I'am on the other end of this problem.I'am a step mom to 3 kids my husband has from former relationships. I get along with two of them easily.One that is 14 has an attitude problem
and makes it impossible to get along.
Yet,despite all of that,I have ALWAYS told my husband to go see her by himself if I didnt want to go.
Maybe just try asking your dad if you come to visit if he could meet you by himself somewhere for dinner.I dont advocate lying,but maybe he could tell her he is out with the guys or working late or something.
Since you said she has a problem with you and your brother,obviously it is not something you only have done to her.She just sounds too insecure in herself that your dad loves someone else besides just her.
Dont give up on your dad...my dad died when I was young and I wish he was still here so I could have ANY relationship with him (one reason I have never kept my husband from is kids,I didnt have a dad and didnt want them to feel like I had)
Do you have any kind of civil relationship with this woman at all?
I also have a stepdad (I have had two) and we have not gotten along many times over the years.Usually it is me who makes the first move to smooth things over with him in order to talk to my mom. He is also somewhat controling...but we try to have a civil relationship even if we have not always liked each other for my mom.
It is hard,and may never get easier,but if you love your dad,you should both keep trying.

raek,
What do you mean when you say that you are struggling. Do you mean that you need some kind of support--emotional or financial, and there is noone for you? Are you and your brother there for each other?

raek, I am sorry to hear you feel the way you do.

First, I want you to know I am a step mother of 2 adult step children (SD 25 yrs old & SS 21 yrs old). When you discribed how you feel about your step mother and what she does when your around is how I feel about my step children when they are around.

They are never nice to me and appear or attempt to control their dad. They are always wanting something involving money which in turn effect me financially. DH and I combined our incomes and finances so what he does with his kids financially does effect me.

Could your step mother feel that way? Have you aways been nice to her? Do you acknowledge your step mother or do you ignore her? Do you ever ask for things financially or do you just want to visit with your dad? These are all things to consider.

Your step mother is a person and has feelings. These are just some things to think about. This is the woman that your dad loves. Maybe do something nice for your step mother when you come to visit. Give dad a hug and then include her with a hug. Thank her for the meal she prepares. Tell her how nice she looks. Just some ideas. Kill her with kindness.

I'm sorry.

If he just won't visit you without his wife, & he's on the other side of the country, & you can't visit him without the wife, & the wife is manipulative, that pretty well blocks all means of access.

The only things I can think of are phoning him at work & emailing him at work.

If you get to talk to him, *don't bring up 'issues' involving the wife*, don't say anything negative about her, smile while you're talking, focus on how much he means to you.

Often, divorce & re-marriage causes a lot of bitterness & anger between the adults, & the kids pay a price.

But the bitterness & anger belongs to the adults, not to you.

As they say, "It takes 2 to tango."
If he won't tango, you can't very well dance your part & his part as well.

I wish you the best.

wow,that's some pretty good advice sylviatexas!

Wow, some very good advice from all...

to answer some questions...

I am fully self-sufficient, I no longer ask for or need money from my Dad, although I have in the past, when it really was needed and he offered nothing (I started my own company last year and I needed some money to get started. I asked only for a loan, not a gift). My Grandparents ended up loaning it to me because he wouldn't. I don't need money from my Dad, I am struggling because I am close with all of my other family members, this includes Mom and her fiance, my big brother, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, even cousins and uncles on his side of the family. I have missed that relationship with my Dad for a very long time, maybe even before SM came into the picture. My memory is a little fuzzy, but the more I think about it, the less I remember him being around.

My problems with my SM stems from when she first came into the picture (I was 15) and started dating my Dad. She got into the middle of a negotiation between my Dad and myself on the first weekend I met her. I didn't even know her. I felt as if she had no right to get into the middle of my disscussions with my Dad. It blew up into a screaming match in which she actually grabbed my face and was yelling at me. Since then, I have tried being nice, although I am also strong willed and I do accept some of the responsiblity, but the things she has done has been completely uncalled for.

When I am on vacation and visiting my Dad, I do like to do certain things and go certain places because I am on my vacation and I don't want to waste precious time. She makes it difficult for my Dad to do things with me, because he understands that if she doesn't want to do those things then he will pay for it when he gets home.

