I was 39 when I met my DH. He has two kids now 7 and 5. I have never had any (by my choice). So I do know some of what you are going through. It's tough sometimes. It was a huge adjustment for me. Thank goodness my DH understood this and gave me the support I needed.
I don't know what to say about your jealousy. Could it be that the three of you can't spend anytime together? I do enjoy spending time with DH and the SK, but I also want DH to spend time with just the SK, I think it is important to have "bonding" time alone with them. So many things change so quickly with children, and EOW is not very much time to keep bonds close. So allow them to have the one on one time they need.
I may be way off on this, but it sounds like bio-mom is the type of person to use her child in a battle with the ex. If she is, this is not likely to change, even after the "battle" is over. Just because the papers are signed doesn't mean that this will be the last time in court. I'm very thankful that my SK boi-mom, my DH and I all agree that our job is to raise healthy and happy children.
I do hope that this will be the case with you. I wish you good luck, and do hope all will work out for you.
webe

If you feel like this now, what makes you think it will get any better after you're married? It won't. This is a confusing situation for children and they're often the ones who suffer. He's already lost his father on a regular basis and now he's going to have to share his father's love with another person. This is when kids act out and it's not very pleasant for anybody. Do you really want this in your life for the forseeable future?

Webegardnr ... I commend you and wish you much future happiness. I think BM getting along with Dad and SM is of vital importance. You have been able to negotiate a most difficult situation. Canine, if BM is a psycho now - just wait. It will get worse. Or perhaps, she is upset because her still married husband is seeing someone else. (That would make any woman psycho). That will also set the stage for her hating you forever because if she is in a situation where she was thinking she get get him back if you weren't in the picture - you will always be considered the villain and the tug of war will last forever. If you listen to statistics ... only about 30-35% of second marriages succeed. Childless second marriages fair much better. Its easy to see why. You are 38 yourself, so you are not a child and hopefully know yourself well enough to know if you are strong enough to handle what's ahead. If you have feelings of jealousy now - its not a good sign. You should resolve that now. I, for one, could never be a step mom. When a child comes into your home, you have to understand that it is much different than a child of your own that you raised for 10 years with your rules and expectations and desired behavior (even then - its dicey-LOL). Different people value different characteristics and have different disciplinary expectations. For example ... my sister in law is a finger print maniac. Don't ever ever touch the switchplate in her home when you turn on the light ... or use the wall to balance yourself going up the staircase. She is raising 7 children that know it is better to roll down the stairs than to use the wall next to the staircase to brace yourself against a fall. However, these same kids think nothing of riding their bikes over neighbors lawns, the 17 year old is allowed to go to drinking parties, etc. Definitely different priorities than in my home. Ok ... how do you take a child from one environment and have him fit well into a totally different one for 4 days a month. Its tough. I love children. I was a a Girl Scout Leader for 11 years, worked in elementary school, etc. I have dealt with some very difficult children, but ..... there were some that I was so happy to say goodbye to after being with them for 2 hours that I literally did the dance of joy!!! As much as I love children, I could never be a stepmother. What goes on in a workplace is different than coming home and having to deal with it. My home is my refuge. The only place I can control to suit me. My little world. Don't let me scare you away from this relationship, if you know in your heart that you can handle it and do whatever is in the best interest of the child (not you). That child will always be number 1 in many situations. If you think you could be a step- mom , that child could also be the greatest gift of your life in the long run. Step parenting is like a mine field from what I have read here. My sister is now going through a divorce after a very long marriage and we were laughing about her prospects of her finding a man with no baggage ... ex wives, children, ill parents living with him,addictions, incarcerations, nasty habits etc, etc !!! She knows that she could not handle children - adult or otherwise and would never attempt it. My brother has a wonderful girlfriend that chooses not to marry him until his 5 children are grown for several reasons. She is accustomed to her place being hers. (We get that way when we're a little long in the tooth). She also does not want to have her income pay for child support and other children's needs (which it would in the state in which they live). They have been together for 7 years now and when the youngest is 18 in about 5 years, they plan to marry and have a place of their own. She actually gets along very well with his children and they adore her, but she know she does not want to be a mother again, nor share her home with children. That doesn't make her bad. It means she's smart enough to know her own limitations and not get herself into a situation she doesn't want to handle. (She is so sweet I know she could handle it if she wanted to, but why add stress to your life). We had our first child after 12 years of marriage when I was on the shady side of 32 and it was a major (I am talking major) adjustment from the self absorbed life we had led as a couple to having to meet someone else's needs 24/7. Mine are in their teens now and believe it or not ... those younger years were the piece of cake. Our daughter just got her driver's license and we purchased a used car for her (12k), insurance costs 216 per month until she's 21, homecoming cost $500, senior year photos $860, and all that I give willingly because she's my angel .... the part I can't handle is the waiting for her to get home safely, the dating scene (quite a bit different than I was last out there in 1972), worrying about college acceptance, life choices, future plans, broken hearts, etc. I can see that I will be on prozac soon. Our son has completely different sets of problems (broken arm in football), doctor appointments that never end, driving to and picking up from football every single day (twice a day in the summer),miserable Spanish teacher, driver's ed, legs that grown an inch a week, a room that reeks of teenage boy smell no matter how clean it looks (what is that anywyas?). Its something you do gladly and willingly, do without financially, emotionally and logistically because they are your world. Could I do that for a child that I didn't raise - I don't think so. If you can, your rewards will be many or if you can't follow through with this relationship - it can be a living hell. Depends also on the Dad (your BF) and how willing he will be to support your needs as a Step Mom. Whatever you choose - much luck. Its not easy to make a rational choice when your heart is clouding your brain.

