply to bio-mom and bio-dad. The one exception would be if bio-dad gave up any rights to his son whatsoever and step-dad legally adopted him. Step situations can and usually are very complex. You have no legal rights as a SP. The court and society as a whole heavily, heavily favors the bio-parents, and especially BM, no matter what mud slinging or accusations are being made. Society tells SPs all the time we need to mind our own business; that is, until the bio-parents start messing up big time. THEN, all of a sudden, any and all burdens are placed on our shoulders and we are supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else’s child when the bio-parents aren’t even willing to put in much effort for their OWN child. You mention this particular child, that has two parents already, the bio-parents. You imply that ex- step-father may already be some sort of father-figure to this child, so, what does that imply? HU-249048672 is supposed to give up her life and her own children and toss that all aside to deal with a child who is rude, demanding and otherwise petty and with a BM who appears to be into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) big-time! I don’t think so. Don’t judge. The bio-parents already messed up the kid. That is THEIR burden to carry. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix bio-mom or bio-dad or any of their children. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix a family that has been broken for years. What? Bio-mom and bio-dad get to screw around, do whatever, shirk their responsibilities, and then the step-parent, who probably already has another family or two that they have to take care of, is supposed to step in and take all of the risk, including any of her own children's stability, to “save” this family too? And, then, you know what step-mom or step-dad’s Thank-you is going to be for all of that? To be told by everyone on this planet that they are intrusive and over-reaching and need to mind their place. SKs will think the same, even as adults, and want little to nothing to do with step-mom or step-dad. None of this, “It’s for the child’s sake.” The bio-parents already put a dagger into this kid’s heart, it sounds like. A step-parent cannot care more than the bio-parents. That is all there is to it. If the child was #1 in the bio-parents’ lives, they would have stayed married and sucked it up and took it for their OWN children vs. divorce, remarry, and then expect their spouse to suck it up and take it for someone else’s children.

You are sad because your partner didn't react the way you wanted him to... and I can understand that. Sometimes people don't always act the way we want them to when they are under stress. It is normal for all of us to care about people from our past, especially if there was once a loving relationship, and even more so if a child is at risk. It's part of the Human Condition. (I guess I'd worry more if he didn't care.) Your partner probably doesn't know where to go with your feelings.... and so walked away. His caring about them doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that he's a good man.