Wow, 30 years of bad feelings. Maybe you should have told her how you felt years ago. If your dad doesn't want you to, then don't. He probably doesn't want extra drama since he has decided to divorce her. If you still feel a need for closure, let her have it after the divorce.

I am so sorry for your treatment and your payment, but agree, let Dad proceed on divorce. Even then, I dont think a letter would accomplish anything. This woman likely thinks she is perfect. If you are still angry, which I understand, you should think about seeing a therapist to help you get over the anger. Good luck.

I say write that letter. Writing it in itself may be therapeutic. But do not give sm the letter. It will only cause more drama through your fathers divorce.

wait until the divorce. don't write anything yet.
I am wondering though if your dad knew all along how she treated you, did you ever tell him, did he ever notice (he must since even your brother did). why did he allow this treatemnt for 30 years? it is good he is divorcing her but why waiting so many years and letting you to become so traumatized? unless of course she never did in front of him...

I agree with mom2emall...write the letter but don't send it.
It'll help get the anger out. I've written letters to my husbands ex and never sent them just to vent the rage I felt over the emotional abuse she put her children and my husband through...and What a shame that there are SM's out there who behave so despicably and give SM's in general such a bad reputation. Really, what do some men think when picking a mate for the second time? Wouldn't you think they'd be just a tad more selective?

You're old enough now to realize that all of us are deeply flawed -- clearly, your StepMom more than others. She probably genuinely did want a little girl to love and treat like a daughter, and no doubt, you disappointed her in some innocent childish way (muddy shoes on her clean floor?, a "yuck" response to her meatloaf?), leading to her first 'slam', your first 'hurt', then a downward spiral of escalating hurts and defensive withholding of affection. I'm certainly not defending her Olduvai -- just saying that she's human. Fallible. Weak. Judgemental.

You've made a successful life for yourself with a husband, two wonderful children, and a strong relationship with your father. Comparatively, she has so little, and will have to live with her own 'smallness' for the rest of her life.

I agree with the others -- Write the letter, but don't mail it. Continue to edit your letter until you are able to find understanding and forgiveness within your heart. Then, you probably won't even need to send it.

I would just write her off and not bother with pursuing closure. But if you feel that it's important, I wouldn't send a letter just yet.

Aside from potentially complicating whatever is going on, your father is talking about divorce, but they're not divorced yet. They could reconcile. If she has possession of a letter like what you're describing and he returns to her, she could use the letter against you. I wouldn't hand her something like that until I knew for sure that it wasn't going to give her power.

That's also why I would give her a gift this year. Not a very personal gift, but something. That way, it can't come back to haunt you if they reconcile. The fact that your father is saying to still give her something indicates to me that there's some ambivalence on his part about how things are going to turn out. I wouldn't count on anything until the divorce actually goes through.

I agree with everything said here. Write the letter, keep it, don't give it to her just yet but save it for the right moment (which, btw, may never come...)

Also a good point about wait until until the divorce is a done deal. About 4 years ago, my father confided in me privately that he was seriously considering ending it with the woman who at that time had been his girlfriend for 15 years. He said he felt like he could no longer take her selfishness and her at times caustic put-downs and other vile stuff that came out of her mouth. For him to confide this in me, his daughter, was slightly more personal than he had ever shared with me, and I knew he was very seriously thinking about it. Two years later he gets diagnosed with lung cancer. About two HOURS after the diagnosis, she's pushing marriage. A year after that (after a major surgery scare), she gets him to marry her and she is now officially my "stepmother". She now has my surname forever & ever (or at least until she marries some other guy) and even now that my Dad has passed away, I still have to deal with her, and she's still making it as hard as freaking possible. The last year of my Dad's life, I managed to have a few really good moments/occasions with him, but she made the whole thing a constant uphill battle in which I spent so much more energy than anyone should "playing defense" to ensure that she would not succeed in cutting me out of his life forever, try as she did to make me look like a horrible daughter and person at every conceivable opportunity. And because he was in many ways dependent on her after he got sick, he ended up defending her and most often acting as though he forgot his own (numerous) complaints about her. But he never did forget entirely, and on occasion, when he and I were alone, he would let me know that and tell me how much he loved me and what a great person he thought I was and how proud he was of me, etc. Still, some of those moments of being made to feel like The Outsider Whose Visit is a Barely-Tolerated Probationary Trial Period felt like pure hell...

So in my Dad's case, he was scared of being all alone with cancer, too weak to resist her control, and also perhaps he realized he could overlook some of the flaws he found in her b/c cancer made some of it perhaps look minor in comparison. No doubt he still had some feelings of love for her, too. Who knows... but my point is we all can vascillate when it comes to break-ups, and then extenuating circumstances can pop up and you'll wind up having to deal with the woman for a lot longer than you expect after hearing your Dad talk "divorce"... and it may even be worse b/c of the defensiveness factor you'll then have to deal with. Just psychologically prepare yourself for the possibility. And by all means do not give the woman nay ammunition. Choose your words and pick your battles very, very carefully if you want to ensure you and your Dad remain close.

wow, all of this sounds realy awfull. I also agree that you should not send a letter to her untill devorce is final. You never know, they may patch it up and then there is more dram instead of less. Stay as far away from their relashionship as you can. This is just a loose - loose for you.

If they do get a devorce and you still feel torn, and it is normal that you would then go ahead. I would write it out a couple of times and then sit on it for awiel and then edit again be very very sure before you send it.

The bottom line here is that harboring resentment is harder on you then it is on her. I am sure that you feel that you have your reasons for feeling this way. One thing that has helped me is the realization that forgiveness dosn't have to be all or nothing and you can get to forgiveness - for your own sake - sometimes you can forgive someone based on what you learned, how you grew from the experience. Of course you would never say this to them, but for yourself you can find peace by acknowldging what you have learned from the experience she but you through. As an example: you learned how hurtfull it is to a child to hear desparaging things about them so now you can take care with your own children.
take care.

I agree with those who recommend writing that letter, and not sending it. Sometimes just putting it down on paper can prove to be highly cathartic. While writing, imagine you're transferring all that anger and pain out of your head, and onto the paper. Keep writing until you've gotten it all out, and then take that paper you've transfered all your anger onto, and throw it in the garbage, closing the lid, to symbolize your closure.

Hope you got her a really nice, appropriate christmas present, oh, like, a really nice pair of walking shoes so she can move fast enough to keep that screen door from hitting her backside on the way out?

Sounds like she's been torturing herself with some kind of jealousy towards you. Relationships between mothers and daughters are often rocky. Between SM's and SD's, you can expect something even worse.

At this point, he's divorcing her. I wouldn't feel the need to have any further contact with her. What good would the letter do?

I would probably go to a therapist for a couple of sessions and unload the 30 years. One or two therapy sessions would probably make you feel better and the therapist won't retaliate or talk bad about you behind your back. (also, what if your dad doesn't go through with the divorce?)