I know this comment isn't helpful, but "They said that DL makes $50.00 a month too much to help with anything" is the sort of thing that makes me SO MAD about governments and their arbitrary cutoffs. That's the sort of BS that makes it better for people to stay on welfare than get their lives in order.

OK, now trying to be helpful...
Does DL have a cell? Could you change your home phone number and have her call the cell only? It might not change her habits, but at least you can ignore a vibrating cell phone.
Is there anything about phone calls in their divorce agreement or custody papers? If there is, photocopy it, highlight it and send it to her.
Are restraining orders filed through police or lawyers in your state? If it's police, that should be free and you could TRY (it might not work) to get something in place that BM's DH isn't allowed around the boys.
I hate that I'm giving this suggestion, but could DL drop one shift a month to get below your state's cutoff level? I wouldn't normally advocate this approach, but desperate times...

For a long time DL's ex did not have my cell number, and I happy for that. But a few months ago, after a night of endless calls from BM, we turned off his cell phone and the home phone and went to bed. In the middle of the night, DL's oldest son had an ashma attack and had to be rushed to the hospital. He alomost stopped breathing. Both boys have breathing problems (BM's smoking around them does not help), so we keep all phones on and gave her my cell number incase of another emergency.

And I agree with you about the government and their programs. There are all these programs that help single moms, but not the good dads that need it. We have video proof that BM left the boys alone in her car for 45 minutes in 90+ degree weather while she went in to screw DL's boss!!! Not one time, but 3 times. The video was turned over to the State to investigate and they did nothing. In our situation, BM is on diability and does not work. The State pays for EVERYTHING, even with her new marriage. DL pays her child support on time and at the end of the month, she alone makes more than DL and I do together. DL did not get sole custody because the judge said that DL and I work and we would have to put the boys in childcare, with joint custody, BM can watch them during the day since she does not work.

DL has thought about looking for another job making alittle less to get the help he needs. BUT DL lost his truck during the first court process. The job he has now is about a mile away from where I work and we are able to commute to work each day. Saves us from having to come up with money for another car payment AND gas. Whatever job he finds has to be close to where I work and around my work schedule or it won't work.

We have called Legal Aid, DHS and anyone else we can think of. There is nothing we can do now but hand it over to God and pray.

"There is nothing we can do now but hand it over to God and pray."

If praying helps you feel better, go nuts... But don't stop trying to make changes on the idea that it's out of your hands. If you're religious, you probably have the theory that God helps those who help themselves, right? So help yourself - keep trying!
Besides which, if you were just going to give up on trying and wait for God to help you out, why'd you bother coming here? I doubt you're going to find God on a stepfamily forum!
Pray your heart out, but saying "nothing I can do, it's in God's hands now" is an awfully defeatist attitude and isn't likely to get you anywhere.

Everyday I pray for the safety of DL's sons and strength to help DL. Since this has happened, I have not wasted one day calling someone, emailing, researching. I came across this site yesterday. I was frustrated and I Googled "How to deal with the Ex Wife" and this site came up. I thought I could find someone that has been through something similar, someone might have an idea that we have not thought of. I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP! I am religious, I could not be where I am today without my faith.

Ceph, Rereading what you posted, dont you think it was a tad harsh?Sandra,,Have a very similar suituation for 3 years now, jobless (formerly homeless)violent felon living with BM and 2 children, one of whom escaped the house as soon as he was old enough to get out..Fortunately we DO have the money to fight it, to no avail...The kindly judge decided BM s FRIEND, as she put it, could stay ..Have one kid still there, clamming up on whats going on, being threatened or bribed to keep quiet, I dont know, but he did tell us last week he s getting a MOTORCYCLE from them!!!! I would no more give a young teenager a bike then a loaded gun....So, Sandra, I feel your despair, after changing lawyers 3 times, and tons of money spent, even if you get to court, you may not get your kid in a safer environment...Kid doesnt want to leave Yippee a bike!!!! So , sometimes all you can do is pray( or maybe kidnap him or deprogram him, guess those are other options beside prayer.....

What about calling the child services agency in your area and saying that you fear the kids are in danger.. The husband has been married twice before and beaten both wives and has supervised visitation with his own kids. So if a court does not see him fit to see his own kids alone why would it see fit for him to live with other kids??

At the very least they should go check out the home and family life and talk to the kids. That may keep the guy on his toes.

