You sound like you lived my wife's life with her late husband. She still has nightmares from her time with him. Nobody should be made to live a life with the threat of violence from the very person that is supposed to protect them. He is supposed to cherish her as Christ cherishes the church. When that happens, a woman will, or should be happy to live as God intended her to as described in Proverbs 31 . This is what my wife yearns to become, but she is still on guard because of her past. I understand that.

What are you asking? It is good that you survived such a long and unhappy 50 years. Sounds like you are now free to live and own your life.

Hey Larry......but what happens if she doesn't believe in God and thinks the Bible is simply a story book? I think you shouldn't be posting religiousity on this board! Maybe if this was a perfect world that would be fine.....but......it ain't.

Oops...what should you have done? Fifty years ago there were not many choices for women...I had a sister in your situation...and women did not fare well at all. That you survived (as my sister did not) is a testimony to your resilience and strength. You need to continue to be the wonderful person that rose above all that unhappiness; and become the person you were meant to be. You have a second chance, now, to blossom without the unhappiness and fear holding you back.

What Larry said about God doesn't change his message if the woman doesn't believe in God. No woman should have to live like that. Regardless of whether she believes in God or not. Surely you could figure that out from his reply.

To the OP, are you really trying to evaluate now what you should've done so many years ago? Why? Are you feeling guilty or of a lesser quality because of the choice you made? If so, perhaps you could speak with a professional who can help you with that. If that's not what you're doing by asking this question and pondering, what is the reason?

He's gone - please try to not dwell on what got you into the situation but rather what you're going to do with the rest of your life now that he's gone.

justlinda I am not a very religious person but I believe everyone should be good, not out of fear of what some God is going to do to you, but simply because what your conscience tells you and what you feel is right. Larry's religious post doesn't bother me. And I do feel for his wife. It's good she is with someone else now.

nanny98 OMG, What happened to your sister? I did somehow survive it all but I feel I ruined my life. I am now 68 years old and I feel I just don't have the strength to do what I would like. I do sell at craft fairs but it takes all the strength I can muster. It is something I have always loved, especially socializing with everyone, customer or not.

Wow, I just can't imagine living with a violent man for 50 years. I'm 59 years old and never, ever would have married such a man when I was 18 nor would I have ever stayed with him if I had married out of fear or ignorance. I'd like to sympathize with you but I'll admit that I just don't get why anyone would willing suffer such torment and abuse for the majority of your life. I sincerely hope any woman today would NEVER allow for such a thing to happen in her life. I hope, in short, your generation of women putting up with the S**t is over. Can you try to move, get new friends, reclaim your life at this point?? There's a whole world of freedom and joy out there if you can embrace it.

One of our GW member Satine shared this: Don't stumble on what is behind you.

Hi everyone, I'm simply very frustrated at this point and another thing that really bothers me is that my daughter idolizes him. She seems to think he's the greatest thing "since sliced bread", if you know what I mean. She lived with us through all this (however, she didn't see everything) but she doesn't seem to take the abuse seriously and she did see A LOT.

Hi Cassandra, Okay, I really don't think I want to tackle moving, as I live in a nice, big old house that is paid for. I also have a rental house, also paid for (that we lived in when we were first married) that is only 8 miles from here. I really can't imagine selling them both and picking up everything and moving. And, about friends, I do have a few good friends, but one of them is extremely disabled. I'm not sure about making NEW friends, as I'm pretty happy with the ones I have, although not many.

The fact that you have written about it is proof that you are stronger than you think. The advice to move forward and don't look back is good. You did what you had to do at the time. Your husband was violent; you had a child and family whom you were responsible for.

You know everyone has made choices that we regret in hindsight or not, but in life there are some choices that while not ideal were the best for the time and circumstances. You are alive and have a lifetime ahead of you. Your daughter is an adult. Let her live with her rose colored version of real life. As far as friends, you don't need allies now. Maybe they should have not been so blind, but what is done is done. Look to the future and grasp your gift of life.

