ROFL . . . .

"Common courtesy is common courtesy. PERIOD."

Does common courtesy also include not reading somebody else's emails or letters without getting their consent? Or within a double standard policy common courtesy is only required for BMs?

iammommy I hope you are joking that you read another adult's private mail without letting them know. I hope you are joking, otherwise I do not understand what are the moral standards that you live by? wow.

Fine

My SD has written a few letters to her mom. She brings them to me to mail for her (since she doesn't know how to address the envelope) and yes, I glance over them to see if she's written anything that might be a concern for her counselor to know. There have been a few times that she's not "acting" angry around us but writing angry things and I mentioned those thing to her counselor. Her counselor then talks to her about how she's feeling and they work through it. I don't call up BM and tell her that what she's doing is causing SD to be full of anger or in any way use the information I have read to interfere with their relationship. If BM wrote SD a letter (which she never has) of course I would not read it. I am only concerned with what is going on in the head of a very confused and hurt little girl that was getting in trouble at school almost daily and not telling us how she really felt. She told her counselor that she didn't want her mom or us to know how she felt and she wanted to be brave (and deal with it on her own I guess) but she was acting out at school. So, don't expect an apology from me for caring about her and doing what I think is in her best interest.

On the other hand, her sister that just turned 12 was also abandoned. She's been left behind, living with grandma. While Grandma works full time, that 12 year old is left home alone until 6pm every night. She's unsupervised with a myspace account listing herself as 17 years old. Just recently, she listed that she has a boyfriend. Perhaps she is also acting out and nobody is there for her. She's not my daughter but I probably worry for her more than her own mom does. I know it's not my place and I keep quiet about it but as a mom, I think that it's wrong and my heart goes out to her. I hope her mom wakes up soon, before it's too late.

Fine - if one of your children was sending an email to "horneydog69" would you read it?

If she didn't want her mom to know how she felt, then what was the point of reading her letters to her mom to "get inside her head?" If there was something in the letters that she hadn't shared with you or her father, then obviously she DID want her mother (and not you or her father) to know about it.

There is NO excuse for reading her letters to her mother.

I had NO IDEA anyone would advocate reading a child's letters/text messages to their own parent. I am flabbergasted. Horrified. No longer speechless.

My son just brought up an interesting point - a lot of email accounts don't save sent emails by default - how do people read the kids' sent emails if they are not there?

TOS,

ok, you don't agree and that's fine. You think I'm wrong, I accept that. You are entitled to feel that way.

Do you have an opinion on her other daughter's situation? What do you think of a 12 year old that lives with grandma (74) and grandma is at work all day and 12 year old is alone in the house. She's on myspace posing as 17 and has a BF. Remember, she just turned 12. And she's also probably going through an emotional turmoil because her mom has run off with a new BF and stopped visiting her before Thanksgiving. Her dad lives several hours away and has very little contact with her. Would you be concerned at all?

and I can only assume that mom has modeled the same behaviors with both girls, that being sexy and having a man are the most important thing in life. She certainly hasn't taught them about being independent or a hard worker, as she's been neither.

I don't think the other child is relevant to the current discussion, because you are probably not reading HER letters to her mother. You is no more your business than is some random child in the next town. I'd be concerned if I were her grandmother, but I'm not.

How do you know she is posing as 17? Does her picture actually look 17? That would be unusual. How do you know she has a boyfriend, anyway?

Most 12 year olds are old enough to stay home alone for a few hours a day. I assume she goes to school.

I think it is perfectly normal for a girl/woman of any age to share things with her mother that she doesn't want her father or stepmother to know. There are private matters DD wouldn't share with dad. I talk to my mom about things I don't want dad to know. What's between mom and and her daughter should stay between them. Once again if you suspect abuse call CPSs.

TOS, they probably read those emails when they read a reply that parents send, then they can see what's in the email, just scroll down.

iammommy, my daughter just turned 20 and as much as I would not want her to talk to "hornydogs" I have no control over it, and I couldn't possibly know if she does talk to hornydogs, I don't read her emails, neither does my X. I also believe that if you raise children properly, you wouldn't have to worry about "hornydogs".