Thanks dotz and mom2emall. Right now DL's sons are so young - 4 and 2. They love me and love the weekends that they come and see us. I have never tried to force a relationship with the boys, but my heart is over whelmed when they run to me with open arms when they see me as they do to their father. I am sure the days of motorcycles is just waiting for us.

We have called DHS-a child service agency. They have been to BM's house once (before she was married), but all they told her to do was to be careful. Now they won't do anything until one of the boys is hurt. We are checking into another agency to get a advocate for the boys that will come into our home as well as the BM's home to see that the boys are okay and safe.

It is just nice to know that we are not the only ones going through something like this.

Yeah, it was a little harsh. I probably could have better cushioned my opinion that there's no sense in praying for what you're not trying to do on your own... but I see why people pray for help in what you're trying to do on your own, or for the strength to keep trying. Sorry Sandra - I didn't intend to seem so snarky about it.

(I've had some frustrating experiences lately with people who pray instead of solve... Example 1 - I had a student who didn't do her homework last week, "because I prayed for more time, but it wasn't answered" Huh? Did she think God was going to pop an extra hour in her day because she didn't do her homework?... Example 2 - An acquaintance of mine has a baby who has a rash all over his body. Instead of taking him to a doctor to check for allergies, or switching laundry detergents or something, she's praying for it to go away. Meanwhile, it's getting worse. I could see praying for the wisdom to figure out what's wrong, or maybe even for the pain her baby is in to be lessened while they determine why he has this rash, but this approach is ridiculous... At the moment my patience for people who wait for God to solve their problems is minimal, so Sandra's comment really hit a nerve)

"At the time we met, DL was going through a hard, nasty divorce."

This is probably the WORSE time to meet & begin a relationship. If it took you a long time to be friendly with your ex, it may take longer or never to get there with his ex. Especially if she didn't want the divorce or sees you as the reason he went through with the divorce instead of working on his marriage to her. They have two small children and she is probably angry & bitter that their family is now broken. She has a right to feel that way and hopefully in time, she will get over it and move on but she may always see you as a factor in it.

"After MB was with this new man for 3 months, she told me that he had beaten her twice."

Did she tell YOU or did she tell her ex Husband? She may have been trying to make him jealous and going to him so he can 'rescue' her from this abusive man. When exH didn't rescue her, she married abusive BF. It was probably to make exH jealous if she is still bothering him and trying to bring discord to your home. She may have married him but she hasn't moved on.

"I can't get MB to let us have a life."

This isn't YOUR job, it's her ex Husband's job to create the boundaries he needs to live his life peacefully.

From what I gather, you are not married to this guy (you don't say you married him) so I don't understand why this is YOUR problem. Even if you are married to him, it's his responsibility to deal with his ex and protect his kids if she has them around an abusive man. There are social service agencies that don't charge to protect kids. Lawyers are nice to have but NOT necessary to go into court. Judges will still listen to a person that doesn't have a lawyer.

"Lawyers are nice to have but NOT necessary to go into court. Judges will still listen to a person that doesn't have a lawyer."

That's a very good point --
In fact, I agree with Ima all the way on this one.

Find an attorney that will work with you on payments. If you talk to them and explain what is going on you should be able to find one that will accept payments instead of the whole $1,500 at once.

Your story is so similar to mine it is scary and I'm sad to report that seven years later we are still dealing with all the same issues. BM keeps filing for custody and losing but DH has to go defend himself in court and please please please do not even think about going to court without a lawyer. DH has spent nearly 40,000 in legal fees and once tried to save himself some money in a matter he felt he could handle- the judge raked them over the coals and sent them to court ordered mediation (a $1,000 course that his lawyer got him out of twice before and once afterwards.) I've been in court when people show up without an attorney and they are most definately treated differently than lawyers representing a client.

If you can't afford it, don't get a lawyer. Lawyers think going to court solves everything; but judges are very finicky with abuse claims.

You need PROOF. And you don't have any. And judges are very reluctant to remove children, particularly very small children from their mother. Or even from a father. Parents have very strong rights. My ex-husband choked all three of our kids, aged 6-10, and ADMITTED it in court, and still got visitation. He was an alcoholic with 4 DUIs. My current husband's ex-wife was Baker Acted (involuntarily committed to a mental hospital) 26 times before their divorce (she's schizophrenic/bi-polar), caused her son to be taken into state custody 6 times and put into foster care several times, and didn't feed her newborn daughter so that she ended up in the hospital and STILL got visitation. The only reason she didn't get 50/50 custody was that her drug dealing BF was mad at her for something and came to court and testified that he saw her doing cocaine in front of the kids.

