"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Not only is this true with kids, but when a parent is totally gone, the child can also fantasize about how wonderful the absent parent is. They can create the perfect parent in their mind if they want. I was 22 when I got together with my BF that had three kids. They were 1, 4 & 6. Their mom was on drugs and left and never came to see them but maybe once a year. I spent my 20's raising his kids without benefit of marriage and when it didn't work out, I was 29 and he wouldn't even let me talk to his kids anymore (unless I would come back to him). I had no legal rights. In a way, I spent my youthful years taking care of his kids while he worked on his career. (he went from a street deputy to detective Sergeant while I was with him, because my being there allowed him to work any shift and not worry about his kids) A house was purchased (in his name only) but I paid on it and helped with improvements but ended up walking away with nothing. (I sometimes think I was lucky to leave with my sanity intact) I get the impression that you think that you and he will have a wonderful little family, especially if the boy is calling you mom. I didn't think of that before gigglemonster said it, but if he is, I can certainly understand why BM would be jumping on you. I'm not saying she's right to, but I could understand that here's her little boy calling you mom and you are trying to make the family she was supposed to have with this 'prize' of a guy and not only that, but he's thinking the kid might forget about her. I'd be fighting mad too. My guess is that the mom is also fairly young, early 20's??? There's a lot of emotions and immaturity too that could be contributing to all the conflict. and I guarantee that she'd tell her little boy to stop calling you mom if he is. He is too young to understand why it's upsetting to anyone, he'd call you both mom if he loves you both... they don't know the difference or think about how the 'real' mom will feel. They are so innocent but that's being ruined by immature people that put him in the middle of all this conflict. I'm really sad for the little boy in this.

Don't waste your time ladies and gent.... She knows her BF is a deadbeat and she supports him. I wanted to say the same thing so badly. Life together, Quirk stated "you get to see how your partner parents. Not how they say they plan to parent, but how they actually do parent." Why are there not enough clues for you? It is all these types of things that happen over time you get to see and scrutinize to determine if this is the kind of person you want to plan a life with. What you are doing is deciding you want a deadbeat dad for your own child(ren); you are deciding that for your own children, you want not only a deadbeat dad but one who is emotionally abusive to them and to you; you are deciding you want a man who is so controlling you stay confused most of your life and there is no way you can possibly do anything right because he finds something wrong with everything (the subject of his daughter is only the tip of the iceberg); you are deciding you want a man who does not consider your time, your feelings, or your existence as a human being who deserves any kind of respect; you are deciding you want a man who use his passive/aggressive tactics to constantly keep you feeling guilty and make you think you are the one always in the wrong; you are deciding you want a man who will bad mouth you to your children, family, and friends. You are not special. You only fool yourself into thinking you are because you are the person with him and you just loooooove 'im. But when the two of you break up (unless you take his abuse for the rest of your life), you will see him do the exact same things he has done to his ex and his daughter. With each of your subsequent posts, you make clearer the things you stated prior. I don't know why we have to pull your teeth because some of the initial posts have lacked information we would need to in order to satisfy what you expect from us. They also made you look like the bad guy. A little of that part I still question but really think those circumstances were created out of your desperation to finally do something that pleases him - a man who cannot be pleased. But this is getting worse by the word. Sylviatexas had him pegged from the beginning. LOL I should have known better than to second guess her. There is nothing to figure. There is nothing to try an remedy. There is nothing to talk to him about to try to straighten out. The only thing for you to do is decide to stay (all the things you are deciding you want) or go. But that was never your question, was it? You already said you don't want to leave. Therefore, I hope you are able to eek out a happy life and smile through the misery.

I am in a similar situation except maybe a bit more complicated, who knows! I understand. Either way, you have to be understanding to all sides of the story, including that she is their mother and may not like you being a part of the children's lives like you want. But, if you and your man are going to make it work, eventually they will have to get to know you. As far as him...I understand that the way he is trying to deal with everything in his head is the right way (which it's not, but to him it is...for now), and you can't make him change. He needs to realize himself...that although it will be hard (more than hard or a bump in the road), that if it's you he wants to be with, he needs to focus on getting himself together as an individual and take a chance in not living with the children and realize he can have both, maybe not exactly how he wants...but it's a compromise. Basically, he has some things to figure out (and so do you). Will you always want to have to deal with his ex and everything that comes with her? Nomatter how much it seems like everything is in place, he is not...none of you are. It does take a toll on the children and I understand he wants to see them everyday and be in the same house and help financially, but where do each of you want to be next year...or say in 5 years? How long can this go on? I hope that it works out and soon. Believe me, I am not judging, just giving you things to think about that I know I have. I am only 23 but I feel I've been through quite a bit for my age. My man and I have been together off and on for 5 years, he is 33. Within those 5 years we have had other partners, he has gotten a divorce, had 3 children, I moved away and came back, and now he lives with his ex-wife...all the while she's known about me and wants me to have nothing to do with the children. Things have come a long way. We plan to get married and have children of our own and even move in soon, but with all the rollercoaster action in our past, we want to make sure everything is right before going to the next step. He is figuring out his life and so am I so we can become a union and bring God in our relationship.

Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18. I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her. I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true. Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened. Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.