"stepmom and dad imply theres more I can do, but dont give any ideas"

OK ... just ask them "What would be 'enough' to make you happy? What is it that you feel I should be doing that I'm not doing?"

Because unless they can explain themselves, they'r just playing mind games with you.

Seeing that you chose to move away from your child, there is probably not much more that you can do. But I wouldn't say that what you do makes you a good mom. Maybe you are a good absentee mom, but it is not the same as having a real involvement in your child's life, and nothing can replace that.

You posted that you send $57 a month for child support. That is what- about $15 a week? Even if the Dad matches that, do you really think your child is being raised on less than $30 a week?

It is really hard to look at a child you are raising and love, and know that for some reason their natural parent has decided not to take a major role in raising them. As much as you love raising that child, you feel so bad for them. And if the absent parent thinks they are being a good parent by calling, sending a couple of gifts here and there and sending a bit of money, while you are the one putting the actual time and energy into raising that child on a daily basis, it makes it real hard to have any respect for that parent at all.

Stop making it all about you. What about your child? How does your child feel about you? No matter how much you call or whatever, that doesn't stop the child from hurting that their natural parent has decided not to be close to them. And the people who live with him are going to be the ones to see that hurt, of course they are not going to think you are doing enough!

Well here's my $.02 on number 4. You HAVE a right to your childs school reports. Call the principal and let him know you want this info. Then send the school SASE (self addressed stamped envelopes). If this doesn't work, call the school superintentent and let him know what is going on. We had to do this with my step kids. Gee, they b**ch about parents that don't care, and when you do, they could care less. They don't consider you a parent because the kid doesn't live with you. That's cr*p! Off my soap box now.

I dont feel sorry for you. You are mad at her for no reason. Maybe shes like me and couldnt imagine for 1 minute leaving her child. Why dont you just thank God everything is ok with your son? I would be. I would thank God that after I left my childs life a good person came into it.U cannot play mommy . either you are or your not. Children dont need parent on holidays. They need parents everyday. You act like your doing something big by paying for trips on holidays.yep..You should pay. Is it your ex respon. that you moved ? can he be held liable for your actions? I feel more for the child . and the people that are with him. They have to explain why . what when....
Life is all about Action and Reaction. Your Action left you with this Reaction. my final thought ATLEAST YOUR CHILD IS OK .. LOTS OF PARENTS LOSE THERE CHILDREN FOR VARIOUS REASON...SICKNESS, DRUNK DRIVER, DRUGS , ALCHOL.
Your child is ok, heathy , and happy. really what more could you ask for. my opinion krista

I would move back to where my child is and see him everyday (if only through the schoolyard fence). Actually - I never would have left and would have fought tooth and nail if anyone tried to take my babies away from me.

I have read the posts under both the titles and the majority of the responses are criticizing the Mother for what she did. She has already said that she wishes she hadn't taken the path she did, but it is done now. Please stop criticizing her for her past mistake, I think she is paying for it enough. Instead, let's try and help her to stay in contact with her child for the child's sake 1st and the Mother's 2nd.
BioMomOf3, have you tried talking to your ex about what is going on. He certainly has the upperhand since he has custody so I don't understand why he would try to keep you from staying in contact with your son. Maybe the stepmom wants the child to forget about you altogether so that she can play the roll alone, so by you continuing to contact your son, you are in the way of her plan. Well screw her!! I say continue to stay in contact with you son and as Rosie said move closer if possible. I don't think the amount of child support should be an issue here. You are doing the best you can. How many non custodial parents do we hear about on here don't contribute one red cent. $57.00 isn't much, but if it is all you can afford than you are doing your best. You also pay 1/2 of other expenses which is again more than alot of others do. Your sending him gifts is also wonderful. You are trying to remain in his life even from a distance. Does your family that lives near your son get visitation with him? If they do, find out when he is visiting with them and call him there or have him call you when he is there. Provide the relative with a phone card so that it is not a burden on them. If you cannot get through to the Father and he continues to let the StepMom control the situation, there probably isn't anything more you can do until your son is old enough to decide who he wants to live with.
Don't give up the things you are doing!!! Your son will remember each and every one and he will know that even though you were not there everyday that you cared enough to do what you could. I just hope that the stepmother does not take out her lack of compassion and sensitivity on him. Than I would ask who is the better Mother!!!!