After two years of fighting in court, mediation, guardian ad litems, and $15,000 for me and $25,000 for my husband, my ex-husband's parental rights were suspended and my husband's ex-wife got supervised visitation at my husband's discretiion. And this is with a lot of PROOF of abuse. You don't have proof. You only have hearsay and rumor and supposition, none of which is evidence or allowed in court. If she says he doesn't beat her, and she says he doesn't beat her, and there's no witnesses or police reports, then he didn't beat her.

The kids are too young to be listened to unless they have bruises. Even if they say BF beats them, it's going to be presented as discipline.

I'm sorry to pass on the bad news. Maybe you'd get a sympathetic judge, but even then that's not enough. He knows his decision is up for review by an appellate court. Parents have rights, and those rights are skewed in favor of the mother, particularly since they are the so young, just still babies, and only lip service is paid to 'the best interests of the children'.

If you had money, I'd say go for it. But you are going to go into debt and go through the emotional rollercoaster of court and come out with nothing. You need proof, a lot of it.

Here's some other stories from my divorce group: a man with two young children 2 and 4, left him for a felon who just got out after 15 years in the pen for attempting to kill a cop. The judge ordered her at least to stay in the marital house. She moved out of state to be in the probation area of her boyfriend, took the kids with her, denied her ex visitation, and taught the boys to call BF Dad and to call their own dad by his first name. Altho she was under court order to stay in the marital house where the man had close access to his kids, she moved anyway--and the judge did nothing.

Another woman had proof that her ex was into child pornography AND that her 4 year old came home with rope marks around his neck and wrists and with stories of molestation. Dad had to go to counselling, and then got his unsupervised visitation back. (That's the other side of supervised visitation--it's not forever: it's until the parent gets counseling or finishes a program. My ex could get his parental rights back for the asking, but is afraid to go to court because he owes so much CS. My husband's ex could get unsupervised visits if she just can stay out of the hospital for 6 months. It would be terrible for spend $20,000 and two years to get supervised visitation or reversed custody--only to have mom and BF finsih a 6 week program and get their custody back. But that's the reality.)

Another person had an ex who was a terrible drunk, the daughter didn't want to visit, not at 13, not at 15, not at 17. The judge forced her to visit until her 18th birthday, even though she told him stories of being in the car with him driving drunk and no food in the house and drunken rages.

I'm sorry, but I think the best thing you can do since you are on such a tight budget is just trust in god. You can try representing yourself in court and just talking to the judge. But it's a long hard battle. Even without a lawyer it will mean mediation and GALs and time off of work.

I've been represented and I've represented myself. The major difference is knowing what is or isn't relevant. When you represent yourself, you have to detach your emotions and stick to the relevant issues that the court is going to care about. An attorney isn't emotionally involved and that is why they are nice to have. It's easy to get caught up in how you feel and the court doesn't care about feelings, they care about proof.

It's also true that attorney's and judges socialize and they are all a part of the legal community. They aren't adversaries, they will pat each other on the back, go to lunch, parties, golf and talk on the phone (about your case and their vacations).... all the while they are billing YOU $300 an hour. There are complex situations that I wouldn't go into court for without an attorney, but if you do your legwork and have proof that there is danger to these kids, the court will listen, especially if there are reports from social services, the school or counselors.

There is a difference between 'abuse' or 'potential harm' or 'difference in lifestyle'. She is the mother and the court may assume, until you have proof to the contrary, that she is not going to put her kids in harms way and she will protect them. If he's a registered sex offender or has a restraining order against him, the court may care but depending on proof or lack of proof, the court may not think he's a danger to anyone. The court isn't likely going to stop visitation or order supervised visitation based upon your BF's 'feelings' or just his fear. The mother could just as easily accuse him of doing something to keep him from seeing his kids. That's why the court requires proof.

