you are so right, I would like to know why your spouse is not suppose to be number 1 in a second marrige, everyone says your children comes frist, yes if theres abuse or your child is treated mean you should find help and if that doesnt work get out, many bio parents abuse there own kids!its okay to work help support your sc clean up after them fix there meals but your not alowed to make dissions for these kid cause guess what they have another parent, I have told my husband how I feel many of times, on the wekend his days off are spent intering his children, this is also the only time we have off together, so if I dont want to run to the mall or watch a movie I am just left and they always have there dad right by there side, he wont evn spend time mowing grass or any other chore unless its something for his kids, he doesnt come to bed till there ready, i am totaly ingored so I go off to my bedroom to and wait till the weekend is over, life with the person you love is suppose to be shared, and guess what by the time these kids are raised I might not care to be around, when I was married to my childrens father we did things as a family but we also spent time together as husband and wife, our children werent always frist,so why as a s parent should our marrige come second to the kids. good luck to all of us!!!

Amen to both of your postings. Also, most stepparents provide their income to help support the family, but others have said that they do not have a say in disciplining the child or making decisions that concern them. This cannot happen. As many have said, when you marry a person with children, you marry the "whole" package, the flip side of this is that you also take on alot of additional responsibility where these kids are concerned and why shouldn't you have a say on what goes on in the life of the "family" whether completely biological or mixed.
I guess the most important things to do before you consider remarriage, is for each of the parents to sit down with their respective children individually and talk about what this will mean to the kids and the whole family and ask them for their input and feelings. Then sit down with both adults and all the kids concerned and discuss the "new" family rules and each persons function and the consequences when rules are broken.

MIStepMom, you said more of what I was trying to say. I also believe that when a person marries someone with children that they do marry the entire package BUT that doesn't mean that the step parent has to swallow all the abuse a grown child can dish out. There has to be lines drawn. If there are no boundries for the adult child and no goals set for a 'lazy' person and no one (step or biological) concerns themself and continues to aide the behavior, they are in essence crippling the young adult. It is very hard to discern what is crippling and what is helpful, especially when one is more prone to letting the child get his/her way. But step back and think about it for a few moments (hours if need be) and ask yourself "If I were to die today, would my adult child be able to care/fend for him/herself?" If the answer is no, then perhaps some serious thinking about what road to go down is warrented.

I am however, a little more reserved with younger children in this opinion tho. Mostly what I post concerns ADULT step 'children'.

I respect my spouses opinion, and I respect my childrens opinions. Neither one of them come before the other. I love them differently. I expect my spouse to make grown-up decisions, and I expect my children to make decisions, and come to us for a better answer. That is what makes us parents, to help them grow and learn from their mistakes. My son is on his way to becoming an adult. We have all grown a little and learned from mistakes that have been made and hopefully the same mistakes will not be made a second time. In response to an earlier post, if you feel the need to hide in your room rather than spend time with your spouse and kids, then you should go elsewhere. He can find someone that wants to spend time with him and his kids. If you hook up with a person with kids, then you should expect that person to spend time with his or her kids, afterall, you knew he had them when you became involved with him. Adults dont change so dont expect him to.

mydawgz, apparently you have taken my post offensively. It certainly wasn't meant to be taken that way.

For the record. I did not hide in the bedroom. I stayed in the bedroom because the step son had become abusive, both physically and verbally. I was also pregnant at the time and to avoid any MORE complications with the pregnancy, I felt that this was the best thing to do until his father came home from work.

As far as me leaving my spouse because of problems with this ADULT step'child', no way in hell was I going to do that. Yes, I knew he had this child before, but like I said, as time marched on it became obvious that nothing I said or did for him would make any difference. He was hell bent on having his way and having his gangster friends over. He delighted in singing eminem songs while he walked towards me with a gun in his hand. He thought it was funny to trip me 'accidently' as I passed thru the living room or shoving me with his shoulder when he walked past me in the kitchen. Expose myself to that? No thank you. I'll pass. There were issues here with him that I was not equipped to handle.