My stepkids mother shared custody with my husband but she was a very toxic person to those kids. She played the kids against the father and against each other. She lied to them for her own self serving reasons.

Hi ,I have not heard one word from my ex since the last time i tried fighting for my child back in court, which was about 2 years ago, he just never seems to answer the phone anymore (neither of them do very often when I call anymore these days)I'm not sure that he cares how things are going anyways!He's probaly standing behind her cheering her on for the way she is with me, no.... I really dont know!I just know he hasn't been in the picture for a very long time now.
No he has practically pushed the rest of my family out of my childs life, because Iam not there to inforce things,he gets away with it.
No stepmom from what my child tells me is pretty good to him, which is great with me, I'd rather he loved her than not! It reassures me that she is giving him the love that I would be, had they let him live with me.
"One things for sure about stepmom and dad....and thats that they never ever had to explain Mommys gone, vanished, dont know where she is,.... for even distance cant keep my child and I apart!" I have been there for him always in the mail, over the internet(e-mail), in packages, phone calls and in person all summer long every year since I moved away.....and now since we are stationed closer to him, I see him more in person all week long for spring and half of his christmas breaks!!! Its only a ten hour drive and one hour flight!!! I dont talk bad ever to my child about his dad and stepmom.....dont have to, all I have to do if he ever asks why I didnt try....I'll show him the court papers of me trying in a very none slandering way , sadly he will see in the court papers dad and stepmom slandering and belittling me though. Thanks for reading my post! Take Care

Maybe you could drive there and have a talk with your ex. Just you and him. Sadly there are to many men that let their women run their lives. I have seen this a few times when the women is the main bread winner and I wont say supporting him but, might as well be close to it. I think you should go to your ex first and tell him how you feel. If that doesnt work I would take it back to court.

If they won't take your calls, maybe you could try sending a certified letter. Or, if you know where he works, call him at work. Wish I could offer more advice. Good luck to you.

Dear BioMomOf3,

I would really recommend you move back. You might say, yeah, it's just a 10-hour-drive or a 1-hr flight... but wait a moment! How often do you do that 10-hour drive?
(You need all that time, the gas money, a good car which doesn't break down...).
Or how many days/weeks do you have to save to afford a flight?? (Hey, I do not always have $200 ready to buy tickets each weekend!)

The problem, as I see it, is YOU. You have to work on yourself. It is not about your child. He's okay.

First: move back and find work there.

Second: As somebody else wrote: go see him everyday, even through the fence of the school. Phone conversations or e-mailing (and probably screened) seems very abstract to a 11-year old... they "get it" rather by "seeing" and yes, a mother at the fence of the school would be seen! A mother, being there and having him twice a week or over the weekend, is just GREAT!

Third: clear up your own mind about your relationship with other partners (which most likely greatly influence your actions!), or in other words: your kid should be now the main focus in your life.. forget all about other men. Men come and go... but a child will always be your child! (And at least the child's first 18 or 20 years you should be totally "accessible" and THERE.) And you will always be his mother (probably you might get some kind of counseling with this issue? If a third person, that is: another new relationship, is involved, then it can get really tough).

Which reminds me of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio-goddess, who also always says, you have to be physically THERE. Available; not only over phone or e-mail, but in person.

Now that you probably do not want to fight for the sole custody of your child (because he is fine; and has already been adjusted in a new family situation for a long time), now you just have to work ON YOURSELF and position yourself somewhere, where you will be noticed by your child. And that can be done only, if you live nearby.
And position yourself CLEARLY visible, as a neat person, without other problems (like drugs, alcohol, men or such), so your child will have a good impression of yourself.

Oh, and on another note: you wrote, your husband doesn't tell you about the school progress anymore. Hey, forget that! You aren't married anymore. Do not expect or rely on him anymore. You are out of his picture now. Of course he has phone ID!
Just call the school directly. You know, you CAN contact the teacher.... you might set up "phone appointments", like twice a week or so... Tuesdays and Fridays at 3 p.m.... and ALWAYS call then. BE SPECIFIC, when talking to him/her. Stick to the schedule. The teacher will understand, you aren't nuts, but you are a caring mother.