Hi again

Webgardner thanks for your input, it's nice to hear from someone who has been thru this. as far as father and son bonding time, bF has his son 3nights and 3 days a week. i don't resent that at all. I came from a very tight family and iknow how important this is. Just wondering how you make quality time for you and your significant other alone.
We are together 4 nights a week, so we go out, dinner, movie whateveer. But at times unless we both take a day off at work specifically to be together it doesn't happen. so i guess i just answered my own question, plan it. right
anyway thanks for you reply

Blueheron - you sound very bitter about something, just can't see what it has to do with my question. As far as
this being a confusing situation for the child, his parents have been apart for over a year, doesn't want to return to his mothers after he's been with his father. And sharing his father's love - how does a mother or father "share" they're love with more than one child? Sounds like you can only love one person at a time and i know that's not true!
and kids acting out, come on, children can act out if they don't get the right colored lollypop!

rosie= First of all I'll let you in on something, I came into the picture about 5 months ago, so no i didn't steal him away from his wife (that's what you seem to imply) and if your not a SM and say you could not raise someone elses child, I think your posting was a bit off. My feelings about what's happening in my life are yes a bit confusing, I don't plan on getting married right now, definatly waiting a while to deal with this, but want to start a good relationship with my bf son for all of our sanity, i was just asking for some advise on how to make all this work. If I listened to most of you, there would be no SM or SF in the world, you'd scare everyone off of it and what's the shame is that it's not alway the child that suffers - think about the ADULTS too that are looking for a soul mate,love of they're life, someone to share they're life with. And the "children will be grown and gone someday" and it's you and your SO alone- " my world will not revolve around a child but it will include him . So i'm going to believe and forge ahead with the thoughts that if myself and my boyfriend are happy and content with our lives together, the child will see and appreciate that way of life also and hopefully be happy and content.

And ya know what, I may only be the girlfriend, no kids, but when the BIO MOM is saying to the ex. I'll take the house you can have the kid, something is just plain wrong there. So maybe even without child knowledge, I'll do better than a mother who just wants to keep her material stuff and throw out her son. ( she says he's just to active for her and doesn't understand him_ how's that?)

So I'll go with my gut reaction and let my heart rule my head for once.

It can and is often difficult being in your situation. My DH has 3 children who he/we have custody of. Time will help with the adjustment. I have no bio-children my self, so going from no kids to 3 kids was an adjustment. I do not regret my decision to get involved with a premade family. It is important to have "family" time and "you and SO" time, otherwise it becomes overwelming, as well as Bio-parent/child time (and during this time enjoy the quiet). This of course is just what I have learned. Feeling jealous is sometimes part of it, but you have to be careful of this and not let it interfere with how you interact with his son. It is trying at times, but it won't always be like that, and if it is really important (as it sounds like it) you can get through anything. I am not sure if any of this helps, but good luck.

Welcome to the insanity of step-parenting.

Don't kid yourself into believing that this will be easy. It isn't -- there are new challenges each and every day. Suddenly, you are responsible for this little person for which you have had absolutely no input until now, you have no history, you have no natural parent-child bond. Establishing a relationship and a bond takes time (LOTS of it!), and sometimes it just doesn't happen. And then there are the issues of discipline. Odds are good that this child is being raised differently than you would do if you had kids. Think about that one long and hard -- it can create huge problems.

I agree with you when you say that your world will not revolve around a child, but I know lots of people don't agree. Being a mother and a step-mother is only a part of who I am -- granted, a large part, but I am also wife, friend, daughter, sister, boss, master of the universe (OK -- stop! just kidding about that one!).