I have recently gotten to the end of my rope when I was having another discussion with my Dad and she once again got into the middle of it. I am just so tired of dealing with it and I don't feel my Dad is taking any kind of stand to try to make things change. I am just trying to make a connection with my Dad. I feel as if I make all the effort with him and he makes none. When we do talk, it is always just small talk, I don't feel like we can relate to each other. I believe that a lot of that stems from the fact that I don't feel I can put my trust in him.

Also, understand that she has a son from a previous marriage who is 23 or 24 and is living in My Dad & SM's basement with his girlfriend, has no particular direction and recieves all of the financial support he needs as well as being invited to go on family vacations. (neither my brother nor I have ever been invited to go anywhere with them, and we never took family vacations when my parents were married)

I am not trying to be too long winded, and I am sure that most people on this site have the best intentions, or else they wouldn't be on here looking for advice. I want everybody to understand that it is not easy being a teenage girl, whose parents are divorced, lord only knows what is going on with her in school, try not to be too hard on these kids...even if they are a pain in the butt.

My husband was never married to any of his kids moms,so it is a slightly different situation.The one child he has that we are having problems with is from an ex he barely knew who tried to "trap" him with pregnancy...certainly not the child's fault,but a big reason why women shouldnt do that.She then took the child and told him he would "never see it again" when he broke up with her.
He was young,and had no money,so he didnt try to take her to court or anything,and didnt see his daughter for several years.
When I met and married him he didnt know where she was.
Well,he has since been in her life a while now (cuz she couldnt get child support without letting him see his daughter) And has tried for YEARS to get close to her.He called her several times a week,went to her soccer games (and her mom never did)took her to special events just him and her...she has no intrest in him.They have nothing common,and it is quite awkward.Now she no longer calls him except to ask for money.We have alot of other severe problems I wont get into (but it is in another post)
My husband also has the same relationship with his dad. His dad never calls him,never wants to see our daughter but has his sister's son there every single weekend.His dad has never been a father to him at all,so I'm actually shocked my husband turned out this good as a dad.He didnt even live with his mom or dad,but was raised by his grand mother.

I have had my problems with my step daughter,but yours sounds a little nutty! Grabbing your face and yelling at you the first weekend she met you? Yikes! I dont know why your dad didnt tell her then that it was unacceptable for her to put her hands on you.I have never touched my step daughters.
I dont even like to yell at them,I feel it's not really my place but their dad's.(but some things he wont,and I have too and I get mad at him for it)
It really bites that your step mom and dad let her son from the previous marriage stay there and yet dont really talk to you.My husband's dad also has his wife's son from previous relationship living there,and has never helped us with a thing either! Lucky for us we have never had to ask him either.
You said you cant trust your dad,which seemed like a strange statement to me.Just because of the stepmom? or for other reasons?
Let me also ask you this...how's your brother feel about dad? Same thing,no trust,dont really feel connected?
Shame you cant think of something in common you and your dad have.And at least once a week get together to do that thing (even if it's just having a milkshake) and talking for a 15 minutes.Just you and him.
You can have my husband for a dad,he feels rejected by his daughter,LOL.Joking.But i really think his ex turns her against him.Not much we can do about it.

Thanks for you post coolmama,

The reason I don't trust my Dad is for a few different reasons, but mostly it is because he did not stand up for me when she did grab me by the face. He has never stood up and told her that her behavior is unacceptable and has let it continue until now. I am actually starting to accept the fact that I may never have a real relationship with him, but it makes me very sad.

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting engaged, and part of me would really like my Dad to be there and to walk me down the isle. I know it would really hurt him if I didn't include him in that way. But then I get to thinking about what that means...to give me away...and I start to think that If anybody deserves that honor, my Grandpa does, not my Dad. Plus, I would hate to have SM at my wedding. She is so hateful and hard to be around.

Another reason I don't trust him is because I feel as if he is not honest with me. When I speak with him, he will tell me that he will do what he can to work it out and come out for a visit alone, but then he never comes through. I am tired of getting my hopes up and not getting what I need from him.

