If you were unhappy as, say, a bank teller, & you wanted to quit, what would you do?

You would say, "I quit", & you would stop doing that job.

same here.

As long as you keep doing what you've always done ("everybody is *counting on* me"), nobody else will do it.

Put dad & mom on notice, & then quit.

As so many wise women have advised here in the past: "Disengage".

It might help to repeat to yourself: "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

reflection from my own very long past:

I once was married to someone who drew up a contract dividing our financial responsibilities. He would pay the house payment, & I would pay utilities & buy groceries.

It worked for a while, but the house payment was a fixed rate, & utilities & groceries skyrocketed.

He had a high-paying job & I had a low-paying one.

When my situation became so tight that I was riding the bus & brown bagging my lunch, & he was driving a new car & eating out every day, when I had no money for *anything* & he bought expensive pipe tobacco & lots of "toys", I finally asked for help.

& he said..."this is what we agreed to."

I hardly ever think about this anymore, because it makes me so angry *at myself*.

Why did I not just *stop*, just let the electricity, gas, & water get disconnected?

These parents don't have to do anything different because there are no consequences.

taken,

You may want to sit down with your husband to define Roles and Responsibilities. If your ex is still in the picture, define his Role and Responsibilities to your bio children too. Periodical review if all of you are stick to the decisions and make any required corrections. No need to be over responsible and short change yourself.

sylvia,

Sorry to hear what happened to you in the past. Glad you had been out of that trap long while ago.

I think household expense needs to be proportional to income, the ratio should be adjusted periodically.

In the case like yours, you should stick to the dollar amount for utility and grocery as you two original agreed to, as there never had a clause required you to making payment adjustment due to price inflation. When there was no enough grocery, it would force both of you to re-negotiation. By continuously paying more for your share, in fact, you masked problems caused by the original poor decision.

Again, what you did shows us in general women tend to be too consideration and carry more load than our fair share.

scuse me?

or should I say "thanks. I guess?"

We weren't (at least so I thought) greedy, ambitious partners in a business firm, each one trying to out-maneuver the other & drain the other's resources for our own benefit.

We were a married couple, & I expected a mutually supportive relationship.

When we first divided the expenses, they *were* proportional.

The problem was not that I had failed to negotiate a contract; the problem was that my spouse was a greedy brat & a bully...& he outbluffed me.

The point of the story wasn't the budget; it was the uneven distribution of responsibility & the revelation that the partner you thought would "love, honor" etc is willing to work you to death to keep from doing his fair share, while taking refuge in the fact that "you've always done this" or "this is what we agreed to".

When you're married to someone who makes it (seemingly) impossible for you to escape from crushing obligations that you wouldn't have if you weren't in the relationship, you have to shuck those responsibilities.

In OP's situation, the responsibilities belong to her husband anyway, not to her.

sylvia,

No need to thank me, in fact, We should say "thank you" for sharing your experience to help OP.

From your postings, it is very clear that you honored love, commitment, and marriage, so you did everything you could, yet your ex was not. I thought when things were off track, treat the relationship like business might help....but this thinking could be totally wrong...as when a person became heartless, he would always find excuses to take advantage of others.