Gee, its so clear. The problem is not his ex. It's your fiancee. He's allowing this behavior! He will always have to speak to her about the kids, but chatting for hours on end, particularly if she calls at an inconvenient or late hour, is way out there. And inconsiderate. You need to get things straight with him before you marry him ... this will not change just because you want it to. You need to have conversations with him and come to some agreement or compromise on a few things:

1) Limiting the ex's calls to a decent hour
2) Limiting the ex's calls to discussing the kids
3) Checking with you before making changes to the custody schedule

In the early months of my marriage, my husband's ex would call and request a change. He'd agree and I'd find out about it later. It wasn't until I calmly explained to him how these changes not only affected him, but me and everyone else in our house that he understood. He hadn't thought about it that way. Now he always checks with me, and I totally appreciate that. I also felt that his ex was taking advantage of him/us with the crazy things she asked! BM once called at 7:00 am on a Sunday morning to tell us about school pictures! He promptly asked her why this was such an emergency that she couldn't wait until a decent hour to call.

In any case, you need to work these things out as soon as possible. Hopefully he's open to working out these issues. And if he isn't, it's better to find out now before you marry him. Best of luck!

I agree with mom24, it's your hubby who is the problem, not the ex. Sit him down, and tell him how it makes u feel and why. Men are stupid sometimes. Constant phone calls...Men see it as keeping the peace, if the ex is happy then she's not starting crap with you guys, not realizing what she's doing IS trying to come between u 2!!

I had the same problem, and when hubby got the phone calls to stop, the ex started coming over!! Offering to make the drive, then staying for hours on end....Just got that stopped..... If it isn't one thing it's another! You guys just need to be on the same page, communication!!

Shacking up with children is NOT being a good role model for them. It's teaching them that committment is not important and that women are easy. It's teaching them not to postpone gratification but to do what you want if it feels good. Are these the things that you want your children to learn? Do you want your teenagers to be promiscuous? Well, then don't you be! They will do what you DO, not what you say.

Thank you Mom24 and Mikkella for your responses. Yes, we are having a slight issue with communication regarding his EX. It gets frustrating since we have such good communication in every other aspect.

I did discuss the issue's that I have been having regarding his ex and that I also did feel alot of the interupting and excess could be dealt with if he would step up to the plate and put a stop to it. We were able to come up with a couple solutions that may work, i.e. a set time that he would call to talk to his children w/o interuptions from his ex, and also having her send an e-mail with a problem she feels arises (unless it is an emergency) to have things be a little more simplified.

We did also discuss that we both see that his ex is trying to undermine our relationship and that even though he is trying to keep the peace with her, it isn't fair to us.

Just to add to another response, I do not see my household as shaking up. I am in a commited relationship with a man I love creating a very stable and secure atmosphere for the 5 very precious children involved. Having a piece of paper saying I am married or not has no affect on my children at this time. But thank you for your opinion.

This is a very informitive board, I'm glad I found it.

Its not shaking up - you're right ...but it is shacking up for sure!!! Good for you Blueheron!!! Committed is not just living with someone. Hell - I had roommates in college but it didn't mean anything. I have tenants with whom I have leases that have more commitment to me (one year lease ) than they have to each other because the guy is waiting for something better and usually (85%) the guy leaves before the lease is up. If you don't value yourself ... no one else will either! So desperate that you will settle for this? Very sad!

Ahhhh... Once again so refreshing to read someones so thoughtfull and thought provoking opinion @@ That you can read a post and have the authority on my life to determine that I am desperate and with out morals.

Gosh and to think, if I run out tomorrow and stand in front of a stranger and say a couple of words, sign a document I will gain self respect, not be easy, stop my 2 y/o from being promiscuous in 15 years, be a better role model and have more value for my self. That's an intersting concept.

All this time I thought that if I loved my children. Provided a stable home for them, taught them the difference between right and wrong, spent time with them, cared for them, used patience and understanding to guide them all at the same time they just might be ok.

As far as the concern for my being easy and desprate, thank you. Those degrading comments really were touching. But, since you don't know me, you don't know why my fiance is living with me, (it's amazing how an emergency hospital stay, surgery and 6 -8 month recovery can postpone a wedding) I guess I'll just let it pass, and not take it to heart. Just a tip though, instead of being so judgemental, try asking, maybe it wouldn't make a person seem so rude.