When you go to court and you see parents being treated differently, you have to understand that they may not know what to say or what they are saying may not be relevant to the court. In my state, there is a family law facilitator in every court. That is a lawyer that gives assistance without representing either side. There are many options, but it's pointless to go to court unless you have some proof. I guess my point is that before you jump the gun and hire a lawyer, make sure you have a case.

newgardenelf, I know that anyone can file papers to go into court and your DH, unfortunately has an ex that is going to abuse the process. If he can prove she's filing frivolous cases and forcing him to defend it to the tune of $40k, then he might ask his attorney about suing her in a civil case for abuse of process. I'm surprised the court would rake him over the coals if she's dragging him into court all the time with the same results. Usually, the courts get aggravated with a party that wastes it's time. (and the courts prefer mediation to trials because they would rather that parties come to agreements themselves on how to raise their own children. They don't like to choose sides anymore than the kids do. They want the parents to grow up, act like adults, & get along for the sake of the kids.)

While you may be helpless against what your husband's ex-wife does in her private life and in her own home, you aren't helpless against her interference in your lives.

You don't have to answer the phone.

// calls constantly when she knows we are at family birthday parties, begs for money. And then when she has the boys she is still calling, wanting to know what we are doing, eating, talking too. MB finally met a new guy. DL and I were so happy and thought that it meant that we could have a live without MB there everyday.///

My husband's ex calls all the time too (15 times last sunday). We pick up the phone, click answer, click end call, and hang up.

WHen she begs for money, say, "If you can't afford to take care of the boys, perhaps they are better off living here."

Say it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

You have a visitation schedule. Follow it. You don't need to discuss anything on the phone. Have the child exchanges happen at the local police station. It cuts down on ugliness. It's actually very common and the police don't mind; they would rather have it happen in their lobby than have to come to your house for a domestic dispute. And if she doesn't show up, you have a witness that she is in contempt of court for not producing the children.

Limit all conversations to the kids. Learn to say, "This has nothing to do with the kids. I guess we are done talking."

If you actually tell her what you are having for dinner or talking about, then you are fools, and can only blame yourselves that she keeps calling.

Tell her that all communication from this point forward is to be thru email. If she doesn't have email, then get one of those $14 phones from target and put $50 of pre paid minutes on it. Turn off the ringer and make her leave messages. YOU decide whether her call warrants a return call. If she calls any other phone number, hang up when you see her # on caller ID or hear her voice. Train her to use 'her' phone number only.

She can only invade your lives to the extent you let her.

I am glad you went to court when she started withholding visitation. You don't need a lawyer for this. SInce you already have a court order for visitation, all you have to do is tell the judge, "She's not following it." If she plays this game too often, she may end up losing custody. At the minimum, ask the judge for comp time. If the visitation plan give your husband a 100 day/nights a year, and she comes up with excuses for 10 of them, ask that you get those ten made up over Xmas. The judge is very likely to give it to you, particularly if this is an ongoing problem. She'll only miss one Xmas before she stops this crap.

Custody and visitation are issues that can always be revisited. Wait a little for the kids to get older and ask for 50/50--you'll probably get it. Federal laws promote it if the dads want it. If 50/50 doesn't work because of the school schedule, ask for swapping custodial years. This works surprisingly well. One year you are the custodial family, and she has one night a week and every other weekend, and the next years, she's the custodial parent and you get EOW. This works surprisingly well, and isn't as disruptive for the kids as you might think, particularly if the parents are in the same school system. I knew a woman who had this imposed upon her against her will. She started off hating it, but after a couple years she liked it a lot.

After a year ask the judge for an extra night a week, or 50/50, the judge will probably consider it seriously if you propose a workable plan. If your husband's ex has a baby or two with her new BF, she's probably going to be less likely to want to have her older kids around and be less likely to fight it.

Bide your time and slowly increase the time you have with the boys. Don't bring up the BF or the abuse in court--it is so easily viewed as melodramatic, manipulative and jealous (even though you know it's the truth). Judges hear abuse lies and exaggerations every day, they just don't listen. But build your relationship with the children, gently and consistently push for more time, and I wouldn't be surprised if in several years you do end up with the kids more often than not.

"This works surprisingly well, and isn't as disruptive for the kids as you might think, particularly if the parents are in the same school system."

I would think that would be absolutely undo-able if the kids were NOT in the same school system. If my state, every town has its own school system, and the chance that both parents are going to live in the same town is practically nil, especially if they remarry. If alternating years of visitation were common that would mean that the H, his new wife, the W, her new H, and the previous spouses of the new H and new wife, and their new spouses, and their new spouses' previous spouses, etc., etc. would all have to be from the same town, if everyone had kids.

