Is she kidding? I can't believe this woman thought a conversation about your dad's sexual prowess was appropriate. It's bad enough that she was trying to get you to agree with her that your dad is better suited to her than he was to your mom, but to hold up as an example thir explosively good sex? I don't know how you sat there and didn't just tell her to shut up.

I would never say to my two SSs that my marriage to their father is so much better than his marriage to their mother. They have actually said that both dad and mom are happier with their second spouses. Obviously - they got divorced for a reason. But your parents' marriage didn't end because they were unhappy with each other - it ended because your mom died.

I think your assessment about your SM is spot on. She is mentally ill. I am surprised that you learned about this incident. Did your dad share this with you? If so, how could he not have thought she was nuts when he heard it from her?

She is a nut.

I totally agree with you.

Very strange behavior.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but really...holding a grudge is ridiculous and immature.

Not sure how you can repair this.

P

I learned about this incident not from my dad but from a family friend to whom my stepmother related the incident.

I doubt she's ever told him about this and I'm musing about whether to tell him of my knowledge of her reaction to it. Our relationship is still in the early stages of repair after a three-year estrangement. I'm trying hard not to rock the boat.

I'm relieved I'm not the only one who thinks she was out of line. lol ... That's what dealing with her has done to me. I start to question my own instincts.

Lily,

She thinks it is ok to tell you that her marriage is better than the one your parents had? AND, she thinks it is appropriate to tell you about her sex life with your father and even provide details?

And now she's flipped it around to being upset with you? The woman is misfiring, Lily. At a minimum she is terribly insecure. I'd say it is more than that and she probably does have some mental health issues.

Is there any way you can have lunches or dinners with your Dad alone - without her? I know you've said you want to repair the relationship with her as well but if she is upset with you for something she did, and if this type of thing is standard operating procedure for her, you may spend the rest of your life banging your head against the wall.

I wish you the best,
June

wow. Ask your SM maybe via email is that what she is mad about? And if she says yes I would tell a father: "I really want to have a good relationship with my SM but she is upset with me that i am uncomfortable listening about your intimate activities in bed. I really want to be friends but I don't know what to do if that's why she is upset" See what he says.

I don't know if you can say it to your father but I guess maybe you should. This woman is crazy, next time she will come up with something else.

The whole thing sounds strange! She does sound like a nut.

Why would she compare herself with your mother? That is rather tactless. That she feels competitive with a dead woman is pathetic.

But, I would consider the source of the information. You said you learned the cause of your SM's resentment through a third party. I have found very often that the information you receive is very distorted. Just hearsay.

I suspect there is more to this story.

Some women have no class and will discuss anything with anyone ... for example My husbands ex asking me if he and I were compatible in that area and then her stating details of their togetherness ... atleast I could hang up on her.

You had to sit there and redirect the conversation. Better woman than I am. You shouldn't have had to be put in that position to defend your mother and hear about your father that way. And if thats why she is "angry" its her problem she brought up the subject in the first place.

Well, as everyone else has said, your diagnosis of her being mentally imbalanced has to be correct.

How do you repair this? I don't know, but if you really want to try, you could follow finedreams' suggestion, but my guess is that she'd never put anything in writing and then, if you try to explain this to your father, I'm most certain she will turn the whole thing around even suggesting it was you who asked inappropriate questions or volunteered such intimacies.

I'm w/ you, though, on this subject. To me, my parents are virgins and I'm sure I am to them, too, lol. Don't care to wonder how my brother and I made it here or how my three sons appeared, lol. They were all immaculate conceptions as far as I'm concerned. Is nothing sacred to this woman?

I think you did well to handle the whole conversation w/o leaving. At least Cawfe could hang up - not that you'd hang up on your SM, but, sheesh, she's really crossing the line w/ discussions about your mother then this crap!