To answer your question about why we can't get together for a milkshake...He lives in Colorado, I live in Georgia...and your other question...my brother is a little bit closer to my Dad. As I have said in previous posts, I am pretty strong willed. I admit that I am harder to get along with than my brother. He also feels that he no longer has a connection with my Dad, though. He has had a few incidents with SM as well. The last time they were visiting us, he spent the entire 4 days with them and did what he could to keep the peace. Right before they left she did something to really push his buttons and I will be honest with you, in all the years I've known my brother, I have never seen him lose his cool like that. I think that as the days go by and my Dad does nothing to stand up for us, my brother is losing more and more respect for my Dad.

As for your situation, coolmama, I have read some of your other posts...you deffinately need to do what you can to protect your daughter. I also understand that your husband is struggling and this girls behavior IS UNACCEPTABLE! Just tell him to keep the door open for her. I'm sure she has struggles you don't know about. If she didn't know her father through the first portion of her life, even though it was her mother's fault, I'm sure that it isn't easy for her to find a connection with him. That can't be easy for her either, plus, if she is overweight like you say, I'm sure that being at school and with her peers is not easy either. Kids that age can be so mean. I know this from experience. I know that I wasn't the easiest person for my Dad to get along with when I was that age. I think one of the many problems now is that he still sees me as that selfish teenager. I have only just begun to tell him the hell I was going through when I went to school every day. Anyway, to sum this up, just tell him to keep the door open but not to accept any of the bad behavior from her. Tell him not to give up, and be as patient as you can. Wether she knows it now or not, this girl needs her Dad.

I'm kinda wondering if your dad is like my husband in the aspect that he doesnt like confrontaion and has trouble standing up for what he knows is right. Like,husband was scared to talk to his daughter about hitting our daughter.
Even when him and I argue sometimes he doesnt really ever say when he's mad at me and stuff.Which is the nice of saying it...of course the mean way is to say they have no "balls".
Was your dad like that with your mom? Did he stand up for himself or you guys then? Or has he just become this way since he has been with your stepmom?
It seems harder for you cuz you live so far away.
I would suggest getting to know him in a simpler way such as through e-mail or even regular mail at first. Think he'd write back? Just a few lines here and there to say how you're doing and what is new.To establish more of a relationship.It is a bit less intimadating through writing then on the phone or in person.(obviously,cuz I doubt so many people would be so brazen in real life as they are on the computer!)The only downside to this idea is if you think stepmom will intervene with the letters or e-mail.
And,I wasnt the easiest teenager either,so dont feel too bad about yourself.I'am an adult now and much different too. It's a shame that your dad cant realize this.
You know,from the time I was about 16 to about 19,I didnt get along with my mom at all. We hated each other.It is only now as an adult that can appreciate her and likewise.
You know though,I just wanted to make one more point as to why step mom is the way she is.Is it possible that when you were a "bad teenager" your dad told her a bunch of stuff about you that you did?
See,my step dad is the same way.My mom always tells him the bad things I do,but never the good things I do.So then he has this biased opinion of me that is not actually a true one.Only after years of my step dad knowing me,has he finally learned everything my mom says isnt always true.So now we finally get along (granted it has taken about 10 years to get here,maybe longer)
So,if dad isnt telling her the wonderful things about you,she is left with what? A biased,one-sided view of who you are.
Which if you think about it,makes it hard to like someone.In which case,this is dad's fault.
I'm really sorry you feel so cut off by your dad.I never really knew my dad either before he died and it has always left a emptiness that I cant explain.Maybe if you just take tiny baby steps to knowing him,you can change your relationship.

Coolmama,

When my parents were married I my Dad deffinately wore the pants, but he has completely lost them in this relationship. My mom is very nonconfrontational, so I guess he didn't really have to be the one avoiding confrontation.

Your husband actually sounds a lot like my Dad in many ways. He was raised by his Aunt and Uncle because his mom wasn't much of a parent and his dad was an alcoholic. I guess he hasn't had much of an example, but he did have his Aunt and Uncle, who I understand he rarely talks to anymore. And he seems to be a pretty good stepdad/caregiver for her son.

I think if my dad ever complained to SM about my behavior (he probably did when I was younger) I think by now he would have stopped simply because he knows better than to do anything to cause more friction than there already is.

