I don't immunize my children until they are older because of my own beliefs about autism and vaccinations (I have a good friend who has an autistic son...my children don't go to day care..my pedi is fine with it), so that does not necessarily make someone "weird".. (maybe I am, who knows). I would have HUGE concerns with my son showering with a "boyfriend of BM" and think that should definitely be addressed. All I can suggest is document, document, document, and try to have him as much as possible at your home so he can get some better influences. You many also want to look into having a "parenting coordinator (that is what they are called in our state) appointed. They are basically a neutral third party that can help sort out concerns and speak to the other party about inappropriate conduct. I would also encourage your BF to seek counseling for his son. He has been given some very damaging messages in his young life (I didn't want you..boyfriend left me because you were bad), and he needs to have a professional help sort those feelings out. That has to be very damaging to a small child.

Wow, she sounds really weird to me, too. Like lafevem, I did wait a bit on the MMR vaccine, but my kids all had it early on, just about a year later than most as my DearNephew is autistic, seemed so fine until 18 mos, etc. I sincerely doubt this biomom knows what autism is, let alone uses it to rationalize her 'no vaccines' motto. Is the boy allowed in school w/o immunizations and how long has your BF and this woman been divorced? Did he have any say in this issue? Oh, I just reread the post - so I guess she had this boy at 17 y.o? She sounds like she needs to grow up a lot.

What you described may not be technically be considered abusive, but I think anyone would have a very tough time finding it remotely normal or aiding in healthy growth of the boy. She sounds very immature or just plain dangerous in her choice of words and actions with respect to a young boy.

The courts still do favor the mothers from what I've seen, but you may have to do something. Why was the boy w/ you so much last year and do you think the mother would oppose another extended stay? Is she motivated by child support money? Maybe she views her son as in the way of her love life and would welcome more freedom?

Keep posting and good luck,
Dana

Nudity as a lifestyle might not be considered inappropriate, but sexual activity in front of a minor child is a giant red flag, & it seems to me that showering with adults of both sexes is suggestive at the least.

Hubs needs to find out exactly what went on & get legal advice & act on it pronto.

I am in a similar situation, he faught for costody, he was advised that in order to have any legal standing a restraining order had to be issued pronto if you really fear that she and or her bf are harming his child.

But your bf hopefully knows the BM well enough to know if the nudity thing is a lifestyle choice as suggested, or if it's a new thing that should be addressed.

Nudity as a lifestyle is a different thing than allowing your child to shower with random men. It is one thing if it is the child's father, but I would never allow my son to shower with another man.

thanks for all your comments and advice. it helps me to know that all of this ISN'T normal behavior and i'm not crazy. the nudity is a real issue, atleast for me! he's just too old to be seeing his mom naked. he's always tried to check out my goods, and has succeeded at times. he's always been very curious as to what i look like since he's sees his mom on a daily basis. when he lived with us we tried to teach him about privacy. knock before you go into the bathroom, shut the door to your bedroom when your changing, things like that. he seemed to have lost interest in trying to sneak a peek at me. but it has returned since he's been back with mom. i agree that nudity is ok, but at a certain age it's just inappropriate. i remember what my mom looks like naked and it still grosses me out!! and that was my MOTHER not my FATHER!!! (YUUUCK!!!)

"i remember what my mom looks like naked and it still grosses me out!! and that was my MOTHER not my FATHER!!! (YUUUCK!!!)"

Wow, that says a lot about you, Sugarland. Do you really feel that way? If so, it's kind of sad. It also explains why your followup deals nearly exclusively with the nudity instead of the valid problems.

"he's just too old to be seeing his mom naked."

While you have every right to feel that way, you don't have any right to expect a say in it. You're not his mother. There are no studies that demonstrate that children are harmed by parental nudity. There are more households than you realize that have a casual, relaxed attitude about nudity.

"he's always tried to check out my goods, and has succeeded at times. he's always been very curious as to what i look like since he's sees his mom on a daily basis. when he lived with us we tried to teach him about privacy. knock before you go into the bathroom, shut the door to your bedroom when your changing, things like that. he seemed to have lost interest in trying to sneak a peek at me. but it has returned since he's been back with mom."

Of course I have no idea what his actions are, but what you call his trying to "check out your goods", might simply be him wanting to be with you. You said you had a great relationship; maybe he just doesn't realize the importance privacy is to you.

At 8 years old, he certainly should be able to understand that there are different rules as far as modesty at the the two households. Maybe he just needs more reinforcement as to what's expected at your place.

Of the issues you mentioned in your initial post, the boyfriends showering with him and the hurtful things she says to him seem to be the real issues. The boyfriends showering with him 'could' be innocent, but the fact that the boyfriends are staying overnight or living there isn't the healthiest thing for the boy to experience. As far as the hurtful things the mom says, well, that's just horrible. That's got to hurt.

"what should he do to get his son out of his wierd mothers home????"

Has he asked the mom if he could live with the two of you? Maybe he could give her a little financial incentive. What does the boy want? He's at the age where, barring abuse or other such factors, the courts will take his wishes into consideration (if your custody issue gets to the court stage).

Good luck,

Joe

first off inspector, i never said i was his mother and i certainly didn't ever mention myself deserving a say in her lifestyle choices!! but his father most certainly does!!
i'm sorry but i dissagree with you, nudity is a valid problem. absolutly people do have a relaxed attitude about nudity, thats fine unless it HAS effected a childs behavior negatively and it has caused problems. it is then a parents responsabilty to modify their behavior as well. his son has always been very curious about women, understandably, but her "relaxed attitude with nudity" has really fueled the fire. he frequently asks about sex, notices any girl with big boobs, he tries to grab my butt. he doesn't see where the line is drawn. and trust me it has been explained!! so for some kids i'm sure there is no harm done, but with some it only peekins curiousity not yet appropriate for there age.

my boyfriend hasn't talked to her for a while about wanting his son to live with us because he knows that she will not allow it. she wants to live an "upscale" life, dating only rich men, so she is very dependent on his child support. (she only paid $20 a week for support saying its all she could afford!! she lived at her parents house and worked 2 jobs!! she REALLY likes to shop!!) i think she was also ashammed to admitt that her son no longer lived with her and i dont think she wants to be embarresed to tell people that again. she lived 5 minutes away from us and she only picked him up once or twice a week for a few hours. not to mention she didnt work at all during the summer and only picked him up for his swimming lessons twice a week. she had to get him then because her boyfriends mom bought him the swimming lessons at a country club. i had to take a leave of absence from work until he moved back in with her. she was definetely enjoying her time without him. but when she moved out of her parents house and into her own place she said he had to move in with her "because she misses him sooo much!!!" i dont think my boyfriend would really take her to court though. he doesnt want to put his son through that. he is confident that his son will live with him someday, but he was hoping it was before any real behavior issues occur. sorry for all this nonsense, i just really neded to vent for a while!! its all just sooooo frustrating sometimes!!!