Should I Leave or Stay? Married and older man

13 years ago

am a 38 year old woman married to a 59 year old man for 12 years.We have a 10 year old son together. I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage and he has 2 adult children from a previous marriage. We relocated across country 1 year ago (after my daughter graduated from HS) where I left my family, my home and my business and she left 3 universitites with full scholarships. I've not been able to find a job, get my business on track, nor do anything that I enjoy. My husband is now refusing to help my daughter with college, won't allow me to teach her how to drive in "his car" even refuses to allow her to use the printer for printing resumes to pay her school debt. He is very manuplative, controlling and talking to him without completely subordinating myself is out of the question. Since I haven't been able to find work, I'm depending on him for everything. Should I stay to make my marriage work or should I pack up my kids and get the hell out??

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Comments (5)

suzieque
13 years ago
Has it always been this way or is it new behavior? If it's new, perhaps there is something medically going on with him. I don't know why you mention the difference in your ages - are you thinking tht that has something to do with this?

Is there a reason you can think of that your business hasn't gotten off the ground? Is it due to the area or other influence? What type of business is it? Could you get a job?

I don't understand why your daughter moved away from 3 universities with full scholarships; why didn't she just stay where she was and go to school? Is your husband angry that she didn't take advantage of that wonderful opportunity and instead moved with you, and expects your husband to pay? If so, I'm not sure I disagree with him.

But I think we need a bit more info before offering any suggestions.

Suzieque
birdhumming
Original Author
13 years ago
No, he has been controlling in the past, I'm just starting to realize it now. He has always put me at a distance from my family and in his first marriage did the same thing, moved her across country from her family. We have been separated before. We are in what Forbes considers one of the most miserable cities in the country Stockton, CA. I have looked high and low for jobs NOTHING! I'd be willing to do just about anything at this point. Unemployment here is 20%! He agreed to help her with school provided we all come out here. She made a mistake and didn't take a full load her first semester and has a 6000.00 debt that finiancial aid won't pay for. It has to be paid in full before she goes back. She has taken responsibiliy for the mistake, found a job working only 12 hours a wk b/c that's all there is to find here. It will take forever at that rate for her to pay off. We agreed to help her but he recently said that he will not help her get back in school and she's on her own. He has never allowed me to let her learn how to drive in "his cars". My concern isn't only for my daughter getting back in school but I also have a mother who has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease who needs help but I can't help her, my daughter, myself or anyone at this point. Please give me some advice. I'm from the south, don't like to argue and stress, he's from NY and is very rude and aggressive, even at work.
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What a great influence your church has been on the pair of you. (Sarcasm very much intended.) I have to ask, if you were in an on-off relationship with your now husband, why the he[[ did you get in a position to become pregnant? Bad idea. Sorry to be harsh, but your whole approach to relationships seems to be a series of bad ideas: -Get pregnant in an unstable relationship -Marry someone you don't love merely because pregnant -Before marrying get involved with someone else -Get involved with a married man -Know you're doing wrong but not stopping Could this be any more of a train wreck? Stop. Cut off all contact with this other man, it will only end in tears for two marriages. If he's unhappy in his marriage, let _him_ deal with it, sort himself out and be free to be in another relationship honestly. Change churches if you have to to avoid being in contact with this man. Get some counselling. Sort out _your_ feelings without the confusion of your infatuation with this other man. Consider carefully and decide if you want to continue with your marriage or not. Only you can decide if security is enough (sounds ATM like it isn't) but having decided, you need to follow through one way or the other. Either fully commit to your husband or divorce, don't sit on the fence. It's not fair to anyone concerned and is a terrible example for your children.
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I'm not sure why I'm bothering to explain further, but my 3 yo only knows my bf as daddy because her bio-dad has never been in the picture. My ex never sees his kids because he is incarcerated. Until all of this happened my bf didn't behave as a tyrant. He's confused, hurt, and angry. We all say and do things we don't mean when we're hurt. There doesn't seem to be a way possible for us to heal as a family. I am aware of how kids lie about abuse. I am a surrvior of abuse myself. And yes, I've been in counseling for it. If we had already been married should I have just left? If this had been my own son who was the molester, what would we do with him then. I do feel his dad has mishandeled the situation. It's quite unbelievable how people pass judgement when others come here for help. I went through the proper legal steps to assure my son's safety when I discovered the abuse. The Child Advocacy Center in my county was discussing ways in which we could install alarms on doors to be able to have his son live in the same house, so I don't believe I'm doing anything illegal. But this is why we are not together. I won't have him living in the home. I refuse to live in fear of my child getting hurt. Funny how it's all black and white for many of you. What if your own children did this to one of their younger sibs?
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asolo
13 years ago
Sounds to me like you're life with this fellow is pretty well hosed. I certainly wouldn't live like that.

What did you do commercially before? By returning to previous location, would you be able to return to it?

Don't get you daughter walking away from full-rides. That's strange.

Visitation with the remaining 10-year-old will be an issue. However, if he's the ogre you described, maybe he won't care.

Sad situation.
mary_c_gw
13 years ago
Your husband may be a controlling p%!@&, but you are allowing this.

Do you not have a car of your own? If not, why not? Your daughter needs to learn to drive, too.

You let your daughter walk away from a full scholarship? WTH!! This is really unconscionable on both your parts!

I said it on the Kitchen Table Forum, and I'll say it here. You may have a controlling husband, but you're laying down like a doormat. Why shouldn't he walk all over you?

Quit being manipulated, and take charge of your life, and that of your children's.
asolo
13 years ago
Typical. She'll stay....and whine to whomever she thinks may listen.

I despair for the apparent human condition.

Unending gutlessness.

Should I Leave or Stay? Married and older man

Comments (5)

suzieque

birdhumming
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Should I Leave or Stay? Married and older man

Comments (5)

suzieque

birdhummingOriginal Author

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asolo

mary_c_gw

asolo

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birdhumming
Original Author