DrPax, I am going to give you my personal opinion. I suggest you let your girlfriend read it and other posts on this site.

Here is a little background information. DH and I are in our mid 40s. I have no chilren and he has two, currently they are SS 21 and SD 25. Both step kids are very spoiled and have caused alot of problems in our relationship. We met 6 years ago and married 2 years ago. We fell deeply in love from the day we met. DH often said when the kids are adults there on their own. But that never truely happen. The step kids continue to demand alot of dads attention and money.

I am a independent, self suffient, no children woman, who likes to have fun. I wanted a partner who could go and do alot of fun things we like to do. However, the kids seem to interfere with many of our plans. They often think they are entitled to what DH and I have purchased together. They feel they can come into our home and use and do what ever they feel like. Now remember these are adult children. They often (including DH's ex) cause many conflicts with our plans and life. This is frustrating to me and has made me very unhappy. If I knew back then what I know now I would have never gotten involved in this situation.
I would recommend you do not try to seriously date at this point in your life. It sounds like you are too busy with children right now. A woman without children wants someone to do things with and wants a full time partner. Remember this is my opinion.

SunnyG,

Thanks very much for your opinion. I can understand the situation quite well. I agree staying out of dating for a while is a good idea. I will find sometime after the new year and talk with her. I will give her this site also, as you suggested. She, like many others here, seems really good-hearted...but the complications of step-parenting etc can stretch even the well-intentioned person.

Thanks again for your ideas -

rgds, D

My stepparenting experience has been very different from SunnyG's -- but nonetheless, my advice is the same.

Right now, your two kids need you very much. You don't have the time to devote a 'fair' portion to a love interest. Any time you give her without your kids will be 'taken' from them. And any time you give to her with your kids will be resented and fuel for conflict.

There's just no way your lady friend and your kids will both get what they need right now. And cutting off a newish relationship now is better than stunting the permanent one you will have with your kids.

I think your kids are old enough that dating for you should not be a problem. Yes,you have children,but you are human and have needs too.What good is an unhappy daddy?
However,it doesnt sound as though this woman is the one for you.You said she had no kids,but didnt mention her age.
Most people without kids dont have a clue.They think they can go across country at a moments notice (cuz they can) and seem confused as to why you cant.(I have single friends with no kids who have done this to me constantly)
If she is already saying you arent spending enough time with her and asking for unreasonable demands (the going out when you have to do kid's homework bit) Then it probably will not really improve down the road if things get more serious.
In order for this to work,she needs to understand that you have limitations,and respect them.Certainly a school night,even with a baby-sitter,is really not a good time for you to go out.
Why cant she come over to your place and spend some quiet time with you after the kids are in bed? Watch a movie,have a glass of wine...If she really likes you,she will adapt more to your schedule and not expect you to adapt to hers when your first priority is your kids.

drpax,
Too much too soon. Just because you may have met someone that lights your fires is no reason to set up camp.

Two months and the hunter is coming up with solutions on how to bag you. Stick to your guns.

drpax,
She offered you a babysitter, but has she ask to meet your children? She wants to do things with you alone, does she realize your now part of a package deal? You said its been recently that you took custody, were you dating her prior to this? If thats the case Id say its better to end the relationship. She started dating a single man and now that your not she dosent seem to get it, shes still asking you to spread yourself thin to please her.
As for dating (whoever you choose) should be done carefully when you have kids. But there is nothing wrong with meeting a "friend" on an outting with the kids. (movies, skating, picnic) as long as the adults act as just "friends" . Kids need to know that Daddy is an adult and enjoys adult company the same way they enjoy the company of other kids. I feel the younger the child the easier this is, if you wait till they are older they will be used to you being with them and ONLY them...try to break them of that one and see the fur fly!
Also, if your intrested in someone, before you take that next step, have a few "friend" outtings. If you pay attention you will quickly be able to spot someone who will not fit into your family. Best of Luck!

Hi,

Thanks very much for all your responses and advice. I will try to answer most of your questions as much as I can.

First, my lady friend and I have not been in relationship before custody of the kids. Re meeting the kids, she left the timing/circumstances at my discretion. Just before Xmas, she came to visit me and met the kids. I just introduced her as a friend to Daddy, and we behaved as friends in the presence of the kids. The kids don't know more than that and don't ask any more questions. So, she's met the kids only twice - before Xmas and on Xmas day to present them with gifts.