I dont know anyone with alternating years. Agreed, unless same school district it would be totally unworkable.

I never heard anything about federal laws promoting 50/50 -- has anyone else?

I don't know so much that it's a federal law as much as the belief that kids need their parents equally, so 50/50 would be a preferred arrangement . . . provided the parents stay in close proximity.

I have a work associate who is married to a man with an every other day arrangement. I think that pushes the limits of 'in the children's best interest' . . . .

In July 2006, the Family Law (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) ('the SPA') came into operation, effecting wide-sweeping reforms to the Australian family law system. The reforms included amendments to Part VII of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) ('the FLA') that seek to promote parental involvement with children and arrangements for equal or substantial shared care.

I found many articles for state legislation in the US for shared or 50/50 custody but couldn't find a federal law in the US. I did find an article that said 12 states (from 2006) have adopted a preference for 50/50 custody. One of the reasons the legislation has been opposed, is "that a presumption of joint legal and physical custody could handcuff judges who should be free to consider the best interests of children on a case-by-case basis." and that does make sense but it was good to hear that many states do prefer this arrangement anyways.

I would think every other day would be very hard on a child. I have seen one dad have the child sleep at his house and the mom had from after school until dad got off work. I have seen every other year arrangements (BM tried to get DH to agree to that but changing schools every year would be too much) and I have seen three days/four days then four days/three days. I personally liked the week on/week off. I have also seen the children remain in the marital home and the parents move in and out every other week. I think that does give the child stability but I would think there may be more stress and conflict between the parents.... they would have to be VERY amicable to do that. (I could see housekeeping & maintenance complaints as well as problems in their social lives) I think that's a terrible idea unless both parents want it that way.

out of curiosity what are the 12 states that have adopted a preference of 50/50 custody??

louisiana has presumption for 50/50 custody. It is the automatic default, 50/50 physical , unless its unworkable because of distance, etc. If its unworkable physically, its still presumed at joint custody for practical matters.

North Dakota just passed a law, making 50/50 the presumption as well.

Yes, every other year would be problematic if the school were different. I think it would be horrible for a kid to change schools every year--but who says he should. Perhaps other transportation will have to be arranged.

Often though parents are forbidden to move too far away if they want 50/50 custody and so the school issue is not a problem. Every other day is hard on kids. I remember watching a little girl after kindergarden who was anxious every afternoon because she never knew who was going to pick her up and where she was going to have dinner. She was always picked up on time and well cared for by nice people, but it was hard on her (she turned out fine).

The split week is hard on school aged kids, things are always being left behind and forgotten--and again if you aren't in the same school system this REALLY doesn't work, and I know a couple teenagers who essentially live out of their cars with all their stuff in their trunks and just visit at both parents houses. EOW works pretty well particularly if you have two NCP evenings a week.

However, it all depends on the parents. Some parents are mature enough to make anything work and some cannot make the best of all worlds work.

It is not as simple as merely arranging transportation to a school because you are outside the area served by a school bus. Unless your school has school choice, you can't simply decide to stay in school A if you now live in town B.

An average town in my state is maybe 10 square miles, maybe three miles by three miles. I don't see how demanding that someone live only move within that small an area would be feasible.

My town is about 2 miles square. I paid top dollar for a house in this school district. My DD knows who will be there for her. Every day. How much of the demand for 50/50 comes from Dads who want to cut CS and SMs whose ego demands at least a semblance of what looks like an intact family?

2 miles square? Town, my butt. That's a hamlet. Village at best. :)

Its actually a school district. You have to live in that small area to attend the schools. There are other school districts near us about that size.

TOS, if the towns are 3 miles by 3 miles, then your ex could live two towns away and still transport the child 10 miles to school on his weeks. If two parents live in different school districts and have 50/50, I would assume they could choose one school and make that the primary residence for school purposes. That is what my husband and his ex did. SD went to school by the mom's house, but my husband drove her 28 miles to school every morning. (it takes 45-55 minutes depending on traffic each way) It worked for them for at least three years, from Kindergarten through second grade when mom moved away. As forms said, if you want it to work, you can make it work. If you want a reason to fight, you can always find one. It's easy to make excuses. and kkny, do you really think 50/50 gives anyone the semblance of an intact family? You may imagine that blended families go around hoping the world will think they are the bio parents and act like an intact family (whatever that means) but I think that blended families spend a greater deal of time trying to put the kids at ease and make the best of what can be a very bad situation. I know that I don't care if people at the grocery store or school think I'm the mom or stepmom, I don't pretend to be something I am not. It's more important to keep my stepdaughter from constantly thinking about the crappy situation she has been dealt.

