I'm not a mom, I'm an auntie, so I have less firsthand experience with this than lots of other posters will.

I agree that there's a problem when a 6 yo is beating up on a 2 yo and that it has to stop. Kids are going to be jealous of one another, but teaching them how to express it in an acceptable way is HARD! My oldest nephew used to be jealous of his cousin when they were about 6 and 2 and we still haven't found a really good solution to when he has a flareup (even now at 8 and 4, he gets snitty about when she gets something or gets to go first, etc), yet oddly he's rarely jealous of his sister who's two years younger than he is.

My suggestion would be making sure that she spends some alone time with you and even more important, with her dad! Above all, that's my main idea. If her mom's not in the picture, she may feel very isolated from her own family and be really craving some alone time with her dad.
But I have a few other brainstorms too - these are just off the cuff and may not work at all for you...
How about making it so each person in the household gets one day a week where they get to pick what's for supper or choose a goody from the "sack of surprises" (or whatever works for your family)?? Maybe marking one day a week where SD is "extra special" would help her see that everyone has to take turns and share the limelight?
How does your SD cope with "If you don't want the babies to touch your clothes, you'd better come help me with the laundry on the double!!"? Are you sure it's about touching her stuff, and not about doing an activity with you? Could you do the laundry sometimes while the 2 yo is napping or otherwise occupied, so only the 6 yo is helping?
I bet I'll get the wringer for this suggestion, but what if you were to hound her back about "mine"? When she touches anything that belongs to anyone else, could you tell her to put it down because it's not hers? She might get the picture if she's not allowed to touch anything that belongs to anyone else. Another side of that coin would be to say "If we aren't able to share our own things with one another, then EVERYTHING in the house now belongs to EVERYONE and we all share everything" (my mom did that one to my older siblings once and they smartened up about sharing once they discovered sharing was better than not having anything of your own)
I'm not saying you should necessarily try out my ideas, I'm just trying to get the brainstorm ball rolling.

Welcome :)

Read some of the other posts and be weary of wolves in sheep clothing.... they're baaaaaaaad.

I do not have any advice to offer ... sorry my SC are tweens... and jealous of each other but I have a TS attitude you are not triplets just because one gets something doesn't mean all 3 get something.

With your working outside the home, and with 4 children, I am guessing you have a really really full plate, so I agree, get Dad involved. Who shares rooms? Is 17 yr old going away to college soon? Give us some more background.

I just wonder if she might want more of your attention. maybe it is not like she dislikes her little sister but she wants more of your time?

Try this, when you catch her doing wrong, grit your teeth and try to ignore, and when you catch her doing right, Praise , praise , praise...

I have to agree with KKNY, Dotz, and Finedreams. Get dad involved. She's screaming for attention. She went from being the baby to not being the baby two years ago and she probably blames the 2 year old for losing that attention from you and dad both.

I suggest you take a day just the two of you and hang out, paint toe nails, fingers, finger paint, go get ice cream. Tell her that you wanted a day just the two of you because you needed some time with a big girl and she needed some time away from everyone and that you love her. Then you and DH find extra moments to spend with her. If she starts to misbehave, tell her "Look, I want to go have some fun without ____ and ____. If you want to go, come on, but you're going to have to act like a big girl or we can stay here."

I also really like dotz' idea about praise praise praise. Ignore a few minor misconducts and find something to praise her for. "Oh ____ wow! That's great! You did such a good job cleaning up your room!" And do something goofy to get her to laugh. I'm convinced that laughter is always the best medicine.

I really wish you luck and keep posting!

Welcome!

I had this same scenario although not so extreme a while back -- Two of my boys went through this; I have a two year old son and a six year old step son who decided one day that and I quote "R__ gets everything! He can take my things and Mom and Dad let him keep them! He takes all their attention too!" although I'm lucky in that he wasn't openly mean to his brother, he just went to his room and cried over it. We had a long talk about sharing, and how thats how his older brother used to feel about him etc.. and we still love him just as much as we did before etc..he came to terms with it after we had a long talk about it. Has DH ever sat down with her and talked about this stuff? I will say that 6 seems to be, at least with my kids a huge tantrum age. My policy is when they start to act 2 I put them in their room, they can come out when they're done. Do that for a month I bet you'll see a lot of improvement.

