I'd back out of it.

The way it is now, your hubs is trying to navigate & negotiate between 2 women, & both of them are angry.

If he's gotta deal with an angry woman, let it be somebody other than you!

If caller id shows that she's making the call, let the answering machine take the message.

*Don't* let yourself do something that can be seen as spiteful or adolescent, like picking up & then hanging up.

& really, if the children's mother wants to talk to their father about them, *that's good*.

If he has to find out from you what's going on, just let him know & then go do something else, & let him handle it.

That's good, too.

In every divorce-with-children that I've seen, even where spousal abuse was involved, the courts have decreed that the custodial parent *must* provide a phone number for the non-custodial parent to call to discuss things relating to the children.

(I know a woman who has a separate cell phone, with a PO Box for billing, just for the ex;
he's the guy who beat her about once a week for years, but he's entitled to that number so that he can check on his children.)

She's their mother, & she really is entitled to know what's going on with them.

Just let it be between her & the children's father.

I wish you the best.

She has a separate number to call my husband. He and both SS all have their own cell phones. There is no need in her calling the house. I agree she is entitled to know what is going on but she never cares unless she thinks it will give her ammo against us. My hub found porn on 13yr olds phone with date and time being when he was in her care and she said she didn't want to discuss it with my hub because it "disgusted" her. That's just it, she wants to know what is going on here, but if my hub tries to discuss something going on at her house, she says it is between her and SS. The road runs both ways.

I'm tellin' ya, this sounds like trouble, & it isn't good for you to be in the middle of it.

not good for you, not good for relationship with hubs, not good policy in general to get hooked into someone else's power game.

If she can reach hubs on his cell, & can reach kids on theirs, & you have caller ID on landline & on your cell, *just don't pick up the phone*.

People don't keep doing something that doesn't work.

You already got so agitated, or aggravated or whatever, that you picked up your own phone in your own home & hung it up without saying anything.

What a thrill for a troublemaker!

What power, to be able to make an adult woman, maybe one the troublemaker doesn't like or sees as a rival, *act like a high school girl in a spat with another girl*!

Don't feed the pathology/don't reward her for making trouble.

Porn on son's cell?

Hubs needs to talk to *son* about that.

#1: Hubs needs to talk to son about it, period.
He's the boy's father, he needs to communicate with his son.

#2: Hubs needs to *not* put himself in the position of "requesting" or "asking" for something that the ex can turn down (I think the most potent power for a control freak/troublemaker is the power to refuse a plea).

He's done the responsible, adult thing as far as his ex is involved:

he's let her know what's going on, let her know that he is distressed about it.

She's given him her response.

So he knows he's not going to get *any* help/support/involvement there.

Fine.

I've found that it's often easier to take care of things unimpeded by "help".

I wish you all the best.

gg15 - Is that 15 in your screen-name your age? Because that's how you're acting....

You wrote:
" She had a question about something that happened at our house that had nothing to do with my husband and everything (she thought) to do with me. She called my husband and he had to call me to even find out what she was talking about. I emailed her with an explanation of what happened and asked her why she didn't just ask me about it directly. This was not an unusual question b/c in the past, we have discussed many issues concerning the kids. Well she emailed back and told me that the issues were with her and my husbands children and for me not to email her again. "

This sounds like a fairly straight-forward misunderstanding. She called her ex. to ask about something that sounded wrong. She may have heard a spin on something that put you in a negative light and wanted to get "the truth" rather than "your version" -- Then when you e-mailed her, she probably misinterpreted your tone as "How dare you go behind my back!" instead of "Please feel free to talk with me anytime." (Or maybe she wasn't misinterpreting your tone??)

So now instead of clearing the air, you've escalated the situation. Instead of inviting her to discuss things with you peacefully, you've stomped off and are angrily refusing to talk with her, ever. And you're blaming everyone else. Admittedly, she and your hubby aren't acting much better, but really that's beside the point.

Do you want to stay mad, feel like the victem and live in a state of perpetual anger?
Or do you want to try to work things out and re-open the damaged communication channels?

