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have beautiful stepfam, want bio child, also feel left out bf-son bond

Gina SF
8 years ago

OK, this story might be long, but this forum looks like the only place I can share it and talk to people who may understand and have advice. I am 25, in a committed relationship (4 years) with a 37-year old man, who has a 5-year old son.

When we met, I wasn't sure I wanted to date someone with a child, but didn't expect it to get serious, or for me to ever meet his kid, so we started dating. He has 50/50 custody with the mother, who he had a good co-parenting relationship with - no baby mama drama. I began to be very attracted to the fact that he was a father, and loved the way he talked about his son. I have always loved kids and been drawn to them, and worked in childcare and was currently working as a nanny when we met, for a little boy about the same age as his son. After we had only been dating a few weeks, I met his son. I instantly fell in love with his son and connected with him. I think when I met his son, I fell hard for my boyfriend as well. I loved seeing what a good father he was, and how much time and energy he devoted to his child. I never once felt the least bit jealous of his son. I have been trying to find posts that fit my situation, but most of them are about how the woman is jealous of the time/ attention the boyfriend gives his kids. I have never felt that way. From the beginning, my boyfriend involved me in his child's life. It felt very natural for me to help care for him and be a part of his life. I did not really consider the long-term at this point, but was really happy just being with my boyfriend and his son. I think that because I was so good with his son, was one of the reasons my boyfriend was attracted to me as well. About 6 months into the relationship, Todd told me he was going to have a vasectomy. We were at no point to start talking about a future together or kids together. I was only 22 and having kids of my own was a long ways off, but I have always known I want a child of my own. He explained that he did not want to have another unplanned pregnancy (his son was unplanned - his ex had found out she was pregnant the day after they had broken up) and that he wasn't sure if wanted to have more kids, but that if he did, he wanted it to be a conscious decision. He said if he decided he wanted another child would have a reversal. So I had hope for kids if it turned out we had a future. We weren't really using birth control at the time. I refused to get on the pill, as it made me crazy and emotional and my gyno had not told me about the no hormones copper IUD at the time (maybe it wasn't available? I wish I had known and gotten it then though). We tried using condoms but hated the feeling...I know, don't judge please. I respected and supported his decision to get the vasectomy. I felt like if the relationship continued to progress and we had a future, that when the time was right for kids, he would have the reversal. So we didn't really discuss it again, but enjoyed the sex without having to worry about pregnancy. We dated for a couple more years, and had some ups and downs, but they were never related to his kid. His son was always such a happy point in our relationship, and we both loved spending time the 3 of us. He referred to me as his family, and I really felt like a part of his family. I moved into his house in August of last year, a turning point for us, and by New Years, the subject of baby came up. I made it clear to him I wanted child of my own in the future. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted another child. It really hurt me that he didn't know 100% he wanted to have a baby with me, but I again respected how he felt. At this point, I am not ready to have a baby. I am in school and want to get my career started. My boyfriend is not ready either, emotionally or financially. We talked for days and considered ending the relationship because my boyfriend didn't want to promise me something he wasn't sure he could give in the future. But I could not bear to lose the family I already have. I truly love his son like he was my own kid. But I want the experience of having my own biological child, the pregnancy, breastfeeding and bond. I would never give up the family I have now, my boyfriend and his son, for some fantasy of a future family with my own bio kid. Since neither of us is ready at this time, we have decided to continue to enjoy our relationship and the loving family we have, and to discuss having another kid when we are both ready. I am scared he will never be ready though? I almost feel like we're missing each other's windows for kids because of our age difference. He doesn't want to be too old when he has another kid, and I understand that...I don't want him to have another kid either just to make me happy and keep me around, I want the desire to come from him too. I know it sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish he had not had the vasectomy because I would probably have gotten pregnant by now. I am scared that if I continue to stay in this relationship, I will be forced to leave when my maternal instinct kicks in when I'm 30, and hurt my boyfriend's son. Then I am scared I won't be able to find someone else who I truly love to have a child with. Either option sounds terrible - leaving my family is not an option. I truly feel that maternal instinct with his son to care for him, and mothers don't abandon their kids. But the alternative of staying and my bf deciding for sure he does not want another child sounds terrible too, because I would never want to resent him for that and be bitter. I also never want to regret not having my own child. I know that would leave an emptiness in my life. I just have some high hopes that my boyfriend will will be in a better place financially and decide he wants to have another child with me because he truly wants to bring our baby into this world with me. Of course though when I am ready in a few years, graduated from school and started my career. Am I asking too much here?

Also, lately I have been feeling left out of the loving bond between my boyfriend and his son. His son was 18 months when I met him, and we got close very quick. But as he has gotten older and especially lately, I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me or play with me. He always just wants his daddy. Whenever his dad is doing something outside or in another room and its just me and his son, he always just asks "wheres daddy?" over and over and tried to find him. He never wants me to help him with anything, but just his dad. Even when he is talking, sometimes I will respond and he says, "I was talking to daddy, not you" and I know he is just 5 and doesn't mean to at all, but it really hurts my feelings. He has also been saying things lately like "you're not the boss of me. my daddy is" or just asking his dad if he has to, when I tell him to do things. My boyfriend has always allowed me to step into that role I am naturally good at, btw. I have always worked with kids and know how to handle them, and have actually taught him a lot and I know he values my knowledge on kids. So I want his son to respect my authority like he does his dad as well. His son is the sweetest, most affectionate boy and I just want his love. I do not feel jealous that my boyfriend gives him attention or time. Rather, I am feeling sad that his son wants his dad all the time and never seems to want me. I used to really feel like a part of the family, but lately have been feeling left out. I love my boyfriend so much, and I love his son like my own, but I feel left out of the love between them. I desperately want to be a part of it. I know that I am, but lately have felt left out. I know that his son will never have the same bond with me that he does with his dad or his bio mom, but I want him to love me and want to be with me and talk to me as much as he does his dad. Any advice to cope with these feelings?

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