How do you know who is posting as 17-year-old on My Space? I have never visted My Space and don't know how it works, did you have to do the search to see that girl in there? Or can you just browse? Otherwise how do you know?

fine, I didn't write the comment on horneydogs

and I know she has a myspace because I searched her name and it came up. It has a picture of her that doesn't look like a 12 year old, it's a little distorted but clearly identifiable as SD's half sister. It was brought up in court that the 12 year old has a myspace and her mom vouched that she knows about it and monitors it. (the judge did warn her against allowing it) However, that was a month before she moved away and now she goes on unsupervised. (of course I am assuming that nobody is supervising her but I do know that grandma gets home at six and they live alone, so if she is showing "online now" at 3:30 in the afternoon, I don't know who is there) and on myspace, you can list your age, relationship status and other things. She lists that she's in a relationship. Could it be a preteen just saying it or just that she has a crush on a boy, sure. But NOBODY id supervising her. Who knows?

and TOS, I didn't say it had anything to do with the current discussion, but the current discussion isn't what the OP is about either. I asked what your opinion of a 12 year old girl that is latch key and home alone til six, going on myspace and saying she is 17 and has a BF?

oh oops. "hornydog" was coming from justnomartha. You ladies have similar perspective on things so it looked like it was coming from you.

why did you search a 12-year-old girl on My Space? I would be very concerned if adults would search to see a pic of DD when she was a minor. Just curiosity?

Was it brought up in court that you have to search for her and see what she writes on My Space? I understand it is available for public, but what is your purpose of searching? Does it show up there that you searched for her? Wouldn't people get suspicious why woman in her late 30s searches for a 12 or even 17 year old girl? You even know exactly what time she shows up online....If you did it to ensure her safety, how would you address it with grandma or authorities? Would they ask: what the h*ll are you doing searching for my girl online? I just don't get it what purpose does it serve? I could kind of understand why you read SD's and her mom's mail (although I think it is morally wrong, I understand why you do it". But why do you do this?

I will repeat an earlier post -

"My SD is a perfect example. Mom's BF had become abusive and SD was witnessing it (this is pre DH getting custody) but was told my her mom that if she told anyone they would take her away and she would never see mommy again. She was 5. It took over a month for her to finally spill the beans after things reached a point where the police hauled the BF off. I wish to God there was a letter we could have read during that month to let us know what was really happening. Can you understand why?"

For those that are so vehemently against reading any communication, please try to put yourself in my DH's shoes for a minute. This is what his daughter went through. If there had been a letter, an email, anything that SD and sent to mom (I know this is a stretch at the age but this is a hypothetical) that he could have read to learn that a man was threatening to bash in her head with a baseball bat would you say he should leave it alone rather than infringe on the privacy of she or her mother? Is privacy valued over safety?

If the other parent has never given cause for concern over their ability to keep their child safe, if they don't have a frequent and repeating history of acting selfishly at the expense of their child then I agree, privacy is warranted and deserved. But what if these secret correspondences are the only way you could learn your child was in danger as they have been scared into believing they can not talk to you? What takes priority - the sacred confidence of a letter or the welfare of your child.

This is a stretch for you to imagine I know. But before you shoot back some stereotypical response just try to imagine. Please.