What does the fact that she is living with her fiancee have to do with why the EX calls and harasses them so much. They are not even remotely related issues. I don't want to get into the right or wrong of living together, but this was not the original issue. If she hadn't given out this information in her initial posting, no one would ever know. We all need to remember to give advice on the issue at hand and not on the other information provided. We all have needed advice from this forum and I would love to see it remain a help to all of us and not become a debate on morals unless of course that is what the questioned topic is about. Just my 2 cents.

I agree. Jeezz maybe we should take you out and hang you because you live with someone and you are not married. lmao. I would love to see these ladies that have been married all their lives in todays dating world.LMAO HARDER. Sorry, we do not have to get married anymore to have someone to support us or move us out of daddys house. We are capable of supporting ourselves (without the help of hubby). We also can be very selective on who we want to marry. I lived with someone before that loved me like NO OTHER. Yep, after we lived together for a few years I found out (by living with him) that he loved me because I had a great job and income. He seldom had money to pay his half of the bills and purchased a motorcycle. He also had a son that he seldom saw. How did I know this? Because he lived here. Now he found another provider and is playing her also. They jumped right in got knocked up and than married. The difference between her and I? After a few years and he goes back to being the real him she can give him 1/2 her house and her 401k (he doesnt have one. He has his own business aka contractor.) The wife sounds exactly like his first wife. That lasted for a few years and he grew tired of it and of her demands. I found all of this out by living with him. Rosiel-I hope one day your daughter does not shack up or better yet be a stripper this is a different time than when you were dating.

I think Mom24 and Mikella gave you very good advice. You need to sit down and talk with your partner and set some limits on how often his ex calls.

As to the other issue that always seems to arise in these forums, I will never understand how in the world anyone thinks marriage = commitment. It is true that some unmarried people are uncomfortable with commitment, but so are some married people. We all know of married people who aren't or weren't very committed to each other. You can just as easily be committed without being married. Marriage and commitment are not the same thing. That fact that the OP lives with someone does not mean she is immoral, desperate, or any other adjectives I have heard to describe women who choose to live with someone before marriage. Or who may never marry at all.

I am glad to hear that you fixed you current situation. What I did when I was in your situation, is that I spoke with him and we agreed that I will answer the phone and that I will let her know when he was going to call her unless it was an emergency. She realized that I was handling the situation and that I was in control, she couldn't manipulate him so she stop calling, she started sending E-mails and that's OK with me. He sends them to me and we talk about them, sometimes he would tell her, let me check with ___ and she gets mad but if she needs his help she needs to deal with it and get over it. You need him to support you and make him give you the respect that you deserve, this will help you to have a stronger relationship. sissi

"All this time I thought that if I loved my children. Provided a stable home for them, taught them the difference between right and wrong, spent time with them, cared for them, used patience and understanding to guide them all at the same time they just might be ok."

Hmmm,... I don't in particular see all that much wrong with the observation that living together before marriage when you have children is not the greatest idea. Truth is, you're NOT stepparents to each other's children. You don't have any standing in their lives. You're "dad's girlfriend" or "mom's boyfriend." It sells them short because they're expected to accept someone as a parent that YOU YOURSELF haven't even decided that you want to commit to. I personally think that's a lot to ask of kids--especially kids who have already been traumatized by their biological parents splitting up. Truth be told, these things have a way of NOT working out, traumatizing the children more because here they THINK that they have some stability in their lives when in fact what they had was "mom's boyfriend" and not a man who thought enough of them or their mother to offer a commitment before creating a family-type unit.

I would absolutely take into consideration how this ex-wife's behavior affects YOUR children (because it most certainly does) and decide if dealing with her for the next 15 years is beneficial for them. Speaking from my experience, I don't know... MORE stress in the household cannot be a good thing. It's a very selfish thing to do, IMHO.

You probably won't like my answer, but eh,... people generally don't post here if things are going well. I wish you luck.

sissi_2007 is right. I had the same problem before when my husband's ex kept calling for small issues such as her phone bill issues or when the boys were fuzzy and asked us to descipline them through the phone, considering she could have asked her own husband to help her! Before our house finally got to refinance and gave her her half, she used to walk right into our house with the kids at anytime she pleased, and even ate our food when we were not around, until we confronted her. My husband used to think whatever she was doing was for the kids' sake but then I discussed this matter with him and he started to tell her to talk to me instead. The Ex soon learned that I am the woman of the house, which eliminated her phone calls.

