First of all, I would like to thank all of you in advance for allowing me to post my situtation on this forum. I have read through several of the situations, but I hadn't seen from step dads. At first I was a little apprehensive, but the advice you all give is good and I need some input, so here goes.

I know this will be long, but I need you to know my story from the beginning. I met my now wife, then girlfriend, right after highschool. I was 18 and she was 17. I liked her right off the bat, but was a little turned off when she told me she had a son, 1 year old. After a few months, we started getting serious and moved in together. That lasted about 3 mos., and we both had to move back home. The entire time I grew closer to my son. I was the only male role model he had, being that his biological father was incarcerated.

My girlfriend (now wife) and I were in a serious relationship and sort of living together when the "bio-dad" was released from prison. He claimed to want a relationship with his son and both she and I agreed it would be a good thing. I gave them the space they needed for her to have him come over and spend time with his son. When I came by the next day, it seemed like all had went well. When I went into the bedroom though, I found a notepad that she was writing in where she was telling a friend how she had slept with her baby's father the night before. I was livid. She cried and told me that it was a mistake and she didn't intend for that to happen. So we worked it out.

A couple months go by and bio-dad hasn't spent anytime with his son. He sends my girlfriend letters on how they need to be a family; also he calls and leaves messages, but no contact with his son. One day, he comes by unannounced and walks right into the house. My girlfriend is at work and I was watching her son and my niece on my day off. After a little verbal confrontation where he tells me this is between him and "my lady", I reached for something to knock him out with. He runs out the house and hops in to a vehicle and speeds off. I chased him about a block before I went back to the house.

After that, I told my girlfriend that if he wanted to spend time with his son, he would have to go to her mothers home to pick him up and drop him off. He never made any arrangements.

A few years went by and my girlfriend and I had been in a rocky relationship. On then off, again and again. I decided to go out of town to try something different. I would get myself together and then send for her in a few months. I was out of town about 4 or 5 days, missing her like crazy. I call one night and guess who answer, "bio-dad", and he tells me how he's having his way with my lady at that very moment. After a few moments of total humiliation through name calling, in which I could only agree to so that he wouldn't hang up on me, he finally gave her the phone. As soon as he said here, it hung up. I immediately book a flight home, leaving out the next night. Before I left she calls me and tells me that he has raped her and that he held her against her will. Now I was ready to explode. When I got home, I called my buddies and was ready for action. But when I talked to my girlfriend, she told me that she didn't want to take action, not even going to the police. Eventually, I let it die down, but even to this day, I don't fully trust her.

After that incident, we broke up for about a year. During that time my son still had know contact with his "bio-dad", but he remembered me. When he was 5 his mother and I got back together and she moved to the state where we live now. Eventually, we had my daughter when my son was about 6. Then we got married when he was about 8.

Since the beginning, down to my daughter's birth and even now, I have always treated my son as just that, my son. His last name is different than mine, but when I introduce him to people, I never say my step-son but only my son. I've done everything with him a father could possibly do with a son. I spend alone time with him. I take him to play basketball. Give him allowance. Buy him the best when I can afford it. Talk to him about life and give him advice. All the things my dad did with me. But recently, I have begun to develop different feelings.

Now at 32, my wife and son have approached me about my son searching out his "bio-dad", to which was a complete shock to me. I felt hurt, betrayed, and angry and that they were both being ungrateful. With my wife, I was in utter disbelief. After all we had gone through, how could she even entertain the idea? At that, she told him that it was fine with her but that we had to discuss it. Later she said that she just panicked and didn't know what to say, but now, I was going to look like the bad guy. I did not want this guy to have any involvement in my family. After a few days of discussing this with my wife, I told my son that now was not the right time. That we wanted him to be a little older, at least 18 before he ventured on that road (he is now 15). He seemed like he was fine with it, but later I would come to find out he was not.

A couple of months go by and I notice that my son is having trouble with his grades. He was never a straight A student but at least a B/C student. Now he had an F in Spanish. We punished him for his grade by restricting his outings with his buddies. The school punished him by not allowing him to participate in extra curricular activities. Next thing I know, he is skipping class and not turning in assignments. When we question him about it, there is always an excuse. The last report card, he received two F's, English and Spanish.

When I talked to him about it, he said that he just messed up and had gotten down because of the first F in Spanish. He had gotten down because he wasn't able to participate in extra curricular activities due to the school policy, and he had been looking forward to a particular function since the year before. He was also down, because his band instructor lost faith in him due to his recent actions. I asked if this had anything to do with him wanting to see his "bio-dad", to which he said no. He then said he was a little mad at first but that he had gotten over it and that the problems he is having had to do with his band situation.

I'm not so sure. I wonder if it is in fact an underlying problem with him that he needs to see his bio-dad. I wonder if seeing bio-dad will make things better or worse. And now my feelings have changed. I now feel that I am no longer dad, I'm now step-dad. I feel like my being dad wasn't good enough and that is why he is searching out someone else. I feel like a basketball player who gets to play in games the whole year, but now since the star player is off of injured reserve, the coach is putting me back on the bench, even after I have contributed so much.

So my questions are:

- Will helping my son find his father be a good thing for him at this point in his life?

- How can I cope with the feelings that still boil in me when this man is even mentioned?

- Can I trust my wife around this man, or will history repeat itself?

- Am I wrong for not feeling like my son's dad since he mentioned finding his bio-dad?

I know this was long, but as a man, I tend to keep everything bottled up and have never told anyone my story in its entirety. You all will be the first. I hope to read helpful responses from you all.

Thanks,

abezee22