we became concerned when SD asked if she could have a myspace and said her sister had one. I didn't believe it and we searched sister's name and there it was. She was 11 at the time. DH is concerned her mom will set one up for her too. SD's already told us that the song on her myspace page is going to be "lean like a cholo". I search SD's name all the time to make sure she hasn't set one up but she can set it up using a fake name that can't be searched apparently. If you go to her sister's profile while she's online, there's an icon that says she's online now. Occasionally, i look to see if she's online. What purpose does it serve? BM has already said it's not our business and even though I'm concerned about her safety, I've tried to respect her mom's wishes that I stay out of it. I have considered reporting her (I was a mandated reporter of abuse) and at this point, it would be a case of neglect. I am cautious of making a report because I know that doing so will cause bigger problems for BM and probably her grandma too. I admitted in court that I look at her page almost everyday and when BM's attorney asked why, I said that I'm concerned about a 12 year old on myspace. The judge agreed with me. Not long after that, a 12 year old girl (saying she was 17) in the same area as SD's sister, met a guy that said he was 17, but was actually 30. He picked her up from her school and took her to a motel and had sex with her for two days until the FBI tracked him down. (through his myspace info and credit cards) When they got to the motel, the 12 year old opened the door and said she was there willingly. She even tried to lie about her name and age. She wanted to protect this predator. So, I sure am worried about any young girls that go on there to pose that they are older and meet guys that may or may not be the age they claim to be. It's very dangerous for children.

I just said that i could kind of justify your reading SD's mail (or rather dad reading it, not you, but anyways) my question is what is the purpose of searching for BM's other daughter on My Space? It just seems that if you start spying, you can't stop, you want to know more and more. Now you want to know what her other children write on My Space. How is that welfare of the child? And it is not even your or DH's child, it is BM's child. What's next? Driving by BM's home, looking at her windows, hiding in the bushes? and once again if there is abuse, report it. Don't wait until you find something fishy in mom's letters.

Yes, it is dangerous for young girls to be on My Space. But how your looking at her page every day is going to protect her? You are saying you are staying out of it...Hmm. But you look at her daughter every day online. How are you staying out of it? Either report it or stay out of it.

I wouldn't want a minor child to be on My Space, but I would now want any adult to stare at her either on a daily basis. It would sound suspicious to anybody.

Oops. I meant "I would NOT want any adults to stare at her" instead of "NOW"

I agree and I guess I'm reluctant to get BM in trouble because if I report it, that would be to CPS. I don't want to put her or her daughter through that and you are right, she's not related to me. but she is my SD's sister. The only thing that concerns me is that she's saying she has a boyfriend and I know she's home alone a lot. I don't know how she's dealing with her mom leaving her and that she no longer visits her mom (at least not when sD is there). I haven't seen anything that would make it urgent to get the authorities involved. When her mom first moved away, I did report her first profile to myspace and it was deleted. Within a few days, she had a new one and that is why I don't think it would do any good to report her again.

It may also become an issue if BM follows through in dragging DH back to court. She says if he doesn't let her have custody of SD this year, she's going to take him back to court.

Looking at her on myspace daily? That is inexplicable. Yuck.

If the only evidence that the girl has a boyfriend is that she says so on myspace, that is hardly compelling. Lots of 12 year olds have "boyfriends" that are either entirely imaginary, or that they never see outside of school. Are you just worried because YOU were sexually active at a young age?

My 14 year old put a profile on Facebook, as do many, if not most, kids in her high school.

justnotmartha,

"Is privacy valued over safety?"

It is not that simple. Not valuing a child's or a teen's privacy will lead them to not opening up to you, and consequently endanger their safety.

I don't look up my X's son online and never will. Or his wife's other children. That's for sure. And certainly my BF doesn't look up my X's or my X's wife's other children's profiles on My Space. What a mess.

BM wants to have a custody of SD? You said you don't want SD to live with you all the time, so why don't you give BM custody? Is that why she dislikes you? Or because you look up her other child online daily? I would dislike somebody who does it too.

It is parent's rights to go to court to get custody. And if it means dragging your husband there so be it.

FD,

In some situations, I think the Dad wants custody and then dumps all work on SM. And I think that can get frustating. The person SM should be angry at is Dad, but that doesnt work, so she may get mad at the mom. And SM may resent doing all work with no apreciation.

And I think sometimes (not all) Dad goes for custody to avoid or minimize CS.

Possibly. I don't know. It just sounds confusing. In one post BM abandoned her children, in the other post she is asking for custody- DH doesn't give it and BM wants to go to court. So which one is it?
I would probably be resentful and frustrated if I would be asked to take care of young children daily while their parents are busy with their own business.

