DH and I were discussing this very thing. One of our New Year's Resolutions to get accomplished. Without it, I cannot imagine what might occur. I know we could use some insight into this as well.

Hope this thread get some replies!

And Happy New Year to you!

I know it's a touchy subject and very personal but extremely important. Thanks for showing your interest - maybe this will help encourage others to share :))

Well my experience has not been going well, but I will share (and anyone with helpful advice, please chime in).

I have been with SO 7 years. We had planned on getting married, but that may not come to be. SD hates me.

He is close to 60. I sold my condo and moved in with him 2 years ago. At first we talked about marriage and that I would have house for life (if he died first) and then it would go to SD. He had talked to lawyers (and I suspect also the B, his X). He says X is afraid I will someone walk off with everything (and like she would know!!! - she is living in larrge house he paid for and will get almost 1/2 of his pension). He also said (and I think he gets this from X) that no prenup etc can avoid him being responsible for health care costs (medicare issues) of mine. My older brother is already in an institution. So right now, if anything happend to me, the B and the SD would likely kcik me out of house immediately. SO says that I still have money from my condo sale and he doesnt make me pay any housing costs. Complicating this is I lost my job recently, and difficult to find another.

And happy new year to you too!

And please let me know how meeting with attorney goes.

We have to get this accomplished as well, but right now the thought is 1/3 to DS1, 1/3 to DS2 and 1/3 to a trust fbo SD, and DH's father will serve as trustee with instruction for funds to be used for education, etc. and disbursed directly to the institution, etc. Upon graduation any remainder would be SD's.

If you are worried about real property division as well it can also be put into a trust which gives specific instructions as to how it is to be disposed of.

It's also a good time to verify how you hold title to any jointly held real property so that rights of survivorship are in place.

You motivate me to get this all done.

JNM,

Thank you for adding to this. When you say 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 is that on the death of the second of you two?

Can I ask -- what is intent if SD did not go to college? At some age would the trust assets be distributed to her?

How old is DHS dad and what is alternative trustee? Does DH have brothers/sisters? Needless to say, teh b*tch X would have a cow with me named trustee (and I wouldnt want the agravation).

How old is SD? What if she goes to college while DH still alive?

My DH and I are each other's beneficiaries on the life insurance policy. We don't have a formal documentation of it but if I survive, I would use the proceeds to pay final expenses and our joint debt, and a portion would be put in an account for SD's college expenses. If he survives, the proceeds would be used for final expenses and paying our joint debt. He has a much larger policy than I do. The survivor gets all property.

helenar,

The thirds are upon the death of the 2nd of us. Were DH to go first I would obviously continue to support the boys and put funds away for SD. We have a few life ins. policies and one is listed with trust fbo SD as the primary bene.

If SD doesn't go to college we have left it with grandpa that we trust his judgment as to when SD is old enough to handle receiving the funds (after 18 but before 24) . . . but I hate to think SD won't go to college! If she graduates while DH is alive the trust would be nullified and funds would go directly to her. DH's dad has several more years to go, but his brother is 2nd in line as trustee. We felt it would be silly to have me as trustee since if he were to die young it would likely be an accident of some sort and I could likely go with him.
SD is almost 13. Yikes.

I usually just lurk here . I could write a book on BM and SS. My SS in his mid 30's now and has very little contact with us. This subject is so important, it must be done correctly or the surviving spouse may be fighting with the others X and it will never be pretty.

We have a friend who lost her DH after almost 30 years of marriage. His X came in after the funeral and claimed he had never paid the child support for there child, who at that point was almost 40 years old, well guess what. The burden of proof was on the estate of the deceased. Our friend had no way of proving he had paid The cancelled check were long gone. With interest added his estate paid the child support again and our friend lost almost all the saving they had put away for retirement. Luckily she didn't loose her home.

The moral of this story is #1 guard those checks. We have ours in a safe deposit box. I did ask out attorney and he said it doesn't happen often but it can happen even 30, 40 years later. The burden of proof is always on the one paying and the other can claim anything.

And #2 hire a good estate planning attorney and make sure he uses the correct language that spell out whose children get what and what if anything the X is entitled to. Protect yourselves, your future. Your, his, children will grow up and hopefully be on there own but the outlaws can always come back to haunt you.

