Husband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren
artsielady
15 years ago
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sylviatexas1
15 years agoRelated Discussions
What Do You Do With ALL Your Free Time
Comments (40)Trailrunner, I hear what you are saying about the value of work, & how it contributes to lives, to society, to who we are. We are interdependent & couldn't get through a single day without the contributions of 100's of people! Isn't that a humbling thought? The efforts of so many are simply vital! One week without trash pick-up illustrates that reality beautifully! We really are all connected. We also live in a world where WORK is given so very much attention & adulation for all the wrong reasons! What people do to earn money (& of course how much they earn!) often defines them to an extent that I personally find bizarre. I know you know what I'm talking about! That is why I care less about how people earn a living than with other features of their humanity. What interests me the most about the people who have impressed me over the years, is a certain "quality of attention" they give to a task, no matter how grand or humble it may be. That presence, that "flow" as it has been called, is being fully human, & is strikingly beautiful. The way someone who is mindful & present sets a table, prepares a meal, interacts with a child, speaks to strangers, can mesmerize me. We can witness life in it's fullest, most whole, complete & beautiful, by seeing even the simplest thing done with great care. But, moments like that can easily be overlooked & or seen as meaningless in this world so obsessed with career paths & success strategies. Still, indeed, I well agree that a person can perform the work they do for a living with the care, attention & presence I am referring to, & when that happens, we are all made better! (Actually, you, your dh, your son & his wife (at the restaurant) impress me as fine examples of people who live like this!) You nursed the sick, you sang opera, you ran the trails. You have seen others nurse, sing & run as well. I would imagine that you did all of these things attentively, lovingly, mindfully, but certainly you have witnessed these tasks performed robotically or in a "check list" sort of fashion. For me, it is not the "what" but the "how" that leads to completion, wholeness, fufillment, whether we are "working" or not. Whatever we are doing, matters little in the end, but what could be sweeter than to feel content with "how" we've done things, no matter what they were, no matter how small or insignificant? To live with true quality of attention, to do our best, no matter if anyone is looking or a paycheck is in the mail. With this approach to life, when one "retires" the habit of living mindfully & being present has enriched the heart & mind so fully that a "deficit" or void of any kind is not perceived. Life in all of its fullness continues to surprise, delight & offer rich rewards, even without the job, title, paycheck & all the status & approval from others that those things confer....See MoreSpending time with boyfriend and his son
Comments (11)Also ... love is wonderful, but it is not always enough except in fairy tales. Love can and does die under stress and repeated bombardment by forces outside of the relationship. When people think that love alone will get you through, it scares me because I can see the writing of doom for the relationship on the wall. All of us here love the people that we married and we love our parents and our children and sometimes even the stepchildren - but as you can read from these posts ... if marriage is difficult (which trust me - it is)then marriage to a man that has a son and an (always present in his life) ex will be at least 4 times as difficult ... especially for a young person that doesn't have the experience to deal with parenting and relationships involving a third party. The love songs are BS otherwise the divorce rate wouldn't be so high - especially among those that bring in "baggage". If BF is going to court for visitation, you can expect that every weekend will be devoted to the child or at least include the child. Yes, you will be the step mother if you marry this man and many times you will be watching him while DH is working or otherwise occupied ... for the rest of your relationship. Do you like going out on weekends? How does Chuck E Cheese sound? Be home by 7PM so that you have time for a bath before bed time.Its a grave responsibility you are considering. Just give it due consideration....See Moreadult step son and his girlfriend lives with us
Comments (5)thank you both. much has happened in the past month..i have been making progress with CBT and EMDR and guided meditation..working on ways to have discussions with out arguments..i feel i have more control over my emotions and able to speak up more. "It is *not* normal to expect someone to live in such close quarters with so many other people, unless you're on a submarine." exactly! and for some reason he thought it was ok..and thought it selfish of me to want to want them out and to be alone.. relationships are compromise.. i let them stay , it was kind of me and they took advantage of it. . good news they left last week and i have my upstairs space back! hubby and i are not speaking for the past few days.. as they kids left a big mess with food trash in the room.. when i told him that they disrespected me he thought that i was being crazy..