@JMT - good suggestions, I will see how it goes Sat., and see what BF's mom thinks re shower gifts. @Amber/susan - as to BM trying to have all the power, I've told BF to stand up and be firm, without being pushy. No, BM shouldn't dictate who else sees baby on BF's visits, but it's at her house and she legally can deny entry if she wants until BF gets visits at his place. Yes, she can make plans too, but never is flexible for BF, whom she allows so little time w/baby already, no matter how special his plans are or the ease with which she could change hers to accommodate his if she chose to. BM clearly "gets off" on her control of the situation. @Susan -- BM only involved BF for the money. She has said she'd not have allowed visits at all, but her lawyer said she must. So, maybe she was advised that there is "more to it," but now that baby's here it's too late and she's done all she can to direct the course of things. True, I have no *legal* rights, but I can (and should) voice my concerns to BF and if the situation does not reach a point I can 'accept,' yes, I'll have to leave. The fact that BM has been immature, unreasonable, controlling and condescending so far makes me think it'll be very hard to accept and live with it... @Amber -- BF and I would see each other every weekend and sometimes once mid-week. Before I knew about a baby on the way, BF talked about moving here. No way I can leave my (well-paying) job, there are no similar opportunities in his small town and I have student loans to pay, plus I work long days already so commuting for me is problematic whereas he gets mileage to/from work. Best I can do is move to westside (now on east) and he'd have a 35-40 min commute. Assuming BF and BM split driving so each picks up baby on their days with her, that's not a horrible drive a few days a week, but it's certainly not as convenient as now. On the other hand, schools out my way are *much* better than the crap district BM and fiance moved into, so one would think in the long run it'd actually be best for BF's daughter, if she can get a superior education. Anyway, I won't sacrifice my career for this uncertain situation, not having ever lived with BF or knowing what future with child and BM holds. I also can't continue living an hour apart, feeling more like I have a pen pal than a partner. BF now of course has even less time for me, which wasn't much to start with, but I shouldn't have to put my life on hold while he sorts out his issues. I may suggest taking a break so he's not half-assing being a dad and a boyfriend, and see what happens. Thanks for all the helpful advice. I am still going to meet BM Sat., see what happens on the return court date next month, and take it from there.

All of you ladies are so right!!! I am so thankful I found this forum, to give me the courage to do what I knew inside I needed to do. After my last post to lilysuzanne last night, I sent him a text message (he was at his mom's with is kids). It was around 2:30am... if course I couldn't sleep. The text said basically I couldn't be in this relationship with him any more & I would talk to him in the mornign when he came home. This morning, we had that conversation. I did break up with him. As bad as I hurt, I feel that much more liberated. He kept saying stuff was about his kids, but as I pointed out to him, nothing he said correlated to his children. It was all about him and his fear(s) of committment, "manning up", and DEMONSTRATING his love for me. He referenced the times less than four that he has attempted to do family oriented things with me and his children. He said his son feels uncomfortable because of tension that he feels, and felt 1 or 2 other times when we were all together and his father and I were upset with one another. I reminded him that we have NEVER argued in front of or around his children; not even when we were all the same house. He said, it was "ONE" time his son flet like we were angry with one another and it made him feel uneasy... Now, everytime I am around he (his son) gets that feeling. My answer to that was: 1. The only way to overcome negative feelings is to be consistently positive, and taling advantage of those moments when the opportunity presents itself. 2. The tension his son felt was the uneasiness that we all have being on pins & needles around each other the less than four times I have been around them. Moreover, my BF does nothing to counteract his son's excuses. 3. He knows just like I know, that if a child hears bad things from BioM for years and dad does nothing to counteract the negativity, then the child will feed off of that. He said he knew that I have never done anything to disrespect or hurt his children. His children would respect me in my presence, BUT he needs to make sure that his realtionship with his kids is guarded. He is concerned about how they "view" him. To me, that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Another excuse! His children will always love him. All he has to do is do what is right. We went on and on--- so much was said... but the bottom line was that I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. He agreed that I was a selfLESS person, and had given up a lot. He left the house, but called in 5 minutes trying to confuse me... but I held my ground! He said... "Everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship, and getting closer to the goal of marriage something comes up to step in the way of the plan." I know his goal was to catch me off guard and say to myself, "Self, you are moving too fast. Slow down. He was about to ask you to marry him. Give him a little longer... another chance." Luckily, I could visualize every post on this forum from last night. I almost gagged, that he thought after all we talked about that I should wait one more day to move "closer..." Is he crazy? Wait! Let me answer that... YES! He is CRAZY! 9 years is long enough. THANKS LADIES, and angelz DH (for giving me a man's POV, whiched helps me to seal the deal).