DH excluded his son from our estate after he refused to believe that DH had ever supported him, Ever after seeing all the cancelled checks for support, private schools summer camps, doctors, dentists, ect. SS said he knew that DH never supported him because his mother said so. He was 29 years old at the time and we had not seen him since she kidnapped him from DH when he was 11. Ended very badly and I made up my mind that I would do anything so save my DH from that hurt again. Very sad story and kinda prove my point in saying a mother can make her child believe almost anything.

Before you jump on my case you have to know DH paid everything, sent gifts, did everything in his power for years to be with his son but his X had lied to his son so much from the age of 4 that the poor kid never had a chance. SS said he never got anything from DH. BM never gave him any of the letters, gifts, anything. This was years ago when custody, visitation was very different from now.

On the other side my X never paid one penny of support. He is an only child, as is our daughter. When his very wealthy mother passed away a few years ago my daughter ask me if I was going to go after the support he owed me. I said I would if she needed the money for my grandsons college. We finally decided it was not worth the legal battle. She is paying for college but I was surprised she even brought it up because I had never once said anything about her father not supporting her. Kids seem to just know.

Finding the trustee is going to be difficult for us. I am sure DH would choose SD who is our biggest problem. She is very money and posession oriented. My oldest is much more down to earth, only 20 month younger than SD. But would I want him to have to deal with greedy SD and SS??? Tha is why I want the will or trust drawn up and covering every aspect.

DH never changed the beneficiary in his life ins. from work, so his kids will take all. If we go at the same time, this means his kids each get 50% of his work ins, 20% of his personal life ins, and 20% of mine, My kids will get 20% of each of mine and DHs. I would like to take skids off of mine, but don't want to cause more difficulities.

Does anyone know of Estate atorneys who specialize in stepfamilies???

Hi,

You need one in the state where you live, preferably in the city, but critical that he/she knows local estate law. Isnt there someone other than children you could name as trustee -- does DH have brothers or sisters? I think his naming your child is going to cause conflict.

Who is paying for personal insurance? Do you and DH share income/expenses?

We have made our will already. And we paid the extra money to ensure that power of attorney rested with the surviving spouse and in the event of both of our deaths simultaneously, power of attorney is granted to all the children jointly and severaly.

Neither of us want to go on beyond what we consider to be a good life.

colleen, did you have an attorney draft your power of attorney granting all the kids jointly & severally? That doesn't sound right to me, since it means they can make joint decisions or individual decisions, which could cause problems if they don't agree. Maybe I'm misunderstanding it though.

Can you help me out, my DH says that this will rsult in the chidlren of the second to die likely getting everything. He has no aversion to each of us having POA, and possibly exeeuctor, but he wants (and I may be getting this wrong), either mutual wills or a trust that basicall have on second of us death, a predetermined distribution of property. He has a a lot more money than I do, so most is to his rotten SD.

We most definitely had an attorney make the will. As it turns out there are four children, two mine, two my husbands. I guess you might see after our death what may happen.

My comment is probably unrelated to stepfamily situation.

When my grandmother became terminal and incoherent last year, my mom and aunt had tremendous problem with a decision about hospice. All of us cried and cried and tried to guess what would grandma want. Few weeks in her sickness she mentioned that she would want to live few more years to see greatgrandkids getting older, but then she started saying that she had enough and wants to die. By the time to make a decision she couldn't say anything. She would not recover in any case, but it would be much easier and much less guilt producing if there would be a very clear will saying what exactly she wanted to do if she gets to this stage. Nowadays when all the machines and medicine can prolong life, it is important to put everything in the will.

Anybody have SKs you are estranged with? How will you handle them in your will?

My dad is estranged from his SK's and they have been excluded. Their mom doesn't have a will and can't enter into one. (she is mentally/physically incapacitated)

If anything were to happen to my DH, we don't expect that his DD would visit or stay in contact with me much (it would be up to BM) and I would set up a trust for her college.

and fine, I have a living will but one of the problems I see with it, like your grandmother, depending on the circumstances, I might change my mind and want to live longer to see my grandkids or other family. I think that when the time comes, if it lingers, someone might go back and forth on what they want. But I think everyone should at least put down what they think they would want when they are thinking clearly.

