well my 2 cents. If your dad would want to spend a day with you, then it would be wrong of SM to say: you have a kid at home. Because you are a kid too, even if grown.

But it sounds like he was going to spend a day with your SS who is a son of your DH. so is it like a stepgranchild, right? Going to luch with him, running errands etc Not like he should not be doing that, but most people with such young children at home simply cannot find time to spend time with stepgrandchildren.

And it is reasonable to not bring 2-year-old to work. Nobody brings young children to work.

In this case I guess it makes sense to say that he should be spending more time with 2 year old son who certainly needs a father rather than spending it with DD's SS who already has a father. I guess her jealousy is understandable. Unless there is more to this story...

If this was an isolated thing and especially since you got the story second hand from your dad I really wouldn't read too much into it. There are at least two points of view in any relationship and if your sm feels her husband has been neglecting her, their son, their relationship, housework or any other such thing lately, the frustration can come out in poorly expressed ways. Which can then get passed on even more poorly if your dad is also frustrated with her pushing him to do whatever it is she is wanting from him.

I try really really hard to distinguish, verbally with BF, between feeling neglected or frustrated about him not spending enough time with me vs. not wanting him to do things with or for his kids, but there are still times he interprets it a way I didn't intend-- to the point I have had to specifically state I am not trying to take you away from your family (to which his response was I know that, but that's not how it sounded like to me just a minute ago!) There is no doubt in my mind that if he happens to have a conversation about me 5 minutes later with someone else, what he tells them is going to make me sound like evil GF not wanting to let him be with his family. I only hope he is waiting at least 15 minutes after these conversations before talking about me to any of his kids!

as I reread the first post it looks like dad comes over often, takes kids (stepgrandkids or grandkids, unclear) to his workplace, run errands etc. If it is a regular thing "often" i can see how SM is resentful.

It is probably more fun to spend time run errands with stepgrandkids or grandkids who probably aren't 2 year old than taking care of a 2 year old child (diapers, tantrums, food etc).

I can totally see SM wanting DH to spend weekends with 2 year old and his wife rather than running errands with stepgrankids. I can see her wanting him at home with his little son.

I wonder if you could visit your dad since he has a little son to take care off rather than him coming to your house and his wife sitting home with a little one.

The thing is that when my dad takes my child or stepchildren with him he is running errands near my home that he would be running anyways. When he takes them to his business (he is the owner) he would have been going there anyways to stop in and check on things. So it is really not taking more time away from my sm and brother. Staying at my house the other day would have taken more time away from them.

I can understand that my sm wishes my dad could be home more. But he owns a business, which he owned long before she was in the picture. His hours there have not changed, not has his routine since he met her. She stays home with my brother and does not have to work so she should be a little more understanding about my dads schedule.

We do go there to visit sometimes. The only reason we do dinners at my house is it is bigger. When we go there then our 4 kids really have nothing to play with or anywhere to move around. Also, they have cats which I am severely allergic to. After about an hour I start having problems. So I visit when it can be short, or when the weather is nice and we can play outside.

if he is already very busy with work and business, I can see how when he is not working, she wants him home. i am not saying he should not come to your house by himself, but I trully CAN understand how she feels.

I remember having a young child and X not being there, working long hours and going to school but then when he had free time he would again be somewhere else. Needless to say marriage did not work out. I doubt you want that for your father.

Somehow I trully understand how she feels. I disagree about "does not have to work". So many of SMs on this forum do not work because they take care of children. So isn't it what your SM does? Works at home?

Please do not get me wrong. Taking care of my little brother and their home is a full-time job. I am not saying she does not work. And I do understand her desire to have my dad home more. I often wish my dh and I did not work opposite shifts and could be home together more! But if he goes fishing with his cousins on one of his days off occasionally I do not complain. If I go to lunch or dinner with a friend or relative by myself and leave him with the kids he does not complain. We do not have to do everything together!

I guess I was not upset that she wanted him home, just at the way she said it. Like my little brother is the only child he should be spending time with and how dare he think he could come sit at my house without them for an hour or so. Before last summer I lived much farther away and rarely saw him.

I guess I was not upset that she wanted him home, just at the way she said it. -- That's exactly what I thought you meant, and the part I was trying to address-- just because she said it that way might not be the way she really meant it, just words coming out badly. (assuming it was an isolated comment not the kind of thing she says often)

she probably said it because she was upset. when people are upset, it comes out harsh. it does sound harsh and i can see how you feel too.

of course people should do things separatelly, but it seems like weekends are bad time for that when there are lttle children involved.