When it's good to have a concerned adult keeping an eye on your kids on the internet:

A friend of a friend has a 12 or 13 yo daughter who has quite rebellious streak to her.
My friend saw her friend's daughter on Facebook, when she was looking at someone else's profile and the daughter was listed as their friend. My friend was surprised to see the daughter on there, checked out her profile (out of curiosity) and found that her status was "____ is totally hungover" and that there were photos of her drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, other people at the party doing drugs, her kissing a few different boys, and a couple photos she'd taken of herself in a swimsuit.
My friend got on the phone that second and called up her friend, who had no idea the daughter even had a Facebook account (the computer was in her room and they 'valued her privacy' on what she did on the computer).
The daughter got the bejeezus of all groundings, the computer taken away and now goes for regular drug tests.

Maybe the parents should have noticed some of the signs that she was up to no good, but if my friend hadn't looked at her profile, who knows what would have escalated.
So I understand why Ima would keep an eye on her SD's half sister. If A__ had an unsupervised half sibling that I knew was on Facebook, I'd keep an eye on them too.

that comes from the same place that makes me volunteer to be a gaurdian ad litem. They may not be your children. But, they are children and someone somewhere should watch out for them.

If I can access info from myspace about my children just by knowing their name .... what is to keep anyone else from doing it?

If you can search and find them very easily someone is not paying attention ... I think myspace you have to be 13 to have an account and most kids don't realize if someone wants to find you they will...

Kids say I was at practice on such and such a day show a picture of themselves wearing team uniform ... if you are from that area how easy would it be to recognize a young girl at a certain ball field wearing the number 12 jersey for the cougars... or whatever... kids put their phones numbers addresses what they did who they did it with .... and if as a parent you can access it what's going to stop a pediphile from accessing it.

"It is not that simple. Not valuing a child's or a teen's privacy will lead them to not opening up to you, and consequently endanger their safety."

This is very true and creates a fine line to walk. That is why each situation must be considered seperately. Snooping because you're curious - not okay. Read a corrispondence because you have valid reason to believe something is wrong (be it with another parent, drinking, sex, whatever) - okay.

My SD knows we have all passwords and that using the computer subjects her to random monitoring. I don't even think she's connected computer privacy to "opening up." For as long as she's had computer access the rules have been the same, and she accepts them without question. She is a very open child now and comes to me with every little detail of her life.

I also believe there can never be too many people looking out for a child's safety.

TOS said "Are you just worried because YOU were sexually active at a young age?"

What does that have to do with it? See what I mean about making a personal attack? First of all, YOU don't know how old I was when I became sexually active. I had a child at 17 but that isn't a YOUNG age to become sexually active. and my first sexual experience was not my choice and it was not special. Isn't it a possibility in your closed mind that I might actually care about children, even if they aren't mine.

and finedreams, If you are confused, here it is... they had 50/50 custody. Mom got BF... moved away before telling anyone (a week or two after meeting BF) and GAVE UP custody to Dad. Yes, I resent that she did that because I am the one that comforts SD and takes her to counseling and helping her through it, not necessarily because I have to care for her more (although I do resent when BM expects me to take care of her on her time too). SD has been devastated and living in turmoil (it's Friday and she has to ask if she's riding the bus today because she is so used to mom not getting her) BM says NOW (five months later) that it was only supposed to be temporary and wants DH to just give her SD back, like it's no big deal. Even though it has been a rough adjustment and all of us, we both feel it is best for SD to be here in a stable home. She already is having problems at BM's house with new BF's kids and BM doesn't even have her other daughter, so how much does she really want the kids with her if she didn't even take the one she has full custody of? The threat to take DH back to court is usually being made when he tells her no to one of her demands. She used to use the threat successfully when they didn't have any court order but now he knows she can't just flee with their child.

and cawfe, that is my point exactly. On myspace you have to be 14 to be on there. Anyone can search if they know your name. Some kids put down in their profile, the name of their school.

