Please discuss your exact feelings,expectation and rules to your BF before they move in. If he doesn't agree to this don't have them move in. Just read so many sad stories on this forum where the kids end up being dislike, unloved and no one is happy.

Madison, it would seem HIGHLY unlikely to me that there will be any changes to the way your BF disciplines or guides his son--ever. The boy is 14 years old, and even if your BF does agree to change his dealings with his son, it is unlikely that a 14 year pattern is going to change overnight. Asking someone to change rarely works out.

And FWIW, (in my best Dr. Laura voice) shacking up with your BF and a mix of your 2 children and his 1 child is a SURE FIRE way to bring disharmony to everyone concerned. You will resent a man who (likely) didn't change and a boy who is rude and undisciplined, and your children will resent all the attention that his son gets because of his boorish behavior.

You'd better think long and hard about asking you BF to move in. I would suggest that if you do this, you do NOT expect them to change because I believe you will be disappointed if you do. You have to be willing to accept them as they are, and if they aren't acceptable, perhaps it's not the boy who is the problem.... Children don't raise themselves.

....and one more thing--with knowing how this man's son has turned out, are you absolutely SURE that you want this man parenting YOUR kids?

vivian is right. And yes, Dr. laura would ask you if this is the kind of example you want for your sons. Are you sure that you want to give them the message that it is OK to just shack up with someone? Are those really the values you want your sons to have?

2. If you go forward anyway, you must assume that he will not change. He may get worse. And your children may follow his example. And your boyfriend is not going to suddenly become the kind of father you wish he were. And you and he may end up supporting his son well into adult hood, if he is so rude and undeciplined.

3. Are you comfortable with a 14 year old spending so much time with a 9 year old? Why?

Hi everyone,
Now you get to hear it from the Boyfriends perspective.
(Madisons Boyfriend/future Husband)

I'm 34 and have been divorced for 7 years now.
I took custody of my son because of abuse on his mothers behalf 3 years ago.

Much of what you all have said in the way of advice is horrible. Considering the very limited information you had to work with.
She was asking for advice (Tips for the POSITIVE) to make things WORK and how to amicably solve problems that all Stepfamilies go through.
What you have given her is basically No hope at all.
I have to wonder if some of you were at the painfull end of a stepfamily relationship and therefore give advice based on your own or close friends experiences. Or maybe too much Dr. Laura radio time.

First of all, I am not a typical guy.
I've spent the last 7 years celibate and waiting for something more than just a ride to come along.
Not a date, not nothing. You know why? Because it was important for me to finalize what had happened to me before.

I know what I want and I am willing enough to compromise on ANYTHING to realize what most people don't and will never have. A loving, lasting relationship. Will all the bumps and pitfalls that come with that.
I am more than mature enough to handle critcism and see my faults and my errors when they are pointed out to me. Even IF those issues are not really problems at all but a difference of lifestyle.
You cannot treat or give someone grief over what used to be normal and acceptable before. You can only work on the rules of play.
Which means that if something My son and I did before in fun bothers Madison, then we will work it out and make sure we respect her space.

Vivian31,

I can assure you, Its not only HIGHLY possible but
a certainty that my disciplinary skills will change accordingly. You would have to understand our situation more than you do to say a comment like "it would seem HIGHLY unlikely".
That comment only serves to scare Madison rather than give her what she is looking for, which is advice on how to approche me about these issues in hopes of finding solutions that will lead to success rather than failure.

I have admitted to her that I have not been on the ball latly with my son when it comes to rules and regulations.
Thats because I've NEVER had to until recently. My Son was always mindfull and kind and never gave me a hard time about
doing what was asked.
I really believe the issues that WE are facing with him are issues that are due to jealousy, hurt feelings and the Gigantic issue of CHANGE.

His behaiviour recently is directly proportional to his age, the girlfriend he has and everything else a 14 year old goes through.

Yes, I will have to get on him a alot more than i used to have too, but thats life.

If the only thing I'm worrying about at this time is getting him to sit at the table and stay, clean his room, be courteous and watch his manners, I feel things are gonna be ok.

For you to say this will bring dis-harmony is a bit of a no-brainer.
Show me one stepfamily that hasn't had to deal with some dis-harmony and I'll send you a unicorn.
The issue is not to prevent dis-harmony. Its to deal with it when it certainly will come.

bnicebkind,

This issue of a 14 year old hanging out with a 9 year old is no more an issue than if you were to say "Why is your 14 year old brother hanging out with his 9 year old brother".
Thats how long and how close these 2 fellas are.

I have to go cause my Baby calls, but I'd be happy to discuss this further with you and Madison on here.
If only to help those in the same boat see how it CAN work with patience and understanding.

See ya soon......

Madison and Soon-to-be-Husband,
Sounds like Madison's questions may have been misunderstood. DH and I are in a similar situation, 2 1/2 years later. We are raising his 11 year old grandson, given to us with 8 hours warning. His mother NEVER had custody (drugs, jail, etc.) and DH's ex was on the very very verge of losing him too. He was 9 at the time and his 10 year old brother was already in kiddie jail.

