i want to smell my mom one more time

15 years ago

omg... my heart is breaking... i've been an orphan since July 25, 2006. I lost my dad on June 8, 2005; my Mother on July 25, 2006.

there are days when i'm sort of okay... then there are weeks where i can barely get out of bed...

since my mom died i've had 4 jobs... none of them have lasted... i've had pets that have died.... my own business failed...

it just seems like without her, i cant be successful at anything.

the actual physical pain in my chest from missing her is so unbearable at times, i have to take medication and use my inhaler because i have asthma attacks from crying so much.

on july 21 my mother had gone to her breathing specialist. he said her lungs were clear and he'd see her in 3 months. by 10pm that nite she was admitted to the hospital with water on her lungs. in less than 8 hours, the amount of water in her lungs was enough that her oxygen levels were dropping sharply. she died of aspiration pneumonia 4 days later.

i too have dreams where i talk to her, we laugh, etc... then i wake to find her gone... daylight is a cruel companion.

just last night i was about to hug her and smell the smell once more of "mom" i just wanted to inhale her... i've an extremely acute sense of smell and taste, but my eyesite and hearing are very poor.

to me, everyone has their own smell. i cannot describe how mom smelled, but it was just "mom" it is just one of the things i cant get back.... i have photos, etc... i can hear her voice in my head - even when awake... but to hug her and smell "mom".... it hurts just to want it and know i can never have that again.

i can so relate to all of the posts i have read here. i dread the thought of thanksgiving and christmas yet again without her...

i have dreams five and six times a week... and yet she's gone when i wake up....

i hate living like this...............

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Comments (5)

