Involved with a man who is engaged to be married
nurse_christine
17 years ago
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Comments (53)
emmhip
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agocarla35
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Stay friends with Engaged Man or Not?
Comments (18)Thanks so much for your candid responses. It is hard to hear the truth, but I really did need to hear it. To answer some of your questions, I wasn't reading into something that wasn't there. When we first met, he made every effort to spend time with me outside of the conference; hiking, going to the pool, hanging out. He would buy me drinks, etc. No, we never kissed and thank god for that. Also, when I told him we should stop communicating, I meant it. And it was he who wrote me months later which started us talking again. There were times even after we started emailing each other again where I would not write for weeks, and again, he would write me to ask me how I am, etc. At the second conference, there were times where strangers mistook us for a couple and he never corrected them, it was me who's like we're just friends. Anyway, we do have to have a professional relationship though, so unfortunately total non-communication is not possible. We will see each other at conferences, know the same people, etc. I do not want to think of him as a con man or a predator although he did misled me on purpose. Maybe I'm too forgiving but I'd rather not get angry....See MoreMarried a great man, but terrible stepdad
Comments (41)"Their BF was no more than a caregiver for them while I finished my degrees. After that I felt that he could not do enough for us,so I divorced him and told him to move on. It took him a while to get over it, and he turned from a nice gullible man to a crazy nut. " You know i was going to defend you for your household but after reading more carefully i fully understand now why people are so pist off at you. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS LINE I JUST READ. So you basically used this man, your ex, while you finished your degrees and then tossed him! WOW> You are a lowlife troll. I dont care if you pregnant. GOOD for you to marry a rich person. BUt HECK, for a moral perspective, your a leach. Hope your current husband made you sign a prenup to prevent you from dumping him and taking half his business. Yes, you provide for your kids. But they will hate you when they get older when they truly realize why you left their BF. ANd yes, they will have low self esteem while their stepfather caudles their new brother. So he didn't give any money to your kids. He still was a stayat home father while your got your degrees. You would be nothing right now, with no degrees if it weren't for him! If you didn't think your ex was worth anything then why did you have kids in the first place with him.? Why didn't you just use birth control , get on with your studies, and get married to a rich person in the first place????? oh and degrees mean nothing. I have a friend who dropped out in high school..he's a billionaire! and he still hates school...lol... You said it, your ex turned from a gullable man to a crazy nut. YOU USED A GULLABLE PERSON TO MEET YOUR ENDS , TOSSED HIM AND MADE HIM CRAZY. Who's the bad person here???? Take a good look at yourself! you know what? dont cry wolf. you made your bed, now ly in it! Don't complain that your new husband is a terrible stepparent. He is not terrible. You are a terrible person for dumping your ex the way you did and now you are complaining your rich husband doesn't look at your other kids the same way? WHY SHOULD HE?...See MoreBeing coy about engagement? LONG
Comments (28)Update... I had a long talk with BF last night. It was a very difficult conversation in which he agreed with tears in his eyes that I was right and he was sorry that he didn't have money to buy me a ring as soon as he'd said he would. I told him that I was frustrated that we moved in together under one circumstance (getting engaged with a ring in February, which is what he had said) and because of unexpected increases in his bills and financial problems, and my own somewhat cold feet about potentially becoming a SM, things have been delayed and delayed. Although I am able to adapt to changing circumstances this is (a) embarrassing me in front of my friends and family and (b) making me feel like a hypocrite. As far as his side, he told me June, then September, then Christmas... I keep oscillating between hope and dread, and then thinking, fine, I don't want the stupid ring anyway, just forget the whole thing. So what if we get engaged? Because I am not marrying him with 5-figure debt anyway, and it will take him 2-3 years to get out of it, so we might as well just work on our conflict resolution skills and stick this out together. His finances are being reviewed by his new financial planner who is going to make a suggestion to him on a couple of different ways he could go as far as a combination of debt snowballing, debt reduction and debt consolidation this coming Friday afternoon. I looked at his monthly budget with him last night and I have to admit that even I was shocked. There are too many minimum payments per biweekly pay period that are just too high to squeeze all in - I honestly don't know how he has been making it, and we live together!! I am surprised he never tried to borrow money from me - but glad too that he is working it out on his own. Although I did consider moving out as something of a "motivational tool" for him to clean up his financial act, and showing him that I deserve better, I felt at the end that it would just make me materialistic and selfish. He already knows that I am at the end of my rope!! He offered to move out and continue paying rent and bills to the end of our lease, but in my heart that really wasn't what I wanted. I just want him to be honest and not overly-optimistic about his situation. He is in a bad place - some of it is his own fault, but not all. We do not have joint debt, we do not have children together, and I am getting done the things I need to do. It is not going to hurt me to stick by his side when in 90% of our relationship area he is doing great. Also, at the end of the day, he has been doing everything I have asked him to do, i.e. involve a professional or team of professionals because it is clearly beyond his realm. After much discussion, I decided that we should continue to live together, and work on getting mostly out from underneath our debt over the next year, and not discuss marriage or getting engaged again until that time. I just don't see it happening. By next year at this time I will be out of debt myself, other than student debt, and will begin saving for a house. If there has not been significant progress in his financial picture (his money management style as much as anything else) I told him that it will really be a dealbreaker for me. He was not thrilled with that but agreed. I know that he has been very humbled and embarrassed by all this, and frankly he put up with a lot of humiliation that a lot of guys wouldn't have. I said a lot of things I wanted to say, but I also said a couple of things that I should not have said, and I regret that - namely rubbing it in that he did everything for his first wife to have a big diamond and be a SAHM, and all I get is the debris that's left. He should have told me that was a cheap shot, and challenged me whether deep down I wanted to really set a date with or without a ring, but he just said he was sorry and that he understood whatever way I went. He has proposed to me 100 times, and still somehow I don't feel like it is settled. Summary: I'm either a victim, or I make a decision based on how it feels to live in my skin every day. So I made a decision. I didn't get much sleep last night....See Moremarried, and having an affair with a married man
Comments (16)Hi, Charity. If your heart is cold for your husband, I disagree that your marriage is intact. You may still be married, but it's not what marriage is supposed to be. Of course, swinging isn't supposed to be a part of marriage, either, if you believe in the traditional marriage vows (forsaking all others), but I realize that you don't. For me, and I realize not for you, living with someone for whom I have a cold heart just isn't a good, fulfilling life. You and he are getting your sexual kicks otherwise, but if you're getting your emotional needs met outside of the marriage, why don't you just divorce? What in the world is the benefit to anyone of staying married? NOT trying to demean or start an argument. It's just that your way of living and values are apparently so opposite of mine that I'm intrigued. I get my sexual kicks and my emotional and companion needs met by my husband and realize that I am very, very fortunate....See Morepopi_gw
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