I hear a lot of whining, blaming, and making excuses why it's everyone else's fault or not doable. "Not everyone can afford daycare - if I'd had to pay after school daycare for a couple of kids at $200 a month each, it wouldn't have been worth working." If you can't afford $200 a month, I venture to say you wasted your time & money on two graduate degrees. I can afford $200 a month (because that's about what it cost me in fuel to go pick up my step daughter after school everyday when she went by her mom's house) I agree that not everyone can afford daycare, but there are also subsidized programs for low income and single parents. When they get to 13+, they can usually be home alone. I'm not sure many 13+ year olds would want to have a babysitter. Isn't part of being a parent, figuring these things out as you go? If it means taking a more flexible job like TOS or working more & hiring help like KKNY, we do what we have to do. When I was a single parent, I couldn't (or chose not to because I had job security there) change jobs so I found a house near where I worked. I could run home on my breaks if I needed to. The school was just down the street if I got a call to pick someone up. When they were able to, they went to after care and when they got too old, they came home and I monitored what was going on by calling or coming home on my lunch and breaks. I could have lived in a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood but further away from work and it would have been harder to be as involved as I was. It's all about choices. "And then what -- even if you pick up the kids after school, they have less flexibiltiy re after school activities, their school friends are 10 miles away." When my stepdaughter was going to school 28 miles away from us, she was in taekwondo with her mom. On my husbands weeks, I would take her. I'd pick her up from school, hang out window shopping or running errands for an hour (sometimes take her to the park or work on her homework while we waited) and take her to her taekwondo class which was near her school & mom's house. She also was in girl scouts and karate where DH and I live. She made friends there too so she had friends by her mom's house and dad's house. I didn't realize that kids were only allowed to make friends in ONE area.... hmmm. Like I said, if you want it to work, you can make it work. IF TOS has two degrees and can earn more, she may be able to afford a babysitter/daycare or she may choose to take a lower paying job that has flexibility. You choose what works for you, just as I chose to live near my job.

A friend of mine is 24 and has a 1yo brother. (Her parents were young when they had her, so her dad is only 43, and her SM is 35, so it's not unreasonable for them to have a baby). When she found out her SM was pregnant, she was excited, but also weirded out - "I'm glad I finally get to be a sister, but I'm 23! I'm not supposed to have a baby sibling at this age." But as soon as the baby was born, he was her brother and she loved him. She stopped feeling weird about that she's 23 years older than her brother. I think it would be best for everyone if you kept mostly quiet on this one, but when it comes up, keep a positive attitude and a sympathetic ear. As for weird favours, your DH needs to stop doing them. My FDH's ex has asked for all kinds of weird favours, even though she has her mom, two siblings, a BF, and her own friends in the city. He flat out tells her if what she has asked for is ridiculous (like when she wanted FDH to return a throw rug that we bought for his son's room at our house, and buy one that she likes for his room at her house instead. He told her that made no sense.)

Hi openskies, It seems that understanding the function of her demand to be involved is an important part of knowing what to do in response. A few people have mentioned insecurity on the part of your spouse and control issues were raised as well. These sound like reasonable and common explanations for someone demanding more involvement, but I'd encourage you to find out more from your spouse and be prepared to put a few educated guesses on the table when you talk to her too because, on one hand, she may not want to reveal her "real" reasons; on the other hand, she may not even understand them well herself. Sometimes people get upset and reactive without fully understanding why, right? Does she feel frustrated and left out of too many decisions, for instance? dogdogcrazy suggested at least giving it a try and then returning to the current arrangements if it doesn't pan out, which is an idea that I like, but I'd still recommend finding out what the function of her demand is first and deciding together if involving her in contact between you and your ex is likely to actually resolve things. I also agree with the several suggestions you were given for you and your spouse to see a therapist who has experience with blended families. That is good advice. You asked if communication between the spouse and ex regarding the children is normal and if it could be productive. Unfortunately, I've rarely known it to be. Most people I know who are in these roles leave the primary communication and decision-making up to the biological parents even when they are cordial or even friendly with each other. I do know one family in which the husband and ex-husband developed a good friendship and are very cooperative with each other. It works for them, but they never had any animosity between them. Good luck!

Ok, to clarify, my issue is not what their rules are. Its the dont tell or your in trouble policy. This goes back to the inappropriate touching issue. My youngest DD in trouble for telling me that the step-sister had touched her inappropriately. Yes, call it nosey, call it controlling whatever, but when I get the "I'm not supposed to tell" speech that's when I get upset. THere is a history of I'm not supposed to tell stuff that has gone on. Getting in trouble specifically, the girls will figure that part out, and stay under the radar eventually. The kids are not allowed to call the OP and whine about being in trouble. That goes for both houses, so we are on the same page. Even if they did call their dad, I have nothing to hide and will not prevent them from telling their dad they are in trouble. TO KATHLINE, to answer you. Funny because as I was responding back to SM yesterday as she asked me what I thought of her parenting style. My thought was...well on one hand you are too lineant (sp) and then on the other have some really unreasonable strict that's how it is kind of rules. So how do you decribe that parenting style? Two complete opposite sides of the spectrum. She allows the girls to dress like tramps....that's not strict. But then has a rule that step-sisters cant be friends with each others friends. That doesnt make sense to me. They are all close in age and we live in a very small town. Too me...just doesnt make sense. Why can't they all be friends? Not that I'm gonna go discuss this with SM just my thought on the idea. Secondly regarding my son and his older friend. I never said anything while it was going on.... but after the fact, yes reminded him she was the one I warned him about in life before I sent him out on his way into the world. No I do not need to control my son's love life and havent. I will however tell him if I am concerned about something. Sometimes he listens, sometime he doesnt. As in the past I will always be there for him regardless if his choice is one I agreed with or not. He will eventually figure it out and luckily we have that type of relationship we can talk about this kind of stuff. Yes, I have been forced to deal with SM because EXH cannot take care of anything. Sooo this is the only way as parents we have been able to coordinate crap. I realized the other night how angry I actually am with EXH when he wouldnt talk to me. He's letting his wife handle everything, just like he let me handle everything when we were married. So her and I are left to deal with each other. I resent that a little bit I guess because he is still not being responsible for choice making, again! Yes, I do need to make some changes and that is what I am working on and hence the whole reason I put my foot down with SM. It really shouldnt be this difficult EVERY day! I am a very strong woman and for the sake of peacekeeping have turned the other cheek and bit my tongue more than you could imagine, I have tried to build a relationship with this woman which I thought was in the best interest of my children. Instead I have become the mat for her feet wiping and I'm done. Call it controlling if you want. I am taking my space back. Believe me, the less I have to hear from the otherhouse the better. I have a wonderful life right now with my husband, our new baby girl, my job, and my relationship with my kids. Everything else is great! I just have this rash....and it won't go away. So.....this forum is my venting space and I will not engage with her any longer other than one liners. I have too many wonderful things going on in my life to let this black cloud ruin my sunshine.