Manipulative ex-wife....

15 years ago

My husband was married to a woman who cheated on him over 10 years ago. She has been living for the last 10 years with the man she had the affair with and has 2 children with that man. She has a daughter with my husband. She chose not to be in the relationship and she chose to have an affair. Her daughter (12 years old) prefers to be with us whenever she can. Her exact words are "she likes that we eat dinner together as a family and she likes that there is very little stress".

My husband is going away for a the week (fishing trip with the boys) and the ex-wife is already starting to "act up". I typically have no contac with her, but b/c I will be picking up my step daughter she now feels like she needs to communicate with me. By communicate I mean "pick fights", today's instance started with a text from me to my step daughter confirming pick up time for tis evening. I recieved a text back confirming the time and that was that. An hour or so later I get a text from the ex-wife advisnig that I should be communicating with her mother and not her daughter and that the pick up for the evening is not going to work. She basically said when you have it figured it let me know. after a series of texts we settled on the same place and same time as originally planned. It was liek she just needed to ruffle feathers and cause a stir b/c she knew my husband would be away. My blood pressure is thru the roof, I despise this woman and her miserable life! It makes me not want to have my step daughter around, even though I love her dearly and know this is not her fault. The communication for drop offs and pick ups have always been done this way and NOW it's a problem. I have recently lerned that the man the ex lives with is having an affair....tragically my 12 year old step daughter knows all about it (which is completely unnecessary). I can only believe that this miserable woman hates the fact her daughter wants to be with me when, even when her father is away and that is why she is being so horrible. That said, how do people deal with these wretched evil women???

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Comments (11)

momof3_stepof1
15 years ago
10 years later I'm still trying to figure this out! Thank goodness we have custody but I too don't contact her. It's going to take a lot of patience. You only have 6 more years to go. That's my take on it right now... 8 more years. Can I make it... God I hope so.. good luck!
parent_of_one
15 years ago
you wish it was over in 6-8 more years...SDs are adults yet we still deal with crazy BM, certainly not like those with minor children do, but STILL. There will be colleges, tuitions, graduations, moving, weddings, grandkids and all of these events will involve BM one way or the other. This will never end.
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"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. 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momof3_stepof1
15 years ago
UGH PO1... I had a moment of triumph... LMAO! Now I'll go cry a river.......
Amber3902
15 years ago
Try not to let ex-wife's attitude get to you. It seems since you contacted the daughter and not her she felt like she wasn't in control and had to "show you" that she was boss. Although I do find it a little unusual that this is the norm - contacting a 12 year old to arrange pick up times instead of the mother, just my opinion though.

Why are you picking SD up if your husband is going to be out of town?

Even though it wasn't a problem in the past, since it is NOW a problem for BM, I suggest you let your husband handle pick ups and drop offs. And if hubby's not around then you either communicate with the mother or just don't pick up the SD for that weekend. I do have to say I think it's great that you get along so well with SD that she wants to be with you even if her dad isn't there.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
After 13 years I've found the only thing that really works for me is screaming into a pillow and margaritas. Lots of margaritas. :)
myfampg
15 years ago
I agree with amber, communication should NEVER be with the child on pick up and drop off. Period. She is not the one driving to meet you or the one that makes the family schedule. If you don't have a set schedule your DH needs to make one with BM so confirmation communication is not necessary. Get it in writing for all Friday pick ups, it's 6pm at XX place. Period. And if you have to deviate from it, mom should be contacted by dad. Not SM. Not Bm contacting sm. If you don't have good communication which you obviously don't, then no need for the two of you to text/talk. She didn't have a child with you. Dh should handle before leaving with 'the boy's.'

Her affair wasn't necessary to tell your situation. I read it as a way to make us not like your dh's ex wife. But not relevant as to why she doesn't want you contacting her daughter to confirm a schedule.

Furthermore that poor girl, I hope she is in therapy. She will need it. Parents that put her in the middle.. And mom with another affair. Wow.