In my opinion, it was inappropriate when she was living with her mom to have a myspace at age 11, but that was up to her mom and her mom said she was monitoring it. Now that she's really not supervised, there is more concern. I guess it is more concerning to me to see how SD is having such a hard time with what her mom did and wondering if her half sister is dealing with it okay or doing things to act out like her sister is here. The second week of school, I got a call from the bus driver that SD was bothering a boy on the bus. The boy is in the 8th grade and SD (in 3rd grade) developed a crush on him and was hugging him and even sat on his lap. The boy complained to the bus driver that she was bugging him. The bus driver gave her several warnings before calling us. Our biggest concern was what would happen if the boy had responded and done something to her.

How is it having sex at 16 is not a young age? If a child is born at 17, you were at least 16. It is notthe same as 12, but still. It is young for sex and definitelly for pregnancy. What is too young then if 16 isn't?

Of course we should watch out for all children. But I do not search for their profiles on the internet DAILY up to the point that lawyer asks: why are you doing it? If i would start searching and daily accessing children's profiles on My Space I bet you that parents would report me. And they would be in their rights to do so. And statements "I just wanted to watch out for them" wouldn't fly with parents.

first of all, the point is that nobody can tell when they have been searched for. You can search my name and I wouldn't know it. If I can search her name, anyone out there can if they know her name. It's a dangerous place to be when you are 12 and vulnerable.

and my son was born two months before I turned 18. (As if that should matter to anyone).

How is it having sex at 16 is not a young age?--

The median age for first intercourse is 17 for both boys and girls. So, if 50% of teens have intercourse by age 17, it's obviously not all that young (and one can speculate, although I haven't bothered trying to look up the figures, that there are more than a few "technical virgins" among the 50% that haven't yet had intercourse but have engaged in other sexual activity parents might be concerned about).

You may not like the idea of 16 and 17 year old kids having sex, but the reality is that it is not young, it is the norm.

and sexually abused children may act out sexually at younger ages.

PS. Watching mom have sex with BF at any age, is in my book, sexual abuse, and her girls were 4 & 8.

To finedreams

Quote "It is very important for me that my daughter has a good relationship with her father and it is important for him that she has good relationship with me. But it is not as crucial for neither one of us that DD has a good time with our BFs or GFs"

I think that the BM should be concerned with how things are between the child and the GF/SM. As the BM you would want the best for your child and want them to be happy no matter who they are with. Would you want your child to not have fun with the GF/SM and the GF/SM treat the child bad? Have you stopped to think that maybe GF could become SM at some point and SM will also be a large part of YOUR child's life therefore I would think that making sure the child is happy and secure around the GF/SM is important.

Like in my situation....BM doesn't want to take her kids shopping or bake or color with them or plant flowers..things that I have done with them. Naturally since they go on and on about it to her and it makes her angry. Well...that is not my problem. Perhaps she needs to be more of a mom to them. She doesn't care if the kids have a good time with me...it makes her jealous and jealous of what...not being a good mom to them so they would rather do stuff with me.

Point is...the BM should be glad if Dad found someone that makes your child happy when Dad has the child. You can't change the fact that Dad has someone else now...so shouldn't you be happy that at least he picked someone that is good to your child????

imamommy,

so your stepdaughter was four when her mom had sex with her boyfriend in front of her? you know this how? Adding up the years, you werent even with your ( now ) husband yet then.

"Point is...the BM should be glad if Dad found someone that makes your child happy when Dad has the child. You can't change the fact that Dad has someone else now...so shouldn't you be happy that at least he picked someone that is good to your child???"

That's pretty much how I feel too!

My brother is happy that his daughter (who is 4) gets along well with her mom's BF (who, for the record, was TOM). And my exSIL is happy that my brother won't get serious with someone who isn't interested in spending time with their daughter.
They've had some rocks and bumps, but for the most part get along well and are both committed to what's best for their daughter.... and part of that is respecting the role played by each other's SO!

