Sickening Step Family Situation

rielle2008

15 years ago

Hello Members! How glad I am that I've found this place. Somewhere that people, Step Parents, First Wives, Adult Step Children and all speak their minds so strongly. I have been reading here for a few weeks before joining. I hope Some of you can help me.....

My Mother's DH (SF) came into my life about 15 years ago. Our introduction was far from the ideal way to introduce your child to a new love interest. I caught them half dressed, frantically throwing on clothing in the living room one afternoon when I came home early from High School. I was 16. I was disgusted and physically ill. I knew he was married, but both her children's fathers were married men so sadly it didn't surprise me. Neither of us have the fathers name on our birth certificates.

What did shock me was when he moved in 2 days later and I was unceremoniously told that from now on he would be handing out the discipline from now on. If I didn't like "His" rules I could get out of "His" house and not bother coming back. I already had one abusive parent, I didn't need 2. I left and moved in with my 18yo boyfriend. I had nowhere else to go. I turned 17 that Weekend.

Over the next few years life went on. I got married and divorced, the made it official and got married (mother and Stepfather). As long as my contact was infrequent but enough to be "acceptable" things peaceful. I had long ago learnt to detach from them and not give them space in my head.

Then 5 years ago things went horribly wrong. My younger sister who had always been SF's golden child suddenly became afraid of him. She was 16 and had gotten her licence. He helped her buy her first car. And of course like any teenager she wanted to hang with her friends on the weekends after shoot and working after school every day. SF started to follow her everywhere after school, he followed her when she went out with her friends, he interrogated her, accused her of being a whore and his behaviour quickly became more and more irrational. At the same time he was blaming "my influence". (I lived at least 3 hours away and hadn't Seen them in 18 months).

2 weeks later she tried to lease. He exploded. In short he attacked her. Poured fuel over her car and when she tried lo stop him towing the car away to burn it he hit her with his. When the law was on its way he fled and then in his phsycotic state he drove to my home and attacked me. What did he get for his performance? A few months in a nice cushy clinic. And as for my "Mother" (using the term loosely), She took him back. She was told what this world mean. that she could not expect to have a Cosy relationship with her eldest daughter if she did.

I was ill for quite a while after the attack. I felt like I'd never be safe again. I already had issues that until then had always been highly successfully managed. Not after that. My world was torn apart. That little part in us, that little glimmer that in the worst of circumstances your mother would protect you was destroyed. I was alone as I watched her turn her back and scurry off to Step Father, My Filthy Attacker.

5 years later the complaints from "Them" are plenty. I'm not being fair. It's all water under the bridge. Why cant I let by gones be by gones?. Basically they want me to play happy step families and I WILL NOT. Hearing his voice on the phone literally makes me bolt for the bathroom and I shake like a leaf. Besides that every visitor even IM session with the big M (mother) is a litany of how mean and unfair I am making her choose. (I never said she had to choose, just dont bring Stepfather to my house ect). I'm Sorry for the absurd length of this first post ladies I but once I started it just all came out. (This is the Readers digest version).

This is the first time I have spoken of it outside of my partner, doctor and best friend. So fire away.

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Comments (7)

dotz_gw
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Rielle, So sorry for all your troubles......But why are you hearing SF s voice on the phone? Why are you IMing your mother....She can drop the dont make me choose act...She chose him not you, and she s not worthy of being your mother if she didnt choose you and your sister first..Dont listen to her complaints, you re a grown up, you dont HAVE to....I d change my number or let all calls go to voicemail, who knows if this lunatic would go after you again? I know it hurts to cut off family, but these people dont sound salvageable.....The best Dotz
newgardenelf
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think the shaking is your body/mind/souls way of saying this is BAD/TOXIC and you should listen to your body and gut and stay away!!!! One of the most liberating things about becoming adult is that you get to decide for yourself how you are going to live your life, how you will be treated, and that you can break the patterns/cycles of your family.

Good luck
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believer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I would cut off all correspondence with my mother and sf.PERIOD. No more of ANYTHING. It is sad but the truth is that you must move on as though you have no mother. I know of women that have had to do this. Change your email address, get a privite number, alert the post office that you will not receive mail from their address and if you don't have a restraining order on them both, get one. If you receive mail that you suspect is from them don't open it. Stay in counseling and morn the death of your family as you knew it. It will never be what you want it to be. Don't have anymore contact with them....why would you put yourself through this? If you can have your sister live with you then do so.....I'll pray for you sister. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. You don't have to any longer. It is your choice from now on.
stargazzer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sounds like the kind of man that will kill everyone around him when he gets tired of living. I don't understand the strong urge to be with a mother who lets this happen to her children.
sweeby
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Let me ask a very simple question --
Why would you want your mother in your life?

I know you don't want to be 'motherless' -- but I'm sorry to say, you already are.
You don't have a mother who nurtures and protects you,
who encourages you and puts your best interests above those of others.
You don't have a person to look out for you,
to guide you by example and sage advice,
to listen without judging.
She's made disasterous choice after disasterous choice,
and shows no sign of emerging enlightenment --
So what is it you'd be losing?

I'm so sorry for what you don't have in a mother.
But by 'making it official' with an openly-acknowledged estrangement, you really aren't losing anything valuable.

You've escaped and built a life for yourself.
You have a partner, a best friend and a doctor you trust.
You still have your sister.
Rely on them and build your 'family' around people who truly care about what's good for you.
ashley1979
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I completely and whole-heartedly agree with Sweeby. I say get your mother out of your life.

My X's neice was 13 when she started telling her mother that her SF was molesting her. She didn't listen. Finally, the girl told a liazon officer at her school. CPS found the claims were valid and the kids were taken and given to X's parents. Mom was ordered not to let SF back into the house once he was out of jail on bail or she would never get her kids back. Well, she did. She took the b*stard back and estranged herself from her kids forever. They ended up having to live with their father (X's brother), whom they barely knew (divorced when twins were 2; saw them MAYBE once a year until this happened), and his new wife that they barely knew. I was so heart-broken to see this happen to these great kids. The girl started doing so much better and even got a college scholorship. She never speaks to her mom. The last time she watched my son, she told me that she can't even stand the thought of speaking to her mother. She's 19 now so this has been 6 years of hell. The boy, he's just flat angry. He's lashed out at everyone, including his sister, saying that if she'd just kept her mouth shut they wouldn't be in this. And he would say why did he have to be taken away when SF never did anything to him. He DOES still talk to their mother. She gives him gifts. I believe that's the source of all his anger. If he'd cut her off, he would beon the way to getting on the right track. But his feelings for his mother and the continuous lies she pours into his head are mucking up his emotions.

When you get your mother and her lies out of your life and out of your head, you can begin to heal. You need clarity to sort things out.
catlettuce
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh my, this is so sad, but the relationship with your mother and SF is just so abusive, toxic and downright dangerous. This man is so scary sounding. I agree, cut those ties Girl, get a restraining order against both of them.

Do not engage in any conversation, emails, ims. Nothing.
Continue with your counseling and keep those you trust close. It would be good if your sister could get to safety with you. This is so, so scary. some things you cannot forgive ever. But you can break away and be free from it.

just because someone gives birth does not a mother make. You have the choice to choose your family now and surround yourself with those whom love and care about you. Stick with that, stay safe and keep posting.

(Hug)

~Cat

Sickening Step Family Situation

Comments (7)

dotz_gw

newgardenelf

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