I think jealousy comes from personal insecurity so I think that it can occur in any family. I think that it happens more often in step families, probably because there may be lack of communication (from perhaps people walking on eggshells and trying to avoid causing a problem, either by saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say) In an intact family, I don't think children think twice if mom & dad go out and leave them with a babysitter, especially if it's a regular thing or they've grown up doing that. Then, during divorce, because there can be so much uncertainty, it could cause the child to become insecure. It can cause the parent to overcompensate. I've noticed that kids in divorce or two home situations, talk more about their parent needing to 'spend time' with them. (I've even heard a child use the phrase "quality time" when they are probably too young to understand what that even means) Then, when thier parent begins to date, it's usually 'fun'. When they realize it's serious, then they get jealous. (which I think it is somewhat normal for a child to feel that way after going through a divorce, but it shouldn't be encouraged) The jealousy can go the other way too if the new bF/GF is insecure. (That is one thing I have a problem with when you know that the person has a child and you choose to date, if you can't handle that they have a relationship with their kids and you continue to see them. If you can't handle it, then you need to walk away, there are other fish) I can't say that I've ever been 'jealous', but it does bother me when I see my SD talk back to DH and he lets it go when if it were my child, I might not. That's more of difference in parenting styles.. some of the ways I deal with my kids drive him crazy too.

I think one of the biggest mistakes that is made is when the people in a step family begin to avoid each other. The one that said they all went to separate rooms and avoided each other, that's walking on eggshells and resolves nothing. In our home, when there's a problem, sometimes it's let go so everyone can calm down and think rationally, but it's got to be talked about and worked out. I wouldn't demand, in the middle of a conflict, that we must sit down and resolve it NOW. But, letting problems doesn't fix the problem.. it just makes it worse. It's not going to go away on it's own.

Its quite normal to have jealousy and especially at the beginning. Its usually though with young children. Adults showing jealousy at kids its just plain insecurity and they better grow up!
When i began dating my DH , i made sure i left time alone for his kids. We did things together and other times i made sure i would work the weekends they came over and see them at night. That way they had all day with their dad.
I think alone time is important. I always respected that. I was a stepchild so i know. Been there. Been in their place. But now adays, my Sd is a teen but shes reallly turned cruel. And i mean not just to us but to everyone! I was a teen with alot of anger. But i never was cruel.
I told my Dh that if she gets out of hand at her mom and she wants to ship her over what will happen? He said, : her mother raised her that way , let her deal with her! She's not gonna dump her when daughter is at her worst. whether she likes it or not! She didn't want me involved than she is going to have the full responsibility of dealing with her and her attitude now!"
My DH has alot of resentment with the fact that ex wife isolated him and would interfere with phonecalls. He feels that she wanted full control than deal with the consequences.
For me, I dont completely agree, but at the same time i understand. But as well i dont want bad behaviour being taught to my son and she proved that a few weeks now. So i 'll say no. I dont want her in my house living 24/7. ( she pushed my 2 1/2 year old son off the computer cause she wanted to be on it. ...i've now locked it with a password for the next time she is down)

Ok, I'll admit to being an adult and having... well, jealousy isn't really the right description I don't think but something vaguely related... envy, maybe?

Thing is, while love and affection may come in unlimited quantities, time and attention certainly do not. BF works nights I work days... his job involves significant overtime... so at the best of times he has limited free time and is walking around sleep deprived most of the time. Last 5 or 6 months, couple of his kids have been going through issues in their lives that he's taken a lot of time trying to help out with and help take care of his grandkids. This means we've been spending very limited time together. It's hard enough to build (or maintain) a relationship when you actually spend time together, it's exponentially harder when you don't. (which i suspect all you SMs with younger SKs understand even better than i do... how in the world did you ever manage to become SMs in the first place?!?!?)

Don't misunderstand; I both understand and agree with his priorities... he's doing right by his family and that's a good thing, but it's hard on me. So yeah, i'm envious that they're getting his time when I'm not getting enough of it. Hey, I'm only human.

