dotz, I'm sorry for yours and your husband's situation. The sad part of all, is if your SS has children, he is teaching them through his example, how they should someday treat him. My mom made it clear she didn't like my stepmom and didn't want us to like her either. There are four of us in our family and while my two sisters rallied with my mom and didn't like my stepmom, I came to resent my mom for wanting me to choose and for saying nasty things about someone I liked. (My brother liked and got along with my stepmom but I don't remember my mom saying anything to him. He was out of the house when my dad remarried) I could see my stepmom did nothing to anyone to cause them to dislike her, they did it just because my mom would crack jokes or dig for info and then say nasty things about it. I can't say how my sisters felt, but it made me uncomfortable and I was a teenager. I can only imagine how torn some young kids feel. I'm sure some are not torn, they will do whatever it takes to please their parent. It is on a case by case basis because each child is going to have a different personality and have their own feelings about it, regardless of what the parent says or does. It's my belief that even the kids that rally with the parent, may someday come to realize what their parent did was wrong, probably after they become parents and/or stepparents themselves and experience the difficulty in raising (someone else's) child and possibly dealing with the bio parent of their stepchild. They may also resent the parent that causes friction in their relationship with the other parent. When I read of an estrangement, I often wonder if that might have something to do with it. But, since history is often rewritten, who knows? I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons too. My point is, it's terrible how what someone (either parent) does to a young child, may follow that child into adulthood and even old age... and also impact generations to come.

I came here to find info and boy oh boy did I! I found that some of the info here is REALLY biased in favor of the new wife. Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm on both sides of the fence. I'm an ex w/child & I'm think'n of marry'n a man with an ex w/child who manipulates & controls as well. So, I can see both sides. To organic_maria; when I read parts of your post, my blood boiled. How do you think that you and your husband can go and take away from another child because you now have one of your own. Ya can't do that! If he could not afford 2 children then he should not have had another baby! But you CAN NOT rob Peter to pay Paul! You can not take from one household to put into yours. I don't care what "SHE" has. That baby is "HIS" responsiblity as well. Unfortunately, you won't get this (foolish lady) until after he breaks his vows & divorces YOU, leaves YOU w/children, remarry's & has children by his new wife & then takes food out of YOUR child's mouth to be able to feed his new family at the command of his NEW WIFE. Therefore, a reduction in CS is not go'n to happen. Allow that man to pay what it is he's supposed to pay for his child. That's the right of the child...to be supported by both parents. You(foolish lady) are ask'n for conflict w/his ex when you do silly things as such. Do NOT help him to runaway from his financial responsibilites in order to make you happy. It's bad enough that the child has lost it's full time father. In these situations, you can't have it all. Don't put him in that position of taking away from one child to give to another. You'll stress out your marriage...even more. Next, the ex probably has a good reason as to why she's so nasty towards him. I'm not say'n that being vendictive is right but maybe he did somethings to hurt her deeply during their marriage; you don't know, you were not there. You just know what he's told you & choose to believe him because you love him and of course he would NEVER lie! And, that may be true, maybe he doesn't lie to you. Maybe he's a "good man" NOW, but what was he like years ago before you met him? What was he like during his first marriage before all of the lessons he's learned at her expense? Again, I'm not say'n that she should be an evil **** but karma is a MF! If ya don't want it to grow, then don't sow the seed. I can't mistreat a dog & not expect to get bitten at some point. I just think that MAYBE....just MAYBE he should go to his ex & try to make things right. I'm not say'n get back together w/her because what's done is done, but if there's still bitterness there then there's some unfinished business. And with many of YOU being WOMEN, I would think that YOU would encourge that! All of these excuses as to why your ex stayed with such a "witch" is nonsense, he stayed because he wanted to stay. He married her because he wanted to marry her...unless she was into some kind of spiritual voo-doo & put a hex on him? There's always 2 sides to a story and all of you are all hyped up on what "he" said. Yeah, he's tell'n you about all of her skeletons but he's not say'n much about his is he? He was an angel! And, I betcha on her side, she's tell'n her new guy about all of his skeletons and how he was so aweful to her w/o tell'n how she pulled a knife on him in his sleep & set the bed on fire! My point here is don't be so dang on biased. I know you're angry...I get that but you don't know her so why are you angry at "HER"? Because she get's a certain % of his income in which she's entitled too? Because "HE", your husband is weak and easily controlled. Because "HE" your husband feels guilt? Hmmmmm, and why is that? Why does he feel guility if he did noth'n wrong? Your husband needs to man up & accept responsiblity for his part in their failed marriage & try to make things right. Again, not say'n allow her to manipulate, but he needs to put all of his cards on the table & apologize for "HIS" part...because dispite what "HE" say's. He had a part! This way maybe some of her bitterness will fade unless she's really just a certified mental case. And, even if she is maybe he can assist w/that. Maybe the both of you can assist with that. Divorce is hard on EVERYBODY. You as a woman should feel some empathy...her marriage failed & him as the father of his child/ren should care just a bit because let's face it. She is the mother of his child/ren & her child/ren LOVES HER & HE loves his children. NOTH'N you do or say will EVER change that. Do something as his current wife to try and encourage peace & get off of your "what about me" soap boxes. In reality, he should have never moved on to a YOU until he was done with HER. And, I mean completely done and I'm not talk'n about a certain time span. You can be divorces from your spouse for 20yrs and still have unfinished business. I came here to try & find some good information and sadly to say, there wasn't much maturity here. Being someone who's been on both sides of the fence, I encourage my guy to do the right things by his children and even his ex. I'm not into sowing seeds of hatred, bitterness and anger. If an "I'm sorry" on his part can help that woman to heal then by all means, apologize & then maybe she can find some happiness and we can go on with our lives!