Agreed PO1. It will be the rest of your life. When he said until death do us part, he sealed the deal when having a child. It literally will end when one of the parents dies.
parent_of_one
15 years ago
Exactly...It could be certainly minimal as children are out of the house or it could even be a positive interactions. Unfortunately too often it is not. For us current issue is that SDs go to BM and come to us upset and complain about their mother and I am extremely uncomfortable and change the subject UGGHHH

"When he said until death do us part" True...I don't have to talk to ex that often anymore but I cannot say he is out of my life, plus we might have grand-kids one day...
dotz_gw
15 years ago
Tina, I wouldnt deal with it..I d let the SD stay home, and have your DH tell her BM had a problem with it next week... I dont believe the death do you part thing either, kid or no kids...That ended with the divorce, and if BM makes communication about game playing and ruffling feathers, or worse, your only alternative may be to let the 12 yr old share plans with DH....My sanity(or DHs wasnt/isnt worth it)Co parenting, cooperative parenting is GREAT if BM works with, not against you...We ve been thru grads, a wedding , a grandchild, but we are destined to be a no communication family ...We had no choice, it was squarely BM who forced DH into it with crazy erratic behavior, but none of the kids have been committed to an institution yet..We have one angry one, but hopefully someday, he ll realize the part his mother played in the no contact rift...
myfampg
15 years ago
Dotz it was a figure of speech. Obviously they are not married and don't have to talk and chat it up daily BUT the point is... The other parent isn't going to go away when said kid hits 18. No. Communication will be different but people are fooling themselves if they think it ends at 18.

Speaking as an adult child of divorce, it seems to have gotten worse after 18. My parents annoyance and absolute refusal to be kind to each other ruined my high school graduation as well as my wedding reception. Do you think kids of divorce should have to have two weddings in order to keep their immature parents away from each other?

I'm not saying that this sm is at any fault whatsoever. Her Dh and the BM are. They are putting sm and child in the middle. But to say it gets better after 18 is foolish and misleading. That's all Po1 and I were saying.

The communication will be different and probably non existent but parents of a girl tend to have these issues especially when she gets married because it's the bride's family that is more involved. Daddy walking daughter down the aisle but mom sitting in the front row and then there is Sm that has been a constant for the child, where does she sit? And how do they deal with splitting cost? Mom is going to pay for XYZ and dad will pay ABC but then again, adult child is in the middle dealing with parents who refuse to communicate about the financing of her big day because they were under the impression that all communication ended at 18.

Here is another scenario that I lived through:
Daughter goes in to labor. Mom and dad are both very much a part of her life, separately. Mom is going to be in the delivery room because daughter can't imagine going through it without her. Daughter also wants her dad to be in the waiting room, along with sm waiting to hear that their first grandchild has arrived. What is daughter to do? Her parents can't stand each other. She can't imagine leaving one or the other out but she can't stand the thought of her parents having a run in with each other. The answer is unclear. There is no answer. She can tell both of her parents that they better not act up or they are both out but why should she tell two people twice her age how to be acting? Daughter is in the middle: again.

New baby has his first birthday party. Daughter so desperately wants a huge party with all family and friends. It's such a big occasion. She can't decide which parent to exclude because they are both equally important to her. So does she have two first birthday parties? Does she only invite 1/2 of her friends to one party so the other party will be just as big?

This has been my sisters life for the last 20 years. I choose not to play in to the immaturity of my parents. My dad isn't a part of my life like my sisters but she so desperately wants both of her parents there for everything. What misery she deals with.
dotz_gw
15 years ago
I agree its miserable for the adult kids of non communicating parents , myfam.....Have been thru all the above scenarios, wedding, grads, baby/delivery room fiasco....SS s are both over 21 now, DH has not spoken a word to Ex in I d say 9 years...The problem is ugly scenes would be caused by Ex,DH and I want no part of that..No event could be peaceful..DH recently was invited to a bithday for SS s kid, he went in advance with a gift,and visit with bday kid, no way could he be in the same room with Ex...SS I m sure wishes for evryone to be together, but it aint happenin...I dont blame DH, he could go and be quiet, but SHE cant...He chooses not to deal with it, and I dont blame him...I dont make the rules, if DH tells me he wants me at say a Grad, we go sit elsewhere and let the Grad know we were there for them and steer clear of ex...DH paid 4,000.00 for a pre wedding party, I arranged the tables for her to sit in front, we sat all the way in the back of the room, she and SS were still snarling at ME about cocktails they didnt get, or some nonsense, they couldnt find a problem, so they manufactured one...Probably is harder with a female child....But this whole family in the delivery room/hospital is something foreign to me...My parents never went to the hospital for my kid or nieces and nephews..But now its a bone of contention with divorced families, who gets to be there? I wonder if other posters have experience with this? When did baby delivery become a family event...Was not the case years ago...
myfampg
15 years ago
I think it is an event now. My mom was in the delivery room with both of my kids. She was the one taking the pictures while Dh (ex and current) supported me. My stepdad was in the waiting room for both deliveries. My mom and sil's mom flew to Hawaii to be there for my brother's last baby.
I guess it depends on the family and how close you are to them.

Manipulative ex-wife....

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