There was also a third person involved who he would let in the home on a regular basis. The x-wife of 12 years that took pleasure in dragging me out the front door and beating me in the back and face because I told the step son that doing drugs in the home were not allowed. In her words, and his, I was abusing her little darling. If anything, I felt what I tried to do and teach was the responsible thing. But a person can only be abused for so long before they stop turning the other cheek.

Like I stated before, perhaps one of the best things to do would be to sit down, find out what the problem is on all sides (yours included) and then try to meet each other half way.

One thing I learned from all the ordeals we had at our home (and I can assure you that we had larger problems than just the step son being considered lazy...much much bigger problems) is that the two parents have to come to an agreement on what is and what is absolutely not acceptable. Find out what each other just absolutely can not tolerate and work on those problems first and have a 'meeting point' before even including the adult child in the discussion. Give a little, get a little. When the parent/step parent are divided, nothing will work. Sides will be taken and no one passes go. It's real easy to hurt others feelings when something just comes out of the blue. Better to talk about issues together rather than just taking things as they come.

It doesn't sound like your son is anything like the step son I had to deal with (lucky you!) and perhaps he just needs motivation or is depressed. If he's not doing things on purpose to upset the household then I would venture to say that perhaps he just really doesn't know which way to turn or doesn't exactly understand what is expected of him.

The main message tho of this thread that I started was to let people know that sometimes there are reasons for the step parent to break away from the step child, especially if they are of the adult age and yes, the step parent does have the right to a say-so in the home, and there seems to be a double standard when it comes to a step father dealing with step children and step mothers raising step children. My spouse does come before all others. United we stand, divided we fall and unless my spouse is being abusive, he will continue to be my first priority.

I, coming from an intact first marriage with children, have a different perspective. Maybe its because I am not so defensive about my place in this family unit and more secure about where I stand. The whole who comes first thing .... My DH and I have been married for almost 29 years and there is no doubt about our love for one another. It is a much different love than a parent has for a child so it can't really be ranked on an equal footing. However, 0ur kids safety and welfare always come first before all else. Our kids are older (17 and a 15 3/4) now so they no longer "need" that much on a minute by minute basis as do younger children, but as children their needs (not wants) always came first and probably always will. I am glad that they have grown to be independant individuals but yet regret how quickly the time went by when they were little Pooh bears in their Sears footed slippers. I am proud of my husband that he has been a loving father and places his childrens needs above ours. Maybe its because after all these years he and I truly are one person so there is no tug of war in the thought process or wondering where he or I stand. Its a family and sometimes the needs of the members change. Last year he was hospitalized and the whole family focused their all on him. Was he number one at the time or just a member of the family getting what they needed at the time. What does being #1 mean? I guess I don't understand it. So the only thing I can reason is that its a second spouse thing - feeling inadequate and needing that affirmation. From reading the posts of stepparents here - I have come to understand some of the difficulties of steps with younger children (I was an adult when I gained a step). I think the effort of raising step children is so much greater than being a bio parent and you try to so hard to make everything Brady Bunch perfect that you burn yourselves out in the process. The step family is not only the coming together of two people that love each other, it also encompasses not just the children - but the ex-spouse and sometimes their families as well. With that ex spouse always in the picture and always in your face its easy to begin feeling a bit insecure. Throw in some children that have some emotional problems from the divorce process, that also most inevitably carry some nasty traits from the ex and you have an impossible situation that would probably bring down the most secure person on earth. As step parents, I think you need to take care of YOURSELVES more than anything. Don't look for someone else to take care of your needs and your feeling to be #1. YOU must make yourself #1. The stepchildren have 2 parents taking care of them. Who is taking care of you? You expend so much energy pleasing everyone and trying so hard to make everything wonderful that you are burning yourselves out inside, while on the outside you APPEAR to be in control and strong (therefore needing no other help). You cannot change that this family is probably dysfunctional and by the whole nature of the anmimal probably always will be. If bio Mom and Dad agree on certain issues where their child is concerned - yes your opinion will probably not matter much - not through the fault of the children, but because your spouse agrees with the ex. They had these kids and raised them in a certain way for many years before you came along and unless you can get both bio parents to change their parenting style to match yours - there will be problems. Yes, society even places second marriages at a disadvantage. Have you ever seen a wicked mother fairy tale (no matter how bad the mother may have been).... its all about the wicked stepmother. I can see you all trying so hard ... its like fighting the current of a giant rapids fighting not to go over the edge and down the waterfall. You need to be aware of your needs. Make the others in your home aware of your needs (constructively - not by whining) and take care of those needs. Take an emotional breather when you can. Surround yourself with supportive people and take the initiative to make special time for yourself and your husband / wife alone to reconnect with the reason why you chose to take all this on - because of the love you have for one another. Keep remembering ... this, too, shall pass.