A friend of mine is 24 and has a 1yo brother. (Her parents were young when they had her, so her dad is only 43, and her SM is 35, so it's not unreasonable for them to have a baby). When she found out her SM was pregnant, she was excited, but also weirded out - "I'm glad I finally get to be a sister, but I'm 23! I'm not supposed to have a baby sibling at this age." But as soon as the baby was born, he was her brother and she loved him. She stopped feeling weird about that she's 23 years older than her brother. I think it would be best for everyone if you kept mostly quiet on this one, but when it comes up, keep a positive attitude and a sympathetic ear. As for weird favours, your DH needs to stop doing them. My FDH's ex has asked for all kinds of weird favours, even though she has her mom, two siblings, a BF, and her own friends in the city. He flat out tells her if what she has asked for is ridiculous (like when she wanted FDH to return a throw rug that we bought for his son's room at our house, and buy one that she likes for his room at her house instead. He told her that made no sense.)

Hi openskies, It seems that understanding the function of her demand to be involved is an important part of knowing what to do in response. A few people have mentioned insecurity on the part of your spouse and control issues were raised as well. These sound like reasonable and common explanations for someone demanding more involvement, but I'd encourage you to find out more from your spouse and be prepared to put a few educated guesses on the table when you talk to her too because, on one hand, she may not want to reveal her "real" reasons; on the other hand, she may not even understand them well herself. Sometimes people get upset and reactive without fully understanding why, right? Does she feel frustrated and left out of too many decisions, for instance? dogdogcrazy suggested at least giving it a try and then returning to the current arrangements if it doesn't pan out, which is an idea that I like, but I'd still recommend finding out what the function of her demand is first and deciding together if involving her in contact between you and your ex is likely to actually resolve things. I also agree with the several suggestions you were given for you and your spouse to see a therapist who has experience with blended families. That is good advice. You asked if communication between the spouse and ex regarding the children is normal and if it could be productive. Unfortunately, I've rarely known it to be. Most people I know who are in these roles leave the primary communication and decision-making up to the biological parents even when they are cordial or even friendly with each other. I do know one family in which the husband and ex-husband developed a good friendship and are very cooperative with each other. It works for them, but they never had any animosity between them. Good luck!