You know, if your child's stepmom says, you do not do enough, then I think, she means, you aren't involved. And gosh, she is right: you CAN be only involved BY BEING THERE IN PERSON.
See, it is the same as with me in this moment: here I am typing a post and thinking about you... but in the next moment I am logged off and "gone with the wind"... I might as well have never existed. Some people (and always kids!!) just need THE PERSON IN REAL.

BioMomOf3... I know, there are other things connected to all of this... you might have other problems in your life... whatever it is: I hope you will find a way to be closer to your child.

Caring for you,
Conny

P.S. And remember: move back and be THERE. A 5-min-bikeride from your child's house at the most;-)

Here I am again, just after I read your other (first) post: you wrote there, you are married to a military man (I assumed, you are single or just in a relationship).
Well, if that is so... then that might shrink the possible actions you can take.

For one, I still think, my motherly instinct would prevail, and I would move back to my child, no matter what. No matter, if I have to leave my husband.
It seems to me, you are in this "if-or" position, where you can have either a long-distance-relationship with your child, or a long-distance-relationship with your current husband (and distroy this marriage).

You know, for the sake of this child, I would not argue with stepmom and dad, but rely on NO ONE. Just do everything to move back and be there (maybe your current husband can come out of military service somehow and do something else?).

You know, if you wait that relationships improve between you and stepmom, then you can wait as long as you want.
Somebody HAS to do the first step, so why not you?
She is obviously doing her job as a good stepmom, and isn't that what you wish for?
Now it's your turn. Be optimistic.
And I do not take anything back from my previous post, just add: go to some counseling (and take your current husband) and they might come up with some good idea.
And most of all: be optimistic.

Caring much,
Conny

I'm afraid the stepmom would resent me even more, should I take your advice and move into town, and be there for my child! Then we would probably really fight (verbally that is!) all the time....because I would have to have some things changed, Like getting my child off drugs! Which has been one of the two biggest arguments,(the other always over money), they think he needs them, I dont! Among few other things we would bump heads about...and would this really be better for my child?

I guess I like to avoid confrontations....which living far away from my ex and his wife has worked out, for this one reason.

I guess I am in a what/if/or state of mind.

How will moving closer to my older child affect all family members on ex's side and mine.....job wise on my side for my husband and I, emotional wise on both sides, etc. I mean my child has grown ucustomed to his stepmom and dads ways for 6 years now, would it be harder on him to go through more adjustments and changes?

Isn't staying in the military better for my 3 children,(benefits)than for my husband to wipe out the 12 years he's put into the military?

If I did go and move away from my husband to live nearby my older child, how will that affect my two other children and my husband who are all very much attached and love each other dearly?

So many what if's for me......I just am afraid to make any changes, for fear of making a misstake yet again! (like when I left in the first place without challenging my ex in court, in order to have my child move with stepdad and I)

Again, thanks for reading my post and all your input! I really do appreciate all your comments, Sincerely.......Just one of a million, trillion moms out there

All I know its hard to rectify a mistake once its made. It'll make a mess either way you go. You wanted to marry this man so much that you gave up being near your child. (Can't even imagine that).Your thought process hasn't changed. The money is more important than your child? The benefits of the MIlitary? I think your priorities are askew by my standards - but obviously not yours. I think the other kids would adjust as long as Mom was there and didn't abandon them. I don't think that its because you're non-confrontational. I think you're just too comfy where you're at and its easier to send a faceless package than to give of yourself.

Newsflash: you can get a job and get your own benefits. I also dont think that the military lifestyle is as pretty of a picture as you are painting. I agree with RosieL's last post

Why are you BIO MOM of 3? You said in a post earlier. Ohter 3 children? Wouldnt this son..in question be 4? Bio Mom of 4? why is that? krista

I have one older child with my ex and two younger children with my husband, biomom of 3.