Unfortunately, your daughter may think that her dad's behavior is normal, due to the fact that she witnessed it as long as she did. Otherwise, I can't imagine why she would be idolizing him.

Is she married? If so, what sort of man (or woman) is she married to?

OhMyGosh....you have paid your dues!!!!! You have security (homes etc.) income (SS) and freedom! Get yourself to the Senior Center....volunteer there, you are young! Take classes, meet NEW friends. YOU are a survivor so try to stop looking back and look forward. You can allow your DD to believe whatever she wants to.....you will never convince her or the folks who admired him to accept your point of view....just let it rest. Seems like THAT may be what is holding you back. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"....The next step is the first step of the new journey you will take. Be brave!

If you aren't willing or able to make a change of scene by moving, getting new friends, etc. you will have to find a way to move forward and put the past behind you. That's the advice you are getting here--and it is excellent advice. How do you plan to do it?

What should you have done is not the question. That is what you did. Done. History. What are you going to do tomorrow? Next week? For the rest of your life? THAT is the question.

Hi Junebug1961, My daughter is divorced after 5 years of marriage. The man (if you can call him that) she was married to is, for lack of a better description, a "lazy bum". To give you a few examples, he said my vacuum cleaner was too heavy for him, even though I used it weekly. They were hosting a Tupperware Party at my house and were going to clean it for me. At the time, I had a cat litter box in the downstairs tub, since I don't use the tub, anyway. He was actually going to flush all of the kicked out cat litter down the drain. I told him he couldn't do that as it would clog the drain. His response was, "You don't use this tub, anyhow!" to which I said, "That doesn't mean I want to ruin it!"

They have an autistic son, who is now 14. He hasn't seen the boy in years, perhaps 8. He neglects his child support payments and constantly tries to make them lower (they are only $100.00 a week). She wouldn't have enough to live on if I didn't give them an apartment above my garage. And I pay for their electric and heat, which I can ill afford.

So that's the story about my ex-son-in-law!

I think, you need to read rhizo's post again. She made perfect sense!

:)

Moni

I think you already know what you should have done, but it's 50 years too late for that. What you should do now, is make new friends.......move away if necessary, so you don't have to listen to how wonderful he was. You're only 68. Enjoy the rest of your years on this earth. You deserve it.

msgenie, I am glad you are free from your hubs.

My point was that perhaps dear daughter idealized her dad because she didn't know any better...and based on her choice of a husband, it seems that I may be correct. She doesn't understand that there might be "nice" men out there, so she thinks losers are the norm.

Good advice from Rhizo. Justlinda, don't get your panties in a wad. No one but you seemed to object.

The past is the past and what you could have or should have done is a moot point now. What you can do now is go for counselling. You need to speak with someone about everything you went through and how to move forward with your life now.

By the way, I should have added to my last post that one thing I COULDN'T say about my husband is that he was lazy. He was never lazy, so I have no idea how my daughter chose her husband.

Hi rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7

I am following OklaMoni's advice and reading your post again, BTW, I am also in Zone 7--I joined GardenWeb to get information on my tomatoes. I don't know if you're into tomatoes, but I looked for information on BER. Now I understand why I only had a problem with a potted plant. Now all my plants go in the ground! No more problems!

I tried moving ahead by dating someone, but that didn't work out at all. He was a "friend" of my husband's and I had asked him for some help changing the oil and doing a tune-up on a stand-by generator I have. I thought I should repay him in some way and I had gift certificates and told him I would take him out to dinner for his troubles. We had gone to high school together and my husband knew him for many years, although I only met him through my husband and didn't know him from school. Now I know why I never knew him! He obviously hung out with the WRONG crowd (I asked him about the people he knew from school), people I didn't know at all but heard many bad things about. When we got home, I asked him in for coffee. He immediately got "fresh" with me. I put a stop to it right away, but I was in shock because he was supposed to be a "friend" to my husband. I just couldn't believe how badly he misbehaved. I guess you can judge people by the company they keep!

