is marrying someone with a child too tough?
karenb2003
21 years ago
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stacey446
21 years agolast modified: 9 years agokarenb2003
21 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Involved with a man who is engaged to be married
Comments (53)the silence is deafening. one serious issue is that while nc may not be responsible for man's promise to fiance, there is the potential issue of aids. this changes everything for me. someone's life could be at risk. of course the fiance needs to be told. when nurses are having unprotected sex, and they know all the dangers, it makes me wonder just how careful are most people? there's no way around the truth, even though it's inconvenient and ugly. you are treated by the world in the way you allow yourself to be treated. you must respect yourself and honor yourself. if you manipulate and lie and get "away" with it, as in, the unexpected pg wins you the man, guess what? you're not winning any prize. I wish this weren't true. But I would lay money on it. Be careful where you point your feet, because that's where you're gonna end up....See MoreNot married a year, a lot of issues already
Comments (36)Wow, I just read all the posts. Thought I'd add my comments to motivatedmother. I'm also pregnant at the moment, so I totally understand the hormonal thing, the size thing, work, all of it. Difference between us is that I'm a little older and married to the most wonderful man. That said I'm sure I'm about to make someone angry but here goes...... Actually I thought Asolo's comments were not mean but helpful and to the point. It may not be something you want to hear at the moment which is another thing. This is a bad situation you're in. I'm sorry, but if you are living at home at this age, and with 3, almost 4 children, your parents are indeed supporting you. You should be grateful for that and acknowledge them for it. They don't have to do it but they do because they love you and your children. If you wanted a marriage like your parents, it was possible, but you chose the wrong person. Actions speak louder than words and you should have chosen someone who is actually in the process doing things to achieve the life you want to live, like an education, greater job responsibility, and so on. Any adult man who plays video games is a HUGE clue on his emotional and mental maturity. Adult men who are emotionally and mentally mature spend their time with their families or doing things that will otherwise benefit the family. They are committed to their family FIRST. I don't mean to say they don't have hobbies or interests of their own because of course everyone does, however, video games as an adult man's "hobby" would be alarming to me. Video games cost a lot of money and take up a lot of time, time away from family. They are a great way for adults to avoid spending time with others, isolate yourself, or to zone out of/avoid reality. I think your husband spends his money on HIS wants (vs needs) because he's immature, another HUGE problem. He is not focused on you or the baby, or the other three children you have. He's focused on himself. This would be very alarming to me. Your parents are in an awful position and I feel for them. They obviously love you and your children and want to help you. From your husband's perspective, they are great because they support him and this relieves him of responsibilty towards you and even himself. It allows him to continue to be immature. There's no incentive to change. If he really wanted to grow up, he'd take this golden opportunity to get some skills which he could evenutally use to better his life, your life and that of your children. A mature man would be looking for ways to build a better life for himself, you and your children, whatever way he could, even getting another part time job if that's all that is available. As wonderful as I'm sure your children are, I hope you will not have any more until you are capable of providing for them yourself so they will have the best chance at a better future. You owe them that. That means more than just food and shelter. Are you saving for their future education for example? Are you saving for your own home? Your parents provided a home for you, and you should provide a home for them. Even if you continue to live at home for the rest of your life, and you work and save for them, you have chosen a difficult path. You are now responsible for 4 lives in addition to your own. It doesn't sound like you will ever have much support from their fathers. You have created a difficult life for yourself, not impossible, but much more difficult than it needed to be. Whatever the past was, you have to make today the best it can be so just do it. I think what you are asking here is how you might change your husband to be the man you want him to be. Well, unfortunately that's just not possible. You can only control yourself. You have no control over him. You can suggest, ask, beg, plead, cry, explain, reason, force, threaten, manipulate, or whatever else you want but you will never be able to change him, only he can do that. That's why we must be especially careful in who we choose to marry and have children with. We can't let emotions rule our head. Teach your children this so you won't have 4 children with their husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends, plus all their children looking to you to provide for them. That's a lot of people. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Words are easy to say, but actions actually require hard work and lots of effort. Don't listen to what he says, look a what he does. If they are different what he is doing is who he really is. That will tell you what kind of a person he is and what kind of life you will have. I truly wish you the best in your pregnancy and with the coming baby. I hope you will work all this out, however it ends, and that you are able to improve the situation for yourself, your children, and your parents. Yes, I include your parents in that because since you live with them which makes them part of your immediate family life. You already know everything you need to do, the answer is in your heart....See MoreNeed advice - son marrying girl w/ divorced & remarried parents
Comments (29)Vala, I'm not sure what you mean by "just invite them" -- to the wedding itself, or to everything we plan? It's not really for me to invite her parents to the wedding; actually, I don't know who will be the "official" hosts for the wedding itself. We (the couple and all the parents) are all contributing to the costs, and we're all (maybe not so much her dad, at least not so far) participating in the planning, too. I don't know (or especially care) how the invitations read. We aren't planning on paying for anyone's hotel rooms, although everyone will be staying at the same hotel, where the reception will be. As for meals, other than Friday and Saturday nights (and the wedding on Sunday), we'll have bagels and coffee available in the hospitality area at the hotel at breakfast times, but not a "real" meal, except for more substantial food, but still drop-in buffet style in the hospitality area, for brunch on Monday. I feel very confident that that will work out fine, because at the sister's wedding last week, everyone stayed at the hotel, which had a breakfast buffet in the lobby, and everyone hung out there without any problem. In fact, they crossed paths often and were gracious to each other. So really, only Friday and Saturday nights are at issue, and after last week, I really am feeling confident about that, too. I think we are going to get through the wedding weekend just fine and, I hope, feel close with both her parents and their families. We got a really good start last week. I am grateful for the insight and advice you all are giving me. I have another question for AFTER the wedding, but I'll start another string!...See MoreAdult stepchildren, my spouse and our young child
Comments (6)Agree with the other posts. Why the he// do you stay with someone who, according to you, is wonderful, loving and generous with everyone else including his (not related to him) friends and employees, and treats you and your child like carp? And who expects you to pay for pretty well everything as well as doing all the housework? You're not only a skivvy, but a skivvy who supports this ingrate and enables him to be Mr Generosity to everyone else. I'd be moving back to my place and cutting all ties with this creep. You say you want your children to have a father, but this guy surely cannot possibly be the father you wanted for them, one who gives them the example that Mom is the household slave and who ignores them (forgetting to pick up one from day care???) in favour of others. You may not get child support but then it won't be an unfamiliar situation- you're not getting it now. This guy isn't a husband and father, he's a millstone. Time to slip your neck out of the hole, breathe free and have the chance to find someone who appreciates you, if that's what you want....See Morestacey446
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