Is it okay to just not feel any connection to a step-child?
reluctantsm
15 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (63)
poppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoserenity_now_2007
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Step-mom to a child who doesn't speak english...
Comments (12)Hi Cindrillon, I feel obliged to respond to your post, since it mirrors my life so closely. I am an American, married to a Frenchman living in France with 2 step sons (6 and 8 years old). Although we have them EOW plus 1-2 days per week. I have a couple of questions. How long have you been living in France? Do you work? Do you have many friends here? I ask this because I started following this forum because I was having major problems adapting to life with my step sons when I moved here 2 years ago. I felt they were rude, babied, not very kind towards me, etc. And I wasnt completely wrong. They yelled at adults and no one reprimanded them, they didnÂt do anything for themselves, couldnÂt (still canÂt) tie their shoes, didnÂt dress themselves, had at potty chair that they still used! Keep in mind they were 4 and 6 at the time. I think a lot of this has to do with culture. To me it seems the French donÂt value kids being independent as much as Americans do. It also has to do with guilt on my DHÂs side. Plus, everyone was so busy fighting and getting through the divorce earlier that I think, unfortunately the kids kind of slipped through the cracks a little bit in the "life lessons" department. However, I think a major part was me too. I was in a new country, I couldnÂt speak the language well, I felt overwhelmed, tired, and every problem was magnified. Plus, since my life was so narrow (only DH and work) when something was going wrong it felt like my entire world was going wrong. But, it gets better. The kids adjusted, your DH will adjust and YOU will adjust. My DH was good and stepped up to all the "parenting". He let (and lets) me have time by myself if needed. Whereas before he felt we needed to re-create a family and do everything together. But you canÂt force it. (It probably will come, though.) Get out and about. Do things for yourself. Pick up a hobby. I wonÂt say learn the language because thatÂll come naturally (and trust me, the last thing I wanted to do after a long day and a 3 hour round trip commute was sit my butt in a language class). Now weÂre happily married, waiting on our 1st baby together (which the Step Sons are thrilled about), with ups and downs like any other family. I still get annoyed at the kids but itÂs more for "kid" things than "step-kid" things. So, to recap my rambling post Make sure you DH does the "parenting", but jump in for the fun times and try to build a bond. Try your hardest to be nice to your SS. He can sense your feelings even if you donÂt voice them, and youÂll get nowhere. Take time for yourself and try to build your life here. Be patient. Problems always seem magnified when your dealing with so much change to begin with. I know this stuff isnÂt always easy, and IÂm still working on it, too. But I found that it helped me immensely. Also, thereÂs an online group in France for parents called MESSAGE. Maybe look into that. TheyÂve got great support and are always organizing outings. And if youÂd like, let me know and you can email me personally. ItÂs always better when someone understands your situation. Hope things get better. Hang in there....See MoreGrandparenting a step child, is it really this hard?
Comments (14)to answer: Son and daughter relationship is the best one she has here. They have a nice thing together, he is very giving of his time, He is patient and kind with his discipline, and doesnt treat her like a baby. When her mom is not around she loves to be with him, they always have a science project in the works. When mom is here, she sort of tattles on any thing she can, to make him look bad. He knows its just jealousy, and doesnt give it much attention most of the time. He patiently tries to get her to see how it isnt a cool thing to do. So yes, it looks like there are issues with son, but I don't think that is the problem at all. I am going to sound crazy, but I think every thing she does is in an effort to control her mom. She needs more attention from her, son has tried to make mom accept it, I have stayed out of that. And to be honest, she is so damn difficult, it is tough to judge the mom too much. When nother does give her time, much of it is spent arguing and whining and throwing fits to get things or go places. If she learns she gets to go to a fair or shopping the next day, she spends every minute trying to get everyone to give her money or something new to wear, and getting to go to every other fun place she can come up with, when the day comes for the fair, theres no way the outing measures up to all she tried to manipulate, and every one has a crappy time. They have come home with her crying over a not getting her way every single time, I swear this. It's just an awful ritual. And, tho I see areas where mom could do things different, as a potential mother in law, I strongly feel it is not my place to point them out. That whole thing is so fragile between women. She is in trouble with school for not completing homework, and at home for lying about doing it much of the school year. I have never seen any sign of friends. When she moved in here, I offered to let her invite someone over, picking them