It's so funny what men do to avoid conflict when avoiding it just causes more conflict and pent-up anger. I think another problem is that he believes that she is smarter than him, so whatever his arguement is, she can always come up with some reason why she is right. She has tried to do that with me too. If she can't come up with a justification why she has done something she just brings up every bad thing I have ever done. These arguements date back to prom my sophmore year of High School...ugh!

Thanks for letting me vent. I think you and can probably learn patience and understanding from one another...seeing as how we are on oppisite ends of this mess. I wish my SM were more like you!

At this point, I'm not sure if I am really looking for advice at all. I think I just want to get it all out there. I'm not sure I have the energy or the heart to keep trying with him. You say that when your husband talks to his daughter it is like playing 20 questions and it's like he is trying to pry everything out of her. That is how I feel with my dad...so frustrating!

It certainly is frustrating...why cant relationships be easy?
That's kinda how I felt,just wanted to vent and stop holding it all in.I try hard not to tell people I know my personal business,so it has been pretty pent up.
I really hope it works out for you.Talking to you has given me some perspective.At least you have your mom and your brother.
Truthfully,my MOM does the same thing your stepmom does (throwing things from the past up in your face). I have always been closer to my sister.I dont think any parent/child relationship is perfect.
Good luck to you,maybe things will get better for both of us! (we can hope right?)

raek,
From my perspective, I would say that your dad is just trying to be happy. He's trying to make the best of what he has and realize that his wife is who she is and nothing is going to change that. My suggestion is to continue to keep in touch and just be yourself. There may be some comfort for him knowing that you remain in his life. Instead of requesting that your dad give you away at your wedding, why don't you ask him what he thinks and let him use his best judgement. You would be paying for his trip, and hotel, right?
Best to you

raek,
I have read your post and the responses to it. I've been thinking about what you wrote since I first read your post yesterday.

I understand your situation and your need to have a relationship with your father. First let me tell you that I have been a stepmom for the last 18 years to three children now 26, 20 and 18. The oldest stepdaughter has never liked me despite every effort I have made to treat her like the two other stepchildren. She has always been cold and rude towards me and has always given me the impression I intruded in her life. At one point her attitude caused so much stress in my life that I simply cut ties with her and hardly talked to her for the entire last year. Never did she call once to ask if something was wrong or even to ask how I was, how's work, etc. etc.

If you don't like your stepmom, and feels she is the reason for you having difficulty being with your father, why don't you tell your dad that as of now you really will no longer make any effort to entertain/talk to his wife considering how you feel about her. Tell him once and then stick to your resolution. Life is too short for you to be so unhappy towards your dad. Eventually you will marry and perhaps have children. Don't let your relationship with your stepmom prohibit you from having ties with your dad.

However, your dad chosed to be with this woman and it is up to him to make things work between him and you and him and her. Be considerate towards your stepmom, just like you would like her to be considerate towards you when it comes to your relationship with your father.

I always said to dear husband that his children needed to maintain a relationship with him, not me.

Raek,
Know you aren't alone. My dad remarried a year after my mom died unexpectedly, I was just 21. His new wife moved into our family home with her 2 yr old. The new SM confronted me and demanded respect from day 1 ( I wasn't living at home and had just recently married before my mom died). The new SM wanted me to know she was the new woman in town, while she slept in my mom's bed and ate off her dishes. Try going for dinner only to see the table set with your dead mom's favorite china...my dad never stood up..he never protected me...I became the forgotten child because I was 21 and suppose to be an adult..and just "Get Over It". I did not create trouble for either of them, but grew more aloof with each painful event.

I tried to respect the fact he had a new life, new wife and new stepdaughter. I wanted him to be happy, but never dreamed I'd have to be sacrificed. But I was in many many ways... Of course my dad plays a huge part in this. My SM still to this day is trying to teach me some lesson, this xmas she sent a xmas letter to friends and family detailing the last 25 years of their life, not a mention of me or my family...and ended the letter saying they were blessed to have the love of their daughter...not daughters...but daughter...HERS...

Somehow I've managed to keep a relationship with my dad mainly via email and telephone...and although I miss him terribly, I've come to realize, it's all we have, and all we'll ever have...we too talk small talk only, he promises he'll work on the problem, but it never happened and never will. I don't have any solid advice for you other then don't expect your dad to change. The relationship has changed. Loving people unconditionally is very hard..it takes an incredible amount of will. Try to love your dad without conditions.