Sugarbee, I understood your message being directed toward "adult step children". I have a 20 yr old SS and an 18 yr old SD, both are very lazy and barely capable of taking care of themselves. My SS was 17 when I met him and he was not interested in listening to anyone. He was taught and saw by example of his biomother and her family that everything bad that happens to you in life is someone else's fault and you live your life blaming other people and never standing up for yourself. He is now 20 and in the Airforce and we are hoping that he will grow up over the next 4 years. My SD practically refuses to help with anything in the house even when I ask in front of her father. She takes here plate from the table and places it in the sink for someone else to rinse and put in the dishwasher unless I watch her each and every time and remind her to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. She never unloads the dishwasher, when I ask she says OK and proceeds to do other things and when I ask her later if it is done, she says "oh, I forgot, I'll do it in a minute". Can you guess who finally ends up doing it? In the mean time, she has left the house or fallen asleep. She is attending a local college and told me there is no way she could live in a dorm (not that her father and I could afford it) because she just couldn't handle being away from home (not that she is home much anyway). She just doesn't want to do anything for herself. Her mother did everything for her and she just expects me to pick up where her mother left off. I get so tired of constantly asking her to pick up her things, change out her laundry, clean her room, clean her bathroom, feed her animals, turn off her TV when she is leaving her room or the house, put food away that she takes out of the refrigerator, etc. I truly love this girl and I feel she loves and accepts me as well, but she is a total lazy slob that it effects the rest of the household and I end up doing double work. I talk to her father and he asks her to do the tasks that I have and she gives him the same answer "ok, i'll do it in a minute" and a minute rarely comes. I believe my husband and his ex have truly failed and preparing both of their children for their adult years, but I came into the their life too late and they certainly weren't going to change then. I just hope when SD does move out that she remembers the things I tried to teach her and does become a functioning individual.
I made my statement about talking to the kids because we did not and I wish we had, it might have made things a little easier on all of us.

mistep mom...here are some tips...the dishes she leaves in the sink put them in her bed. Her animals..give them away. she takes out food and leaves it. Let her find it in her bed. In a minute...do you know how to say NO! NOW? As far as her room close the door. She does these things because you let her. My mom did the dish in the bed thing ONCE and after that I did what she asked. She is old enough to be on her own if she cant help out than pack her stuff.

To MIStepMom, when you say... "I get so tired of constantly asking her to pick up her things, change out her laundry, clean her room, clean her bathroom, feed her animals, turn off her TV when she is leaving her room or the house, put food away that she takes out of the refrigerator, etc."

I might suggest a little DRASTIC attention getting... because we ALL know her behavior is unacceptable... even if she is 18.

Before you start tell your hubby you have an "evil" plan to help get his daughter to pitch in and do her part in household. Tell him it's temporary and to go along with you.

Get a BIG (GREAT BIG) garbage bag and the next time she leaves her things out and about put them in the bag and SAY nothing about it. The next time she doesn't change her laundry out put that in the bag and SAY nothing. Take her pets to a friends house (who is willing to keep them for a while) and SAY nothing. The next time the TV is turned on put it in the garbage bag. If she doesn't clean her room/bathroom, require that the door be shut.

Then when she asks what happened to her laundry, tell her it's gone. When she asks what happened to whatever it was she left out, tell it's gone. When she asks what happened to her pets, tell her they are gone.

