You may not be able to control what she does but you can control how you react, what you choose to do. Keep the restraining order. That keeps her away from you. If she shows up, then call the police (take her picture with your phone). Turn off your phones when the child is over. No phones on means no answering calls. Sure it will irritate her but so what? It will make your home more peaceful. I have a no electronics rule from 5 pm through about 7 pm. All phones are off. If it is a true emergency then someone can drive to my house. Your bf can tell her that he will have their child call her at 7 or 8 pm to say goodnight, if that is what usually happens. It is your (plural) house so establish rules and boundaries that work for your family and stick to them. If they have joint custody then his Dad should go have a meeting with the teacher and request an IEP- it is for learning disabilities. A child who is struggling in school will act up because they are not able to do the work, become very frustrated, don't fit in with the other kids. Perhaps he needs some assistance in school to help in. Schools push alot of material at kids and they need to be able to keep up. If the Mom is doing his homework for him then it sounds like the homework is too much for him and so it is easier for Mom to just do it for him. Many districts have special reading specialists for elementary kids. I would pursue having him tested, talking to the teacher about how he is struggling. This should be a positive time for him in school, if it is not then someone needs to figure out how to make it better. I would also take him to counseling. A 7 yr old should not be deliberately hurting or taking frustration out on animals. If she is bipolar and not taking meds, is she mentally competent to care for him? Is she doing the basic things that are required? I feel very sad for this little boy and the situation. I hope you can figure out how to improve the circumstances.

This is my whole point. BM's who do these things are all about control and what they think they are "entitled" to in the name of the kids. "Kill them with kindness" is all good and fine for some but I've discovered that taking away their "control" is what really works. No BM should be calling DH b/c of something that happened at her house. It's not your DH's problem anymore. He doesn't live there. At the same time, what happens at DH house is none of BM's business. The parents should be able to call and speak to kids no matter where they are if it's within reason. In our case, it wasn't so we chose to add $10 a month to our cell phone bill and get the kids a cell phone. Believe me it was $10 well spent. We got the 7 yr old a "migo" cell phone which is age appropriate and prevents him from running up a bill. There are always ways to deal with these ex's properly, you just have to put some thought into it sometimes and make it happen. Most of them are not about the DH or the kids but getting to the woman who replaced them. Most of the time it works until it's you squash her like the roach she is. As SMOMS, we are not powerless and even though a lot of people say (and I HATE this), "It's not YOUR problem, don't let it bother you". Well it becomes our problem. Not only b/c we are human and have natural protective instincts, but also b/c it feels like an overstep of boundaries and an invasion of privacy and NO ONE has a right to that. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "What if this person were a stranger?" Would you allow such behavior? If the answer is "no", do something. It's time for us SMOMS to stop feeling like and being treated like a 3rd wheel in our own lives! There! Sermon over! LOL Sorry if I got a little carried away there. : )

"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. If this can't be agreed upon between current spouses, it is not the ex-spouse's fault, and they shouldn't be dragged into the mess. If the CS arrangement is unsatisfactory to both current spouses, seek to have it changed instead of whining/nickel-and-diming/b.s. psychological games. If it's satisfactory to one spouse but not SP, or if expenditures just CANNOT be agreed upon no matter what, then maybe consider splitting finances. But acknowledge that it is the CURRENT SPOUSES who cannot agree on expenditures or come up with a workable plan, so it isn't anyone else's fault or burden to bear if you two can't work it out between yourselves.

Ok, to clarify, my issue is not what their rules are. Its the dont tell or your in trouble policy. This goes back to the inappropriate touching issue. My youngest DD in trouble for telling me that the step-sister had touched her inappropriately. Yes, call it nosey, call it controlling whatever, but when I get the "I'm not supposed to tell" speech that's when I get upset. THere is a history of I'm not supposed to tell stuff that has gone on. Getting in trouble specifically, the girls will figure that part out, and stay under the radar eventually. The kids are not allowed to call the OP and whine about being in trouble. That goes for both houses, so we are on the same page. Even if they did call their dad, I have nothing to hide and will not prevent them from telling their dad they are in trouble. TO KATHLINE, to answer you. Funny because as I was responding back to SM yesterday as she asked me what I thought of her parenting style. My thought was...well on one hand you are too lineant (sp) and then on the other have some really unreasonable strict that's how it is kind of rules. So how do you decribe that parenting style? Two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. She allows the girls to dress like tramps....that's not strict. But then has a rule that step-sisters cant be friends with each others friends. That doesnt make sense to me. They are all close in age and we live in a very small town. Too me...just doesnt make sense. Why can't they all be friends? Not that I'm gonna go discuss this with SM just my thought on the idea. Secondly regarding my son and his older friend. I never said anything while it was going on.... but after the fact, yes reminded him she was the one I warned him about in life before I sent him out on his way into the world. No I do not need to control my son's love life and havent. I will however tell him if I am concerned about something. Sometimes he listens, sometime he doesnt. As in the past I will always be there for him regardless if his choice is one I agreed with or not. He will eventually figure it out and luckily we have that type of relationship we can talk about this kind of stuff. Yes, I have been forced to deal with SM because EXH cannot take care of anything. Sooo this is the only way as parents we have been able to coordinate crap. I realized the other night how angry I actually am with EXH when he wouldnt talk to me. He's letting his wife handle everything, just like he let me handle everything when we were married. So her and I are left to deal with each other. I resent that a little bit I guess because he is still not being responsible for choice making, again! Yes, I do need to make some changes and that is what I am working on and hence the whole reason I put my foot down with SM. It really shouldnt be this difficult EVERY day! I am a very strong woman and for the sake of peacekeeping have turned the other cheek and bit my tongue more than you could imagine, I have tried to build a relationship with this woman which I thought was in the best interest of my children. Instead I have become the mat for her feet wiping and I'm done. Call it controlling if you want. I am taking my space back. Believe me, the less I have to hear from the otherhouse the better. I have a wonderful life right now with my husband, our new baby girl, my job, and my relationship with my kids. Everything else is great! I just have this rash....and it won't go away. So.....this forum is my venting space and I will not engage with her any longer other than one liners. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let this black cloud ruin my sunshine.