Plus, and I don't think this is the kind of jealousy you're talking about, but, I'm reaching that age where last couple years I'm recognizing that I'm probably not going to have my own kids. So, yes, I'm also jealous of his relationship with his kids, but not in the sense that I'm jealous of the kids because they have good relationships with their dad; I'm jealous of my BF because he has his kids and grandkids.

i sometimes feel jealous of BF's grown kids. sometimes it bothers me when i feel this way, like feeling possessive or feeling excluded. i think it is normal to feel this way as long as it doesn't damage a relationship. but it is not easy. i never dated men with children and never knew it can be that hard especially when children are grown.

yeah, finedreams, it bothers me to feel that way too. especially since i don't think he's doing anything wrong, so well if i'm jealous or whatever (especially of his family!) i feel like i must be the one in the wrong, but rationally that's not true either. like i said i'm only human, like you said it's probably normal. but no not easy.

i usually feel bad because he apparently doesn't feel jealous of my daughter or of me spending time with her, but maybe he does just doesn't show me. or maybe because he is mainly concerned about not upsetting his children and doing everything to their liking, and I am not this type of parent, he has no reason to be jealous. i feel jealous when he accommodates them even if it interfers with my plans, i do not have problem saying "no" to DD. he never says "no" to his DDs. sometimes i do feel that I wish he never says "no" to me. lol yeap, we are only humans.

Thank you for your honest answers. It is difficult being in these relationships where there is blending of families. Quirk, I applaud you for being so honest. I lost my only child approx 8 months after getting married. My DH had 2 children from a previous marriage. I remember, not sure if it was jealousy a feeling of envy. He still had a Father's Day, he had someone calling him Dad, & I had no one to share my heart with like that. It was painful. I wasn't jealous of the kids, but felt cheated because he had them. I looked into adoption and my DH kept repeatedly saying, "you qualify, your childless" every website we came to. I really resented him at that time. We have gone on to have 3 babies(twins 1 1/2 & 7 month old). I'll be 40 in a couple months. I just wanted to let you know that you're never to old to mother. Mom's come in all ages, colors, shapes, & size. If being a Mom is something you would find fulfilling, there are many children out there that need you. Also, I was looking out the window the other day, and three woman walked by. I was feeling like I was jailed in. It's really hard to take 3 little ones anywhere. I'm now overweight, & I look terrible. Sweatpants have replace tight jeans, talks with my girlfriends replaced by Barney, & no time to use the bathroom by myself. These women were in shape, had their stuff together, & walked with their heads up. They were professional & I was envious. So envy goes both ways.

Hi Misti, And I envy you this morning in my tight jeans and nothing to spend but time to myself LOL , there is nothing better or more fulfilling, I think......It goes way too fast.....Would trade with you in a minute, to be home with 3 babies again..Home with my kid were the happiest days of my life...Dotz

Misti, my only child is grown and doesn't live at home anymore, in fact she lives very far now. not like I envy you but i wouldn't mind having young kids again. time will pass and kids will grow and you will have more free time and maybe wear tight jeans again lol, so enjoy your time with children now, it is good for kids when mom stays home for at least first few years of their lives.

aww, misti, you're sweet, thanks. I know I still have an option or two, but I just don't see being a single parent by choice (for myself-- I'm not denigrating single parents just recognizing that it ain't easy) and if it were so easy to just go out and find myself a great husband/father to my children, well, i'd probably have done it already. BF actually is a both a great guy and a great dad, but he's already raised his family... at times I'm tempted to be a little jealous that his exwife was the one he married and had a family with, isn't it too bad I didn't meet him first but then I remember that I was about 12 at the time (he is 8 years older than me and married and had his first son young) so the ridiculousness of that notion just drives it right out of my head. some things just have to make you laugh at yourself.

and yes envy goes in all directions.

You know, as I think it over I did feel jealousy during my pregnancy with my first child - DH's 2nd. There was a certain resentment that all the new, exciting things I was experiencing were old hat to him. It saddened me that we couldn't, IMO, share these firsts together. I'll never forget his response when I finally said something to him - that it WAS all new because he was sharing it with me, that this was something he had planned and anticipated rather than an 'oops' with a person he did not see himself with for life. I went from being jealous to appreciative pretty quickly and the feeling has lasted.

Dotz, I'll try & feel more appreciative of these days spent at home changing diapers, playing ring around the rosy, & eating pb&j. I know they are numbered & precious. There is nothing cuter than seeing those little squirts smile. Right now, they are trying to color the carpet but the color crayons have broken.
I've thought about you because my Dad went into heart failure. It was sudden & severe. His EF was 15%. He's young, not exactly an old man(60 in Feb). It's hard to see someone you've always seen as strong & undefeatable, being drained of life so easily.
Quirk, you'll have so many memories to make with this man. You can go on a cruise or to Italy. The world is at your feet. Take advantage of it.
JNM, your DH said this to you? That is so thoughtful & sweet. That's security there!