WOW Sweeby! Let me guess, you are also a bitter, jealous ex wife. Let me give you a little more info to fill you in. My husband and the ex went to counseling. THEY BOTH requested that I be there. EX told the counselor that she felt more comfortable talking with me b/c 1)I had more knowledge about what was going on with the kids when they are with us and 2) She had too many hard feelings towards my husband. We have been communicating about the kids for awhile. She has even emailed me to tell me how much she appreciates the way I love and take care of the kids and that she is glad we were able to communicate about the kids so openly b/c my hubby is not always the best at that. The reason I emailed her is b/c my husband had no idea what she was talking about and I knew full well what was going on. I was not going to play the "whisper a secret to the person next to you to see how distorted it gets by the time it reaches the end of the line" game" by going through my husband when I am perfectly capable of explaining the situation directly. You say she may have wanted "the truth" but since my husband had no clue what she was talking about all either of them had to go on was what I said anyway (which was the truth and proved, but that's beside the point). I was also informing her of a plot that my SS had told me about how he was going to lie to her and sneak out of her house that coming weekend. Excuse me for not knowing she changed the rules!
And the only person I'm "blaming" here is myself for being stupid enough to try to have a civil relationship with her . I'm not mad anymore and I'm certainly not claiming to be a victim as I am the one who made the decision to marry a man with an ex wife. I didn't "damage the lines of communication" so no it's not my place to try to "work things out". Just because she decided to change the rules of interaction doesn't mean I have to continue to be a pawn in her game and go with whatever mood she's in from day to day. From now on, she is my husbands problem, not mine.
I will continue to let my husband know what is going on with the boys and he can do whatever with the information.
By the way, when she called the house the other night, the kids were with her, not us and she asked a question that had already been asked to my husband and answered. I probably did overreact when she called the other night but I think now we know where we stand with each other and we can now live happily ever after! : )

"WOW Sweeby! Let me guess, you are also a bitter, jealous ex wife."

Actually, I'm not. (You may want to read some of my other posts here.) My relationship with my Ex's wife is very cordial and cooperative, much like the one you described with your husband's Ex. And like in your case, I also requested that she be present in negotiations concerning my son since, as you point out, she was the one who really knew what was going on.

When I said "the truth" in my initial response, the quotation marks were to indicate that this was perhaps her impression -- not that what you would tell her wouldn't be truthful. But really, your interpretation underscores what it was I was trying to say -- that communications can easily be misinterpreted, resulting in offense being taken where none was intended. (Not to say that I didn't intend a bit of offense. My post was snarky, but I wanted to get your attention.)

"And the only person I'm "blaming" here is myself for being stupid enough to try to have a civil relationship with her.... I didn't "damage the lines of communication" so no it's not my place to try to "work things out". "

I maintain my civil relationship with my son's stepmother by always assuming that she meant well, and that if I'm taking offense, I should take a deep breath, re-read the line in question to see if she may have meant something else, and in doubt, I call her to clarify. If she acts angry with me or offended, I ask her if something I said or did came out wrong, because I certainly didn't mean any offense. Or if something she says hits me the wrong way, I suggest that I may have misunderstood her -- Did she mean this? Or did she really mean that? She's a nice person - so am I. And I always bear that in mind when we're communicating.

The stakes are too high to go all emotional and self-righteous! This is my son's day-to-day life we're talking about, and if she's furious at me, you can bet my son's care will suffer for it. (Not a lot, because she is a good person -- but a little, because she's human, and no one is being their best parent when they're furious.)

Whether or not you believe it's "your place" to work things out, it's certainly in your best interests. Being cordial and coorperative is more important than being right. Be the bigger person here...

I used to try to be cordial and nice to my husband's ex.However,she would only call me and never him.I felt she put me in the middle,which was a place I didnt want to be.
She also,IMO,tried to turn me against my husband.

I finally told him she wasnt my ex and that really it was unfair that I had to talk to her.So...I dont anymore.His daughter is old enough to call him herself if she wants to without her mom having to do it.He talks to her if he has too,but I stay waaay out of it.
And things have been working out much better this way.

It is hard not to let these people get under your skin.I dont see what is so bad about hanging up on her.Better to hang up on her then to say something you cant take back later.

