There are so many different issues that you are dealing with. First, it is not uncommon for parents to "pick" on the children that are not theirs. I don't think it's always intentional, but we tend to be more tolerable of our own children. It's something that should be discussed, acknowledged and worked on. If it is ignored to keep the peace, then the children are the ones that suffer. Eventually, there will be resentment (sounds as if that's already happening) and it won't work.

As for your HIV status, she knew and accepted it. She agreed to live with you (with her children) and it's something she shouldn't be hiding from. She has responsibility to her kids and their father has a right to know. I think it's terrible that she wants to hide it from them. They may need to be educated about HIV and it may cost her custody of her kids but that's something she needs to face up to, not hide it and keep it secret.

And it's flat out wrong for you to hurry into a relationship/marriage for immigration status. Even if that's not your first concern (and you really love her), when there are kids involved (on both sides), then you shouldn't be rushing into anything.

First, you and her should decide if you want this relationship. If she does, she should take a parenting class or learn how to handle her feelings regarding your daughter. It's very common for girls to become more possessive of their fathers and if the wife gets jealous of the daughter's relationship, they will end up in an ugly battle. The wife/GF should be the adult and help the daughter to feel secure that she isn't there to take away daddy. IF she does that, the daughter is more likely to warm up to the new wife/GF. And your GF needs to tell her exH about your status. I guarantee that if he finds out by other means, she will look worse for it.

I can't say if you should stay or go because only you know the entire situation.

Imamommy, thanks very much for the sage advice. I was going to ask her about the status thing, and tell her how i feel about keeping it a secret. She certainly will not discuss this issue with her Ex and her kids -- because of the pervasive stigma. so there lies my problem. I plan to tell her how I feel about hidding my status in a family that is supposed to be loving....I am not sure if I would be putting her on the spot if I did that. But it certainly would be nicer if i feel i don't have to hide.

I agree about your point about marriage and immigration -- i understand, and I feel bad about it. I have decided not to go ahead and marry her now (even though that is the only way i can resolve my immigration because of my health condition).

thanks for your thoughts... Less

There are a number of issues at work here...
And it sounds like you thought your 'belle' might be the solution to all your problems, and jumped in too quickly -- but now, you're seeing the flaws, and there are lots of them.

First off, the immigration solution you contemplate is illegal. Not to mention the harm it would do to your daughter. There are many kind and loving women who would accept you, your children and your HIV status. Of course, you have to be available and unattached to look for them.

Secondly, your daughter's attention-seeking is also very, very normal. What child would not want to see her father before heading off to school? And what normal child would not want frequent reassurance from the parent who clearly loves her when forced to live with an adult who clearly doesn't and constantly nit-picks.

Thirdly, your "belle's" manner of correcting the children is harsh, demeaning, degrading, and perhaps worst of all, contagious. Witness how her own children now scream back at her. Is this the type of conflict resolution or parental correction you want your children to learn? Frankly, 'belle' is not the b-word I would choose to describe this woman. You sound like a gentle man with a lovely way with words. Don't you want your children to learn how to use kind words and deeds to solve their problems? To me, this point is so, so important.

And finally, to your HIV status. You should not be forced to keep a secret like that in your own home. Living a lie, as if you were, in fact, a pariah, the way certain unenlightened elements of society may portray you... Every day you 'sneak', you validate that treatment. But at the same time, I am sensitive to the legal and practical realities of things -- Is there an HIV-support center where you could find how courts generally rule in cases like these? You don't want to cost this woman her children...

On the one hand, given what we now know of HIV and 'casual transmission' chances, I don't think it's any of the kids' father's business what your medical status is. But on the other, as a parent, if my child were living with someone with HIV, I would want to be sure he was taking all appropriate steps to keep himself safe.

Bottom line -- Lose this 'belle' and the last point becomes moot.

I agree with pretty much everything the other posters have said.
I'm mostly piping in to second (or third? or fourth?) that it's normal for your daughter to be attached to you and want to ask you lots of questions, see you before school, etc. The more connected you are with your daughter in her tweens and early teens, the more connected you will be with her later in her teens when she's more likely to rebel and engage in dangerous behavior. Foster this closeness to help prevent trouble in later years!!!

If she DID miss the bus on purpose, it could be because she hasn't had enough one-on-one time with you lately and felt the need to 'make' some. It's a little manipulative, but I can see why she might do it.

As I read your post 2 main issues concern me......

1. If your thinking about ending the relationship when the lease ends why not discuss this now with your belle? Are you past the point of working on the relationship? It is not fair to her for you to hold in all these feelings for the next year and then just end things, it actually seems kind of cold. If she is being mean to your child then address it again NOW. And definately do not use her to help your immigration status!

2. I do not agree with keeping her children in the dark about your HIV status. I know the people outside the home may not be accepting of your disease and it may not be their business to know, but people in the house should be aware. They are old enough to be taught the proper precautions to avoid exposure to HIV. I know that I would not want my children being exposed on a daily basis to this disease without knowing how to protect themselves properly. And I think their mother is being irresponsible and thinking more about herself than her children by keeping this a secret.

Thanks for all your responses. I agree it would be important for her to discuss this issue with her kids. from what I have known so far, I don't think she will want to do that because of the stigma.

Secondly, I agree I will find some way to start discussing my future plans with her NOW. I do not plan to just leave her in the cold. I will raise my concerns re my daughter -- my only fear, based on advice I have heard her give to other women in similar situations as herself, is to further withdraw. I have tried to speak with her, and the consequence is that she only speaks to my daughter when it is absolutely necessary for her to do so. But I will try. I will also tell her my feeling about disclosure, and why I feel unsettled about bringing her family into my world of HIV.

Finally, re immigration issues, yes, I know it would not be fair to her. I was very hesitant to move in at first with her. In fact earlier in the spring this year, we saw a vacant building and she tried to get me to agree to move in so we can share floors, and I vehemently opposed it, because I knew I wasn't ready. Later in the fall, I thought I could give the relationship a chance. Now that we are together, there is the pressure to go ahead and marry, and I am not ready for it still. I just know I need more time -- and the zeal to go ahead voluntarily is not there.

I am thinking of how to tell her all these without hurting her feelings, but I know, I have to.

thanks for all your thoughts...Less

If you worry too much about "hurting her feelings" then you'll never get the job done...
If she cares about you at all, then when you break up with her, it will hurt. Simple relationship math.
The only thing you can do is be kind but honest and final, and do it quickly. The old "rip off the bandaid quickly" approach versus dragging it out.

Good luck --