up, what ever it took, and told the mom the same, eventually they both said all her friends were away for the summer. My gut doesn't think so. The times I have seen her with a neighbor I was hoping would become a friend, she is controlling and gets mad enough to scream at her. She took this twice and we have not been able to get her here again. There are issues that explain her behavior, I am not sure of all of them, but the ones I feel are of concern, are things kids have always had to deal with. She needs more time with mom. My son has told the mom this lots of times. She makes at attempt for a while and it slips thru the cracks, a common thing in parenting. As for me talling her this, I strongly feel that the relationship between Mother and wife or gf is so fragile that I am not the one to give her alot of correction on her parenting. And I strongly believe, what ever the excuses are as to why this girl behaves this way, when she is in the real world, no one is going to give a rip as to why she is selfish, or steals, or critical and jealous. And when they refuse to be her friend she may not ever understand why. So, and please correct me here if I am wrong, but I hope that the belief the behavior is unaccceptable, and it doesn't matter why, is a workable theory. She has been given many chances to stop it all before the consiquences became unpleasant, she knows that, she never let up, it was always full steam ahead. I think she absolutely cannot stand to be given a rule even if its about a computer that doesnt belong to her, and she disobeys for the power of seeing if she can make you back down. She wants to control everything. Thats my gut feeling lol And I don't have a clue how to change it in her. Hope this answered things guys, I thank you, It's so nice to hear others ideas. And please know, I gotta being doing something wrong here, so telling me so or pointing out my own bad attitude or what ever you may see, will be taken as an effort to be helpful, I just want to fix this, if I have to see my own faults to do it, hey, no surprise lol thanks laurily Her life is she was raised by a very young single mother, who put herself thru dental assisting school and has managed to give them both a pretty descent life. She had a long term thing a year before my son met her. The girl has never mentioned this man or if she cared about him. My belief is that his absence gave her more time alone with her mom so she was great with it. The mom suffers guilt over working, and it's not warranted, her hours are no worse than any one else's, but going to daycare after school for an hour was a constant complaint, and she would tell every one she could how awful it was that her mom made her go. I belie...See MorePlease help me with my step child!
Comments (14)I am in a relationship with my boyfriend who has a 5 year old girl. She comes from a VERY privileged family who think they are above everyone else. When she can't have something she screams and gets what she wants. Recently my boyfriend has had the 2nd court case and alot more access to her and instead of 2 days of play he is having much more time with her and has given her discipline where needed but she screams and carries on until he backs down because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. As for me, I try not to discipline her because I want to create respect, but last night I broke when it felt like all my love and fun and kindness was thrown out the window when she said to her Dad in a fit of fury that she wanted him to get rid of me, this all stemmed from her not being able to sit in the front seat of the car. Once in the back, She kicked the back of my car seat and had a tantrum. My boyfriend disciplined her then took her back to her mother and they had a talk and she wants them back together, which is a normal thing, but my dilemma is HOW do I treat this child now. The daughter is learning bad traits such as racism and high class traits that are turning her into a spoilt brat. Should I just not give her any energy wether it is good or bad and just step back? I talked to my boyfriend about it today and he said to try that, but it is harder to give nothing than to give love and support and then on the other hand be emotionally effected when she turns her anger on me. I welcome any thoughts on this subject please. Thank you Megan...See MoreToo quiet step-father makes my children feel disliked
Comments (6)OMG! I just HAD to post to this one. You sound as if you are telling MY story! I posted my own question a couple weeks ago regarding the same type of man. I can tell you from first hand experience that this guy is not going to change. If anything things will only get worse from this point on. I know that's hard to hear and not what you want to hear. I've been there. I too was wishing for advice or some magic potion to make him 'see' what he was doing. I blamed myself, I hated the way he treated my kids. I let it go on for way to long. I kept hoping and wishing that one day I'd wake up and things would be different. I did finally wake up but looking back I know I should have gotten out a long time ago. Sweetie... for YOUR sake and YOUR KIDS, GET OUT of that situation. Start now preparing to move on with your life. I can tell you that it's only going to get worse. I'm speaking from experience here. I finally did something about my situation. I filed for divorce (yesterday) and he moved out. I can't even express the calm and the