Have you been to family counseling? Do you make sure that you & she have plenty of quality 'alone' time together during the weeks when he is gone? Is he pushing discipline too fast? He sounds like a really good guy and my hunch is he's not being overbearing or doing anything wrong. It's probably just wierd for her to adjust between seeing her own dad and then seeing him, also the fact that his schedule is a bit wierd and highly 'concentrated' in terms of when he's home. Maybe she perceives that when he arrives on the weekends and you (understandably) want to have a lot of private time with him b/c you don't see him all week, that she may feel ignored on the weekends. If that's so (or she perceives that it's so), then there needs to be more balance: give her some more attention on the weekends, or maybe he needs to adjust his schedule. If he can't, then there needs to be other ways of 'levelling out' or balancing the differences (whatever they happen to be) between the weekdays and the weekends. I can tell you this: if a child from a divorced family bonds with a parent's new partner, it is usually felt much more strongly than anyone is aware of b/c they are deep-down looking for that feeling of safety and stability and "complete family" that was ruptured with the divorce. And she might be vulnerable to feeling like it's an abandonment each time your guy leaves for the week... and then she may feel abandoned by YOU if you give him all your attention on the weekends. So this would naturally make her somewhat confused, insecure, and torn as to what to feel. She loves you both (and, not to mention, she loves her father who lives elsewhere), but feels these mixed feelings, which creates tension. Add to that the fact that she's a kid, loaded with energy, and it comes out in hissy fits. So again, if your guy can't change his schedule, then there needs to be more of a 'balance' on the emotional level between when he's there vs. when he's not there. If possible, you should try family counseling (in a positive, upbeat frame of mind as opposed to dragging tail into there all serious like The Biggest Problems in The Whole Wide World are happening), and I'd also suggest that your guy take plenty of time and wait on being any kind of disciplinarian until the overall situation is more stable and your daughter has settled comfortably into new school, new house, new friends, etc.

not to point fingers, but is there any chance her dad has something to do with her new attitude toward BF?

I was thinking just what JNM said. Would her father talk badly about your new boyfriend to secure his "dad" role in her life and make sure she does not like the new guy too much??

Also, is it possible that she is going through her "reprogramming phase" as I call it. What I mean by that is just adjusting from spending so long at her dads home and then coming back to your home? Two different houses probably have different rules and routines and she may just be adjusting to being back in your home. This may have nothing really to do with your boyfriend at all.

I would let her know that this new behavior will not be tolerated and praise the good behavior. See if it improves in a few weeks. And like the others said make sure your getting plenty of quality time with her and make sure your boyfriend is using his time with her to develop that bond and not trying to discipline. For now I would say you should be the only one disciplining or she may grow to resent him.

She may also be upset that his kids spent the summer with you and she didn't. She may have jealousies/insecurities that she wasn't included or that she 'missed out' on the summer fun with you while his kids enjoyed it. It also seems that she has never spent much more than weekends with your BF and there is going to be adjustments. I agree her dad may have influenced her but I also think she might have these feelings all on her own too.

It would be important to let her know that you understand her feelings and it's okay to feel that way but the behavior is NOT ok. Help her find ways to express her feelings with writing or drawing, etc. Spending alone time with her is also important as well as avoiding any physical contact with your boyfriend that might make her uncomfortable. Eventually, it would be good for kids to see healthy loving affection between the parent(s)/stepparent, but during a transition phase when their emotional and may not even know why they are feeling these things, it can make things worse. My stepdaughter has interpreted my holding dad's hand as that I am pushing her away from him. Likewise, she said that her mom's BF 'pushed her away' from her mom so HE could sit next to her during a movie. (she actually said that the boyfriend told her "I get to sit next to your mom, you don't". I have never pushed her away from her dad and I don't believe her mom's BF did that either, I think that's how she feels and interprets it. When we go somewhere, I let her hold dad's hand. I let her sit next to dad. I want her insecurity to go away and hopefully she will eventually get over it.

The girl is 8, and adjusting to a new home, new living situation, new rules, new school. Everything is different.

I would be totally amazed and shocked if she werent acting out somewhat. I think she is probably conflicted. She likes the new home, new family, new school, etc, but she feels guilty about liking it because of the old. Its possible that she is acting out because she likes your boyfriend, and feels guilty because that feels disloyal to her father to you. It doesnt mean her father is badmouthing anyone, although he may be. THis is a normal 8 year old reaction to a new stepfamily situation. Part of this is testing you, to see if they can be bad enough that it will drive the new person away. They dont really want that to happen, but they are insecure about it, and so must test it.

One of my kids, who was 8 when my husband and I married, went through something very similar. We had family counselling, with all the kids together. What the therapist, a licensed psychologist told us, was just about what I posted in the paragraph above. He suggested we not over react, we not punish for bad behaviour, but we should not react by insisting on talking about it or making a big deal out of the child when he was misbehaving either. Our family "shunned" the 8 year old by keeping interaction with him to a minimum when he was acting out, and then acted totally normal when he stopped the behaviour. It got worse for about a week, and then it started to get better. The child realized we loved him, we were a family now and that wasnt going to change, and that he had a treasured place in that family. It took three weeks to stop it after the first week, and then we had sporadic incidents for about two years, on a rare basis. I would say of all my kids, that 8 year old has turned out to be the best adjusted, most pleasant child of them all, and the easiest teen - go figure.

Give it time. It takes about six months for most kids to settle into a new school, even in an intact family. She is under a lot of pressure right now.

I would be very very careful not to punish her very much for this acting out. The last thing you want is her to think that this new living situation means she will be in trouble all the time. Talking to her about her feelings, in a conversational tone, rather than a confrontational one, at a time when she is not acting out, may help you understand what she is feeling better, and you can ask her what you can do to help her feel better. Dont critisize her or tell her that she is wrong for what she feels. And dont try to explain to her why what she feels is wrong. Communication is the best friend you have right now. If you can keep it open and honest, and allow her to feel the grief she is feeling, then this will resolve itself. If you insist she just get over it and stop it, you are in for a rougher road.

I have read all the responses and I have made copies and showed them to BF. This is the hardest "parenting thing" that I have ever done with my daughter. She has always been very flexible, and I have always been the stable parent. It is normal to feel like I have done the wrong thing for all of us? If I allow this behavior, then my daughter "wins" in having me to myself, because if she wasn't mine I can't say I would stay around and allow the behavior. I am ultimatley the loser if this behavor isn't dealt with correctly. My daughter is the most important.., and I know through positive encouragement and also consequences for her actions, that this can be a positive transition. I know that my daughters dad doesn't help things out. I know he is unfair with his words to her. I am the one left picking up the pieces.. it is just so very frustrating. We have talked with my daughter and starting a Positive jar...she earns jelly beans and when it is full she gets to do something that she wants to do fun..Also with that she have consequnces for the bad behavior... it being the 1st time is a warning the 2nd she loses the toys she loves for 1 day. The second time it is 2 days..ect... Any more advice you guys have would be great. I like most want to have a peaceful household, a fun family... I hope that I am not living in a dream world.