I felt I would never hear from him again, but he called again that week and asked me out to dinner. Well, I thought I was safe because I told him the last time that all I wanted from a relationship was friendship, someone to talk to. So I figured he knew where I stood and it was okay. Well, NO, it wasn't okay. He attempted the same nonsense again, I stopped him immediately again, and he called again but I never answered the phone. He had left a message that he had a buyer for an old car I had for sale, but I didn't care. I rather lose the sale than put up with him. And the "old car thing" could have just been a ruse because he knew I was angry with him.

I would like to find someone my own age and that remembers the same things to talk to, but so far, it isn't happening.

FYI - now what if I said I don't wear panties - actually I do - but guess that would lead off in a totally different direction, eh? Also, I wasn't objecting so much as thinking this Larry really didn't have to bring religion into this conversation. That I really object to.....no my panties aren't in a wad, and I'm really not the devil. I really dislike (despise actually) anybody proselytizing or pontificating.

Just an idea, maybe a lousy one - Perhaps you could volunteer at a women's shelter to help other women leave similar situations?

msgenie Did I miss it, or did you not say, how long ago the husband died? Mine did not die. I divorced mine. About 36 years to late... but late is always better than never.

I divorced in 2011.

The years since my divorce were very eye opening for me.

I found out, I love being by myself. No one but me to make happy.

Please, give yourself time.

Moni

Edited some content out... that was meant just for msgenie

justlinda, if it were a perfect world, msgenie51642 would not have posted at all., Also if including tidbits of OUR situation does have your panties in a wad, then perhaps you should reassess your own pontificating. As for proselytizing, well let me just say this. I don't care what your beliefs are or what you choose to or not to revere as important and I don' give a flying fig what you detest. Just pass on by off into the sunset if you don't like my expressing what works in our own life and are willing to share. Besides my reply was directed to msgenie51642.

Hi Moni,

No, you didn't miss it. My husband passed away on July 8, 2015, a little more than 7 months ago. Yes, I do like being by myself, but I have the "bad" habit of talking a LOT! And it's a little difficult when there is no one to talk to. I also feel I live in a reasonably safe neighborhood, so being alone is not a problem.

Nothing wrong with talking to yourself! I am the best person I have around... and I do it too. But I also have some pretty terrific friends, that I can call on, anytime of day... and for night calls, I got my sisters, living overseas, and with the different time zones, it makes it perfect for late evening, early morning, and even in the middle of night skype calls. Give yourself time to be on your own. REALLY on your own. If another man is supposed to happen, then it will. Otherwise, it will be good, if you can find out, if you can be on your own!

Moni

It sounds to me that you're saying on here what you can't say to anyone else. I understand the need to let it out. I also understand he was a chameleon. He was a great friend, a good father and a SOB for a husband. You can't change who he was to others, and they can't change who he was to you. You do need a shoulder to cry on but have no one because of the situation. You were alone with the pain during the marriage. And because you kept quiet you are alone with it still even though he is gone. Get professional help. You'll be surprised at what that will do to help you rebuild yourself. Hugs

larry, there are many people who follow a religion that doesn't involve Jesus and many others who follow no religion at all. I don't think justlinda was putting you down but rather simply suggesting that your church talk should be restricted to when you're in church and with people you can expect share your beliefs. I'm in the second group mentioned and frankly I resent it and get very annoyed when someone feels the need to stick their personal religious beliefs (of any kind) in my face.

You don't want to hear why I think your beliefs are misplaced and I don't want to hear why you think they're not. We can happily coexist with common and mutual courtesy.

Hi OklaMoni

Thank you for the encouragement! I used to have a friend that I could talk to at any hour (practically). She was a laboratory technician in a hospital and worked crazy hours (usually getting home around midnight) and since I am a night owl, that was great! However, she had a very bad stroke and is not in good shape. She can barely walk or talk.