I'm in a similar situ with my husbands ex. BUt i was only cordial with her for the first 3 months. After that she backstabbed me for holiday schedual that has nothing to do with me. Just cause she couldnt' get her way with my husband she used me as an escapegoat. Well i washed my hands of her as well. Told my husband she is not to phone the house unless the kids are there with us and any emergencies she is to page him.
So you see, no the exwife doesnt' have to phone the house or you. You are correct gg15. BLOCK HER NUMBER OUT OF YOUR CELL AND LOCK HER NUMBER OUT OF THE HOUSE. In this case, she has access to your husbands cell phone and her kids cell numbers. There is no need to phone the house and your cell number. She has not obviously made it clear that she is not being cordial or friendly with you. She is being bossy, nosy and obviously has issues. You are not a rug! Lock her phone out and yes, your husband issue to deal with her.
I've done the same thing. ITs worked peacefully!

Dear GG 15,
I would suggest to you that you look back to the divorce decree and the rules that are in it. In all my understanding of divorce and custody and visitation - what happens at your house with his children is HIS business and what happens at the bio mom's house is HER business. She has absolutely NO authority to monitor or interfere with his parenting of his children on his time.
Neither your husband or you have to explain yourselves or your parenting to her.
During the time the kids are with you she does not need to contact them. It is your time. If she has things she needs to discuss with them she can do it on her time.
I learned this in counseling - that is why I am sharing this with you. It is called triangulation, what she is doing to you.
In the case of some sort of emergency - she should definitely call you first to help with letting the child know.
If your stepson is unavailable on his cell phone - he is unavailable. And I would bet he is busy with something and doesn't need to answer his meddling momma's check up call. But leave that alone - that is between bio mom and son. Bet she won't chastise him for not calling her.
She is running your house because you let her. If you take her out of the equation, it will be a lot better. The less interaction, and therefore attention, she receives from you, the better.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Keep Vegas fun!

So is Sarahl saying that while the children are home with me, my ex-husband does not need to contact them because it is my time? Somehow I don't think he would be happy if I told him that he couldn't call the children. Some non-custodial fathers (the decent ones) call their children on a daily basis, just to stay in touch and involved in their lives. But it works both ways - both parents should be able to contact their children no matter whose house they are at.

theotherside is right on. My husband calls his children at his ex-wife's house a lot. He doesn't want anything. Just wants to talk to them since they don't live with us. The telephone is his lifeline to them. Inversely, there is NO WAY that I'd keep the children's mother from contacting them while they're here. After all, even though I may not like her, she IS their mother. There's no way I would send my kids somewhere that I couldn't contact them--even if it is a bio-parent's home--why should she?

GG15's original post could've been one written by me, only my DH's ex-wife has NEVER been nice to either me or DH.

I think if the EW is calling for unnecessary reasons and just to make herself known in the household (like my DH's EW), then she needs to be stopped. My SS lives with us and his mother calls the landline constantly (although my DH has enabled BM to do this by not telling her to stop). SS has a cell phone that she is to call, which she knows, yet she constantly calls the house phone, which we rarely answer anyhow be/c we're never here and if we are, no one wants to talk to her anyhow. Then I'm forced to hear those drippy and phony, "This is your mom, son, and I miss you so much and love you so much" answering machine messages. Those types of phone calls (completely pointless and more than once a day) are considered nuisance calls which are *definitely* a violation of both custody and divorce decrees. I've tried calling the phone company to get her number blocked out but they won't do it be/c she lives within the same area code as us but her ph# is long distance (She lives 3 hours away).

We've heard the same thing from her: She'll call as much as she wants to when he's here with us, but DH isn't allowed to call SS when he's visiting BM. If DH does call SS's cell, SS won't answer or won't text message him back. It makes me C-R-A-Z-Y.