So, take time for yourself and your relationship. Some say that your relationship should come second until the kids are gone. Bologney! If you constantly put your relationship on a back burner, there will be nothing left when the kids are gone, if in fact you are still married by then. So make sure you find time for both yourself and your relationship.

You are about to take a wild and bumpy ride ... so hold on. Go into it with your eyes WIDE open. Discuss anything and everything you can think of before you commit. In fact, read over this board to give you ideas of things to discuss that you hadn't thought of!

Personally, natural childbirth was SO much easier than stepping. (Jeez, I did that twice, too!) But ... is it worth it? YES!

I did not say or insinuate that you had anything to do with BF's breakup. I said that if his wife feels that you stand in the way of their reconciliation if she's thinking in that direction - then you will have problems. That's a big difference. There are a lot of couples that file to shake things up and think they will reconcile in the end. When it doesn't materialize, they will blame somebody - anybody - except themselves and a new love is an easy target. Sorry if you misunderstood. Stepping is the hardest relationship on earth. Didn't mean to frighten you away. Just telling you to know yourself and your limitations. I don't think anyone should be alone, but unfortunately so many people are. Far be it from me to discourage a loving relationship. I know how important mine has been in my life and I wish everyone could have the same. Going in with eyes wide open makes it a lot easier in the long run. That is the advice I tried to impart. Sorry if it seemed I was trying to discourage you. Some stepparents go into a relationship thinking they can handle anything for 4 days a month and for one reason or another find that they now have full custody. Its easy to psyche up yourself for the positive things, but you must be equally aware of the negatives to be able to assess your future chances of survival. I've read enough from the step moms here to realize that they carry most of the care of the child (if they work outside the home or not). When you react so strongly against advice that isn't rose colored, it gives me the feeling you are trying to ignore ALL the aspects.

You are already making one of the biggest mistakes in badmouthing the mother and saying how much better you are than she. It sounds like you do not know her and are only getting your boyfriend's side of things. Do you have any idea how many stories are told when a couple divorces? PLENTY!!! Do not go into this thinking that you are going to be this child's mother because he already has one and no matter how great you think you are, you will never replace her. If you are so quick to badmouth her now what happens when you say something in front of the little boy or he overhears you saying something to his dad? This will be hard on him. Remember this relationship is not about what you want for from the relationship. It is about what the child needs.

Brandym

Not bad mouthing the mom, but good sense and compassion tell me that something is not quite right when a mother wants to trade her son for a house ! You don't agree with this? OK -

I work in the animal protection field and i get upset when people turn they're DOG in because it's not cute enough, to big, to active etc. And i'm sure alot of you will say it's only a dog, but... it is a living breathing creature that feels love and pain and confusion... what i'm saying is that our society is turning into a disposable commodity mentality. And when this incident happened, it made me sick to think that a mother would do it to a child. If you don't agree with me that's fine i was stating my opinion just like everyone else here. I didn't call her a pshyco or other comments that i see on this board. But guess that's ok to write - huh?
As far as what needs to come out of this relationship, I still say the world does not revolve around a child, it should include all the people in the relationship. sorry if my opinion is not yours. I know children grow up move away and the parents are the ones left looking at eachother like who are you? I have a great, compassionate, loving boyfriend and our relationship will always come first.

Thanks to the people that answered with sincere help with my question, alot of you sound like you've been through alot with disasterous results, that's what i'm trying to avoid, is ending up with such a bad attitude about step relations etc.

Guess i'll deal with all as is comes. I'm sure they're is not set guidlines for this just common sense.

I didnt say that picking a house over a child was right. All I am saying is you are getting your boyfriends story and not all sides of it but you are so quick to judge her and say well i am a better parent. You are not in her home and see her with her son. I would think with you being older you would know to believe nothing that you are told and only half of what you see. I dont think you are ready to take on this child. You should jealous and I dont think you realize that at his age a lot of your time will revolve around him. If you chose not to have children, what makes you think you are want to take on being a stepparent?

OH Dear! I am in your situation and came here looking for the same kind of advice. Can I ask you how you dealt with the first meeting? Mine is scheduled for a 10 day trip to Key West over Xmas, and frankly I'm terrified. What do you do with a 10 year old boy for 10 days? My BF is amazing, and I told him thatI didn't want to meet his son unless he was "ring-on-the-finger" serious. That was only 6 weeks ago, but then we are in our late 30's and both about to finalize divorces, so if he's sure..I know I am...this could be the big "test" though...what do you think?