If you want to try, I'd try to meet her face to face and explain, 'You know, that little talk we had in the hospital hasn't sat well w/ me. I must admit, I'm too embarrassed to discuss anyone's private life - esp. those in my family. I want to thank you for considering me a friend at that time and wanting to confide in me. I'm sorry if I wasn't receptive to that particular topic, but I wish we could just give our friendship another chance. I was really worried about Dad and you caught me by surprise. What do you say? Can't we try again - I'm so glad my father has found you and that you are soul mates...(lies, but try)"

If she dares to bring that up again, I'd cut her off and say, "OK, now you're going to make me blush! It's obvious that you and Dad are a great match and I'm happy you're compatible in every way, but let's talk about cooking please! Do you watch the Food Network?"

My guess is that in retrospect, she is terribly embarrassed by her choice of inappropriate subject matter. I'll bet she has feared you would discuss her topic w/ your dad, so she has been trying to paint you as a liar and someone who has a problem w/ her. So, if you ever did bring this up to your father, she could deny it and say, "Don't you see,honey? She doesn't want us together. What woman in her right mind would discuss this w/ a man's DD?"

I'd say it's just another piece of the puzzle...

Good luck,
Dana

Hi, LS

If it weren't this event it would be something else.

If she doesn't want to be friends with you, she will find a reason.

Just consider the source, and let it go.

No amount of apologies is going to help, in my opinion.

It's as though she was relating to you on a girl to girl level, forgetting that your primarily relationship is not that at all.

Something about the way you received her information got on her nerves. So what? If it hadn't been that, there would be another example.

Also, if there were an issue, she's bizarre to hold on to it for 3 years.

SOOOO....it's great that your father is making overtures to
reconcile.

I would like to make one more comment, and that it just like with any new romantic relationship, there is a honeymoon period, where it seems like the most important thing on earth. Eventually, the dust will settle, and
the importance of family will become a priority again.
This is true for first time newlyweds, high school sweethearts, and UGH! even for parent / step-parent relationships.

Please, kids and step-kids, consider giving parents that time to spend together. Because once it's gone, it's gone forever. A marriage is never as good as it is during the honeymoon period.

I'm not asking for exclusivity, just compassion.

Your parent will come up for air. It's just that having a
love relationship after grief or disappointment is intoxicating. It is intoxicating enough to even talk like a giddy school girl about ... um ... you know. Even when it's inappropriate.

Now that romance in my marriage is just a distant memory,
I still think about the very early days during our courtship, and the first 3 months of our marriage, and I hold onto those and dream about them...before step-family stresses became the rule instead of the exception.

And I probably was inappropriately lovey dovey to my husband during those days, too. (not like your SM, but I probably unintentionally made SK uncomfortable).

Just a thought.

Hi Lily,

Forgive me but I had to laugh as you know my story. My SM did the opposite in that she made it clear to me her and dad weren't having good sex in a negative manner directed at him. I was shocked but quickly regained my composure and laughed it off...and changed topic.

I wouldn't tell your dad you are privy to this information. He might be terribly embarassed.

Your SM comparing her relationship against your mother's is incredibly insensitive. My SM actually made a point of telling me nastily with intent to hurt "She knew things about my mom she would never reveal to me." It took every ounce of my energy to remain calm and let it pass.

Discussing dad's sex life is inappropriate. I don't think there's much you can do. I'm a believer in apology, but in this case you have nothing to apologize for, you steered her away from an uncomfortable topic and had she been really trying to connect with you she would have recongized this.

For the sake of argument, let's assume that her comments were made totally in the spirit of "sharing confidences" to build a close friendship, and that her judgement was clouded by "honeymoon giddyness" --- (not that I believe it, but for the sake of argument)

OK - So let's assume she meant well. That she was 'oblivious', not insensitive...

Now, your reaction was entirely appropriate and normal. No one wants to hear about their parents' sex life. In fact, a lot of people don't want to hear details of anyone's sex life! Surely, your StepMother has encountered people who were uncomfortable discussing their sex lives before. (Or politics. Or religion.) That might make you 'conservative' -- but it hardly means you're rejecting her overtures of friendship.

But - Hey, since we're bending over backwards to give her the benefit of the doubt, let's assume she really did get her feelings hurt...

Let's even go WAAAAAY out on a limb and say "You were wrong." (Which I absolutely don't believe for a second!)
But even still -- After the way this woman has behaved toward you, your siblings, and your father's siblings --

Why in the He!! would you even want to try to repair this relationship?
Seriously - You cannot expect to have a decent and even semi-healthy relationship with this woman because she is not capable of having a decent and healthy relationship.
Especially not with you -- a living breathing reminder of your father's past.