Hey Misti, Just read something today on the baby topic..Birth is the only miracle you re able to assist God in..I loved that!!!!!Sorry about your dad..My DH is 54, I know what you mean about feeling its so young, and he looks about 45....His EF is at 26 now, but hopefully Coreg will make it go higher...Did your dad try that? Some people have a lot of side effects, but he s been fine on it...Good luck to your dad...Prayers to you..Dotz

Dotz, He's on Coreg 6.125 twice daily. The heart failure came on so quick. Dad's arteries are clean & heart failure is caused by cardiomyopathy so I guess that comes with a poorer prognosis. Is your DH tired alot or out of breath. Here are some of Dad's meds; spironolactone, furosemide, coreg, lisinopril. Those are the heart & bp. Do they sound about right to you? I have been out of nursing now for 3 years but most are familiar to me. Dad also has a left bundle branch block due to the heart being so enlarged. Prayers to you too.

Your post about pregnancy came at a good time for me.
I'm 26, and not entirely sure that I will choose to have children. I think I probably will, but can't say for sure. I have 4 N&Ns, with another due in 6 weeks; BF has A__; I have friends with kids... And at the moment, that's more than enough kids for my life! When I am done grad school, maybe that will change, but who knows.
BF has quite a similar opinion - that right now, there are plenty of kids in his life, but he may want more down the road, he's not sure.

Anyhow, I've always sort of pictured that if I had kids, it would be with someone who also didn't have kids and sometimes I feel a little sad/envious when BF talks about when A__ learned to walk or things BF did with BM and A__ when A__ was small. I've tried to analyze what I feel, and it's mostly sad/envious that BM got to share that stuff, not sad/envious towards A__. So it was a relief to realize I was envious of his ex, not of his son!
I also try to think of what my mom once told me, when I mentioned that as the youngest, my firsts probably weren't as exciting as my oldest brother's were... Mom said that since each of us was a new baby to love, each of us were equally exciting, and she was as proud of my first steps as of my brother's.
I also sometimes remind myself, that BF didn't come onto the scene until A__ was a few months old, so if BF and I decide to have kids together, pregnancy will be new and exciting for us both. On the other hand of that though - I worry about that us having a biological child might interfere with his relationship with A__, because he wasn't a part of prenatal for A__, and I wouldn't want to cause that...
Graghh! If only life was simple...

(Just a rambling, no need to reply)

BF expressed that he wished we have met when we were younger so we could have children together. it did make me sad because i always wished i had more children, but i guess it is too late to start all over again when both of our kids are grown...sometimes i envy my Xhusband that he has a baby on the way...not too late for him. ha

It's never too late to raise kids... maybe have bio kids but there's always adoption.

i know, but i do think at some point it does get to be late, not per se to have children but raise them.. it is not enough to give birth or adopt you have to be able to raise them. i look at my dad now it would be very difficult for him now to have 20 year old child, to put him/her through school etc (if he would have a child at age 50) etc. even for mom who is younger, ti would be too hard. and then there are health issues and job issues and i find it physically difficult to take care of a young child and it certainly would be difficult for BF because he is older. as much as i want to have kids i find it difficult to start all over at this point. maybe if BF would be younger. X's new lady is 27. ha, I am obviously not.

Curiosity is killing the cat. How old are you FineDreams?

Ceph, You didnt mean you couldnt have a child at 26 because your SO has a child!!!!! Did I misunderstand, or you will deprive youeself and DH of another child because of his??????

Oh no, that's not what I mean at all... If we decide we want a child, A__ certainly wouldn't stop us, it's just that I would worry a little that our child could potentially interfere with BF's relationship with A__, particularly since A__ isn't genetically his and BF wasn't around for the pregnancy and birth, etc. Since I don't want their relationship to suffer, it would be something we'd have to keep a close eye on if we ever chose to have kids, which is still a big "IF".

Ceph, we got custody of SD a month and 8 days before our first son was born. I was very concerned that she would feel excluded due to my having a bio-kid, but she has never given any signs or voiced any issues. We have always just been family and her brothers are her brothers. I think for her to be their for both of their births made her feel closer.

For what it's worth, I think you'd make a great mom . . . you already do!

misti, I am 42. Not that old lol but I cannot have biokids anymore. BF is 50. I know we could adopt, but most people over 50 do not want to start all over again at this age. And I don't blame them. No matter how much I wanted to have more kids I am not sure if I myself have enough energy to start this jorney all over when my DD is 20. His kids are 26 and 19.

DD was beyond excited when her dad had a son. DD was 12 at that time. She finally had a sibling! It could not possibly interfer wiht her realtionship with her father! She is happy now with a new baby coming but she is not that excited because of 20 age difference. I am not sure how having more children can interfer with realtionship with odler children...I think the only time children feel jealous of new babies is that if you raise them as they are the center of the universe and everything rotates around them. Don't raise A-this way and he won't have any problem.

Ceph, You sound like a very sensitive person to consider those feelings..Very kindly of you, agree with OP you would make a good mom....

