Dating a single dad - any advice?

20 years ago

Hi everyone,

I have been going out with a single dad for the last couple of months. His daughter is four, and lives with her mother and her partner a day's drive away by car.

It is great to find this forum and see some of the advice given. But I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience to me.

My boyfriend misses his daughter terribly and he can only see her every second weekend. Because I haven't had a child yet I know I can't understand this pain. But I'd like to know how to help him when he feels sad (if that is possible?) He is a great father

Any advice? Or general advice?

Thanks

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Comments (3)

Vivian Kaufman
20 years ago
Been here, done this, and FWIW there isn't much you can do about the situation. He's going to miss his girl and that's that. You can try to cheer him like you would any other person who is feeling badly, but its'a BIG hurt that won't go away no matter what you do. I get it, and our kids only live 5 minutes away and we see them a lot.

Be prepared though, that you will be going through this a lot if you wish to continue the relationship--and it doesn't usually get better--just becomes something you deal with.
brennafly
20 years ago
I've been dating a single dad for just over a year now, his 5.5 y.o. son and ex live about 3 hours away. My BF has had to go through some nasty (and is still somewhat going through) custody issues and now finally has access to his son's medical, school and other official records, is one of the emergency contacts for his son, and is *supposed* to get him one weekend a month. So thank your lucky stars that you don't have to deal with a psycho ex (i'm assuming she's not crazy, since you didn't mention her and the visitation seems to go smoothly). Trust me, having a SO's ex who hates him and is jealous of you is horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That said, it's still a difficult situation whenever there are kids involved. Realize that his daughter is the most important thing in his life. You're important too (he wouldn't be dating you otherwise), but she comes first. Sounds like an obvious, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when your weekend plans get cancelled for the bazillionth time because his kid is unexpectedly coming over. I love my BF's son and truly enjoy spending time with him (and vice versa), but sometimes it's just plain hard putting myself second.
Also, don't force a relationship with his daughter. This one was hard for me since BF and I live together and I LOVE kids. Kids need time to develop their own relationship with you and you're never going to be her mother, even if you and BF get married. Do stuff with her, have fun together, be someone she can grow to care about, but don't try and rush things or replace anyone in her life.
Talk with your BF about your role in his daughter's life. Make sure you're both clear on boundaries, with each other and her. I live with my BF, so my relationship is more of a stepmom relationship than you might have, but you have to know if he's comfortable with you telling his daughter "no" when she does something wrong, and if you're comfortable with it. The big thing is just to communicate and be on the same page with him where the kids are concerned.
Dating my BF is one of the best things that ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade our little family for anything (although, I might send his ex to Kazakhstan or something). It is hard sometimes trying to balance our relationship with his relationship to his son and trying to figure out where exactly I fit in, but trust your instincts and TALK about anything you're not sure about with your BF. It's a lot of fun having a kid around!
Good luck!
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brass_tacks
20 years ago
reve,
You asked, "....how to help him when he feels sad", I would suggest you let him feel sad if he wants to. Go about your business. You are not a part of him feeling sad, are you? He is feeling sad because it helps him. You may not understand and that's ok. Just respect the idea that you are not all that he needs. Sometimes we have to spend some time feeling sad about things--some people might stay sad for so long that the world goes by and they're not in it, and that's going beyond healthy sadness.

One of the best things you can do for another person is listen--don't talk, just listen. You don't have to have any answers, and you don't have to agree--just listen. (Being a good listener will also give you the advantage of deciding if you want a particular relationship to advance.)

I suggest you buy a real good book about the stages that children go through. Learn, learn, learn about communicating with a child. Learn, learn, learn and discuss what you learn with the father. This man you are dating may find these kind of discussions very helpful and you will be giving yourself an edge for the future. These kind of discussions will be helpful in many ways--I don't have to elaborate, right?

Lastly, if you just happen to be one of these people who loves a challenge--find another challenge.

Dating a single dad - any advice?

Comments (3)

Vivian Kaufman

brennafly

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