Hi Raek,
When you said, "She makes it difficult for my Dad to do things with me, because he understands that if she doesn't want to do those things then he will pay for it when he gets home".

I think you hit the nail on the head with your particular situation. Not saying that all stepmoms are like this. I do feel for you raek. I've seen this before.

organic maureen and pokesalad, thanks for your posts. It helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this. It seems like there is a ton of support (ie books and forums) for stepparents out there, but not much to find when it comes to stepchildren.

brass tacks, to answer you question about wether I would pay for my Dad's plane ticket and hotel if he came for my wedding...I actually have offered to pay for a ticket for him to come out and visit this year. I have an extra room, so a hotel would not be necessary. But I would like for all of this to happen before I start planning a wedding because I would like to have a closer bond with him before I reach that point. However, I believe that it is customary for the father of the bride to help pay for the wedding. I have no delusion as to think that he will, but I don't feel it would be my responibility as the bride to pay for him to come out here. He has made choices in the past that have made me feel very resentful toward him, and the truth is, I feel as if I have negotiated as much as I can. I don't want my wedding day to be surrounded by the same conflict and resentment as both my high school and college graduations has entailed and I would resent it very much if he not only didn't help me with the wedding, but expected me to pay for him to come out for it.

I know that sounds selfish, but in the 11 years that my brother and I have lived in Georgia, he has been out to visit twice, I have been out there at least once and sometimes twice a year. One of the times he came out was for my college graduation and that is when his wife caused a huge fight with my brother and consequently with me. I have recently started my own company and bought my own home and am getting by pretty well, but I don't make a ton of money and will have to do quite a bit of saving/budgeting in order to pay for a wedding. I know that my mom will help with this as much as she can, but she doesn't make a whole lot of extra money either. I feel like in good conscience, I would happily pay for him to come out and visit me now, but it should not have to come down to my wedding day for him to make that decision.

brass tacks,

I just wanted to also add that I agree that my dad is just trying to make the best of the situation. It is far easier to avoid the feelings of his kids who live across the country than it is to deal with the ones of the woman who is living in the same home, but at what cost? He has alienated everybody else in his life, this includes his brother and the Aunt and Uncle who raised him. Also, it isn't as if she didn't show her true colors before he married her. She treated my brother and myself badly from the very beginning. He knew what he was getting into and chose to marry her anyway. I am afraid he has put himself into the situation he is in now and I think that anybody who would threaten to divorce a man who wants to spend a weekend with his children is selfish. That is not love if you ask me.

raek,
You know you are rationalizing your feelings, right?

Does your dad know that you plan on getting married?

Have you ever told your dad that you don't know how to feel or what to think since he doesn't seem to want to see his family, and that now that you are planning your wedding--things are coming to a head and you need to have some input from him.

Have you ever asked your dad if he wanted to come to your wedding?

So what is so stressful to you is that somewhere in your mind you think your dad should come to your wedding, but you are fearful that your dad's wife will bring her sour attitude with her and so you don't want your dad to come.

Forget about the idea that your dad should help out with the money-end of the wedding. That would be unrealistic, so it doesn't even warrant mention. Besides, you would be hard-pressed approaching that idea when you aren't even sure you want your dad to come.

If I were your dad, and if I did consider making a trip to see you get married, I would want to have a hotel room. Especially if my wife wanted to be with me. Try to picture the dynamics of what the situation would be like if your dad and his wife were to stay with you. If you want to entertain your dad--that's one thing, but to think he would be comfortable staying with you, no.

Find out how much it would cost your dad for a hotel room and meals--a nice place with a pool and whirlpool. He would also need transportation, so he would need to know the cost of renting a car. If you get these prices and communicate the cost to him, then he would be in a better position to decide how far in advance of your wedding he would want to plan on staying. You might even let him know where he and his wife could go to enjoy themselves on this vaction.

Instead of waiting on your dad to come forward, you come forward.

If you don't want to go out of your way for your dad, then perhaps you are a little more like your dad than what you would like to think.

raek,

Are you ok with having his wife at the wedding, or do you want just your dad to be there? It is your wedding, and your wishes are what's important.