When she has the big hissy fit... tell her you got tired of telling her what to do so you ended the problem and then leave it at that.

IF she improves, (I said IF) then give her her things back. I bet she'll get the picture pretty quickly. If she doesn't she can move into the dorm and live like pig where you don't have to watch.

Q

I would never expect someone else to do MY housework for me. Not my children --- not my husband. No lazy bone in my body!!! I chose to be the wife and mother and therefore the housework is my responsibility. Would never PAWN it off on my kids or my DH. Kids are working in school 8 hours a day, followed by sports and their own jobs. Would never consider doing their homework any more than I would consider them doing my work!!!

RosieL...housework is for the wife and mother? You must stay at home all day. I dont have a lazy bone in my body either. I work all day, run a small business at night and have a home. Sorry, everyone does their share. I would never say Oh leave everything for me..I wanted to be a mother and wife...Jeeezzzzz...

RosieL if children do not share in the household responsibilities how do they learn these things in order to do them when they move out and have their own homes. I also never ask they SD clean anything other than her own room, her own bathroom, wash her own laundry, feed her own dogs and help clear the table from dinner that she also ate. All the rest of the household chores are taken care of by me. I also work all day and have 3 kids to drive all over to their activities so I don't feel it is too much to ask that they help out around the house. I believe kids learn by example and that also includes helping inside of the home as well as outside.

Personally, I believe that if we are taking on the responsibility of step-parenting someone else's kids (which we all have chosen to do) and these kids live in our homes -- custodial or visitation -- we ABSOLUTELY have the right to set rules, have high expectations and discipline when necessary. Nobody marries someone with kids expecting to be abused by those step-kids, walked on or taken advantage of. And we shouldn't allow it. If the person you are married to allows this to happen, it's time to wave bye-bye. Marriage is a partnership, and when we said "I DO" we also agreed to take part in raising the kids. All of the kids. We did not agree to be a maid, a 24-hour diner or an ATM for them. Our job is to raise them to become independent and responsible adults.

Rosie, there is no lazy bone in my body either. I work a demanding and lucrative full time job from a home office and earn 60% of our household's income. Because I am home days, much of the childcare falls on me. That's just the way it is. HOWEVER, even if I was a stay-at-home Mom with no career, I would STILL expect the kids to all pitch in. Our rule is: If you use it, put it back. If you dirty it, clean it. How can we teach out kids to be responsible, to handle a household when they're on their own, if they don't do it now? I can't believe anyone in this day and age wouldn't insist that the kids pitch in with the housework! Jeez, even our 3 year old picks up her own toys!

I disagree with the stepparent setting rules. I believe that the parent should set the rules and the stepparent should only enforce them. WHen you have your own children then you can give them the lessons and the morals you want them to have but until then do not try to take someone elses. I am not a fan of the stepfamily. I had an abusive stepmother. She did many horrible things to my sister and I. My stepfather on the other hand enforced the rules set by my mother. HE understood that he was not our father. We respected him. My stepmother tried everything she could to keep us from seeing our dad. I do not completely blame her I know some of it was my dad, but she used the child they had together against him. I have come on here and posted before and I bacially got told it was my fault and she had the right to treat me like less of a human because I was a "horrible, bratty stepchild" I believe there is a double standard here and it comes to the fact that a lot of the people on here think all stepparents walk on water. They also think that all stepkids are horrible people who will grow up to amount to nothing. It is not like that. People need to wake up and realize that.

buffy durst, I can certainly understand your frustration and anger. I wasn't a step child, but my cousin and her brother were. It was horrible how my uncle treated them two. I remember staying overnite on weekends sometimes. He'd make her and her brother go to bed when the birds did. Made them do all the dishes and clean. I even remember being afraid to take a bath. He had this thing where he'd make them scrub the tub after each bath and he'd actually come in and inspect it. I was horrified that I wouldn't get it clean enough and he'd set his eyes on me. Sounds trivial now...but it was a scarry thing when I was little.