This woman is toxic -- and I'd stay far, far away from her. Any contact you have with her will be twisted and used against you. Even if your father now knows enough not to believe a word she says (which I suspect he does by now), it'll still hurt far more than it helps to have her say these things.

The only reason I want to try to fix this relationship, even though I too believe it is beyond fixing, is because I'd like to see my dad more often than a furtive one or two hours every month or two.

It hurts to think I'll never spend another Christmas, or any other holiday, with him. It hurts to know that they come to the town where I live on a regular basis and ignore me. He has suggested to her that they visit his family and she goes on a ranting and raving tear that lasts for hours or even days. He's learned not to bring it up. (I actually witnessed part of one of these tantrums and it freaked me out.)

It hurts to know they go to visit her son and his family (who live only 10 miles from another of my sisters) and if she even thinks he's going to see or call my sister, she throws a tantrum.

See, I know this woman is toxic, but I also love my dad. And it hurts when my 7-year-old nephew looks me in the eye and says, "Aunt Lily, is grandpa dead?" He hasn't seen him in a couple of years and he thought that was the only explanation.

Sometimes, it's really hard not to hate my SM. And it's almost impossible not to want my father in my life.

It's a puzzle I haven't yet solved.

Lilysuzanne,

I hope you can figure out the puzzle. It's so incredibly painful. Perhaps you can figure out which road to travel, I have failed miserably and it breaks my heart every single day. There's still hope for you. Don't give up.

Hi LS -
My heart continues to hurt for you. From your post, it appears the little foxes that are spoiling the vines keep multiplying. What a heartbreaking situation! Please allow me to add my voice to those who have written before me. I'd like to see you rest from this problem.

I agree with the other ladies who have posted that there is NOTHING you can do to have a decent relationship with this woman and since she appears to be mentally ill, she will not likely forgive & forget any past wrongs (in her mind) that you have committed. In fact, she probably doesn't WANT to. Her anger and subsequent tantrums are the "power" tools which she implements in order to control your Dad. These manipulations may distract her from her own insecurities about your parents' marriage and relationship. In fact, she is probably so insecure about how she measures up to your mother in her husband's eyes that she would literally go more crazy if she didn't distract herself with anger & jealousy.

On one hand, you can be thankful that her anger has not turned toward your father - she sounds like she could be very damaging in her angry outbursts. I predict that all of this anger will go somewhere inside her and I would not be surprised if she turns up gravely ill one of these days. Our bodies do not bode well flowing with bitterness, resentment and jealousy. Those emotions will eat any of us alive.

I encourage you to be thankful for the times you get to speak with your father and the times that you might get to see him face-to-face. A relationship with him alone is much more valuable than one with her sitting there - she's a loose cannon, ready and willing to go off on a tangent - either real or imagined.

I would also encourage you not to share this story with your father - it will only put him back in the middle between the two of you again and since he is trying his best to untangle himself from her and seek a renewed relationship with his side of the family, I would let him rest in peace on this one.

Please do not beat yourself up any longer about the past conversation with your SM. I pray that the replies you have received on your post so far have bolstered your self-respect and ingrained in you that you did NOTHING wrong during that conversation with her during your father's illness. Even if there is a very minute possiblility that she has felt some embarrassment over what she "shared" with you during that conversation - it is probable that she is not capable of taking any responsibility for her own indiscretions, and so she blames you for "rejecting her friendship". A mind is a terrible thing to waste.....

Mentally ill persons not on meds do not take responsibility for anything they may have done to hurt someone else - everything is about them and they somehow justify to themselves why they are the victim. Their finger only points one way: outward. There is no meeting people like this half-way. Please do not waste another minute of your life thinking about this woman.

Move on in love with your father and share whatever moments that are available to you. He sounds like a loving father who is attempting to reconnect - sans his mentally ill wife. You are very fortunate that he has seen the light and he is very fortunate that you are a forgiving and caring daughter! This is the soil in which loving relationships grow. God bless you both!
Many blessings!