I can't explain why he is acting that way. Wanting you to tell others about the affair is very odd. Maybe it gives him a thrill to know that others know your "secret. If he claims that he fears losing his kids, it would not make any sense to want her to find out. Maybe he just doesn't really want to leave her; maybe he wants her to find out so he has an excuse to break off with you. Maybe his attraction to you is more about the secret and the thrill of the affair instead of wanting a true partner. Maybe he just doesn't have much integrity.

But, let me ask you this: Why have you stayed married these 5 years?

You are wondering why he hasn't left his spouse. I am wondering the same about you.

Thanks for writing back. We have been content until recent circumstances has moved us to different states, and now emotions are rolling from both sides. We have talked for hours on how to move forward with our situation, but always comes up its so complicated. maybe its just over and we need to deal. But we've both talked about where we want to end up, together in the end.. even if it is 5 more years from now. We've talked about if we thought it was just lust, infatuation, honeymoon phase.. sure maybe the first year.... but for 5 yrs now.. it has been so much more. it does make me question my answer to your question.. and I think we are just waiting for the other to make the first step to separate.. which makes me think why we have gotten so lax on keeping our secret, a secret.

It's really not complicated, it is just a matter of how you and he are prioritizing your commitments and obligations to the other people (including the children) in your lives -- and to each other! It is as simple as the choices you make. Neither of you have been willing to be honest with your spouses, he hasn't been willing to be the best parent he can be (someone who is emotionally divorced and dishonest with his should-be partner simply isn't going to be the best parent, and the kids will be sensing and feeling this, even if not able to know exactly what is going on), but you both also haven't been willing to leave the "sure thing" for the affair.

I have a hard time imagining that either of you have really put in the time and work to build a real-life, goals- of- life partnership -- maybe you have, IDK. So where do you want to end up? How is each of you going to help the other get there, beyond the sex and emotional candy? How is your life going to look when you are 65?

Just an update. I've sat down with my husband and told him that I wasn't happy in our relationship, and explained how I'm feeling. I feel really relieved and looking forward to see what happens. I know, that this is just the first step. thanks for your support.

Good luck, Charity. To you and all involved. Did you tell him about your affair or are you hoping that the marriage can be resurrected?

That's great, Charity. Being honest in the end is so much easier.

I haven't told him about the affair... I just wanted to start with our relationship and go from there, keeping the kids' best interest #1. At this point I do not want to mend my marriage, and its certainly NOT healthy for my kids to see us fighting all the time.

Charity- any updates?

Both you guys are playing with matches next to a 5 gallon can of gasoline. How would you like your husband dipping his dingy into someone else's pond. And then there's kids involved. My advice is if you're staying together because of the kids, it's the wrong thing to do. Kids like to see parents happy, if mommy's happy on one side of town and dad's happy on the other then they're happy. Karma is a (B) this little game you're playing with your spouses will come back and hit you like a freight train.

I wouldn't be surprised if they already know what's going on. Watch the Harrison Ford movie ( Random Hearts)

Hi, Charity. If your heart is cold for your husband, I disagree that your marriage is intact. You may still be married, but it's not what marriage is supposed to be. Of course, swinging isn't supposed to be a part of marriage, either, if you believe in the traditional marriage vows (forsaking all others), but I realize that you don't.

For me, and I realize not for you, living with someone for whom I have a cold heart just isn't a good, fulfilling life. You and he are getting your sexual kicks otherwise, but if you're getting your emotional needs met outside of the marriage, why don't you just divorce? What in the world is the benefit to anyone of staying married?

NOT trying to demean or start an argument. It's just that your way of living and values are apparently so opposite of mine that I'm intrigued. I get my sexual kicks and my emotional and companion needs met by my husband and realize that I am very, very fortunate.

I am in total agreement with Suzie. What you have is not a marriage, and I too wonder why are you still with your partner. You aren't happy with your "marriage" or your life as it is, nor are you thinking of the kids. You are only thinking of yourself. So why not just be done with it? If you and your husband are swingers, why not be honest and tell him about the affair? You both have committed adultery so why not just tell him about your fella. Seems to me it wouldn't matter to your husband. I'm not understanding.

Get out of infidelity now. Not good for you, not good for the other partners.