How would you feel about having a child on your own?
You DO have the option of running down to the local sperm bank and trying your luck. Of course, that isn't the 'home and husband' package, it's the 'single mom' deal, and it's not the same animal at all. But it's a worthwhile idea to consider just so you can separate the two elements in your own mind.

Since you've broken up with him, he knows this issue is deal-breakingly important to you. Frankly, I thing that's important and good and wise. He may change his mind, and of course, he may not. But after giving him a few weeks to sleep on it, if you decided you may want him and his kids more than anonymous donor #5436 and your own child, you can always ring him back up and ask him if he's THAT serious about you. Knowing how important the issue is to you, if he's a stand-up guy, he'll tell you the truth about the depth of his feelings for you and not string you along with an "I'm not sure yet..."

For what it's worth -- I think you've done the right thing so far. And I'll cross my fingers that he'll see it your way.

I personally think you made an extremely difficult and painful decision, but the correct one - I commend you for it and my heart goes out to you.

I personally have some experience with this so I know how difficult it is. My fiancé and I had this discussion and we were definitely not on the same page at the start of the conversation. He has a wonderful seven year old son and he is content with that. Through a lot of emotion, I made it clear to him that this was a deal breaker for me. It took about a week to get a resolution, he has agreed to try for at least one more, and after that we can talk about more - I can live with that. He is a thoughtful person (one of his many admirable qualities) so I know that he really thought about this before he was able to agree to this. I have to admit though, I was really surprised that he even had reservations about it since he is really a wonderful father to his son.

This is a big decision for both of you and he may need some time to process how much this means to you. He may change his mind, and I am hoping he does, but I think it so wise of you to find this out now instead of years from now when there are not as many options available.

Hang in there...

You did make the right decision because you want to have your own children, and that man quite obviously doesn't want to go down that path again. You can sit and "what if" the situation until the cows come home, but no matter which way you analyze it, he's prepared to have a vasectomy putting an abrupt halt to any babies created with his help.

If he comes back to you with a changed mind, please, for your own happiness and well being, be very careful.

Being a second wife and having stepchildren on top of that is much more difficult than anyone could ever imagine. Not having what you want from the situation will only make it worse.

You're in my thoughts! You sound like a wonderful, selfless person and do hope that the gentleman comes around before it's too late.

Greetings. You have come to a great place.

I am a little older than you are, but contemplated having a kid on my own. I met a wonderful man, divorced with 3 kids. Although I considered having a kid with an anonymous donor, I chose the more conventional path -- marry a divorce with kids.

I have been married for not quite a year, and have serious doubts about my husband.

If you are financially independent (as I am) I say take a chance on your own.

Just one woman's opinion.

You made the right decision.

Six months is too long to neglect to mention to your childless girlfriend/significant other that you want a vasectomy.

I was the one who didn't want kids, but here I am, w/ three little boys of my own. Dh wanted kids - has three grown that he had w/ the wrong woman; I raised my 3 Dear Nephews largely. Anyway, he wanted me more than more kids, I guess, and we wed - I was 33, he was 52. On our third anniversary, we brought home DS #1 - a second followed two years later and an unasked for blessing appeared 2 mos. after I turned 40.

My point is that he may change his mind. For me, it was a change when I turned 35 and I saw the damage done to my skids by their BM, and I faced difficulties w/ my DNs as I was not the parent - paid for everything, but wasn't the parent and my hands were tied. My DNs opened up that unconditional love that kids do in a person, and as I got on in age, began to realize that I did want children in my future. Your age isn't on your side, but you've several good years left, so don't panic just yet.

Anyway, if you really want a child, then there is a plan for you. This thing called motherhood is a selfless journey, but we need more women called to it rather than doing it for the wrong reasons.

Do a little soul searching during this time alone. If you feel compelled to have a baby on your own, then do it. There may be a bigger, better plan for you right around the corner - someone waiting w/ your ideas, etc. Open yourself up to that. Frankly, I'd gladly go it alone rather than be w/ someone who didn't want what was so important to me. And, you are absolutely correct: you WOULD resent him in the future, no doubt.