I'll be 40 this month and as far as i know i can still have biological children but the only way that's going to happen is if I either get myself to a sperm bank pronto and do the single mom thing or dump boyfriend and go on a whirlwind baby daddy hunt, which seems like a gamble at best... even if I were incredibly lucky and met the perfect guy tomorrow, it'd still be a couple years to get to know each other well enough that i'd have kids together. It's bad enough to marry the wrong person, but you can always (close your eyes TOS) get divorced (ok you can open them again); your child's other parent is their parent for life. That's just a little too important to do with someone you don't know that well and hope it all turns out. So that would make me at least 42 or 43 if i'm very lucky. (yeah, i've given this some thought) And, really same thing with adoption, either do it by myself or take the same chances of finding a husband to parent with. Just doesn't seem like a promising alternative, so I'm choosing to accept it probably won't happen and live my life accordingly. ah, well.

Misti, we should start a med!!! thread..He takes lisinopril and Coreg and others...I ve heard of the branch problem, but DH doesnt have that..Heart is enlarged and yes, he is super tired always, but a warrior, still working, altho I (and Dr) think its time to go on disability..He wants to just keep soldiering on, but its just too hard...Is your dad still able to work? Hardest of all on the ego to stop for DH....But I sure want him to enjoy what he s worked for all his life...Sigh....

Yep, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that my dads other kids get fancy decorated rooms, their own entertainment rooms in their house, that they go on european vacations. I'm jealous that they are in a home with both parents and don't feel like they are an alien. Yep, you can count me in. At the end of it all, I wouldn't want it any other way for them. I wouldn't want them to feel like I did growing up, but I'm still jealous.

My stepmom is jealous of me because I'm the symbol of my dads first marriage.

My situation is a bit different. I do not think that there is any jealousy between our family relationships but on that same note my SD has had a very confusing life. She does not see anything weird or different about me being her SM because she has a SF that has lived with her all her life.

Every once in a while she brings up that she is lucky cause she has two mommys and two daddys. I always tell her that she is so super lucky because people normally just get one of each so she must be special to get two.

She is only 6 right now so as she gets older im sure the relationships will change in some form or another but for now no jealousy at all.

I have problems with this issue. First let me give some background info. My parents were never married and I am not close to my father. For the first 8 years of my life it was just me and my mum. Then she decided to get married. Shortly after she got married she had my brother. So within a span of a year 1 went from being my mum's only focus to getting a 3rd of her attention. Actually less than a third, since alot of attention was given to a new husband and baby. To complicate things it was not a happy marriage and they faught constantly and split up countless times. They eventually divorced 5 years later. My mum was never one to have alot of botfriends but whenever she did they became like her main focus. I have just had a really difficult time with this. It's not that I'm starved for attention but when you bring a new person into a child's life it disrupts there sense of stability. For the past few years she has not had any serious boyfriends. But now she is talking about getting married to a boyfriend that I have only met once. I'm trying to be open to it but even at 20 it is hard. My mum and I have always been very close. It was not unusual for us to talk on the phone several times a day. But since she has been dating this new guy for the past few months she has been preoccupied and basically has no time for me. Sometimes I call and she doesn't get back to me for days. I would really like to have an easier time with this but I have already been through this and it was not a very good experience. I don't think she realizes that the decision that she makes will effect more than just her. I want her to be happy but not at the expense of the relationship that I have with her. A small bit of it is jealousy but I don't think I'm being unreasonable for resenting that my life is also going to change and i have no say in it. I'm tired of being there for her when she is alone. When she has a boyfriend it's like, I have someone to hang with, I don't need you anymore. I think it's unfair and selfish. She just told me that she had a boyfriend 2 weeks ago and now they're planning to get married and I'm just supposed to be fine with it. I don't know how to handle welcoming a stranger into my family.

Skeptical, your story sounds exactly like that of my 13 year old step daughter. She has gone from being priority one (and that is hyped up a LOT) to number two when there is a boyfriend, and now number three that there is a husband AND new baby. Though DH has custody this has been a HUGE issue for SD, and one that she can now put into words.

I know how hard this is on her and I'm so sorry you've experienced it as well.

My bf has a six year old daughter and I have a 20 year old daughter. I know his daughter feels like she is competing for her fathers time. I did not feel jealousy until after my bf started letting his child get away with stealing, lieing etc. I think he parents out of guilt a lot and makes excuses for her behavior. His ex is a piece of work and calls me names and talks a lot of crap to and in front of the child. Big mess and I am thinking I may get out simply because I don't want the hassle any more. I am at a point where I can go where I want and do what I want and sometimes that just means nothing. I don't want to read to his kid, help her with homework, deal with the ex, babysit because neither of them really want to be put out.