Ima, 10 miles away still means Dad doesnt live near DDs friends. She can walk to friends house from mine. And I dont want my DD living out of car, as someone else suggested.

And if my DD has a cr**py situation, I would suggest Dads SO had a lot to do with that.

How on earth do you transport your child ten miles each way to school and still work full-time? If I had to drive 40 miles a day, I would never be able to fit in eight hours of work, and I don't think my employer would appreciate my being gone for an hour or more during the middle of the afternoon. And if custody is really 50/50, both school districts are going to insist that the child really lives in the other one.

TOS, my husband transported his daughter 28 miles every morning on his weeks. Before he met me, he paid to have his daughter in a daycare near the school (after school care). When the daycare closed, he was going to find another one and instead, BM said she would keep their daughter after school on his weeks if he paid her what he was going to pay the daycare. So, he did that until he and I got serious and then I would go pick up SD from her school on his weeks. He works an 8 hour day and he's worked in the same place for 21 years. He was able to get a shift that started around the time SD started school so he could drop her off at school at 8:15 and starts work at 8:30. He gets off work at 5:30 and would pick her up from her daycare or BM's house. When I started picking her up, it was more convenient for him to come straight home, but he would have been able to manage with it the other way.

And what would he have done when his daughter outgrew daycare at 12 or 13? There are still an awful lot of school years left. Not everyone can afford daycare - if I'd had to pay after school daycare for a couple of kids at $200 a month each, it wouldn't have been worth working. I wouldn't have been able to work if I hadn't had teens at home to take care of the younger ones, but they didn't have driver's licenses for most of those years.

Our county is big and I drive at least 30 miles a day between transporting kids and myself to work and back... and that doubles on the days that there are activities and/or we have to drive the kids back to their mothers house who moved more than 45 minutes out of the way. And, I work 8 sometimes more hours a day plus volunteer and go to school. So, yes it is more than doable it is just a matter of what you are willing to do. And, none of our kids are in daycare because it simply is to much money especially for four kids... at 100.00 per week times four kids.. it would be upwards of 1200.00.

And then what -- even if you pick up the kids after school, they have less flexibiltiy re after school activities, their school friends are 10 miles away. For what -- so they can sit at SM and Dads house while dad is at work. Sounds like a power play/ego trip by SM and no real concern re kids. But heah, SM and Dad can say they have 50/50.

I am not sure you that was directed at but I am going to take it personally...

what the hell... where exactly did you get that they can't get involved in after school activities or their friends are to far away to be friends with or hang out with?? Both of the boys are involved in after school activities and both are also enrolled in tutoring. The oldest also is involved with tech team which requires them to be at school early. They are also both involved with the football team in the neighborhood that we live and therefore have more friends than they can possibly count not only at school but in our area... not to mention the next door neighbors (and there are many) that they play with on the weekends... In addition to that the girls are in dance and the older girl wants to be involved with an activity at school next year which she will (this will be the first year she is old enough)

And I NEVER went to my neighborhood school when I was growing up... I always went to a school in some other area in our county but was always involved with extra curricular activities up to my eyeballs and friends in just about every place I could imagine.

I think it is more than narrow minded and ridiculous to say that that is a SM ego trip and no real concern for the kids... I didnt realize it was an ego trip to for both a father (and Sm since I too miss my skids when I havent seen them in a few days) and a mother to want to be around their kids equal time and make sacrifices and work harder to make that work!!

oh, good lord, the separate school districts thing is not that hard. My youngest brother did it (half the week at each house, parents in separate school districts) his entire school years. My dad would pick him up after school on his days. If he couldn't, my stepmom would. He wouldn't be at dad's house without dad any more than he would have been at mom's house without mom if he'd gone there. When he was in junior high, he and my parents decided the school in my dad's district would be better for him, so he switched. Then my mom picked him up after school on her days. No, neither school district demanded to look at the divorce papers to find out which parent he "legally" lived with (my mom actually had legal primary custody), he had a parent with a home address inside the district that was good enough for them. After-school activities were coordinated the same they would have been any other way... somebody drove a kid somewhere, (whether one of my parents or another kid's parent), and somebody picked them up when they were done. Their school friends are 10 miles away? In what world is this really a problem? I mean, I grew up in the rural midwest, people live far apart, nobody went anywhere without somebody driving them, somehow kids still managed to have friends.