My hubby and i havent' made one yet but have discussed it. We haven't bought a house but are looking and what we have discussed so far was ownership of house when we pass. The new house would go to my DS and second child if i have one. He will exclude his kids from ownership of our house for the basic reason that he left a brand new house for them with his exwife.
As for money, i know he will divide it equally among all his children. And i agree unless attitudes change in the futur with any of them, we will change that as we see fit.
Jewellery and money and land from my family side will remain with bloodkin as it has always in the past 200 years. Except a certain amount of jewellary must pass to the wife of my son or sons. Tradition that has been kept for years as well.

Coleeen,

I still dont understand all your comments. Maybe I am wrong, but I thought --

POA = person who can make decisions on behalf of someone else, doesnt mean who inherients.

SO is concerned re protecting SD if I survive him.

Unless other states vary from mine (AL) the POA dies with the person. It's purpose is for the named person to be able to make transactions if the other person is incapacitated, out of the vicinity when something needs to be done, etc. but when the person dies the POA ceases to exists.

Our blended family consists of 3 children each, all grown now. I had money when we married, he didn't but his salary has been more than mine for the 22 years we've been married so it pretty much evens out. The way we are handling ours is through a will which leaves what we have equally to the 6 children, except for 2 houses bought with my inheritance that will go to my children. He had no inheritance. We chose one child from each side as co-executors. None of the children appear to be greedy so I don't think there will be a problem. They don't get anything untill we are both deceased.

As for a living will, we haven't done that yet since we really can't say what we would want. It will be left up to the spouse to decide should either of us not be able to.

I did walk off with everything, but we were younger and I was married to him for 33 years. At first he wanted to leave one of his properties to his kids, but eventually put my name on everything with right of survivorship. When I die what is left will go to a small college in my husband's home town. I put the home in TOD and the bank accounts in POD. I would not leave anything to my kids or his, I don't think they should be rewarded for neglect and spitefulness. After my husband's death I told my attorney that I was worried that his children would sue for part of the estate. He just laughed and said a judge would throw their lawsuit out of court because they have no legal right to any of the estate. The same would have been true if I had died first. He also put a clause in the POA giving her the right to pay my outstanding bills and funeral expenses after I die.

This is what my SO is worried about -- that I cant be trusted to take care of his kids. His wrotten X is telling him I cant be trusted not to deplete assets, and shouldnt even be given anything in trust. She has told him to worry that assets might be used to cover my medical care. That I could be living in an instituion for years, and my kids living in the house and rotten SD getting left in the cold. I think this is ridiculous.

Given how you obviously feel about his daughter, how can you blame him for thinking you can't be trusted to take care of his children?

Yes, I plan on getting a lawyer from our state.

I can't have any of DHs relatives be the executor becuase they all hate me because of a pack of lies MIL and SD have told, and to this date DH has been unwilling to set straight. He says himslef that he is afraid ofthese people. BIL and SIL accused me of abusing DH because he won't agree on their side...he just kind of walks the fence.

So I need to figure out who could be ex. of our wills.

Also, what is the difference in a will, a living will, and a trust???

Will, a legal document expressing the desires of the author with regard to the disposition of property after the author's death. (It says who gwts what after you die)

A living will, also called will to live, is one type of advance health directive, or advance health care directive. It is often accompanied by a specific type of power of attorney or health care proxy. (It says whether you want to be on life support or not. It usually indicates your desire to be a organ/tissue donor. It usually includes who you want to make medical decisions for you if you can't)

a trust is an arrangement whereby money or property is managed by one person (or persons, or organizations) for the benefit of another but is owned by the 'Trust'. (If you die and leave money or property to children, it is held in trust for their benefit by the trust. A trustee is the person that manages the trust)

Some of my family uses the living trust. My nephew does estates for his living, he set it up for them. I thought a living will was just for health care. I like the living trust, but I had a problem finding someone I can trust.

Good morning, I think the term some of you want to ask your attorney about is life estate. If you own a home that is to go to your birth children, but you do want your husband to stay there for the rest of his life, this will protect him....We made a will in July, and my very healthy husband had a heart attack in October...Totally unexpected..So ,please dont wait, make your appointment and get it done..Not a pleasant topic, but you will feel relief that you are putting your wishes in writing and you wont have any worries to your assets going to someone you dont wish them to go to...