"It'll make a mess either way I go" this Is why I'm afraid to drop everything and move to the same city my child lives in. I do have it good now, I can stay at home with my smaller two children, I can stay at home when my older son visits......something that could not happen if we drop all and move. If I move I would have to put my smaller two children and my older child in some before and after school care just so that I could work enough hours to support them...then when can I spend time with all three of them, most families its just a hour or two in the morning and 4 or 5 hours in the evening before you send them off to bed... yes there is the weekends, but in my field I would have to work then to! Yes the military is comfy and allows me to spend all the time with my two younger children and my older one when he's here,,is this not a good thing for all three of my children?

And isnt it wrong for the custodail parent to block my attempts to be a part of my childs life while he's living with them.
I feel like its a power trip with them over me, as if there saying "we have him, you dont, so that makes you a bad parent instantly"
The stepmom puts all my attempts down, for one real example, I bought shoes for his birthday, but there not good enough, because there velcro and not shoe laces, and she made sure I knew that, in one of her nasty emails to me. I send school supplies, its not good enough because it didnt cost me a fortune, and so on!

I just want to know ,would there continuence of making me feel like crap really end, once I was no longer a "long distance" non primary care mom?

Probably. Even if you moved back, it would take time for everyone to adjust. But I would never let something like someone treating me badly keep me from my chilren.

I notice that you are mentioning that if you moved back you would have to put your older child in after school care. I'm sure that wouldn't be the case- he would go after school to where ever it is he goes now.

Yes, a move now would be very disruptive to your life, your husband's life and your other kids' lives. But I can't think of a more important and worthwhile reason to disrupt your life than to be close to all of your children. When your child is grown, do you think that he will look back and feel good about the fact that you left him, moved out of state and built a new life without him? I doubt that he will feel OK with it because after you realized what a horrible mistake you had made that you thought about moving back, but it wouldn't have been convenient.

You have made a real mess of things. You could try to start making it right, or you can sit and whine about how you are being unfairly treated by the dad and stepmom. Which of those two options do you think will make a difference to your oldest child?

And for goodness sake, stop worrying so much about yourself. While I can see the issues that would make a move back difficult, it strikes me that you are talking a lot about how you feel and how you are being treated. I don't see you worrying about how your child feels about it at all. Your posts just sound so selfish to me.

This mother has already admitted that she wishes she had never given up her child to his father. That is over and apparantly can't be undone. Now you are telling her to disrupt the life of the rest of her family to be closer to her son when it most likely wouldn't change even if she did. The stepmother is just a vindictive person and has no problem making this women feel bad. If it was the father that had given up the boy to his mother and moved away and was doing all the things that this woman is doing for her son long distance, you would be saluting this father for making the effort to stay in his son's life. So why is it so different for a woman. Granted, most mothers wouldn't give up their children for anything, but it happens and for various circumstances. This woman at least gave the father custody and didn't just leave him in the social services system. Think hard ladies about what she is asking you advice for. She didn't ask whether she made a mistake about giving her child to his father, she asked why she was being treated so bad when she is trying so hard to be a part of her son's life even if it is from a distance. We must be careful that we don't initiate a double standard here based on who has custody. This does not help the situation. We have all heard the stories or know people that have custody of their kids and are not there for them, so why are you so hard on this women for doing the best that she can. Please try and be more supportive and not so judgemental, remember, she did what she felt was best for her son. She certainly didn't think about herself when she made that decision.

MIStepMom thanks, you hit it right on the nail, my emotions are poring out over this forum for some help, I seem to not be asking for advice on how to deal with vindictive people the right way, soooo many are only seeing stepmoms side of things, but you see that there are more sides than the primary custodial's side.

"And for goodness sake, stop worrying about yourself so much"