Why did this work? Because both parents made it a priority that no matter what they would put being a parent first in their lives. Yes, it took a bit more effort on my parents' parts (although being divorced parents in general takes extra effort). Will it work if one parent can't be bothered? Probably not so well, no-- no one situation will work for everyone. But there's nothing inherently wrong with 50/50, even if parents are in different school districts.

before my dad bought his house, he lived in the same school district as my mom. But on a different bus route, so we would take a different bus depending on which house we went to. Seriously, not that hard (although we absolutely had a schedule and stuck to it... no point making things overly complicated... if we were constantly switching days, i could see there being times we'd have wound up at the wrong house).

KKNY I am confused .... your ex is in the same house you both shared .. how is it SO's fault your daughter lives far enough away from him that she can't walk to or visit friends from his house????? I would say thats your fault for first buying a home with hubby in a "bad" district and then moving to a "better" district even though it meant alienating daughter from going to her fathers because she "wouldn't" have any friends from school in his neighborhood ... I am guessing she never made any friends at the old house ... poor kid!!

You bought a house in a different district or do I have that wrong??

Are you suggesting your EX sell the home your daughter is "entitled to" when she turns 25 to move closer to you so your daughter could visit friends who live closer to you than him?

She was going to school out of district when we lived togehthor (since first grade). Either I drove her or aupair did. We may a decision togehthor to buy a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood with not so great schools. Everyone on the block sent kids to school at private schools, out of distict etc. She had friends when we lived there. Now we live in a district with supurb schools that we used to pay 15K a year for her to go to.

And no, he is GIVING the house to her when she is 25.

I hear a lot of whining, blaming, and making excuses why it's everyone else's fault or not doable.

"Not everyone can afford daycare - if I'd had to pay after school daycare for a couple of kids at $200 a month each, it wouldn't have been worth working."

If you can't afford $200 a month, I venture to say you wasted your time & money on two graduate degrees. I can afford $200 a month (because that's about what it cost me in fuel to go pick up my step daughter after school everyday when she went by her mom's house) I agree that not everyone can afford daycare, but there are also subsidized programs for low income and single parents. When they get to 13+, they can usually be home alone. I'm not sure many 13+ year olds would want to have a babysitter. Isn't part of being a parent, figuring these things out as you go? If it means taking a more flexible job like TOS or working more & hiring help like KKNY, we do what we have to do. When I was a single parent, I couldn't (or chose not to because I had job security there) change jobs so I found a house near where I worked. I could run home on my breaks if I needed to. The school was just down the street if I got a call to pick someone up. When they were able to, they went to after care and when they got too old, they came home and I monitored what was going on by calling or coming home on my lunch and breaks. I could have lived in a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood but further away from work and it would have been harder to be as involved as I was. It's all about choices.

"And then what -- even if you pick up the kids after school, they have less flexibiltiy re after school activities, their school friends are 10 miles away."

When my stepdaughter was going to school 28 miles away from us, she was in taekwondo with her mom. On my husbands weeks, I would take her. I'd pick her up from school, hang out window shopping or running errands for an hour (sometimes take her to the park or work on her homework while we waited) and take her to her taekwondo class which was near her school & mom's house. She also was in girl scouts and karate where DH and I live. She made friends there too so she had friends by her mom's house and dad's house. I didn't realize that kids were only allowed to make friends in ONE area.... hmmm.

Like I said, if you want it to work, you can make it work. IF TOS has two degrees and can earn more, she may be able to afford a babysitter/daycare or she may choose to take a lower paying job that has flexibility. You choose what works for you, just as I chose to live near my job.

So to answer all of these statements and questions ... it could fit under the blanket statement.....

As a parent you go that extra mile to make sure your children get the best of what you can provide.

Going 40 minutes out of the way to get your child not an issue

Afterschool activities not an issue the kids will get there.

Friends not an issue kids will get there

Putting your child in a better school district not an issue

Parents living in different districts not an issue....

And 2 square miles ... eeks ... I live on an island thats bigger than your "town".... :)