First off, 23 is too young to be stepmom to 5 kids. You're already hurt and resentful: "and i've been ok with that but i hate being in the shadow." With 5 kids, you will ALWAYS be in the shadow.

"and probably he wont get to see his kids for a couple of months but i think this whole situation is really unfair for me, because at the end im the one left out."

No, this is really unfair to his 5 kids who won't get to have their father for MONTHS. He is forced to dance to their tune at this point. You have to live with that.

"i don't know what to do about this and it has me wondering if probably im in the wrong relationship."

Go with your gut, and if you have any doubts, read through this forum. There is NO way a 23 year old is ready to take on the responsiblities of stepparenting 5 kids. It's extremely HARD to be a stepparent, and you would not know this if you have never even met his children. Read, read, read,.....and realize that you will always take a backseat to those children.

It sounds like you're in for some serious decision making. I'm 24 married to a 36 year old with 2 kids (7 and 5) We've been married for 2+ years and lived together for a year and a half before that (I had just turned 20 when we moved in together. Vivian is completely right when she says that is extremely hard to be a step parent. I was ready to take on 2, so perhaps you are ready as well...however, remember that you would have been younger than the oldest child is, when she was born...There will likely be some 'issues' related to that...also if he's anticipating losing contact with his kids if he introduces you, you need to understand that that could last a lot longer than a "couple of months". When My DH's ex figgured out that I was a 'permanent fixture' in DH's life, she completely cut him off from all contact with his kids. (It's been 3.5 YEARS). If your bf's ex decides to take this stance, there is nothing you can do to stop her...she will drain all your (or his) money with court costs and lawyers fees. She will break his heart, and he will mourn his children everyday for as long as she choses not to let him see them. She will smear his name, and try to wreck his credibility by phoning his employers or customers, and having the police phone his employers. She will file complaints with the police for no reason, except to be miserable. If she can, she will even get him charged with criminal acts. Even if she never takes it to that extreme, you need to understand that even though they may be divorced, if you live with/marry him, you will be 'married' to her as well for likely the next 15 years (until the youngest is 21). Like it or not, she will have the power to wreck his mood, or change your plans with a single phone call. (And she will, just because she can.) Are you prepared to deal with that?

If your bf has already told you that his kids will always come first, you need to decide if you're really prepared for that as well. You need to seriously think of all the implications of that statement. (Read the other posts on this forum).

For me, it has been the right decision. DH is a truely good man. All the garbage that his ex has put us through, and will continue to put us through, is worth putting up with because of him. However I am second to noone. We agreed on that right at the start. I understand his need to be with his kids and as such have always tried to encourage him in the fight for his kids...(don't worry dear...we don't need to go on holidays...send the cheque to the lawyer) and he knows that I am open to the prospect of having them with us full time (if we ever get the chance). I made a commitment to love them and treat them like my own, and for the brief time when we did get to see them, I did. The commitment we made to each other, to put the other first, was because I believe that if you commit to working on your relationship with your partner, and putting that relationship first, then the kids will benefit because they will be a part of a stable loving relationship. If the kids always come first, and your partner second, then eventually the 'warm fuzzies' will fade and the relationship will break down. The kids will utimately suffer because their world will (once again) be torn apart. They need stability. That stability comes from a happy home (or homes, as the case may be.) (I don't think that you have to take the second place to the kids, but for many it often seems to happen that way.)

Just something to think about.
For me, it was the right decision (and I was younger than you, though not as many kids). Ultimately, it's your decision, but weigh it seriously. Consider talking with bf and letting him know that if you're going to move in together, you'ld like to get to know the kids first. It's a reasonable request. If he's unwilling to consider it then you will need to find out why.
Good Luck.
Verena

Thank you for the advice! My BF is an amazing guy, he is really great with his kids and a great boyfriend. I am looking forward moving in with him, and meeting the kids and being part of the kids lives even though the word "stepmom" scares me just the word, not the fact!. Anyway He doesn't have join custody, the court awarded him "long distance visitation" he gets them every weekend now after he got transfered from Ohio to DC and he drives back to OHio every weekend to see them, but after he moves back to ohio he will have them every other weekend and few hours tuesdays and thursdays (court agreement). They don't bother me at all, i knew he had 5 kids since the day i met him, i knew he lives for his kids and everything, i knew his ex wife is a psycho and she makes his life a living hell whenever she's having a bad day. He had a previous relationship before ours that lasted about 3 years and the kids really liked her and even though his ex wife hated that she then got over it. I know i want to be with him, and i support him on everything regarding with his kids, I just hope that when they meet me they get to like me and that his ex gets over the fact that i exist. I hate to be in the agony of the "what if.."
Thank you for letting me vent

Gah! Meycita, were you even listening? You SHOULD be scared.

