It's in their bedroom, not in yours! This should be a non issue to you.

Mrs. S, I think you are going the flip side of Marie Brown, going over the top. I actually do think MB is overthinking this. But you have to look at the facts too and not just assume here is another evil (future) SM going after a poor little COD. This was originally MB’s home and she doesn’t want it displayed, because her fiancé and his ex- bought it on their honeymoon. MB stated she felt icky about this, for whatever reason. She has that right. The move-in was four years ago, and I assume the divorce or split occurred even earlier.

However, having said that, when you are a SM, you do need to choose your battles, and this one, believe me, is probably not a hill to die on.

It is very unfair for anyone to assume this is some kind of jealousy issue or lack of maturity. Step-parents matter and have feelings too. This child is not MB’s parenteral responsibility. It is bio-mom’s and bio-dad’s. There should be no expectation that MB sacrifices all for someone else’s child. BM and bio-dad had the child, THEY chose to end the marriage, and they are the ones who need to bear the brunt of their decision and how that affects their children.

SM’s main responsibility is as dad’s wife or SO. Yes, she cares for this child too, But she and her husband or SO have the right to set expectations and boundaries for their own home. Artwork is usually a choice that both husband and wife make. Most people would agree that, yes, a couple has the right to decorate a home how they choose. But, I also agree that sometimes one does sacrifice because so-and-so wants to have the singing-bass hanging in the living room or similar.

But, to rip into MB and accuse her of being jealous or immature or not ready to fully commit to this man because she doesn’t want a questionable piece of art hanging in her home is absolutely ridiculous. Very few women would want a piece of art hanging anywhere in their home that was given to their DH by some other woman, regardless. But, throw the step-mom word in there, and suddenly SM is an evil monster just for daring to question what is coming into her OWN home.

Thank you Kim, i think your last paragraph hit the nail on the head and what Mrs.S said doesnt bother me at all, i figured someone would bring the evil

Sm into it. I am in no way jealous, their divorce was many years before we even met, both parties have moved on and we have been together almost 8 years now. It just feels odd to have art they picked out on their honeymoon. I mean, their honeymoon, not a random vacation, hahaha and bothpieces are about 4 ft round each Thats the only reason im feeling mixed about it. We actually have other furniture and stuff weve merged into our home. Im kind of surprised nobody suggested the kids mom having them hanging at her house.

Well, I don't mean to be harsh, and for that I'm sorry. If her soon-husband wanted to hang the art, I definitely think that would be up for discussion! But a child.... a child...

Shouldn't a step-mother want children to like her? That's all. I think a step-parent must need to be extra careful and ready to smooth over feelings, in order to help everyone transition for the good of the children.

Btw, I don't think you're evil. You're figuring out a tough situation. Very tough. Do you really want to be in this situation, where decor issues bring on battles? And where the future-husband takes his kids' side over yours? That's the other side of this. I think it's a very tough situation for all. That's all.

In re-reading my first post, I agree that it's over the top, and not helpful. Sorry for it! I do wish Marie the best.

Agreed, i definately dont want to be the bad person, i probably go above and beyond to avoid that already. Just so you know i havent said anything to kids or dad about the art, wanted to process it first, and from the comments ill continue to be silent, if they hang them, oh well. Curious... does it make a difference if the "child" is 16? So im sure hes aware where this art came from.

>>So im sure hes aware where this art came from.<<

Maybe not. Maybe it's just a picture that was always there when he was a child, and he liked it. Do you believe he's thinking, (especially at age 12 as he was then), "Aha! Here's a picture Dad and Mom bought on their honeymoon! It will really irk Marie Brown if I put it up in my bedroom! Heh heh heh!" Of course not. I doubt your BF and his ex even mentioned the picture's provenance in front of the kids: it's not something I've ever felt the need to mention about my art choices.

Honestly, if this picture had _not_ been a honeymoon purchase of youe BF and ex's, would you just think, "Well, it's hideous but it's not my room and I don't have to look with it"? It's unlikely to be stirring fond memories in your BF's mind, especially as he probably rarely sees it as well.

Don't overthink this and give the picture significance it probably doesn't have.

I beleive you are right, ive asked myself the same question that if it wasnt bought then, would i care? Oh well, guess its going up. ;)

Here are my thoughts - children of divorce will always want something to remind them of both parents being together. It's not their fault that the marriage didn't work and even if there was constant fighting, horrible experiences, etc, it's human nature to remember the good, long after a bad situation has passed. Kids look at themselves as extensions of both parents. SS may see those pics as something both mom and dad loved at one point and feel a sense of closeness to it for that reason only. Heck, he may not even "like" the art, but it makes him feel good because mom and dad bought it together - just like they made him; together. .