(His whole family has a hoarder trash problem. his mom the worst and i guess it passed on DNA because they think it is normal! .i am not OCD, just want to be rodent free!) i have been in therapy and what is making my life so stressful is his family and his need to take care of them..casting my needs aside.. they are all good..his mom re married and has money, kids have jobs and cars and are not into drugs or alcohol..all good⦠y et he does not take care of me..never a dinner out or a vacation...he still feels that he should pay his daughters car loan and insurance when she just got a raise and is earning 30K now..he thinks of them as high school kids and they are around 25.. I did ask him to go to therapy to work out this spouse vs his kids/mom problem.. i am standing my ground and i funny, am not upset anymore..time will tell if he makes changes in his life to cherish me, he is depressed and his decision making is not taking my life , desires and feelings into account.. life is short and i am feeling my age and i will not live my life according to other peoples decisions any longer. i do love him so. smart , talented , works and learns..but to be cast aside and my feeling ignored and told it is because i am crazy and "on my period" is just more of what men do to women when women voice their opinion. i cleaned the upstairs and have a nice bed and sewing area and it is clean and peaceful. nice to hear from you ladies with good advice. i hope that you see this post back to you..i have met some nice women on line... now to get him into a few sessions and some reading material . perhaps he will try to meditate or guided meditation. i have a trained person that has helped me "see".. best d.dee...See MoreHusbands relationship with his ex step son
Comments (12)No one here is being cruel or not thinking about the child. They are thinking about the realities of life in general and how this child has already been dealt a blow by his bio-parents. There is a saying among step-parents that you cannot care more than the bio parent does. This isn’t meant literally, because, sure bio-parents can be off-base with their own children, and a step-parent can literally care more about someone else’s child than that bio-parent cares about their own. However, speaking figuratively, if a step-parent cares more than the bio-parent, they will be accused by all—mom, dad, professional counselors, society—of mega-overstepping their bounds. Plus, legally they have no rights to this child whatsoever. And, in this case, neither HU-249048672 nor her husband have any legal rights regarding this child. Those rights, by law, only apply to bio-mom and bio-dad. The one exception would be if bio-dad gave up any rights to his son whatsoever and step-dad legally adopted him. Step situations can and usually are very complex. You have no legal rights as a SP. The court and society as a whole heavily, heavily favors the bio-parents, and especially BM, no matter what mud slinging or accusations are being made. Society tells SPs all the time we need to mind our own business; that is, until the bio-parents start messing up big time. THEN, all of a sudden, any and all burdens are placed on our shoulders and we are supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else’s child when the bio-parents aren’t even willing to put in much effort for their OWN child. You mention this particular child, that has two parents already, the bio-parents. You imply that ex- step-father may already be some sort of father-figure to this child, so, what does that imply? HU-249048672 is supposed to give up her life and her own children and toss that all aside to deal with a child who is rude, demanding and otherwise petty and with a BM who appears to be into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) big-time! I don’t think so. Don’t judge. The bio-parents already messed up the kid. That is THEIR burden to carry. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix bio-mom or bio-dad or any of their children. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix a family that has been broken for years. What? Bio-mom and bio-dad get to screw around, do whatever, shirk their responsibilities, and then the step-parent, who probably already has another family or two that they have to take care of, is supposed to step in and take all of the risk, including any of her own children's stability, to “save” this family too? And, then, you know what step-mom or step-dad’s Thank-you is going to be for all of that? To be told by everyone on this planet that they are intrusive and over-reaching and need to mind their place. SKs will think the same, even as adults, and want little to nothing to do with step-mom or step-dad. None of this, “It’s for the child’s sake.” The bio-parents already put a dagger into this kid’s heart, it sounds like. A step-parent cannot care more than the bio-parents. That is all there is to it. If the child was #1 in the bio-parents’ lives, they would have stayed married and sucked it up and took it for their OWN children vs. divorce, remarry, and then expect their spouse to suck it up and take it for someone else’s children....See Moreathlete2010
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15 years agoathlete2010
15 years agoJulie Brookover
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7 years agolast modified: 7 years ago
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