I don't really think she would divorce him if he came by himself, and if she divorced him over such a minor thing, then it wouldn't be much of a loss. I will never understand how a parent can give up a relationship with his or her children just to maintain a relationship with a new spouse.

If you invite him, and he chooses not to come, then you have done more than enough. It is not the child's, even the adult child's, responsibility to go the extra mile to maintain the relationship with the parent. That should be the parent's responsibility.

theotherside,

I agree with your statement: I will never understand how a parent can give up a relationship with his or her children just to maintain a relationship with a new spouse.

It's happened to me and it's unbelievable. How any man could love a woman who hates his children is beyond me. Sure problems erupt in blending broken families, but how often does a mother turn her back on her own children in these situations? NEVER. It's really sad, because if people just put their emotions aside (anger, jealousy, resentment, hurt) and tried to talk the situation out on a continual basis while reinforcing that ALL are loved and valuable in the new family, I think things would be better.

brass tacks...I'm not sure what you mean when you say that I am "rationalizing my feelings". I looked up the deffinition of rationalizing and this is what comes up...

to ascribe (one's acts, opinions, etc.) to causes that superficially seem reasonable and valid but that actually are unrelated to the true, possibly unconscious and often less creditable or agreeable causes.

I belive my feelings about this whole situation are completely rational and reasonable.

My Dad does know that my bofriend and I have been talking about getting engaged. I have told him that we have. Also, we have been dating for 3 years, I am crazy about him, as my Dad knows, and he is also crazy about me. All of my friends and family adore him, which is very important to me. It is pretty reasonable to assume that an engagement won't be too far off.

I know my Dad loves me and I can reasonably assume that he would be very hurt if he were not included in my wedding. His love is not what I question when I am talking about our lack of a relationship. I am talking about our inability to relate to one another in any "real" sort of way and I also question his ability to think for himself and to stand up for what he knows is right. Because he doesn't stand up for me or my brother in the times that we do spend with him, it limits my ability to open up to him.

I have told my Dad repeatedly how I feel, although I have not specifically mentioned that I am thinking of not having him in my wedding or not asking him to attend. I don't belive in ultimatums, either he chooses to be a part of my life on a regular basis or he chooses not to and I will make my decisions based on that. I think it would be a little superficial of him to suddenly step up to the plate if I held it over his head that I am thinking of not including him in my wedding. I have told him of my feelings in person, I have told him on the phone, my brother and I actually conference called him once in order to talk to him about our feelings on the situation, I have sent him very long emails, he replys to them with a couple of sentances that don't address the topic at all, I have mailed a letter to him at his work so that SM could not have access to it. I feel as if I am talking to a wall...like he doesn't want to deal with my feelings, so he chooses to ignore what I say.

What is stressful to me is that I have such a great relationship with everybody else in my life and I wish that I could have that with my dad. I also would like to feel the pride I should feel when my dad walks me down the isle and I should not be deprived of that because his wife is incapable of getting along with anybody. (She also has had problems with her own family and is currently not speaking to her only sister.) I know that it would hurt my dad if I were to exclude him from these events...my wedding and walking me down the isle...and I don't want to hurt him. I do want him to step up and fight for a relationship though.

I have already accepted the fact that my dad will not help out financially with my wedding and I think I mentioned that in my earlier post. And honestly, I would never except that help anyway because it will be another thing that can be held over my head, as in..."SM and dad helped out with your wedding, therefore you should just accept the way that she has treated you for the last 14 years and just get over it"

I want my dad to come out and visit by himself, without her, BEFORE I start planning my wedding. That would give us the opportunity to relax and have a good time with one another without him having to worry about what SHE wants to do and how SHE is feeling. If he did, I know that HE would be perfectly comfortable staying with me. I would not and have not offered to have THEM stay in my home, although every time I visit him, I do have to stay in their home. They live in a resort area where hotel stays are VERY expensive. And although I don't feel comfortable staying in her home, I do stay for his sake.

I don't expect him to attend my wedding without SM and would not ask him to. First of all, I don't want to deal with that fight when I am planning such a happy day. Also, many of the people who will be there would be my mom's family and I know that he would not be comfortable without SM. Plus, the whole idea of having him by himself would be so that I would be able to spend some one-on-one time with him, which would be impossible on the days surrounding my wedding. If he can make a visit out here BEFORE my wedding without bringing her, I would feel much better about having them BOTH around when that day does arrive and would be happy to help them to make arrangements for hotel, transportation, etc.