The thing that scared me the most. My older male cousin came in for dinner a little late. My uncle sat at the head of the table, then ME next to him (because I was the guest), then my female cousin and across the table on his other side was my Aunt. The male cousin sat at the opposite side of the table from him. He was late. Because of the position my uncle sat in, he could see out the window to the back yard and we always came in the back door...not allowed to use the front (another one of his 'things'). So he see's my cousin coming up towards the steps. He gets up, was by the back door in just a second and when my cousin opened the door, my uncle does this hand chop thing on the back of his neck and my cousin fell to the floor. Oh man, I cried and cried. Nothing short of my parents coming to get me would shut me up. It was the last time I stayed the nite over there. From then on my cousin would come stay with us on weekends and summers. So yes, I can understand why you would say that step parents have no business making rules. But not all step parents are out to look for negative in the kids or are out to hurt them. Honest.

I could not sit still with the things that were going on in this house. The father was at work alot and the son was left to his own devices and since he was raised the majority of his life by a person who does not have much respect for herself, he then learned, or did not learn what was appropriate behavior and by the time he was old enough to _realize_ what was appropriate, he just didn't care. Regardless of whether or not he cared, I cared and I wasn't about to stand by idly while he took himself and the entire home down with him. He's my husbands child and regardless of whether or not nature allows me to love him like he is my own child, he is still a human being that deserved a better way of life. With all the counseling and jail time, and his mother going to jail for months at a time because she just absolutely could not keep her hands off of me, it seems the message would have sunk in...but it didn't. The abuse just got worse and worse and he became more and more abusive when his father was not around.

So yes, I do believe I have the right to say what does and does not go on in my home. If it had been my own child abusing me, heh, they would have been out that front door in two seconds flat...but I tried to understand, tried to reason, tried to do my best and all I got was spit in the face (literally). I'm sort of angry too and will probably be angry for a long long time. That anger towards him has some to do with the abuse, but the majority comes from his letter writing back and forth to his mother when she was in jail. While cleaning up his room (yes, I did this even tho he was 18 at the time because it made the house stink w/all the cigarette butts in there) I happened across several letters. You can bet I read them as they were from the county jail. 2 were from his mother, filled with all sorts of plans she had for me when she got out: "I'll knock that baby right out of her the next time I see her" and 1 letter from him that he was just finishing up. In the letter he brought up that line and a few others and told his mother
"not to worry, she (my unborn child at the time) would not make it to her second birthday". I felt my knees buckle. Showed my husband when he got home from work and then he was confronted. There was a huge argument and he left for a few days. During this time I had my husband put a dead bolt on the bedroom door and during the day I started staying with a friend of mine until he could get home from work. I also filed charges for terroristic threats which got her another 90 days in jail and him, well, I started feeling bad for him and did not persue charges if he would agree to a rule I made: No more correspondence from the mother to this house. That's the rule that made him soo very angry that he left on another occasion (there were many where he'd leave)because even after he'd agreed, he got very upset and angry again because there was no more letters from her to him and he thought I was taking the mail and throwing it away. Tried to explain to him that because she's been in jail 6 times now for assault, harassment, trespassing, stalking, terroristic threats..and one more that I can't remember, she was no longer allowed by the courts to send any type of communication here. They want to plan my demise, they'd have to find another home to do it in...perhaps adjoining jail cells. Then, to top it off, he makes a HUGE scene the day I delivered his sister. I won't even go into that right now.

It seems that there are all types. I'm in no way perfect nor do I claim to be but I do know what is right and what is wrong and with certain behavior there is no gray area no matter how hard we try to mix the two colors. Only black and white. And I still do find that there are mixed messages and double standards for the women who raise step children and the males who raise step children. Perhaps it's because people see men as more of a threat? *shrug* I don't know...but I do find it interesting.

p.s. Look around at some of the other threads. There are a few step parents here that are a willing party to making the step child(ren) miserable and they seem to get some type of joy out of it. This is something else that is completely over my head. Why an adult would want to create more pain in the life of a young child who is still growing and finding his/her way is simply ... well ... I just can't begin to touch that or imagine it...and I also wish that you had not had the abusive step mother that you did. I'm sorry you had to go thru that.