My feelings of uncertainty are also related to the fact that I am also grieving from a 3yr relationship that just ended around September (2 months before this new relationship begun), hence the rebound effect. During that 3yr period, due to long distance nature of our relationship, my GF only met my kids briefly only twice. My GF and I began living together in the winter 2006, and the kids joined us only 5 months later. They lived with us for only 6 weeks before we separated.

The circumstances leading to this separation was painful. Without going into details, my former girlfriend wanted me to make a choice between the kids and herself. When I had to hurriedly respond to my kid's abuse abuse allegations and leave the country to respond to them, she claimed I had abandoned her in the US and went on to lie that she was pregnant (while I was away). She refused to go for prenatal checkup, despite my repeated promptings. When she realized it was time for me to return to the US, she suddenly called and informed me that she had a miscarriage, and that she decided to call me AFTER she had allegedly returned from the hospital, because she did not want to bother me and my kids with her problems. She went further to tell lies on them, and generally unable to separate issues between herself and myself. Basically, she claimed I should not expect any favors (e.g., cooking for kids, being nice to them, since those are marital rights. And until we marry, I shouldn't expect any of these from her).

Given the emotional and physical abuse the kids suffered in the hands of their BioMom, I could not see them go through another emotional trauma, hence I had to let my GF go (essentially, kick her out - it was a very painful). My kids still remember the image of my GF, ignoring them, refusing to talk to them, etc, during the last few weeks of our relationship. I still miss some of our times together, because I really loved her very much. Thus, there is a rebound effect, and also fear of the unknown, and fear of hurting the kids (maybe too much of it).

When my current GF and I met shortly after separation from my ExGf, I just needed a friend at the time. I explained this to her that I might not be too ready. Well, we ended up being more than just friends. Now, I am in the relationship, but still feel a bit empty. Am in love....not really. I like my friend as a friend. Maybe there is too much on my plate to devote time to intense emotional love issues. For now, I enjoy her company, but also feel scared of drawing her too close.

So, this gives some more context. Sorry this ended up being longer than I expected.

Rgds, DrPax

DrPax-

I am one to always suggest sticking it out, but with this one I am reluctant to do so. I'll give you a bit of my background to explain my reason.

My father was a single dad from when I was 8 and my sister 10. I ended up marrying a single father. My heart goes out to you in many ways. Here are my thoughts:

1. Looking back, my father was an emotional basket case for two years after my mother. He wasnt there for us, checked out emotionally and traveled as much as he could for work. So I give you immense props for being there for your children. Post-trauma is when you need your "available" parent the most, I speak from experience.

2. Take care of yourself. You are still a man and dads need some adult TLC too! My father took care of us, went through many nannies before finding the "right" one (thatÂs an entirely different story), and then he began going out. That took 2 years, and by then, my sister had become queen bee, i.e. very territorial. So by the time he began feeling up to dating again, no woman was ever good enough and she was a nightmare (IÂve always been more mild tempered on that front)! Our children see us only as parents, so they donÂt get that we need to go out too. So, take time for yourself and let them know that. You are always there for them, but you need to be there for yourself too and they need to know that.

3. Single fathers are a great but extremely delicate category of human beings if you ask me. My now husband was so famished for affection, was so eager to love, but was so overwhelmed by everything concerning his children. It took much patience on both his and my part to find a balance with his childrenÂs demands and both of our needs as a romantic couple. If I can compare it to anything, it was like dating long distance, where you want to be with the person all the time, but you just canÂt Maybe, because I saw it with my father, I was willing to wait. But I also knew that being patient would pay off because I knew that I had fallen for a great guy.

4. When I first started dating my now husband, I did so much research with books and websites, I talked to any bio and step parent I could, but nothing (and I mean NOTHING, not even the blended family I was born into) prepared me for the actual reality of marrying with children (and I have it really good compared to most). The odds are against us second timers; but I truly believe it can be done. But if youÂre not ready, youÂre just not ready. Hence, point number one with a corollary, take good care of yourself. With your last post, it really sounds like you know what you need/want.

5. The "friend" introduction made me giggle. My father did the same thing, and we ALL knew that his friend was a Friend. Family dates worked best for my husband and myself and all the children. We went bowling, out to dinner, to the movies, brought the dogs for walks and by the end of it, it was OK. I was DadÂs girlfriend, and that was that. I then went to the house, and once I hung out with the children without my husband (I was a mess by the end of it!). My father was and still is so reserved and stiff when it comes to emotional things, but I just wished he had been more open and honest with all of us kids (bio and none). I knew what was going on, but my sister suffered tremendously for the lack of communication. She still calls it dishonesty, but my father just didnÂt know how else to handle it.