I came from a divorce family (they got separated when I was 5 and divorced when I was 11), my mother told me what happened and that they didn't love each other like they used to and that I shouldn't worry about it. I kept going on with my life

I always lived my own life and let my mother do what she wanted to with hers, she dated two guys and never marry them. She is an strong woman and I respect her, she was always there when I needed her.

I don't know how your kids are going to react to your situation but you are the one who knows them and you should what's right for them. I can only tell you what happened in my life but I can't judge you, if you are in this dilemma is because you need some advice. Good Luck

I am dealing with something similar right now. I don't have a problem with BM calling about THE KIDS but this calling all the time for every little thing is getting old! I'm debating how to handle this with DH without blowing up. I agree, this problem is more with my DH and your fiance than with the EX'S. For some reason, the BM's seem to think they are ENTITLED to do certain things with total disregard for the current woman. If your fiance has a cell phone, block her number from the house phone and tell him to put his cell phone on vibrate so it won't wake the kids and disrupt YOUR night. It is my experience that the less control she thinks she has, the more she will back off.

We went through the same thing with the "ex" - but now my SK's are 15 and 24 - the last time the ex called to cause problems...my husband was so mad at her I thought he would have a heart attack. He did hang up on her - but I called her back and told her she was NEVER to call our home again or I would file harrassment charges...she has not called our home again (that was over a year ago). So of course she started calling my husbands cell phone...he then told her the same thing. His kids are old enough to call on there own - so that are the only calls he accepts! Of course it is different when they are younger...but you can set limits - even if you have to do it legally. If he does not stop this - you WILL resent it and I am afraid it will end up a failed marriage....my husband FINALLY puts his foot down - no matter how hard your man trys - if she doesn't want him to have a healthy relationship with his kids....it will be almost impossible - if this does end up being the case that she turns their minds "wacky" about their dad....make sure he sets them down and let them know why things are the way they are. It is not all his fault...they need to know he trys and that "mommy" sometimes does not do the right thing! My husband now regrets never telling his boys the WHOLE truth...it is too late - they have been brainwashed!!! Good luck!

I don't know if this is practical to you, but in my case, we send 'status report' to each other on a weekly basis, and copy both 'dads' on the emails. We do this because we do not want the other side to be in the dark when we see any kid's issues. The kids know we do this between the two families, and they know all 4 of us (dad,mom,SD,SM) are working together for them. In a way, this also eliminates the manipulation from the kids to the grown ups. Of course we sometimes have disagreements and end up with email fights but we always resolve differences like grown ups. This method is so far very successful to all 4 of us. For minor or can-be-wait issues, we handle through emailing. For urgent issues, both 'moms' will be on the phone.

Dont listen to Rosie anyways,her posts are always judgemental like that.

I think it's great you are toughing it out. However,I think it's clear that your husband and his ex havent completely "broken the ties" yet. She still sees him as "her husband" and obviously feels the right the call and complain to him as though they are still married.
Your husband,also seems either somewhat afraid of her,or he is still "whipped" to some extent and that's why he keeps letting her call the shots.
You really need to bring this to his attention and tell him that if he cant make it clear to her THAT IT IS OVER,and she is not to rely on him for every little thing~that you are incapable of going through with marrying him.
He needs to be concentrating more time on you and less time on the phone with her being her shrink.
Best of luck to you,you sound like you will be a wonderful stepmom to his kids!

Dear P,
Is it you or your fiance that is sick? I hope who ever it is gets better and you have a wonderful life if that's what's meant to be.
I know about plans getting messed up. My husband and I waited til I could grow hair back, a year, before we got married. I had ovarian cancer and chemo. I refused to get married bald. The wigs sucked too. They are scratchy and uncomfortable and if you get too close to the oven - they frizzle and melt!
You just keep living the life that God deals you and make the best of things. Including the stepmothering part. It sure isn't easy! Keep your priorities in order - you and your sweetheart, all your kids, your friends and the people who love you - and don't let the the ones who don't mess it up.