Kathline, It came out in court, she only admitted BF slept over but denied having sex. When I found SD in her room with all of her barbies naked and posing them in sexual positions when she was 7, she said she saw her mom and BF doing that. We don't know how long it went on because she was seeing that guy for about five years, from when SD was 2-7. Her older daughter was 6-11. The counselor also talked to SD about it when I told her about the doll incident and got the same response.

I don't recall the exact specific details of Ima's relationship timeline, and she hasn't replied to this yet... but I know about things that happened in A__'s life before I was on the scene. Both good and bad!

Also, sometimes months (or even years) will pass between an abusive incident and when it comes to light, especially if the child has been threatened about not telling anyone (like I recall Ima's SD has been). So it's possible that BM had sex in front of SD when she was 4 (potentially pre-Ima), but no one figured it out until awhile later when Ima was around...

Bookworm,

Dads visition time is for him and DD. GF can tag a long but visitation/custody is time for parent and child.

My DD is 16, and I think FDs children are older also. Once she goes to college, I doubt she will have much cotnact with any of dads GFs.

Thats incredible. I am totally shocked that, if it is substantiated, there isnt some kind of court order that mom cant have sleep over friends of the opposite gender while the daughter is there.

I know in most southern states it is possible to have that included in the order.

If the counsellor knows of it and can substantiate it, it would be worth getting in a court order, should this go back to court. A parent who would have sex in front of a child isnt acting in a responsible fashion, and cant be trusted to do what is right for the child.

when we were in court, DH asked for that but BM said she didn't even have a BF and the court didn't specifically order that. Of course, three weeks later she met new BF and moved in with him (and gave DH custody) so we didn't feel the need to go back into court (as the last trial cost over 13K). We don't think she has a snowballs chance of regaining custody but it doesn't stop her from threatening to take DH back to court. We are more concerned with the cost rather than her having any grounds.

Since it came out in court, I think she at least has been more cautious about it around SD. When we went to their house and found it is a one bedroom (open loft) where they sleep and SD, her half sister and his kids sleep anywhere they can (ie. floor, sleeping bags, futon in the living room, etc.) we mentioned that concern and she ignored him. BM had told DH that her BF owned a 6 bedroom house when she first moved there but after several weeks of trying to keep us from seeing it (by bringing SD to BM's mom's for us to pick her up there), we finally saw that there is only one bedroom that is a converted walk in closet that is set up for BF's daughter and the rest of them don't have a fixed place to sleep when they are there. BM & BF sleep in the loft (which is attached to the walk in closet/bedroom) In other words, it is a very tiny place and with all the kids, it would be very crowded. If they had sex (unless they were absolutely silent), it would be heard anywhere in the house. There's no door or anything to the loft. It's open. DH told BM that he had a problem with SD sleeping on their bed in the loft with all the other children, including BF's sons (9 & 11) on the very first weekend SD met them. BM told DH to mind his own business.

Bookworm, I don't know what you are talking about. You do not know my situation and yet you give me a lecture. I don't have minor children. DD is 20. Yes, she is secure and happy. DD has good relationship with everybody, including BFs, GFs etc. We all get along. There was never any drama.

You are giving your lectures to a wrong person. We are boring. We get along.:)

I never said that it is not important: I said it is not AS CRUCIAL.

As about being happy that my X finally found somebody. lol

X just left his 2nd wife for TOW who he immidiatelly moved in with and he had a live-in GF before his 2nd wife. He still is OK dad and DD's relationship with him remains fine, and her relationship with new GF is cordial. However due to the fact that he left SM of 10 years (whom DD had a good relationship with) I cannot expect this relationship to be AS CRUCIAL as with his dad at this point.

And maybe BM should be happy that dad found someone else and it makes a child happy.

DD is not a child, and I am not entirelly sure that she is happy with dad's cheating on his wife in his own house. It is embarassing for DD because TOW is a wife of a friend and both DD and DD's brother know her. And she is only a little older than DD. And DD feels bad for SM being cheated on and left unexpectedly, plus her brother was very upset. But DD manages to get along and be understanding even under these circumstances. She is mature, we raised her well.