My SOs X (B**tch on wheels) has been complaining about my even getting a life estate. And as we are not married, without a will everything goes to the SD, whose is in her mom's pocket. Apparently the X is saying a life estate is not fool proof, if I went in an institution, my legal guardian would be obliged to rent it out (and it doesnt help that my brother is in an institution).

Helenar, Maybe I missed it, but will SO not make a will? And if I was you, I wouldnt tell X anything about your estate plan, its really none of her business even if you are married or unmarried.....I never received any advice on life estate if he had to go to an institution, but my understanding is it is his home til he dies, even if the house sat empty.... I think the main thing is cooperation with you and SO, if it is his or your property, you have to decide fairly who it should go to, and then get it in writing...My DH s X has no idea we have a will and it will remain that way until one of us dies....SKs may be disappointed, but when he left the home he built and half his money with X after the divorce ,that they can inherit thru her...He worked for it...Whatever we do now, we do together, we are a family now....Good luck, and remember, less X knows about your personal business, the better off you ll be.....

He speaks to X, cant stop him. She brought up the institution stuff. Her point is why leave me life estate if I might be in institution. This is his house from before me, and I dont pay any expenses. He had the F**king nerve to suggest I should buy myslef long term care insurance.

My dad's living will has some rather generic information about what he would want done. Then there's the important stuff. It specifies that my stepmom is to make any decisions for him if he is unable to do so. It then specifies that I am to make the decisions if she is unavailable/unable to do so. If both of us are unavailable, my oldest brother gets to decide. In reality, any decisions would be family decisions, but in case of any conflict or disagreement, there is a legal piece of paper that clearly spells out who he wants having final say.

Just assuming your spouse will be able to make decisions for you isn't very reliable. Although it's probably not the most common problem, remember Terri Schiavo had a husband the whole conflict was that the rest of her family disagreed and even though courts ultimately upheld the husband's right to decide on her behalf I'm sure the whole situation was pretty horrible for all. I don't know that having a living will naming her husband (assuming that's who she would have named) would actually have mattered in her case, but it couldn't have hurt. The more likely situation though is an accident that involves both spouses so the spouse is unavailable or incapable of making decisions. If you have one adult child, one parent, one sibling, etc down the line of legal next of kin in the order you'd like people making decisions for you, maybe you're ok, but if you have multiple people with equal rights under the law (or one in there somewhere who you wouldn't trust to be able to make the choices you'd prefer), it would probably be a good idea to decide ahead of time who gets the final say, who comes next, etc, make it legal in a living will, and let the family members know about it. Not only will that make sure you get the people you want making your health care decisions, it could make things easier on your family in a difficult time to have those decisions made ahead of time. Of course you can't predict what you want done in any imaginable situation, but you can predict who might be available and reliable to make those decisions on your behalf.

I have no idea what's in their actual will. I'll probably be hobbling around a nursing home in a walker anyway by the time i might inherit anything (my parents were babies when they got married and had me, and my stepmom's a decade younger even than them), so I can't see why i should care.

some people seem to have this idea that a living will is a document that spells out exactly what medical procedures you want done under what circumstances and you just hand it over to the doctors and they do what it says. It doesn't work that way. Any time someone is unable to make their own medical decisions, their next of kin (or other person they've given authority to) make those decisions. All the living will does is specify who you want making those decisions and provide some guidance as to your own values and what you might or might not want done in case there is any conflict that leads to courts having to decide who's right and wrong. The guidance can be general or specific but there's no way to perfectly predict a future situation so even if you get really specific if situation 1 I want a if situation 2 I want b etc, someone still has to decide ok real life most closely matches situation 1 so let's do a, and that someone is either who you specify or follows next of kin rules which sometimes can get murky.

A living will specifies what you want and the POA is assigned to see that it is done. We have been there, done that without a lawyer for my husband. I set mine up with a lawyer, he did it the same way I did for my husband. The living will doesn't always cover everything, usually it just covers extreme measures to keep you alive. It doesn't cover meds that keep you alive, a Comfort Care document does that and your doctor has to order it. If you are alone and want to be cremated you have to have the next of kin or a POA to stand up and say, "this is what she wanted". You don't need that for burial. I am in Kansas and it may vary from state to state except for the cremation. I was told that was required everywhere.

Hi, Notwicked

Did you set up appt? Please let us know how it goes. I know how painful it can be, so thank you for sharing.