To PRN: Take it from someone who didn't live with hubby first, and walked into a nightmare with bio-mom. Hubby has joint custody of three (twins 6 and 10 yo). Any excuse to be on the phone, to send emails, hubby and ex are at it. I am on my way back to my life, job and friends (I don't have any children)and hubby is on his way to ex-hood. The resentments that build up over time, if your fiance is not willing or able to tell his ex that its over, will be hard on you. Use not being married to him to your advantage. Set up ground rules, including that if its something he may think MIGHT affect you, to let you know before he makes a decision with ex regarding kids. If he can't follow through with putting his foot down, believe me, the situation/he won't change just because you are married.

I was wondering if other people have situations simular to mine.Th ex here has been ex'ed for 13 years now.She was wife number 2.I am wife number 4.Number 3 left because of the crap the second wife was doing.Calling and harrassed her and the husband.myhusband has one boy who is now almost 16.His mother is bipolar as well.I don't know what she is tryign to cause or what she wants with the cronic phone calls,it's always about this son.He lives with her,we are supose to get him every other week end,we don't,she changs the schedule beacuse she needs leaves picked up,they needed picking up the weekend before and they had time to gt it done.Yes the calls came even at 12 midnight just a year ago.She wantd to at one point give up her son but she wantd to keep custody.She would take careof all her sons schooling from 40 miles away via e-mails to the teachers,and drive here if she needed to.My husband so graciously said yes to his coming and signed papers to do so.I found the papers.Signed sealed and delivered in his papers he keeps.i was suspicious anyway and to prove my feeling were so i went to look it up,there it was.She would keep her child support money and he will come here and live with us.Yeah! I bet! this was her way of moving in here.She actually met up with my husband and went to dinner over this paper signing.
I am still very hurt that he would even think to do something this stupied.In hope his son will be with him?I wonder if he really wants to be with her at any cost.i don't get it.He knows her undermining.She even calls on our anniversary to discus the sons christmas list.Muy comment was you buy what you want and we buy what we want,he'll be happy.Come to find out his daddy bought everything and she gave him 150.00.I haven't an issue with daddy being his santa claus but I do have one with her telling him what to do.I buy ny step son things i know he will really like.Iremember the things he has mentioned over the year and i tell his daddy abou tthem.he says he didn't say it was what he wanted.I asked him if he ever has listened to him at all through the year.I do.I normally do not need a list,especially when I know someone.
You'd think after 5 years of me being with this guy the ex would go away.She has a boyfriend and her son said she didn't feel anything for him.She has dated him 3 years now.Well about 3 1/2 years ago after me and my husband married she called my husband and said she was getting married to this same fellow she'd then had dated him 3 times.She was out house hunting as well with her son.my guess is she told him she has bipolar with other and he doesn't want to commet.She did lie to my husband about that as well.He had no idea she had that at all.It was at the wedding his brother was hearing this from friends there.Oh my! I think if i found my sposue to lie like that I would have ennulled the marriage.He didn't find out until she had a breakdown after the boy was born when she went out of town and not on meds.She was going to divorce him because at first she wasn't getting pregnant 9 months inot the marriage.Then low and behold she was pregnant.
I am tired of the calls.It has been put to minimal.He keeps his phone on vibrate.He has a new job wher ehe has a phone at his desk and she i am sure calls for stupied things still.After the decision I made on the child staying with his mother and not coming here it really has stopped alot of her calls.I tols my husband it has to be him coming here which means mother dear will be over here,and it is her or me.he chose me and he stayed at his mothers house.he has a councler who really is trying to evaluate the situation.It is soon to believe that it is mother who is the one with issues.my step son knows it isn't him.I made sure he understood it was not him.He has mad ehis friends in his area he lives in and he is now happy with his decision and my decision that he stayed there.theropist are keeping her out of his life as much as they can.She had unfinished bussiness with my husband I am sure.i had to let him go there with theropist trying to deal with the son and the mother and I needed the docotr to push their life to a closier so she can go away.
i think her bipolarness is still such an issue that she will not let those sleeping dogs lay still.
So agin is it a bipolar issue or the ex issue.Two mor eyears and it has to stop.the calls have to stop.I will leave him if he keeps it up.
Bad enough the first ex calls and posses as his brother.he allows that too.He ha smental issues himself to even let that go on.I have thought many times i am bringing up my ex all the time and in his face I will be with it.he can get a taste of it.Now he has real reason to be jealous of my ex.he is handsome and smart as a whip.we were also togther 30 years,27 of them married.He hasn't been maried over 3 years in all of his other 3.
thanks,i needed to say something before I explode.