Webegardnr ... I commend you and wish you much future happiness. I think BM getting along with Dad and SM is of vital importance. You have been able to negotiate a most difficult situation. Canine, if BM is a psycho now - just wait. It will get worse. Or perhaps, she is upset because her still married husband is seeing someone else. (That would make any woman psycho). That will also set the stage for her hating you forever because if she is in a situation where she was thinking she get get him back if you weren't in the picture - you will always be considered the villain and the tug of war will last forever. If you listen to statistics ... only about 30-35% of second marriages succeed. Childless second marriages fair much better. Its easy to see why. You are 38 yourself, so you are not a child and hopefully know yourself well enough to know if you are strong enough to handle what's ahead. If you have feelings of jealousy now - its not a good sign. You should resolve that now. I, for one, could never be a step mom. When a child comes into your home, you have to understand that it is much different than a child of your own that you raised for 10 years with your rules and expectations and desired behavior (even then - its dicey-LOL). Different people value different characteristics and have different disciplinary expectations. For example ... my sister in law is a finger print maniac. Don't ever ever touch the switchplate in her home when you turn on the light ... or use the wall to balance yourself going up the staircase. She is raising 7 children that know it is better to roll down the stairs than to use the wall next to the staircase to brace yourself against a fall. However, these same kids think nothing of riding their bikes over neighbors lawns, the 17 year old is allowed to go to drinking parties, etc. Definitely different priorities than in my home. Ok ... how do you take a child from one environment and have him fit well into a totally different one for 4 days a month. Its tough. I love children. I was a a Girl Scout Leader for 11 years, worked in elementary school, etc. I have dealt with some very difficult children, but ..... there were some that I was so happy to say goodbye to after being with them for 2 hours that I literally did the dance of joy!!! As much as I love children, I could never be a stepmother. What goes on in a workplace is different than coming home and having to deal with it. My home is my refuge. The only place I can control to suit me. My little world. Don't let me scare you away from this relationship, if you know in your heart that you can handle it and do whatever is in the best interest of the child (not you). That child will always be number 1 in many situations. If you think you could be a step- mom , that child could also be the greatest gift of your life in the long run. Step parenting is like a mine field from what I have read here. My sister is now going through a divorce after a very long marriage and we were laughing about her prospects of her finding a man with no baggage ... ex wives, children, ill parents living with him,addictions, incarcerations, nasty habits etc, etc !!! She knows that she could not handle children - adult or otherwise and would never attempt it. My brother has a wonderful girlfriend that chooses not to marry him until his 5 children are grown for several reasons. She is accustomed to her place being hers. (We get that way when we're a little long in the tooth). She also does not want to have her income pay for child support and other children's needs (which it would in the state in which they live). They have been together for 7 years now and when the youngest is 18 in about 5 years, they plan to marry and have a place of their own. She actually gets along very well with his children and they adore her, but she know she does not want to be a mother again, nor share her home with children. That doesn't make her bad. It means she's smart enough to know her own limitations and not get herself into a situation she doesn't want to handle. (She is so sweet I know she could handle it if she wanted to, but why add stress to your life). We had our first child after 12 years of marriage when I was on the shady side of 32 and it was a major (I am talking major) adjustment from the self absorbed life we had led as a couple to having to meet someone else's needs 24/7. Mine are in their teens now and believe it or not ... those younger years were the piece of cake. Our daughter just got her driver's license and we purchased a used car for her (12k), insurance costs 216 per month until she's 21, homecoming cost $500, senior year photos $860, and all that I give willingly because she's my angel .... the part I can't handle is the waiting for her to get home safely, the dating scene (quite a bit different than I was last out there in 1972), worrying about college acceptance, life choices, future plans, broken hearts, etc. I can see that I will be on prozac soon. Our son has completely different sets of problems (broken arm in football), doctor appointments that never end, driving to and picking up from football every single day (twice a day in the summer),miserable Spanish teacher, driver's ed, legs that grown an inch a week, a room that reeks of teenage boy smell no matter how clean it looks (what is that anywyas?). Its something you do gladly and willingly, do without financially, emotionally and logistically because they are your world. Could I do that for a child that I didn't raise - I don't think so. If you can, your rewards will be many or if you can't follow through with this relationship - it can be a living hell. Depends also on the Dad (your BF) and how willing he will be to support your needs as a Step Mom. Whatever you choose - much luck. Its not easy to make a rational choice when your heart is clouding your brain.

It is your house honey. Either he and his brats follow your rules or they need to get out and go to grandmas. That x box you keep talking about would be gone. If dad's not there they don't need to be at your house and if he and their mother can't get it together and raise their children properly tell him that they are NOT welcome there at all. Because it is clear they are not. There is no reason to keep tolerating this enormous intrusion. It is not good for any of the parties involved. Those children know you don't like them. If grandma is so in love with them she can deal with them. On that note. ..this is partly your doing. You left your husband for a loser. A loser with the worst kind of baggage. ..brats. He will always put his kids before you as he should. I don't know the state of your marriage so I wont speculate on your reasons. However you knew of this baggage before you got yourself into this mess and you got it in anyway. And having children yourself, you clearly know where babies come from and now have allowed yourself to get pregnant by a loser mama's boy. Now you're kinda stuck. You are having his brats half sibling. You are stuck dealing with him for the foreseeable future. I feel for you. My suggestion: lose the loser. Move on. Take it from me...this will NOT change. I know it's hard to do this. It is only going to be harder now that you are having his child. But it's time to pull up the big girl panties and do what's best for you and YOUR children. YOU can't stand them YOUR KIDS can't stand them. THEY know it and probably feel the same. Trust me, after a while you will kick yourself for putting with it for as long as you did. Good luck.