Can I condemn my father? Can I condemn my husband for wanting to take it REALLY slowly when I was ready to marry him the day I met him? No. I have much empathy for both as I do for you and really, any single parent out there. Your girlfriend sounds like a well-intentioned person, but if you arenÂt ready, you just arenÂt, and there is nothing to it other than that. If she is willing to take the time, then I wish you all the best, but maybe you need more time to get on your two feet, no?

DrPax,
It sounds like you have been put thru a terrible time. Even if you didnt have custody I would say that you need sometime to get back on your feet. But when you add in the children and how they were treated I can see why your reluctant about getting involved. My advice would be to go with your heart... be honest with your GF and dont worry about hurting her feelings... you already have enough to be responsible for. Although she may be hurt, if she is a caring person she will understand and remain your friend.

Given what your children have been through, and how new your custody is...IMO, you need to put your love life on hold for "several years" and be the parent your children need you to be. You did the right thing to end the relationship with the ex-girlfriend...the last thing any of you needed was someone like her. Devote what little free time you have to being a great dad to your children. Just read this step parent forum, and when you have finished, read it again...and you will see the struggles so many face as step families. You may solve the problem of lonliness...but at what cost? Just reading this forum, and you will see how tough things can get. If you find some friends in your situation, you can support and help each other out. It can be someone to do things with when you just need adult company, without all of the problems that re-marriage within a stepfamily can bring. Anyway, IMO it is just waaayyy to soon to start bringing girlfriends/relationships into this situation. I know you must be overwhelmed. Take it one day at a time. If you can put together a group of single parents like yourself who are not in relationships, and build friendships where you can count on each other, I think it will help with those times you just plain need help. And you will. We all do.

I think alldogslover said it best,that was some great advice!

Hi,

Alldogslover: thanks very much for your very specific advice. Indeed, you couldn't have expressed it any better. I understand the need for time; the need to takes kids interest into consideration, and the need for patience on the part of my intended partner. Above all, i think it is going to take a rather long road, and I am prepared to wait. The Nanny search: tell me about it. I am going to interview one high school kid today. And interview another backup, just in case. Once I have nannies lined up, i think i can devote more time to my career, and be able to sneak out to the office during the weekend for some productive work. Thanks for the tip.

I have one question though - what is it about girls raised by single dads growing up to marry another single-dad. my sample is not that big, but I've read about a number of women in such circumstances on this site, and met some. And also one of my college students (raised by a single-dad) seemed to want to get closer to me (call it a crash?) over last semester. Of course, ethics and other considerations prevented that.

Goingbonkers, Bnice and CoolMama: you all reiterated some of my own thoughts and inclinations re taking *long time* for yourself. I am now 42.5yrs. When my ex and I divorced several years ago,I use to joke to friends that I will marry when I turn 50 (when my daughter is off to college, etc). If so, i have another 7 odd years to go. Hopefully, Ms. LURC (Love, Understanding, Right and Convenient)will come. Well, is it deja vu? In the meantime, some platonic adult family company will help fill in the gap and find interesting activities to share with the kids.

I spoke to my GF during the holidiay break, and she seems to understand my time limitations, and indicated her desire to work with it. I will have an honest talk with her about my feelings too.

Thanks very much for the advice.

Rgds, DrPax

DrPax.
I'll try and be as brief as possible since I got a bit carried away last time.

NANNY SEARCH: Since my father traveled a lot for work (1-2 weeks every month or two), he really looked for someone older than your average babysitter. It took some time, and many different women came and went for a while, bubt in the end we found her and to this day I love her very much.

"SINGLE DAD SYNDROME": I married a single dad more by "chance" than by seeking out a single dad. That said, my brother married a single mom. My sister and all my married step-siblings married single people. One of them is single by choice... not sure you can really draw any conclusions, but I am amused. I think people that have positive experiences of blended families or who are more empathic than your average person, view children from a previous relationship as less threatening. That said, my brother was called corageous when he married his wife and her son; I was called insane because I was marrying "a few" more kids!!!

I wish you all the best. You truly sound like a terrific dedicated father; perhaps that's what's drawing all the attention! I know my father had all the ladies squealing.... and he is the most reserved and stiff person I have met around women, definitely no lady's man, at least not by choice.

Be well.