peace I feel with him out of the house. My children simply glowed this morning. It's only going to get better for us I just feel it. Granted it's going to be tough financially but hey.. it's worth it to have that man out of our house. Above all else, don't blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them that no human being has to settle for that type of behavior. It's simply unacceptable. I made up so many excuses over the years for my husbands behavior. Always telling the children just to stay quiet and out of his way when he was home. We were prisoners to his paycheck. So scared that we couldnt make it without him. But I reached the point to where I wasn't scared of that anymore. It scared me more to think about what he was doing to my children's mental well being. I tried everything to get my husband to see what he was doing. He was so deep in denial that he would never admit to being the problem or even having a problem. It was 'all the kids fault' and my fault because he had no interactions with the kids. I'm talking... This man wold walk right past us on his way out of the house or into the house and not even look in our direction. He didn't even acknowledge our existance!! I never understood how he could not even speak. I thought how rude! Well, it's his loss. I hope the silence in his new place is killing him. Meanwhile my house is filled with laughter. It feels like we've come out of a long winter. Even the sunshine is brighter today. If you'd like to email me you may do so at lacey2010@yahoo.com If I can do anything to help you, even if it's just listening please email me. I know first hand how difficult that type of situation can be. I know what it feels like to have your heart torn out day after day wishing,hoping and praying for even the slightest glimpse of hope that something is going to change. The sad truth is... men like these never change. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you'll email me....See Morepoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosilversword
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppingrays
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agothermometer
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustnotmartha
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agothermometer
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoorganic_maria
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agobarb5
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustnotmartha
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agonivea
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agothermometer
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agobarb5
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoorganic_maria
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agomollymcb
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agopoppy31
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agobarb5
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoserenity_now_2007
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosmerngong
8 years agoZero Lee
7 years agoaidalyn
7 years agocherry4774
7 years agoyabber
7 years agoUser
5 years agocolleenoz
5 years agoUser
5 years agosushipup1
5 years agogl0ssy (Ontario zone 5b)
5 years agolisaw2015 (ME)
5 years agoKaren Peltier
5 years agolast modified: 5 years agoSara Tilmont
5 years agolast modified: 5 years agocolleenoz
5 years agoAriel Anderson
5 years agocolleenoz
5 years agolast modified: 5 years agoAriel Anderson
5 years agolast modified: 5 years agoNina Kang
4 years ago
Related Stories
LIFECreate a 'Forever House' Connection
Making beautiful memories and embracing your space can help you feel happy in your home — even if you know you'll move one day
Full StoryHOUZZ TVHouzz TV: A Most Unusual Indoor-Outdoor Connection
A giant California Sycamore grows through this dream house in the hills of Los Angeles
Full StoryWINDOWS11 Ways to Create Indoor-Outdoor Connections
Expand nature's soothing embrace with sliding doors, covered porches, generous windows and more
Full StorySTAIRWAYSThe Upstairs-Downstairs Connection: Picking the Right Stair Treatment
Carpeting, runner or bare wood? Check out these ideas for matching your staircase floor treatment to upstairs and downstairs flooring
Full StoryLANDSCAPE DESIGNHow to Make Your Painted or Stained House Feel at Home in the Landscape
Use color and texture to create a pleasing connection between your house and garden
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESReboot Your Child’s Room for Back-to-School Time
Give a preschooler to teen a room that’s more age appropriate, fun or to their taste
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESRevive Your Room’s Look in Just 5 Steps
Not in total-makeover mode? Give your space polish and a pulled-together look with this easily doable plan
Full StoryUNIVERSAL DESIGNMy Houzz: Universal Design Helps an 8-Year-Old Feel at Home
An innovative sensory room, wide doors and hallways, and other thoughtful design moves make this Canadian home work for the whole family
Full StoryLIFE10 Steps for Saying Goodbye to Sentimental Objects
Are keepsakes cluttering your space and your life? Consider this approach for letting go and moving on
Full StoryMOST POPULAR12 Key Decorating Tips to Make Any Room Better
Get a great result even without an experienced touch by following these basic design guidelines
Full StorySponsored
More Discussions
poppy31