In your situation, I disagree with some posters, I wouldn't ignore the behavior, I would continue to bring a firm hand, but allow her to have somethings that are 'hers' a few favorite toys etc..but for something as simple as a shirt causing a fit I would continue time outs or a swat on the butt (from DH of course). I would try a talk like the following (from you and hubby to her):
"We all live together as a family, and part of being a family is sharing with your siblings. I know you think I'm hard on you but my house is not a democracy and while you are in my house you will follow my rules and the most important rule there is is to be nice to the people who love you and those people are your father,me and your siblings and I will allow you to treat them this way. If you get a lot of time outs that is because of your behavior not because I am mean, it is because you have made a choice not to follow the rules and that choice had a consequence." Etc...

Just my two cents...

swat on a butt? what kind of advice is that?

I think respecting others property is important too. Frequently a younger child will break an older child's toys. I dont think the older child should have to share everything. It isnt fair. I certainly wouldnt ask the 17 year old to share with the 6 year old, and an age difference of 6 and 2 is a pretty big gulf. I think Sieryn's SS has a legitimate point -- I dont think the 2 year old should be allowed to take all of 6's toys.

As to OP, I would need to hear more about that situation, but I dont think Sieryn is being fair. And I agree -- spanking is never appropriate for shareing issues. It is only appropriate where safety is concerned (as in dont touch the stove, it child keeps getting near it, and only after removing chile from danger).

I don't think spanking is ever appropriate, for any issues. Sometimes it is a natural reaction but it doesn't mean it is appropriate reaction. I am against any kind of physical punishment (not to say that it is not tempting sometimes )

I had that problem and it has surfaced again. My 13 SD is starting to get jealous of my 28 month old. She's pist off that her dad 'spends more time'
He took her aside and told her, i spend more time because they livve with me 24 /7. You dont'. If you want more time with me, then live with me and stop whining and complaining. It takes me 2 hours to drive up north to see you for 15 minutes because you have homework and need to go to bed??? Be reasonable. She kept doing things and during march break was the breaking point. She tried to get her brother in trouble then my son and then herself!!! by trying to convince me she scratched my sons nose! LOL. I told her to stop it. Stop trying to get negative attention. you wont get any. Lets be positive about things . Then she taught my son to hit in the face other...so i put my foot down in front of the entire family . She called her mom and left. Which is fine by me. I will not reward bad behaviour on any of the kids. bio or step. my SS jumped for joy when she left.....scary
Either way. Here's my advice after my tangent. GEt your husband involved. Period, he needs to spend tiem alone with his daughter and give her extra care. Jealousy is naturally and especially at that age. Keep your guard with your 2 year old and really act quick with him to correct anything he learns from her. I'm doing that now with my 2 year old. I'm correcting him because of his sister and i;m also keeping watch. So she doesn't do anythign in the future. Encourage sharing all the time. I know its hard, but keep at it. Keep punishing any of them for doing anything wrong. Let the 6 year old see you punishing the 2 year old. Treat them fair. I know its hard but take it one day at a time. Keep up the talks with her. Thats the best you can do.
Where is her mom??? She should also be involved. Does she at least go to visit her mom on weekends or something?????

I have five boys..when they were that age and threw tantrums they would get into hitting, kicking, throwing things etc..so yeah that does get a swat on the butt from Dad. I wasn't advising spanking for not sharing but for the hissy fit that comes after.

Not everyone is against corporal punishment fine...in fact, my oldest SS would probably have been either shipped off to boarding school or in juvi right now without it. When he came to live with us he was completely out of control(even tried to jump out of a moving van cause he 'didn't want to go to school') and nothing not the psychs or the 'time outs' or the 'loose privileges' completely worked. It wasn't until DH got his backup and cracked his butt a few times that he straightened out, now he's an A student.

Thank you for all your advice. I totally understand about her feeling left out and screaming attention. However, she is not willing to be part of the family at times either. We have a grandparents issue where when she doesn't get her way she calls them and cries and they "talk" to her about why she is unhappy - not seeing the reason why she called was because of behavior problems or something she did wrong. I give her lots of positive praise and do ignore the small things but feel that I cannot ignore everything with her. I am trying to get Dad more involved but sometimes he doesn't and it makes it very hard on me. The 6 year old has her own toys and the 2 year old has their own toys. If it is something special I tell the 6 year old to put it away safe so the 2 yo does not touch but she purposely puts it where she can get it so the 2 yo gets yelled at or some kind of negative attention is warranted. Also, I have caught the 6 year old about 10 times screaming that the 2 yo was hitting her when the 2 yo was 20 feet away, only looking to get the 2 yo in trouble. I am a firm believer in rules and structure and being consistant. Maybe this is where her and I bang heads. I try to do things just her and I but she doesn't want to and says that she wants her grandmother. Over the summer she had a "break down" because she was acting out (not against the 2 yo) but for not wanting to follow rules like going to bed, etc. Ever since she calls her grandmother and cries everytime she doesn't get her way. I have spoken to the GM about this because I think that sometimes "talking" to the child is a bad thing, sometimes a parent shouldn't explain why they say no. I guess I am just at my wits end.