You say "instead of waiting for your dad to come forward, you come forward". I don't know what else I can do to come forward. Like I have said before...I have extended myself to go there on numerous occasions, I have gotten my own transportation from the airport, which is 2 hours from their home, I have stayed in their home when I have NEVER felt truly comfortable or welcome there...I have offered to pay for him to come out for a visit, I have even told him that rather than sending anything for Christmas I would just like it if he could find a time to come out and visit my brother and I without her. I have gone out of my way time and time again for my dad and am tired of the heartbreak of it all.

theotherside...I think you are right. She would not divorce him if he were to come out on his own to visit, but, unfortunately, he BELIVES that she would and so she can control him that way. I agree that it is his responsibility to go the extra mile to maintain the relationship, but he hasn't, and that doesn't stop me from wanting that connection anyway. I just don't know what else to do.

The point of having power is having power.
The point of having control is having control.

I don't think this woman would divorce your father no matter what:

She's got power.
She's got control.

What I *can* see her doing is coming with him to the wedding & ruining your wedding day.

Maybe not for life, but for right now at least, bless him & let him go.

On your wedding day, you should look radiant, not stressed out.

Walk down that aisle on your own two good feet, or get your brother or an uncle to accompany you.

Thanks Sylviatexas for the post. I think you are right and you worded it so eloquently. I also know that my SM would not divorce my dad. She would not ever find somebody she could control as much as she can him.

I am slowly coming to the same conclusion about the wedding, and I know that my Grandpa, who has always been there for me and been supportive would be happy to walk me down the isle. It just hurts me to have to do something that will break my dad's heart like I know it would if I leave him out of the plans.

raek, Ok it sounds as if nothing has worked. I responded once before on your posting. Have you thought about attempting the killing with kindness?

Your father sounds as if he is truely committed to his wife. You may think he does not love her but it sounds to me as if he does. They have built a life together and I bet your father would really appreciate it if you excepted his wife and attempted to forgive. However, you may not be able to forget. But forgiveness can be rewarding.

I agree no one should cause physical or mental harm to anyone, but it sounds to me that what you are doing right now or have done is not working.

I would suggest you attempt to get along or tolerate your step mother and just see if this does not change some thing with you and your father.

This is the woman he has choosen to spend his life with and die with. Try to find a middle ground you both can tolerate each other with. If not for yourself then for your DAD.

raek,
You struggle because you want everything to be right. You want things to make sense. You struggle because your reality does not match what you want--so you twist your thoughts around to try to come to some kind of truth or sense and come out feeling right about your decisions. The truth is that your dad is trying to live each day as best he can. So his wife isn't liked by anyone, and you are liked by many--so what. That's what I mean about rationalizing your feelings. You don't have to weigh the fact that she isn't liked and you are liked and therefore you must be right. You do not have to live your dad's life for him, nor decide what is best for him. If you don't want to see your dad's wife, then that's all there is to it. If he comes as a package--well, there you are. It is what it is. Take it or leave it.

Like yourself, I would want my dad at my wedding--but unlike yourself--I wouldn't care who he had on his arm. Just so I got to hug him and say some sweet things in his ear--that would be enough for me.

sunnygardenerme...I have tried to be nice to her. I do give her hugs when I arrive. I do compliment the meals she cooks. She is a very good cook. However, it as though she cannot help herself but to pick a fight everytime I am around. Things always have to go her way. She always feels as though she is entitled to set the agenda and I am not willing to compromise on some things. My time there is precious and limited and I want to do the things that are important and entertaining to me. Often she will insist we go to the movies (I feel that going to the movies is a waste of time when time is limited), or she wants to play Texas Hold'em (I don't enjoy poker). She lets her dogs jump up on me when she knows that I really don't like them, she brings up and trys to justify why she treated me the way she did when we first met, which I have always felt was unjustifiable and unacceptable and is sure to start an arguement.