What I do worry about is what my child is seeing happening between my exhusband-stepmom and I. and how this is truly affecting him, I worry that them being so vindictive is hurting my child, just as much as my move away. They really do act like my 11 year old doesnt know how they conversate with me,they act like them doing this doesnt affect him, BECAUSE ,they say, they've never done it in front of him. Really though, my child is smarter than they give him credit for, as most children are in tune to family relations, even if they dont know what to say or do about it.
I know stepmom doesnt like when I call for my son, because this is how it goes, I ask hi is **** there, she says no he's out with his dad, I say politely, would you have him call me when they get back, she says sarcastically IF HE WANTS TO. This is what I'm asking help on, I mean why does she have to be so NASTY, when my child is with me for the summer, I know how important it is to talk to your child, so when they call and our child is out playing or in the shower etc. I simply say, sure I'll tell him you called and have him call you back......whats so hard about this! This is what I have to deal with in many other topics with them to. I dont see why they have to do this, is this helping our child, is this a good thing for him, is this kind of arguing going to be better for my child on a day to day or week to week basis, should I move close to him?
I see so many children out there who have parents who fight over them, and to be honest my son is in a better place then them, even though he has to miss seeing me more often in order to have this somewhat peace, between his parents.

I only gave up the arguing and fighting over my child, I didnt give up my child.

I would love to be in dads and stepmoms shoes. The way they complain all the time that I dont do enough, seems to me like there saying its been a hassle for them to raise my child on a day to day basis, rather then a privalege!

One other true example of why I feel they only want money from me and not wish to include me in my childs life: dad initially pays for all medical and sports fees, then mails me the receipts and I reimburse him half back. So one day I get a copy of a soccer kick-a-thon PLEDGE SHEET (not an actual receipt)with a note asking me to reimburse him half of his pledge, which was a measly $5 ! It's not the amount of money that bothers me so, it's the fact that dad didnt even consider informing me of a soccer kick-a-thon and ask me to make a pledge for our son....I would of loved to been asked to participate in my childs pledge....instead I get told what and when Im to pay for something and then they use, come on its for your son, its the least you can do, its only $5. I never paid it to this day, because for the first thing I wasnt included, and the second they demanded it from me, like it was part of his soccer fees, which a pledge is not part of the registration-uniforms-and gear fees. How would you feel if your ex does these kind of things to you all the time?

Dear BioMomof3:

I hear the same things from our children's stepmother and often feel as if I have lost my own son because we have become so estranged. A mother misses her children and can even experience empty nest syndrome when they go to live with their father for whatever reason. I challenged him on custody too and lost.

You've given me some ideas I hadn't thought of on how to tell our children that I love them. Here are some that have worked for me. For school communication try getting his teacher to email you the newsletter she may send home on a weekly basis. I have experienced your frustration in getting the school to keep me informed. One year I discovered that I was not listed as mother but the "other" person and stepmom had gotten listed instead. Keep on trying. Send self-addressed stamped envelopes and ask that the regular report that goes home with your son also get copied and sent to you. My best advocates have been other moms who coordinate volunteer activities so maybe you could try the head "soccer mom" who organizes the kick-a-thons. The coach could possibly put you in touch. Try to stay as positive as possible and not mention anything negative otherwise, people back off and think you're trying to involve them in the conflict. Just that you love your son and want to be involved. I have met one woman who was estranged from her son until he reached adulthood and now they have a good relationship. So there's hope. What we are experiencing is called Parental Alienation or Hostile Aggressive Parenting and it happens to both moms and dads. It's terrible for our children and heartwrenching for us. All one can do is not say anything negative about them no matter what. I try to keep in mind with the stepmom's rude behavior (hangups, lectures and yelling obscenities and slandering my character) that she has to be married to my former spouse and feels it necessary to be loyal to him and is vulnerable to whatever suggestions he may make as to my character.

Hope this helps with dealing with stepmoms. I hope they read this and we can do more co-mommying. I love the movie "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It would be nice if we could work things out. Keep on loving your son. Mine is on Prozac and diagnosed with OCD so I worry about him and am not consulted about his treatment. I am trying to assert my rights legally but it is a costly proposition. Non-custodial moms are good mothers and we love our children even when distance separates us. Living in the same town may not be wise if the resources (social, emotional, financial and physical) are not available. I hesitate for these reasons and I am single. Yet I long to be with them for after school stuff and not miss any more school awards events, musicals, plays, Science Fairs, etc.

One more thing I've been thinking of trying is giving a cell phone that can only dial my number and has unlimited incoming minutes. This bypasses the difficulty of trying to actually get a call through and puts things more in control of our kids if they want to call or pick up without encountering hostility from other members of the household.

These are great ideas, freemom, but this poster isn't around anymore (the post is from '03)