Thank you all!

I wouldnt let her call her grandma every time she gets into trouble. It undermines your own authority and even though she is only 6 the two of you need to be able to get through hurdles and obstacles without interference from others.. that helps build your relationship. When she throws a fit or lies or whatever yes punish her ... make her serve whatever punishment that might be consistantly and dont let her call grandma... But, do what grandma does and talk to her afterward. Make sure she knows why she got in trouble... Dont coddle her through her punishment but be the person that says the "I love you this has nothing to do with that but you can not act this way or that way" And, no I do not think parents should have to explain to children why they say no every time... Sometimes a no is a no and they need to accept that.

It sounds like you are working hard at this. Does GM live close to you? Maybe you can have a set time on a weekend that 6 yr old goes to GM -- to give you and everyone a break, etc. Does GM speak to you or DH, maybe you can explain to her quietly what is going on and ask her help ot talk to SD, not when SD is screaming, but at a time when things are quiet.

When you know its going to a "call to grandma" incident .... dial your own phone number on the phone and leave it off the hook somewhere .... she won't be able to call at that very moment .... she will have to call when she is calmed down.

She shouldn't be "tattling" on you .... if she starts with I wanna call my grandma relentlously ... tell her ok after you calm down I will call grandma and tell her whats going on why you need to talk to her and then you can speak to her ... "tattle first" :)

I would have to agree about not calling grandma during an incident. My bioson used to want to call his dad after getting in trouble with me. I would just tell him no, you do not need to use the phone and complain about getting in trouble. You can call him later.

Most times he would not ask later to call. And if he did he sure did not want to tell his dad he got in trouble because he did not want his dad to tell him he was wrong! I think with kids it is a heat of the moment thing. They think that they are going to "tell" on us and we will back down from the punishment.

As for the explaining why you say no everytime, I think that encourages talking back. I used to go crazy explaining to my son why I was saying no because once I started doing that he ALWAYS wanted to dispute why I was saying no! Finally it got to the point where no means no-thats it-no explanation. Recently we discussed it and I told him how it is harder for a parent to say no than it is to say yes, and if I say no it is because I love him and have a very good reason for saying no.

I do not let her call her grandmother everytime she gets in trouble. She does sneak the phone sometimes and I do try to put it where she can't get it and/or let her call later. I have done the "tattle first" thing too but it just does not sink in. I honestly believe that either she is the extremely stubborn child that won't accept change or that she has a very hard time listening.

I have already raised a 17 year old girl from a previous marriage (she is graduating this year - I can't believe it!) and have been through a lot of tantrums and stuff that I learned from. I do not explain myself but only once why I am doing anything and feel that if you have to explain more it enables the child to gain control.

GM and GP live close and she is over there before and after school as well as sometimes on the weekend. However, there are the typical grandparent issues at hand like over spoiling and extreme babying of the 6 year old (for example - the 6 yera old takes a shower by herself with some help washing her hair at my house but at GM's she has to have her GM wash her body and hair and can't do anything for herself). It causes major problems because the 6 yo thinks we don't love her because we don't do those things, despite her father and I explaining that she is growing up and needs to do things on her own and has nothing to do about love. I try to explain that grandparents sometimes do special things with their grandchildren. The GM also always points out to the children what people don't do for them (which I have been noticing with all my children) so I wonder if that is influencing the 6 yo to feel even more "out of the loop".

I have made arrangements for the 6 yo to go to afterschool program several days a week and she will be starting to go to before school program too so she won't be at the gm house as much, which hopefully will change things.

You can't let her get away with the temper tantrums, but I think they are very natural. She is at an age where there are lots of changes, upsetting to any child. (going to first grade, bratty classmates, etc) And she was abandoned by her mother. She is going to test you, try to drive you away, etc. Every time she finds herself liking you or relying on you, having fun with you, etc. she is going to kick back harder and misbehave even worse. It is called self-preservation.