I, too, own my own business. Wake up at 4:30 each day to stay ahead of the game. Kids also pick up after themselves, but they are never required to do MY work. They have work of their own and very full days. Going to school is the equivalent of a full time job and then they have their sports (most important to us for college admissions) and their part time jobs. It is not easy getting those A's in an honors program and its more important to their futures that they work on their grades to insure college placement than to have them do my laundry. As for rules ... every place in society has rules, however, I think that when there is a bio mom and dad in the picture - discipline and rules should be consistent in both homes meted out by the bios with the support of the steps as often as possible (especially if it is the non custodial home).

So, Rosie, when your straight A, honor roll kids get to college, are you going to follow them and cook and clean for them there as well? What about grad school? Gonna be kinda embarrassing for them to have mummy washing their dainties for them then, eh?

And I think that it's interesting that you say the laundry is "my laundry". Do the other's go naked, or do you just wear a lot of clothes?

Just curious---

Rosie,
Children need chores. Plain and simple. How else are they going to learn how to take care of their own households when the time comes? I'm not saying work their tails off, but helping around the house will not hurt them.
SugarBee,
What can I say? No way would he ever be allowed back into my house.
Before I married my DH we talked about his kids and what we both expected of them. There are rules here, pick up after yourself, help when asked. If I disagree with how my DH is handling a situation, or he disagrees with me, we talk about it, but away from the kids. It works both ways, sometimes I feel he's being too hard on them, and sometimes he thinks I am. Our goal, including the biomom, is to raise healthy, happy children. I'm lucky that as the adults, we all agree on this.

Well, I'm just blown away at the people -- mostly seems like steps who had "evil" step-parents -- who think we step-parents should have no say in what goes on in our homes and in raising/disciplining these kids! True, kids don't generally have a voice in who their bio parent marries, but once we are all together, we should try to forge some sort of cohesive extended family unit. Do you think we should just stand by and be abused and used by a step-child who is playing with their bio-parent's natural sense of guilt at not maintaining a bio family unit? Should we allow these kids to get away with murder because their bio parent is afraid to discipline them? But you know, bio parents just can't discipline them because these poor kids have been through so much already, right? Or, we just can't discipline them because they don't spend enough time here. (Sound like Disneyland Dad or Mom???)

I read so many stories here about steps who are spoiled brats, and an equal number from steps who think they have the most evil step parent. Nobody is wrong here, nobody is right. Let's think about this for a second. We each bring our own perspective to the situation. Steps want 100% of their bio parent's attention, and milk the bio's guilt to the hilt. They don't want someone else stealing their parent's affection. They don't care if their bio parent is happy or not. Don't deny it, they do these things. Step-parents are generally not blinded by the same overwhelming feelings for their SK's that the bio has. We can see things clearly. We have no rose colored glasses. We can be objective.

It's very easy for a step-parent to recognize when a SK is being spoiled, or coddled, or babied, or has the run of the house, or is lazy or abusive or whatever. And guess what? We can easily come off like the wicked witch of the west for pointing all these things out to the blinded-by-emotion bio parent! We step parents walk on eggs, too.

The way I see it, and what my husband always tells me, is I am a good influence for his daughter,that we make a good team for ALL of our kids. When one is blinded by emotion, the other is clear. We make an unbeatable example for our kids. We stand as one, discuss differences and present a united front to them. His ideas for child rearing and mine don't always jive. He is a softie and I am a disciplinarian, but we balance each other out. Everyone wins. All the kids in our house are treated with the same rules and kindness, no special treatment, whether they live here full time or visit on weekends. And I believe that's the way it should be.

Sit back and watch the world that is my household? Not a chance.

LOL...Rosiel you let your husband's ex (bio mom) make the rules in your house and you as the step just support them?
Sounds like you really dont have much of a say in your home if the husband and his ex are the main rule makers...

Sorry dear.... you must have read wrong. Iam the first and only wife of 29 years. We have 2 bio kids. Read again. Try to comprehend the words. It helps!