The only solution is to bring a friend with me when I do go there and to only stay for 2-3 days MAX. She trys a little harder to behave herself when there are other people around. The problem with that is when I do bring friends and stay for only a few days, I still don't get any time to really relate or spend time with my dad and then my dad complains to me that I am the one who is not trying to have a relationship. He says that I only come to his house as if I am "passing through" and my real visit it with my cousin/his niece. I guess that he is partially right. I enjoy the time that I spend with my cousin, she is like a sister to me and I feel comfortable when I am staying at her place. She lives in Denver and he lives 2 hours from Denver, so I have to travel from the city/airport when I do go to his place. It would be easier for me to just stay in the city, so it is not accurate to say that I am just "passing through".

I do think that my dad loves her and I have never said otherwise. I have no intention or hope of splitting them up. I want my dad to be happy, and if she makes him happy then I am glad. I don't think that he should have to split with her in order to visit me without bringing her along. Those are HER conditions, not mine. It truly doesn't make sense to me why she would want to come along other than the obvious control thing. If I were her and I didn't get along with my husband's children, I would encourage him to spend time with them without subjecting myself or them to the discomfort of being around somebody I didn't get along with.

I actually do get along with my boyfriend's family and I still encourage him to also spend time with them when I am not around and he does the same for me.

brass tacks...It would be enough for me to hug my dad at my wedding if there were some true feelings behind the sweet things said in each other's ear, but if it is all just for show, what is the point? Obviously you have never found yourself in the same situation I am in, you have probably never felt so disconnected to somebody you care about. I agree that I shouldn't dwell on it, and am trying not to. I am just trying to get my feelings out and to vent about it. I do feel right about my decisions. I just want to feel as if I have exhausted every avenue before I walk out of his life for good.

raek,
Try to remember what I'm going to say...Until you can accept your own feelings, you cannot begin to accept the feelings of others.

Do some thinking and research on the subject of rationalizing and justifying your feelings. Being able to cope with your feelings versus your mind will help you throughout your life.
Best to you

Raek,

I recommend the following book: StepWars Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe M.D. and Jean Lipman-Blument, PH.D. There isn't much information availabe for Adult Stepchildren. this book might be of some help to you. I feel for you, as it's not an easy situation. You are still so young, don't let what you have collapse completely. I know it's terribly painful and confusing and dad's lack of response makes it even more confusing. But it's the new reality in your life, educate yourself and march forward with your own life and try very hard to see any positive light you can. Obviously your stepmother isn't nuturing the situation and dad isn't helping you nagivate these trickly waters, but don't take it personally.

Guess what! I couldn't believe it, but my dad actually came out by himself for a visit! It was such a different/good time. It was so much more relaxed and just really easy. My brother, my Dad and I had a really wonderful time. There were some down spots, as at times I felt like I didn't have a whole lot to say to him, like we haven't really had a bond in so long, if ever, that it was hard to find things to talk about. At times I felt a little jealous because my brother had more one-on-one time with him growing up. They did guy things together, like football games, hunting and fishing and that sort of thing, and I felt a little left out when the conversation turned to that and I didn't feel as if I had any of the same one-on-one time with him. But all in all, it went really well. Perhaps this is a new beginning, and we can work on building that bond from now on.

I sent my stepmother tulips today. She should get them on Tuesday with a thank you note that said how much I appreciate the time she gave me with my Dad. I hope this will be a new start for the 2 of us as well and that we can both try to get rid of some of that resentment. I'm sure she resents the fact that she wasn't really welcome last weekend, but I hope the flowers will help. Wish me luck!

By the way, coolmamma, you noticed that I haven't posted much lately. I've been very busy. I had to get a ton of work done before my dad got here so that I wouldn't be working when he was in town. I guess that is the stress that goes with the territory of owning a business. It is so hard to take time off. It seems like things are slow when there is nothing going on, and then the moment you plan to do something and need to take the day of, all h*ll breaks loose!

Raek,I'am so happy for you!!! And how wonderful of you to send your stepmom flowers too...
Dont worry about not having much of a bond with your dad now,that will improve the more you get to see him.(Hopefully more,right?)It's just such a good start to be able to see him without your stepmom being there all the time.
Sometimes my husband cant think of things to say to his girls either...so he just makes alot of jokes and picks on them,LOL. Laughter is a great tension breaker.
Well,it warms my heart to know somebody on these forums is doing better and feeling happier. I hope it continues,and I hope you keep posting about it!