My husband didn't stay up late either (he wasn't good company, anyway, and he got up early for work). I think he contributed to me being a night owl, because that's the time I was alone without worrying about him blowing up any minute.

It's the one good thing I can say about him, he always worked. However, he had no understanding about money and if I hadn't taken care of the finances, we would be living in the street instead of owning two houses on Long Island. That, in itself, is quite a feat!

I took care of my mother for the last 4 years of her life. I think my husband allowed it, as he knew she would leave me everything since I am an only child. When she passed, I paid off my house and bought us both new cars--less to worry about. When you're older, cars and houses are big concerns. I was really worried about the house, because I knew I would have a difficult time paying the mortgage if something happened to him, as he had been having health problems (cancer) for a long time.

So I think I've bored you long enough! See, I told you I like to talk, whether it be on the computer or in person!

If you have a community college nearby you could look into taking a class that you would enjoy. A lot of community colleges have reduced tuition for senior citizens.

I agree with what others have said...fill your life with fun things. Live it up! College or pottery classes, Yoga classes....gyms have senior exercise classes.....adopt a couple of dogs and take long walks....and talk to them. You'll meet people along the way that share your interests.

Larry's post does not bother me either. On these forums it is expected that posters are merely stating opinions to which they are entitled and, as long as they are not snide and hurtful remarks, sharp personal comments in reply are unwarranted.

I can't imagine how Larry's post could bother anyone. There was no preaching or pushiness involved on his end. It was a very simple, kind, heartfelt post. Now, if someone can't even mention God or Jesus, there is something seriously wrong with our society. If people are not allowed to say what they think or feel about anything because someone else might not agree or share their sentiment, then this would be one big, blank, empty board. And one big empty world of silence, devoid of any meaning at all.

Msgenie, I'm glad you can finally relax in your own home. Your husband was a typical batterer and I can only hope your daughter will realize that, as she seems to be following in your footsteps. Have you ever considered a little counseling? You've learned to live your life a certain way out of survival, but a therapist may have some eye-opening ideas for you...I imagine you're on a fixed income but there are often more affordable options, if you do a little research.

Also, have you had a proper physical? It's natural to feel fatigued for a bit after a death, but it's been awhile.... I don't think you should feel so tired.

I hope you can sense a new leaf has been turned and that you have a chance to start anew. I also hope Ol Joyful will chime in as he has wise and practical words, with much empathy thrown in. Enjoy your new life!

you've gotten some really good advice...but come back again, and again....remember? instead have a good day? MAKE it a good day...

I rarely see anyone aside from dh daily (he's retired now) so I visit with cyber friends, been know to converse with clerks in the store, ect...lol...

as for your dd? let her have her fantasy...often it's easier for a child to "make a dream dad" than accept reality...do you have grand kids? see you back soon!

Just talking from experience. My father was the pain. Pain then and a pain dead. But! Now that you can finally say something or do something, its too late to fix the past. It's not to late to do something good for yourself though. You have gotten some great advice and I would like to suggest a notebook. You can put all the great advice your getting into it. Take pages to put down your thoughts. Be able to close a few bad chapters of your life in those pages. I took so many years trying to figure out who I was and what should I do, that sometimes I felt blind to knowing HOW to live. Your just beginning to try out new waters. You know in your head that there is something better for you. How to take the bull by the horns? ONE step at a time. Learn to laugh and share and do things you enjoy. Do things for others often. Start using the advice you've been given and try not to be angry with those who weren't in your shoes. Be grateful they weren't in them. Forgive yourself and move forward is the best thing.

What you've lived through is a testament to your endurance and look to yourself to realize that you are a survivor, I give you so much credit for enduring without breaking down completely. Look at yourself as a person who did the best they could and try not to be bitter about people who still admire him. They liked what they knew and he was clever at fooling them. No sense trying to explain now, they wouldn't understand. I agree a therapist may help as most are the voice of reason and can listen and advise. Being able to speak openly will help you towards a more settled feeling. I wish you all the best in your future. You deserve every good thing.