Going off to college and / or getting his or her own apartment will be the fastest learning experience a kid will have...It's not like a kid will wither away with no clean clothes and no food, even if that kid had no chores at home growing up. Just because he or she didn't do the work doesn't mean he or she didn't know how or realize it needed to be done. Doing laundry at college is the major wake-up call for a lot of kids, and when they do it on their own, it's amazing how much more appreciative they are when they come home!

I don't want the kids doing their own laundry at home because they'll be doing loads too often, running the dryer too much, and filling up the septic tank too fast. And I don't want to have to plan some schedule for who can use the machine when... it just doesn't work.

But as far as putting laundry away...SD had a hissy fit that I was invading her privacy by cleaning up her room (and I thought I was showing love! Ha!), so from then on, I stuffed her clean, UNFOLDED laundry into plastic grocery bags and I hang it on her doorknob and CLOSE THE BEDROOM DOOR so I don't have to look at ground zero. She had it really good for a while, but thanks to some good advice here, now she's on her own in that department.

I like the advice given about loading up the garbage bags and giving the animals away (even if temporarily). It's the only way to get through to some kids, even if it goes against your natural tendancy to "be nice" and "help."

My SD didn't get a ride to school from me today because she said yesterday that she wanted Daddy to take her...she was mad at me and my daughter. Okay...Daddy can take her every day, rework his busy schedule to accommodate her, and if she wants a ride from me, she'll have to ask me for it, not expect it. My own daughter drives herself to school but can't take passengers yet (just got license). And if Daddy's busy, then she can walk. It's only a mile and a half! Ha!

The only way I can have peace of mind is to have this attitude; otherwise, I am a doormat. My primary relationship is with the man, not the girl, and I am NOT going to let her take over my place (just as she won't let me take hers). I am twice as attentive and affectionate with her father now that I am not worrying about lavishing her with enough love, and it feels good. I will NEVER be able to do enough for her or spend enough on her to be her "real" mother, so I'm not even going to try any more. She's lost two mothers now...and the first one left in good part because of this child and her relationship with Daddy! It drove her crazy!

Good luck to all of us struggling to be ourselves when we are expected to take on the role someone else held.

I recently heard on the radio that first marriages stand a 50% chance of surviving. Second marriages are twice as vulnerabe as first marriages ... but where there are minor children - the statistic for survival is only 15-20%. Don't know where this psychologist got his figures, but I can tell you from reading these posts that I thoroughly understand why it could be true. The stress and difficulty in a second marriage with children is probably ten times that of a first marriage. I get stressed just reading your posts!!! I think the people that post here are special because they are the ones making that extra effort to try to do the best thing - but there are loads of couples just falling apart over this with no where to turn for support and no energy left to fight.

Amen, Rosie. What a depressing statistic. Thank God for this forum...for those who really understand, even when our significant others don't. I feel so lucky to have found this site. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I know there are so many of us out there who are really good-hearted people stuck in someone else's mess...and we just can't take it any more. It is the hardest thing I have ever been thru, even harder than a divorce, even harder than raising a mentally ill child on my own. It exponentially increases all stress. Is the significant other worth it? Frankly, at this moment, I wish I were totally alone. Calgon, take me away.

Really, isn't there a double standard in everything if you think that everyone is going to say the same thing about every situation? Each situation is different. Each one has two different sides to the story. We only hear one in most cases so we can't say what else is going on. People can only offer support or criticism based on what we know and many of us have personal stories that help fuel the fire for us. Nobody can come on here and expect to hear everyone say the same thing to them that they say to other step parents and same applies for bio-parents. Life isn't that way. People don't all feel the same way. Some situations are worse than others, even though you feel yours is the worst it may not be compared to someone else's. All we can do is try to survive and deal with the problems. Life is full of difficult times but they're only there for us to learn from. Good luck to everyone...

~Leslie~

Nadastimer, you are so right. As I read posts, I may not agree with everything -- I may even get angry at some posts -- but I do so appreciate the feedback, the exchanges and the opportunity to consider different perspectives, points of view or new ideas.