But yes of course BM must be happy X found somebody who makes child happy. lol

Don't give lectures when you don't know what you are talking about.

bookworm:

to add: X left SM 2 months ago. So should DD's relationship with a new GF/TOW be as crucial as with her dad? Unbelivable.

But I don't think Bookworm was specifically lecturing you.
I think she was responding in general to a comment you made, not so much telling you how your situation should be.

Maybe I misunderstood, but I got the impression that her "you" was meant more as "one", not as "FD"...

No, she started her post: to finedreams. Then she quoted me and said that I should be happy X finally has someone who will make DD happy when she is there or something of the sort. Not a big deal, but it is too funny. DD will be at her dad's for a week in February (college break) and I can just see how she will finally be made happy. She shouldn't worry about being introduced though, DD knows TOW. Cheating occured under dad's and SM's roof. Ouch.

But what is important that i am happy X finally has someone. hahaha I guess under the circumstances everybody would be happy if X doesn't have anyone at least once in his life for longer than a month. Oh boy. Oh i also liked that bookworm said I can't change that X has someone (implying that i have problem with that lol). Sure I can't change it otherwise I would change it by sending him back to his wife! That would make DD and her brother way happier. Not gonna happen.

I actually asked X if there is a chance it is just a temporary thing and he might make up with his wife and go back to his family. He said "no". he is in love with GF. XMIL is also very upset. But no, everybody should just be happy that he finally has someone to make children happy. I guess bookworm did hit the nerve.

Ok..just to clarify. This post was started by mom2emall. In her post she talks about how she does everything that the BM should be doing but is not. However....BM doesn't want to act like a BM but does not want SM doing things that she as the BM should be doing for the children. My point was.....finedreams.....that in this situation meaning mom2emall's situation...not your's...not everything is about you on these post...mom2emall plays the role of the BM but yet gets no thanks for it.

Take ceph for example- post was:

My situation with the anger/jealousy thing is that when BM asks "What did you and Dad do this weekend?" and A__ rattles off all the stuff that I did with him and/or all three of us did together, specifically saying my name in there too. She says "Oh that's good that you and Dad had such a good time".
What am I? Dog's breakfast?
It can be frustrating, but like I've said before, I can deal with that she's dismissive of me, as long as she's not actively being mean.

Your response:

ceph, it is not particularly important for BM that her son and you had a good time, it is important for her that her son and his dad had a good time. No matter how big is your role in his life, they are still the parents. Especially since you are not officially SM.
It is very important for me that my daughter has a good relationship with her father and it is important for him that she has good relationship with me. But it is not as crucial for neither one of us that DD has a good time with our BFs or GFs. It is nice, just not as important. I never thought of adding "It is nice you had such a good time with your dad and... "his GF"

I think your taking my post way out of context and too personal. I'm not talking about your situation. I was commenting on your post. In my opinion I would rather know whether my child is getting along with the GF or not. Afterall this other person is spending time with my child and helping out with caring for them. Of course I don't care if the X finds someone or not but if he does I would rather that person be someone who cares about the well being of my child and takes care of them when they are around. I personally think that purposely trying to ignore the fact that your child spent time with dad and GF/SM is steming from jealously..which to some degree I guess is normal however I am going to make sure my child knows that I am interested in everything they did whether it be with just dad or dad and GF/SM. I have learned this first hand....children will feed off of negative feelings and actions just as they will off positive ones. If the child senses that the BM is angry or even just a little upset about the fact that the GF/SM is spending time with them...the child usually will start feeling guility over enjoying being around Dad and GF/SM. My X did that to my daughter. She now shuts me and the fiance out because dad is not happy that there is someone else. Point being.. for the child's sake you have to push those ill feelings aside and do what is best for them. If the GF/SM is good to the child then don't give the child the impression that the GF/SM is scum of the earth.

Bookworm, I agree with you on this post as well. It does not do anyone any good to make the child feel bad about liking mom or dad's new spouse or SO. The parents feelings about eachother and new relationships are their problem and should not be passed off onto the children!