Thanks for the responses. It's not that I care how many times she calls the kids when they are with us. Alot of the time, the SS looks at his cell phone's caller id and when he sees it's her, he ignores it b/c she calls so much. That is his decision. My point is that I will not be "used" by her. She will not be nice to me when it is convenient for her and treat me like I'm invisible when the mood strikes. She has told DH that she knows the kids are with me 90% of the time and I do most of the care giving for them. I stay out of work with them when they are sick, I take them to the Dr., I help them with homework, whatever "mothering" needs to be done, I do. Basically, I am their mother when they are here and I do it b/c I love them and I love my DH. I had to take one to the Dr. last week and she sent a message through my DH to tell me "thank you". I knew what she really meant was, "I'm glad she dealt with that and I didn't have to miss work". Well I didn't do it for her. I know it really pi**ed her off too b/c we did not have current insurance info on the kids (she is required to maintain that) and after calling my DH repeatedly to ask if she needed to send the info to him (he was a hour away from me and the DR.??!!??), he told her no and explained that I had called his regular Ped. to have the info faxed. "Killing her with kindness" is not really my thing. Doing whatever I can like having ball schedules faxed to us directly from school and taking care of getting the insurance info without her help to take away some of her "control" better appeals to me.

gg15, you're right on! I also agree with Sarahl. Phone calls are ok ONLY IF both sides are comfortable with it. For my situation, BM called for everything even when the kids were with her. One time she called because she could not stop his son from throwing a tantrum (5 years old), and wanted my husband to discipline him through the phone. My husband did, but of course the boy would not stop his fit because he was taking advantage on his mom, and he knew his mom spoils him. The BM called back and I stepped in to answer the phone. When she said she wanted the boy to talk to his dad again because the boy would not stop, I told her it was time for HER to discipline her son the way she should as a mother. She hung up the phone and have not called back for small sweat since.

This is my whole point. BM's who do these things are all about control and what they think they are "entitled" to in the name of the kids. "Kill them with kindness" is all good and fine for some but I've discovered that taking away their "control" is what really works. No BM should be calling DH b/c of something that happened at her house. It's not your DH's problem anymore. He doesn't live there. At the same time, what happens at DH house is none of BM's business. The parents should be able to call and speak to kids no matter where they are if it's within reason. In our case, it wasn't so we chose to add $10 a month to our cell phone bill and get the kids a cell phone. Believe me it was $10 well spent. We got the 7 yr old a "migo" cell phone which is age appropriate and prevents him from running up a bill. There are always ways to deal with these ex's properly, you just have to put some thought into it sometimes and make it happen. Most of them are not about the DH or the kids but getting to the woman who replaced them. Most of the time it works until it's you squash her like the roach she is. As SMOMS, we are not powerless and even though a lot of people say (and I HATE this), "It's not YOUR problem, don't let it bother you". Well it becomes our problem. Not only b/c we are human and have natural protective instincts, but also b/c it feels like an overstep of boundaries and an invasion of privacy and NO ONE has a right to that. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "What if this person were a stranger?" Would you allow such behavior? If the answer is "no", do something. It's time for us SMOMS to stop feeling like and being treated like a 3rd wheel in our own lives!

There! Sermon over! LOL Sorry if I got a little carried away there. : )

This is my whole point. BM's who do these things are all about control and what they think they are "entitled" to in the name of the kids. "Kill them with kindness" is all good and fine for some but I've discovered that taking away their "control" is what really works. No BM should be calling DH b/c of something that happened at her house. It's not your DH's problem anymore. He doesn't live there. At the same time, what happens at DH house is none of BM's business. The parents should be able to call and speak to kids no matter where they are if it's within reason. In our case, it wasn't so we chose to add $10 a month to our cell phone bill and get the kids a cell phone. Believe me it was $10 well spent. We got the 7 yr old a "migo" cell phone which is age appropriate and prevents him from running up a bill. There are always ways to deal with these ex's properly, you just have to put some thought into it sometimes and make it happen. Most of them are not about the DH or the kids but getting to the woman who replaced them. Most of the time it works until it's you squash her like the roach she is. As SMOMS, we are not powerless and even though a lot of people say (and I HATE this), "It's not YOUR problem, don't let it bother you". Well it becomes our problem. Not only b/c we are human and have natural protective instincts, but also b/c it feels like an overstep of boundaries and an invasion of privacy and NO ONE has a right to that. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "What if this person were a stranger?" Would you allow such behavior? If the answer is "no", do something. It's time for us SMOMS to stop feeling like and being treated like a 3rd wheel in our own lives!

There! Sermon over! LOL Sorry if I got a little carried away there. : )