Went through this with my step grandson. Abandoned first by his mother, then by his grandmother at age 9. He has personality and learning disorders. He fought hard for 3-4 years and really hated me at times. DH always stood up for me, thank God. DSGS and I get along fine now (he's almost 14) but I had to disengage emotionally or be emotionally destroyed. I disengaged.

dirt_yfingernails,

I want to thank you for your post. I have been extremely frustrated by my SD because it seems that often, we are getting along very well, then for no apparent reason, she changes overnight. She won't talk to me, won't look at me, has an attitude if I tell her anything, ignores me. I will usually have a talk with her and ask if I've done anything wrong and she'll say no. Usually, after talking to her, she will be nice again, we'll get along and then it happens again. I know she's conflicted about her loyalty to her mom and her mom abandoned her (or at least she feels abandoned by her mom). It is emotionally draining and I don't know if I can disengage because she lives here all the time so she does rely on me for a lot. When her mom lets her down, she's even nicer to me. When her mom does something for her, she treats me like chopped liver. It's very hard. But, thanks for sharing that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Child experts say six is one of those really tough years where bad behaviour is common. In fact the three worst years, according to our family therapist, are 2, grade one, and grade 7. Something to do with the start of grade 1 , and all day school with responsibility tends to short circuit the kids for a while. I remember every one of my kids being a total brat in grade one, after being "angels" ha ha at younger ages. BY the time they got to grade 2, they had learned how to control their own behaviour to be socially acceptable.

Just as an afterthought, the main problem in grade 7 seems to be refusing to complete things, whether that be homework, or getting self dressed, or being responsible for their own stuff. THats the most common issue at that age. Anyone else have a kid that lies about homework?

What we did when ours were picking on their younger siblings...if it was confrontational or violent, an immediate time out. What also helped was never reacting to the whining, but giving extra attention whenever good behaviour was there. IN other words, when the child is whining about little bro having an extra cookies, ignore it. BUt when the child is playing nicely with little bro, or even coexisting in the same room without any problems, make a point of doing something nice for the child. Kids that age want attention and they arent particular if its positive attention or negative attention.

Of course, any direct confrontation has to be stopped. Be careful that you dont just seem to punish the six year old, even if it seems they are causing it. IF they really ARE the ones causing it, then time out for them, but sometimes six year olds can convince themselves that the two year old is doing something to them. IN that case its better to just separate the two for a while, and work on the positive stuff. Six year olds cant reason like an adult can. Their problems with their siblings seem very big to them, even though we as adults cant see what the problem is.

It takes about three weeks to change a bad habit of a kid in that age range. IN the meantime, just hang in. This too shall pass.

I have had simialr problems as well. I have raised my SD since she was 3. Sd is now 10 and Bio is 4. I would love to say it gets better but our sibling rivalry seems to always haunt us. Honestly I think some things are just that whether Bio or step makes no difference there will be sibling rivalry. I think it is intensified with a child who is being raised by Step mom and bio parent is absent. I think there is an insecurity to begin with because the child has been abandoned. Then you put a new bio child in the picture and step has to figure out where she fits in, and most likely feels a bit abandoned again.
My two compete and fight quite a bit. Younger Bio has definately picked up on the bad behavior and now treats SD the same way SD treats her. One thing I have started doing w/ SD is calling her on it when she attempts to manipulate a situation which sounds like exactly what your SD is doing. I call her on what she is doing and tell her exactly what she is doing and why I think she is doing it and that it is not going to work. Before we go to GMas we have a big talk about manipulating to get what we want especially to get attention. The look on her face is speechless when I call her on these things (I guess she realizes I am not dumb!) That has really helped a lot. I would not let SD run to granny everytime she is in trouble or having problems. I would sit Granny down and tell her you need her to have your back. I have done this on several ocassions my my MIL and she has backed off. She didn't even realize what she was doing by babying until it was pointed out. Good Luck!

grade 7? when DD was in grade 7, it was probably the worst year of my life. ha she was so bad, she remembers it herself as a terrible time, she was awful. lied about her grades and homework, didn't listen to me, was rude etc and every time I tried to apply any kind of discipline or rules, she would say "I will run away". It was like she was possessed, so true-7th grade.rrrrr.