People should get over the jealousy of their ex being with someone else new. When a parent acts negatively about the other parents relationship it is just plain selfish.

BM tries to act like I am scum when she speaks to me or speaks about me to my sd. Funny thing is that "this skum" is raising her daughter because she is "too busy" with her own life to deal with the responsibility! So I am good enough to take over helping with the financial responsibility and to take care of her daily like I do my own daughter, but I am not good enough to be talked about nicely. SELFISH!!!! She only speaks negatively about me to make herself feel better for being such a failure as a parent.

I agree helpwiththis....in my case the BM also acts like I have no right to do things with her children and I think... Well....do them yourself then if you don't want me to do them. She doesn't like the fact that her X is with someone else and her children are now with us full-time because she is in trouble with the law. It's crazy...if she wanted to be a mother to her children and not have someone else looking after them...then she should think twice before she shop lifts and gets arrested. I just think it is terrible that the children have had to listen to her in the past talk negatively about me...when now in the end I am the one helping to raise her children and they think she is wonderful. I have never tried to convince them otherwise though because well ...number one it is not my place to and number two...I have to respect the fact that she is their mother...only biologically though. She has been very selfish though and in the end the children take the fall for it. She should be happy that her X found someone who is willing to take on her twins along with all the bad habits she has been teaching them for the past 6 years or so. It is no picnic for me at times!

bookworm, I don't think you understood the situation. Not everything fits into cookie-cutter stereotype of a stepfamily. I would much rather DD spends time with her SM of 10 years rather than TOW/GF (close to my DD's age)of two months. But if he chooses to be a womanizer, it really is not my business. It embarasses DD what he does, but it doesn't upset me, and luckily she is not a young child. No, i most certainly do not expereince jealousy lol But my DD's SM is most certainly hurt and probably expereinces jealousy. bookworm, you need to understand that people have very different experiences and they share it here for others to see how many different situations and troubles there are. Not every situation is a sterotypical: wonderful SMs take care of children. It is different in every family. Not every child is minor who needs to be taken care off. In our situation X does not leave me, he left his wife, my DD's SM, so, YES, DD'S RELATIONSHIP WITH TOW/GF IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER DAD. One again I said it is nice just not as important.

My best friend has a 16 year-old SD who lives with them. BioMom is out of the picture entirely due to drug problems.

The SD went from being "Gidget" to being a "Goth" in what appeared to be a few months time. Her change in appearance was drastic and her entire personality changed.

My friend noticed the changes in SD's appearance, behavior and noted she was on the Internet every waking hour. She talked to her DH about all of these things, but he thought it was just a stage she was going through and wasn't concerned because her grades were still good. He decided to ignore it.

In the meantime, my friend was becoming more and more alarmed at what she is seeing with changes in SD and because she couldn't reach her husband to try to find out what's going on and out of desperation, she purchased an Internet monitoring program.

What she found on the computer explained a lot - especially the girl's MySpace account. SD listed herself as 19. She was having chats with adult men and the chats were very sexually graphic. SD was also freely giving out her home address and making plans to meet these men. She was also posting about her father and stepmother and was stating how much money they made.

My friend was absolutely mortified that SD's self esteem was so low that she would seek out this kind of attention and she was also mortified that grown men, some who were perhaps criminals, now had their home address and knew how much money they made.
My friend had no choice but to go to her husband and tell him what she found. He freaked out because he had found footprints in their back yard in the snow - someone had been looking in their windows.

The girl is in counseling now. Is she happy with her SM for snooping on her? No. She actually hates her. But SM tried to save her when no one else did a damn thing.

Maybe some day the SD will understand what could have become of her if someone (her SM) hadn't stepped in. Maybe she won't.

finedreams...ok..point taken. In your situation I can see why it would be hard due to the fact that dad has now left SM for TOW. I really meant in situations where the SM is helping with taking care of the skids and the BM is resentful of that and lets those resentful feelings brush off on the child by ignoring the fact that the SM even exists. I know not in all cases the BM treats the SM that way..but I'm sure in most they do.