He came to us with learning disabilities and emotional, mental and behavior problems. He still struggles at school but has probably gotten to almost a first-grade reading level and hasn't hit a teacher for a few months. He can be a good kid, but sometimes chooses not to. He reserves nearly all his bad behavior for school and has been nearly always very well-behaved at home.

We also have my nineteen year old son at home. No problems there. But families can be blended even under difficult circumstances. For our DGS, consistent discipline and consequences usually gets him back on track. Although the closer he gets to being a teenager, the stronger he tries to rebel. Wish us luck.

We didn't buy it for him, the other GM did, but he has a nice new Xbox. Now it has been removed from his room for over a couple of weeks. He needs to have five straight days at school with no refusing to work to earn it back. Might take him a while. He'll have a good day or two then a bad one. We put stickers on the calendar and he knows how the calendar works and how many is five. Last year, he complied beautifully whether it was working for a reward or earning back privileges or toys. This year he seems to be challenging us to see if we'll stick to it. By the way, he was NEVER disciplined and never had consequences in his former home.

It is important for both parents to be in agreement about what consequences should be. And if there is to be a discussion about bad behavior with or without the 14 year old, it is best to do it in private away from the younger kids. Even my 19 year old doesn't like to be around when we have one of those bad behavior talks with DGS.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it isn't easy. Sometimes when there has been great progress, there is substantial backsliding. But sometimes, there are great rewards too.

Sorry this is long, but I want you to know there are some of us who know where you are coming from.

dirt_yfingernails,

Thanks for the reply. Sounds like you 2 really have a handle on what works and what doesn't. Its also apperant that even when things work properly, it is still challenging at times.
I think this is an important point to take hold of.
No matter how well laid the plans, how well things seem to work, be prepared for emotinal turmoil at times regardless.

I believe that the most important element in the success of a step family is that BOTH parents stand firm in thier decisions, united and agreeable.
There MUST be one set of rules for all the Boys. (Minus of course bed times because you can't really expect an 18 year old to conform to a 9 year olds bed time or a 14 year olds for that matter). But the general rules of the household must be followed.
Madisons rules for the home are much different than mine were. I say "Were" because I like her style better than mine. I feel Madison brings a certain regiment of rules that enhance the quality of life for everyone. Even if my Son is going to have a harder time adjusting to it, in the end he will be a happier kid because of it, if not at first.

I hope I didn't come off as being to hard on the other respondants but your right dirt_yfingernails, I believe they misunderstood the reasoning and expectations behind Madisons inquiry's.

She is NOT trying to find reasons to leave or keep Myself or my Son out, but in fact the opposite, make things work as best as possible.

No one said it would be easy, and no one here expects it to be. You don't get nothing for free, and this will take work to succeed.
Any nuggets of encouragement or advice for the positive is more than appreciated.

Test,

Best wishes Test and Madison!

Testandmadison...I respect that madison has been open with you about her feelings on all of this, because if you take the time to read the stepparent forum, you will come across several women who "hate" their stepchildren, and they do not share this with their husband. And that is an awful place for any child to grown up in. But your son is 14, and madison says she loves him...but his manners etc. need improvement, which will not only help madison to feel more comfortable with the situation, but it will help your son in life. And since you like the way that she is raising her children, and you are willing to follow her example and raise the bar for your son and raise your expectations for him, then perhaps the two of you can pull this off.

So often, women have expectations, and think to themselves that they can change someone. And when they cannot, it becomes something that becomes a real problem in the marriage. And the man never really intended to change at all. And after the "newness" of the relationship wore off, he is even less inclined. However, it sounds as those madison has been very open with her concerns, and you have agreed to work on this together. And it appears that you have a sincere intention to hear her, and join her in helping your son to become a man you are all proud of. So you are both working towards the same goal. My advice above, is to ask her that if he doesn't change, can she live with that possibility?

It sounds as if you and Madison need to sit down together and make a list of all the things that are bothering her, (and you) and set up a list of family rules, and expectations. And then sit down with the kids, and have a family meeting, being very clear that you and madison are on the same page on your expectations and why. And be consistant in following through with the consequences. And spend some time alone with your son, and tell him that you have been to lax on some things that were perhaps important in raising him to be a man you are all proud of. And that you are not "siding" with madison per se, but in watching her it reminded you of things as a father that you need to teach him, that have fallen through the cracks...so that it does not set madison up as the bad guy, before you are even married. I applaud madison for the way she is handling this up front. that she is not blindly going forward with something...ignoring things that are bothering her like so many women do...because they want the guy. She is willing to tackle the hard stuff up front, in the open and be honest. I wish you both the best as you build a new future together!

Madison's fiance:
You need to set one simple rule: your future WIFE deserves courtesy and respect.

That means not trashing the house, not dissing her, following the house rules (jointly set by you and Madison), etc.

Check your own behavior ... are you letting things slide? Are you acting towards her the way you want your son to act?

Test's child needs to be given rules now. And they need to come from Test not from Madison. Eventually Madison can present her stepson with rules, but in the beginning it usually goes over better if it comes from the bio-parent. Same goes for any rules that Test wants to set for Madison's kids, better the rules come from her. Why? Because it's so easy for a kid to think "you're not my parent" even if they aren't screaming it at you.

Setting rules now will help because there will be one less transition to make when all of you move together.