I'm warning you now, do NOT move in with him. This is a mistake. I can see the writing on the walls. You need a reality check. Time to do some really tough, cold, calculated decision making. Do you want children of your own? A man who already has 5 kids may not be your best bet to father more. The financial strain of child support must be incredible. Plus there are other expenses that child support does not cover.

He may be a good guy, but he comes with a LOT of stuff--probably too much for even a very mature 23 year old girl to handle.

i knew his ex wife is a psycho and she makes his life a living hell whenever she's having a bad day

And when you are all in Ohio ... she'll be able to make your life a living hell too.

I posted this earlier in a different spot, but Ithink this will give you some insight into some of the issues that arise...let alone having 5 sk to deal with....oh my!
I stumbled upon this site by chance...ironically I can relate to so many postings.
I have been in a marriage for 5 years now. I am a biological mother of 3 and a stepmother to 1 son. I can tell you this much, you don't have to nor can you force yourself to love your sk, however, you need to love your spouse or mate. Because I love him, I tell him the tough stuff people often neglect to say out of fear or a false sense of character. My stepson resides primarily with us and to be honest I don't enjoy him at all. I am selfish and I can be jealous. My husband has been abused by the biological mother in many ways. This child was held from him and literally hid for 2 months. Partly this situation occured because we are a biracial couple and the biological mother felt that this man was choosing to live with me and my children instead of living alone and being at her beck and call whenever she said, "your child needs you" in addition, the child is a direct product of his environment and the process of redirection and deprograming has become a challenge and the effects this little child he is 8 has on my own children is terrible. So, I treat him like he is a guest and I know eventually he will leave. He came into our life much later in our marriage as the mother literally dropped him off with a "here he is" attitude and decided to make the man accountable. I am not mean or negative and I maintain that my positive influence will eventually rub off, but I feel this child is his mothers has been for his entire life and now she wants accountability in addition to money, (which we have and will continue to pay) She can have him back and he wants to go back....most women don't want another woman raising their child, in addition, we filed for support since he now resides with us. Love your husband, discuss your feelings, remember how you would feel if the sk was your own, and remember they won't live with you forever because eventually they will be as sick of you as you are of them...and you will grow to care for them as they will for you and life goes on...if you truly love the man it will all work out...just be honest and try to deal with the many emotions that are generated from drama, jealousy, resentment. I am not crazy I have lived this for some time. My husband is a great man who has overcome many obstacles. He is a hard-worker a tremendous stepdad and a loving husband. He has gone from gang related violence to an elder in our church. He is devoted to God and his family. I realize my words may seem harsh but this story is one of great love and trials...we still continue to grow and struggle but somehow for years we have maintained. Remember he or she is a child and they didn't have a choice in this matter, however, and I know this will get some people put your marriage first and kids second without strong stability in your marriage, the children will sense the weakness and some will use it to gain control. We are women of strong direction and influence we can make or break a family...often times we hold the stuff together....if it's too much don't do it.

Meycita is not listening. Meycita won't listen. Meycita is a goof. I hope Meycita doesn't come here crying--boo hoo, look what happened to me! I hope Meycita is as marketable after a few years of having her self-esteem take a terrific hit.

Ahhhh--the bravery of youth (not!)!!!

Best not to marry this guy. His comment to you that his kids come first is backward and wrong. In any marriage, the spouses must put each other first, or the kids will not have the right example to follow. They should not be taught that they are the center of the universe! Also, he is delaying your meeting because he's afraid of his ex. Not good. All this will only get worse with time, not better. You are young... find a nice guy who wants to put you first and start a family with him.

meycita,

After reading both your posts, the picture i get of you is you skipping in a meadow in the bright sunshine heading for a cliff.
You are too young and inexperienced to realize what you are getting yourself into. One or two stepkids are hard to handle..but 5! Being a stepmother is a very very hard job. You are young and will also want to have a child or two. That alone will take balance and then to have to juggle the emotions of the 'other ' woman the ex. You are opening pandoras box and you are not ready to handle it!
You have come to this forum seeking advice and you have basically blown everyone away.
Well, in the end, its your life. Your decision. Do you what you must. But do not look back and say that you were not warned from many woman who are living this life.

Run. Do not look back.

Read the step parent forum from beginning to end. When you have finished...take a break for a few weeks, and them read it again.