I applaud your courage for ending it rather than trapping this man or settling. For me, having the stepkids would never, ever be able to come close to having my own kids, though we didn't have a great start. My DNs, however, 100% could have fulfilled my motherly instincts. My skids were teens when we married and I came on the scene when my DNs were quite young, so maybe that's part of it. But...those newborn days are just priceless. That baby will be the only thing or person you will ever gladly lay down your life for before ever setting your eyes on him/her...

All the best,
Dana

Definitely do not get married with the idea that skids will fulfill your need to parent. More than likely, you will always be a second class citizen in their eyes, always struggling for their love and approval. Thank God I have 2 of my own bios who love me unconditionally and always tell me what a great mom I am. If I didn't have that, I may have begun to see myself through my skids eyes...a rotten person. If you want children, DO NOT even consider a relationship with this man. Do not give up your dreams just because your bio clock may be ticking. As vista (Dana)said..there is a plan for you and don't make a horrible mistake trying to rush the plan.

My mom told me once that the desire to be a mother is one of the most profound, somewhat terrifying but nonetheless fulfilling desires a woman can have. More so, she said, than marriage. (Shhhh..don't tell my dad!) ;O)

I certainly think that you are capable of doing this on your own. Is it 'everything you'd ever dreamed of'....probably not. Given the opportunity, I think we'd all have kids with loving partner rather than solo.

A few red flags, though, you said above that you'd planned your life with this man. What I'm wondering is did he do the same?
Guys are funny. They can be totally in love and have no desire to even consider the future. They can be falling over themselves for a girl, but totally not even think about next year with her.

So if you planned your life and he's fine doing exactly what you've been doing for the last 6 mos., that's a problem.
If you've been together for 6 mos. and are madly in love, why didn't you know he wanted a vasectomy?

I'm glad you broke up with him because you are right on the money when you say you'd resent it later. If nothing else, you wouldn't have a child to make you selfless, so you would be leftover with the resentful feelings of a single, selfish person. (Selfish in the sense that your needs come first, because there's no one else in line!) Danger though, if he changes his mind. Make sure that he won't be the resentful one because he feels like you talked him into having more kids when he didn't want any. If he's sincere in his mind change, make sure he's prepared to parent the new child the same way he did his other kids and that he's not going to check out when the baby comes, because after all, YOU'RE the one who wanted a baby!

best of luck!

Step-children definitely do not take the place of your own children. They are not like adopting children.

You made the right decision.

For what it's worth, my own DH was also sure he didn't want any more kids until we met and fell in love. A few months later, though I was on the pill, I had a pregnancy scare, and when it turned out to be a false alarm, we both realized how very disappointed we both were. And even though our child together has special needs, DH is the most incredible father and says over and over how he's so glad he postponed his vasectomy so we could have 'our' baby. In other words, not every 'on second thought' father regrets it, participates half-heartedly, or runs for the door...

You made the best and right decision to leave this man. It must be hard to be without him now, but think about it. He does not want children and you do.

You are never better served but by yourself. You could adopt a child and i am sure this child would love you for ever and ever because you truly wanted him/her to the point where you even left a man you cared for in order to have in your life what you wanted, that is a child.

Go Girl!

Yes, adoption is a possibility and, I believe, adoption is a beautiful thing. I once heard the most amazing way a mother (OK it was Rosie O'Donnell, but love her or not, this is a cool way to look at it) told her adopted children about them being adopted. She said, "Every now and then, a little mistake happens, but God makes it right. See, you were put in the tummy of another lady, and when He realized that, He made sure I found you." I thought it was sweet and does sum up the journey. I used to have a huge calling to adopt - back when the Chinese girls were oppressed, I wanted to help them out so badly. I think there's a lot of positive things happening to them now - thank the Lord as I'm pretty busy w/ three little boys, three teenaged nephews, and three 20-something skids...

D

I have never had my own biological children and growing up, funny as it sounds, I never thought i would have children of my own. I always wanted to adopt.

Funny, but i still think someday something in regards to me having to take care of a child or children will happen. I've always thought that and even though i am in my late 40's, sometimes i wonder if God didn't allow me to have children because he knows what is in store for me. Nothing wrong with dreaming, is there.

When i saw the babies in Romania's orphanages, it really, really took me a long time to let go and stop thinking about their lives and to understand that for all kinds of reasons, it was impossible for me to make their lives better.