ruthieg__tx
15 years ago
Have you considered getting some professional help. Sometimes we just can't get beyond issues on our own and it seems to me that you might need the help of a professional.
sueque67
15 years ago
Grief is a very powerful emotion but when it takes a hold of your life and consumes you, it is now called "Depression".
You have to ask yourself, would your Mom want you to live in this zombie-like state? I don't mean to be harsh but my belief is everyone is put on this earth to live and then die. And for loved ones that have passed we WILL meet again someday.
For the family that is left here on earth we must go on and try to live a good life until it is our time to go.
That is the way they would want it to be for you.
I too have had close loved one pass and I wished I would have had more time with them. But I have the wonderful memories that I cherish everyday. The old saying is true, "Gone, but not forgotten".
I know they would be very upset with me if I let the grief consume me and not live my life to the fullest that I can.
Talking to friends, family, Pastor or a Professional can help. You can overcome this depression. You are not alone.
You say you hate living like this, only you can take that first step to overcoming it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get some help. I battled depression some years ago and know what it is like.
I will keep you in my thoughts. And will wish you strength to have a very happy and productive life.
Susan :)
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Believe it or not, I thought I was going to have to take my mom to emergency AGAIN! The last two weeks have been pretty hectic for me. Our first grandchild was born and she had serious breathing difficulties. She improved quickly, but, in the meantime, I didn't go visit my mother as often as usual. And last week we took a two day trip to see the baby. When I finally saw my mother yesterday, I discovered that she had not had a bowel movement for ten days. TEN DAYS!! She never said anything to me before we left and she wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't noticed her "poop" calendar. All I could think of was, "Oh, great! Another trip to the emergency room!" I wanted to avoid that at almost any cost; it would be too embarrassing. So I took her to the drugstore to buy an enema bag. At her assisted living apartment, I put it together (I ended up with two blisters from connecting the ribbed plastic tubing to all the parts.) I told her to add Milk of Magnesia to her daily routine and take the Dulcolax every night instead of twice a week. Then I left and crossed my fingers. I just called her and the enema worked. Thank goodness! I dreaded taking her to the doctor again over her constipation. Even though I've got signs up in her apartment and lecture her every time I see her, I now know that she absolutely cannot be trusted to drink anywhere near the amount of water she should be consuming. So I will now have to buy her four gallons of bottled water each week. I'm going to mark them so she'll know she has to consume at least half of the gallon each day. I'm also going to give her one of our giant, oversized tumblers and tell her she need to drink three glassfuls each day. She's already taking four Metamucil tablets and three stool softeners each day. And every Monday & Thursday she takes Dulcolax. She really shouldn't be having a problem, but I know that the missing key is the water intake. As you can tell, this situation frustrates me. She has other problems -- wet macular degeneration & severe osteoarthritis in her knees. The doctors haven't been able to help either of those problems, But at least she can do something to ease her constipation! Thanks for listening, Sue
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Hello Alisha, I wanted to add to the wise advice given above. It's possible that due to the overwhelming effects of hormones on your Mom's mood, she may need an antidepressant to help her cope right now. This is where the MD comes in -- he/she most likely would be willing to give your Mom a script for medication, and if your Mom is struggling to the degree you described, she may find some relief from taking it. I know I did. Also have your Mom ask the doctor to check her Vitamin D levels. I was shocked to discover I had almost none, even though I made it a point to get sunshine. Vitamin D affects many aspects of our physical health, and I wouldn't be surprised if your Mom's levels are low. The fact that you are there to offer her your support and comfort is wonderful. What a huge blessing you are to your Mom! It must be difficult to see her going through this, but please know your Mom's symptoms will slowly but surely start to improve in the next year or so. She's already been going through the worst of it. It's sad that many people don't understand the first thing about menopause. It's important that your Dad recognizes this is not "all in her head." The physical and emotional changes resulting from hormonal fluctuations are vey real and significant. Reassure your Dad that your Mom won't be in this phase forever, that she is still the same wonderful person, and she needs comfort and moral support. She's not crazy at all, she's snapping because she feels she's not being heard and there's a chance she isn't. Men seem to want to solve problems when a lot of the time a woman is just looking for some validation and reassurance. You are the sunshine in your Mom's life right now, and those walks are lifesavers in terms of stress reduction and overall health. Hopefully your parents can get out to see a movie or enjoy a nice dinner and perhaps take some walks together too. Please tell your Mom there is a rainbow at the end of the storm and she's close to seeing it. God bless you for being such a loving daughter!
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User
15 years ago
Hi Berniceann,
My mother passed away on 8 June this summer. I miss her a great deal but I truly feel I will see her again when it's my time to go Home to God. I felt like you are now when my dad died young from cancer at 59. I was 21. Everything felt horrible to me.
Time is a healer. It took me 2 years to start letting go and thinking of my dad at peace and no longer suffering.
I agree with getting some help. At the very least can you talk to you doctor about this? Call and book a long appointment. I feel for you. My Mom was 81 and unwell for many years. This time I found myself grieving before she passed on to be with my Dad. I grieved for her loss of independence, zest and being the Mom I knew when she had better health. Your Mom would be very sad to see you feeling this way. If she were here would she not want you to get some help?
Did your Mom have a favorite perfume, soap? Sometimes that helps.
There is a great book called Echos of the Soul by E. Bodine. A friend lent it to me and I found it very comforting. It may be available in your library.
Please keep talking to us. We are here for you. Are you an only child? Is there another family member you can talk to?
I can be contacted through my members page if you want to talk. I understand your pain and I know depression. There is light. There is love for you. Please email me if you would like to just talk. I'm a great listener.
Hugs to you,
Peggy
darzie
15 years ago
My Mom passed away 6 months ago I know how difficult this is, I feel your pain.I seem to have the hardest times at night,But my kids comfort me and make me feel better. i write her in a journal you should try that. And try to do something for yourself like take walks or go shopping. And when i want to smell my Mom I get a piece of her clothing and smell it that helps too. God bless, darzie
kms4me
15 years ago
Berniceann,

Maybe you could start feeling that the dreams of your mother are a wonderful gift. Instead of morning being a cruel separation, you might think of your night time as a wonderful time to be reunited, a gift maybe from beyond from her.

Many of us would love to dream of those we've lost. For me, I hardly ever dream of anyone that's passed before me, and I really wish I could. I'd love to see them again, even if only in my dreams.

Peggy has said some very wise things as well.

Take care, sorry for your pain,

Kate

i want to smell my mom one more time

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ruthieg__tx

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