I really do not see how this thread will be helpful to you. It SCREAMS awful from start to finish. You married KNOWING he was abusive. Because you were SCARED NOT TO...you had a child with him. You did not call the cops EVER?? Sorry but this is the worst nightmare one can imagine for their daughter. Frankly if any of it is true--who does this? 50 years??!! ish

Arcy, your condemnation is ignorant. Fear is the universal emotion of battered women. So are helplessness and hopelessness.

I have volunteered in women's shelters.....msgenie's situation, sadly, is typical.

when you have nothing good to say, say nothing.

Get some counseling, think about moving but not too far and stop enabling your daughter. Be honest and she needs to stand on her feet. Day by day will help.

I think it would be helpful to understand post traumatic stress disorder. It's not something that just happens to soldiers, but all kinds of people who have been abused. It doesn't just stop when you are free of the abuser. You must now learn to be your own best friend and take care of yourself as you would a child.

I second what mizscarlett said. PTSD or even TSD is a very real thing that happens to many people, not just soldiers.

Arcy- I understand why you wrote what you did, it is the common stance of the general public to abused and battered persons; I used to feel much the same. BUT....unless you have lived through it yourself and had the same crushing emotions, guilt, worthlessness and self loathing that these people have experienced from years of emotional abuse, you really are in no place to judge.

It is easy to view as an outsider and say, "you should have just left", it is FAR more difficult to do when you've been, slowly over time, made to live in fear for your life and the lives of those you love or been made to believe that you are, in fact, worthless.

The worst damage people like OPs husband do isn't physical, it's emotional and mental.

Her mother was willing to pay for the divorce but she was so worried for her mother's safety from this lunatic that she was willing to endure additional abuse to keep her mother safe.

You berating her for something she already regrets is simply blaming the victim and encourages other people to NOT come forward.

Many people who are abused (not saying this is necessarily the OPs stance) state that their abuser is quite charming at first, a "catch".

Slowly, over time the verbal and emotional abuse escalates but they still say, "s/he's so great, and they've never hurt me!". Then the first time comes and they are physically abused.

They are so shocked that it happened and "it's never happened before" that they write it off. It happens again, a few months go by and it happens again...and again....and again.

At this point it is happening at an alarming frequency but by this point, the battered person is so broken, so ashamed at not recognizing what was initially happening, that they stay silent. The victim blames themself.

THEN, in worst case scenarios, they begin to actually believe what the abuser says. They believe they deserve this. They believe they messed up, believe they are worthless, believe they are at fault.

Frankly, as much as I want to judge and blame someone for their past mistakes, I can NOT sit by and blame a battered person for their poor decisions regarding their abuser.

It's not right and it's not fair.

msgenie- you've been given some great advice already. The only thing I can add to it is that you've already given him power and control over 50 years of your life. He is gone now and you can finally live. Try to NOT let his ghost take any more of your life from you.

You only get one life, one chance at this big game; make it count. Regret nothing, learn from it.

There is a really good article in the March Good Housekeeping on this very subject. It briefly profiles 5 or 6 women who got involved with abusive men. It's very interesting and eye opening if you haven't dealt with this kind of thing before. Arcy, you may want to take a look at that article for a better understanding. (I read magazines from my library on my computer - very handy!!)

It doesn't just happen to women. A good friend of mine has been in an abusive marriage for nearly 40 years. Why doesn't he walk away? Because of the near cult control his religion has on his life. Why does he tolerate it? He's been so indoctrinated that divorce is not allowable and so he tolerates it. I won't go into everything he's gone through but it's certainly not a pleasant life.

Fortunately for you, your nightmare is over. Now it's to deal with the aftereffects of the nightmare.