I'm glad to see you say it's going up and that you'll stay silent about it, because any other decision could be harmful to your SS's psyche. IMO, it's our jobs as SM's to suffer in silence, in certain situations, for the sake of the children that are brought into our lives by no choice of their own. Love him enough to let him hang any darn picture he wants...

I'd draw the line at pictures of naked women. Let him hide those under the mattress like any other kid.

This is a stereotype: “it's our jobs as SM's to suffer in silence for the sake of the children that are brought into our lives by no choice of their own.” Wow! Absolutely not. Neither SM nor the SKs asked for mom and dad to divorce. Mom and dad made that choice on their own.

Marriages and relationships take place all the time between people that we have no control over. A 17-year-old may start dating a Marilyn Manson look-alike, and everyone is expected to take it all in stride and stay out of it. A few years later, that 17-year-old may even decide to marry MM. Uncle Harry marries aunt Sue. Everyone thinks she’s a be.atch, but favorite uncle Harry marries her anyway because he sees a different side to her and knows she’s the love of his life. In all of these cases and more, people were brought into our lives by no choice of our own. But, for the most part, people make it work. No one expects anyone to suffer in silence. It is just the way it is.

But, throw the term SM in the mix, and suddenly SM is to suffer in silence and put up with being at the bottom of the list. SM is supposed to cook, clean, and wipe bloody noses all without expecting anything in return, including not even expecting respect. She is to have no say in her own marriage to DH or her own household. She is to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else’s children. She is the family’s servant. Any issues arise from a divorce that she had no part in, and she is supposed to be just fine being the family scapegoat. Mom and dad’s hands are always supposed to be clean, for the sake of the children.

Then these SKs grow up, and continue to treat SM as the family servant and dad’s piece on the side, even as adults. After all, they re just following everyone else’s lead. However, doesn’t this sound to be me more like something from The Handmaid’s Tale, then a life any woman should ever be expected to contend with under any circumstances? Unless she is in the lowly approx. 6% of SMs who had an affair with dad, who then divorced mom, and dad and SM went on to marry, SM had no part in mom and dad’s divorce ether.

SM married dad xpecting to be his wife and treated as such. No SM that I know of married a man expecting to suffer in silence for anyone. No one in any marriage or relationship should. Abused women, for example, were told they had to suffer in silence for years. Ridiculous! Yes, a woman knows marrying a man with children from a previous relationship will have its unique challenges. But, the anticipation is that for the most part, people will make it work. No one should have the expectation that SM is to let anyone in the family walk all over her. This idea that everyone has value in a family, except for step-parents has got to end, and it reeks more of a stereotype from the early 1900s than the 2000s.

HAHA @ sushipup1 - touche!

Kim - you took that to a much different level than I was speaking of. In regards to the topic of this thread, I believe my opinion is valid and I'm sorry if my comment was too generalized. No one mentioned lack of respect. No one mentioned abuse.

I DO believe that we are to cook, teach (my SK's help me clean), wipe bloody noses, etc with no expectations. And knowing I was coming into a broken family and creating a new piece of it, I believe it's my job to love the kids the best I can, knowing that the love I get in return is not a natural instinct, but instead it's something that's earned over time, through trust and consistency. How could one expect a SK's trust if they were to react in jealousy over something that makes them feel good inside? (aka, a pic mom and dad picked out) I absolutely demand respect, however. I believe that discipline is a part of love. But I know that I'm not mom. I may do all the things a Mom does, but I do it because my SK's deserve someone who loves them enough to put themselves last in certain situations - just like most mom's do.

I agree completely with what you are saying and, like I said above, I do think the OP was overthinking the issue. However, I don't think it was necessarily jealous for her to question a picture coming into her home. It was not at her taste level (and art is very taste specific), and it was something that her DH and his ex- brought on their honeymoon. I would have been more surprised if it didn't at least cause her a moment of pause.

But, the OP did the right thing, and sought out opinions and decided to let this one go. What I object to is people acting like she had no right to even come here and seek advice, or that it should have been natural for her to just suck it up and take it. No. htwo82 it sounds like you are doing an excellent with your SKs, with discipline and insisting on respect. However, I'm not sure where you are at in the SM process, but this is a slippery slope. SMs have it hard enough without labels of jealousy and being told, "our jobs as SM's [are] to suffer in silence for the sake of the children" being thrown at them.

Most SMs know that they are not the mom and they try to make the best of being married to dad and being his wife and balancing taking care of his children without overreaching. But, things can change over time. Too often if there are any family issues, and in this case, one as minor as a picture coming into a home, SM winds up with the short end of the stick.

Nonetheless, my apologies to you too. I can tell from the above you were well intentioned.

ETA: One of the original responses was deleted and others edited after I gave my responses. Not saying that this can't be done, but just giving an FYI so others know that I was reacting to more than just what they now see above.