My parents spent time together when we were kids. and even now. dad would go play tennis for few hours (mom does not do sports) but neither one of them would go to lunches or dinners with someone else on the weekend and they don't have little kids. my brother also plays tennis often but other than that weekends are spend with his wife and kids.

i don't believe in spouses spending weekend times separatelly especially with young children involved.
of course people should visit family members but most of the time together,not alone. it is just my view.

evry divorced family i know would tell you that they spent their weekends and times sepratelly. my BF was surprised that i would go grocery shopping wiht him or to the library wiht him etc. he said that he and X did their own thing. she would go volunteer, lunches with friends etc on the weekends.

well to make a story short: marriage fell apart.

Most happy families do not spend weekends separatelly doing their own thing. i guess your SM worries that he rather spends time somewhere else even if it is his DD's family than being with her. Anyways both yours and hers position is understandable. It is tough for your dad to balance.

Why shouldn't he spend time with his daughter? Just because she is grown she doesn't count anymore?

I remember my oldest (half) sister telling my dad to have me go in my room and stop bothering them when she was an adult. She wanted him to pay exclusive attention to her and my niece whenever she decided to grace him with her presence. My Dad told my sister that I lived there and had a right to be there.
It isn't just step parents who act jealous.

Thanks for all your advice. Maybe my sm did not mean it how it sounded and she was just upset.

FD, you made a good point about married people spending time together on weekends. My dh's days off are during the week and we do spend almost all of those days as a family (except my kids are in school during the day). But we will all have breakfast together and spend time afterschool together. On occasion we will have a relative come sit with the kids so we can have time with just us as well.

On occasion he may take one of those days to do his own thing and on weekends I may take a morning or early afternoon before he leaves for work to go do my own thing. Many successful marriages that I have seen are where the spouse each has some time to do things independantly or with friends. I do think that when those times end up being more than the time a person spends with their spouse and children then it is a problem. But it is just an occasional thing that helps keep our sanity! I love my dh and kids, but I need a break sometimes too:)

I think marriage is a balance. You need time as a whole family, time with just the spouses, and time away from spouse and children. OF course the most time should be spent on the first 2.

tos, of course mom2's dad should spend time with her. Of course she counts. All I was saying is that one snotty comment- made to her husband not to mom2emall and probably not intended to be passed on- isn't *necessarily* indicative of an overall attitude problem towards mom2 or dad's grown kids in general. If there's a general problem with the stepmom preventing mom2's dad from coming to visit her, I would have an entirely different response.

My concern was not about spending time with adult daughter but about picking up stepgrandchildren taking them to lunches, run errands, showing them off at work etc while 2-year-old son is at home with his mother, especially on the weekends and espcially since he does it often as OP pointed it out.

It seems that SM might feel that DH prefers spending time with stepgrandchildren instead of his son. especially if it happens often.

she might feel that her son needs more of his father, who spends time either working or taking care of children of his daughter's husband. he is 2, don't you think he needs his dad at home? DD's DH's kids already have their father.

and let's be honest 2-year-olds do need their parents more than adult children. I am close to my dad but I don't need him daily or even weekly but when i was 2 I probably did want him home with me. DD lives 8 hours flight away from me, but she sure didn't when she was 2.

Finedreams,

Like I said, taking my child or stepchildren is not taking time away from his family. My home is on the way from his home to his office. My home is near the places he needs to run errands for his business. So he is not driving even 5 min. out of his way to stop at my house.

But, I do agree he needs to make time for my brother--and he does try. But his business is what supports them all and he needs to get things done there. He was running his business this way for years. They did not plan on having a child, it just happened. She can not expect him to stop running a business and money to just fall from the sky. And she can not be mad that he takes my children with to run business errands. He does have a role as a father to me and as a grandfather to all my children too. And I am sure in about 2-3 years he will be bringing my brother to run errands as well to get extra time with him.

I understand. I was just trying to explain to TOS that i have nothing against parents visiting their older children.

Being a stepmom is hard, particularly with adult children. Trust me I know. You have to try and balance your original family as well as your new family. It's hard sharing and it's even harder when you have a busy lifestyle. You want everyone to like you, yet you want your husband to yourself also. Two edged sword.

I grapple with my husband and his oldest daughter's relationship frequently. It's challenging and it takes alot of energy to keep a balance of not allowing it to threaten me and my perception of his priorities.

The biggest mistake I made with my oldest SD was not talking to her myself and telling her how I felt. Have you tried talking to your SM and letting her know how this upset you? Maybe that will help. Since I communicated with my SD my thoughts and feelings, things have gotten much better.