I think it's going to be a hard road in your situation, even if it ultimately works out. Coming into the life of any ***teenager*** ---no matter how perfect/imperfect either the SK or the SP (or the BP) is or isn't--- there are many classic & predictable issues that must be worked through. (In addition to just the ones of classic, typical adolesence itself). Again, this isn't a sign that the blended family is failing, just going through its natural processes. Where many people unfortunately make a mistake and end up making a stressful adjustment so much worse (and into permanent rifts sometimes) is when these normal things get turned into Major Malfunctions. Somebody always ends up in therapy, but usually not together. Everyone's feeling unsure, ambivalent, yadda yadda yadda, and the impulse is to ascertain who is "The Problem". Chrisb123 correctly points out that there tends to be a 'scapegoat' in these situations. And that role is free-floating and in a constant state of negotiation. It's all too easy for an SP to feel like a scapegoat (after all, they are the "new" element). But this tends to foul up the nice new marriage and in any event still doesn't take away the tense, unsure feelings all around. It is quickly deemed undesirable as a group dynamic, especially by the parent and step-parent, who tend to have more power and means in the family and thus more ability to adjust the dynamic. Thus the next phase in the blended family adjustment is often to swiftly invert the 'scapegoat' role onto the SK. Thus, he becomes the lone 'problem' on the therapists' couch. ("See? He's IN THERAPY... He must be THE PROBLEM...") And SK gets rightly angry about it, feeling....well... scapegoated, and maybe starts to develop more serious anger with the SK. And the BP. So the therapy doesn't tend to "stick" too good at this point, in that scenario. The whole family needs to go to therapy together, period, to work together so that NOBODY has to erroneously feel like The Problem.

I took that statement to mean that she has low self-esteem and that it was self-affirmation. She's already said that BF's family thinks she is a dumb little blonde (how does she know this? Is BF telling her they think this?), that BF has told her in the past to just deal with SS' rude behavior, and now he is catering to SS at her expense. Annie, I know that you want to do what's best for your kids - is this guy really a good role model? A good step-father? Obviously he's not a good BF! Is it best for your kids that you are in a situation which led you to drinking? (Congrats on stopping, BTW). Are you going to AA meetings? You'd get a lot of support there, and it's so important that you not start drinking again. My advice would be to not worry about finding a new man, but to work on making yourself the best Mom and the best person that you can be. Believe me, your kids will be a lot better off with a sober, happy, responsible Mom and no Dad figure at all than with a Mom who is unhappy and drinking and a male figure who is indifferent to them and/or blaming them for his son's discontent.

I'd have to say that even with the problems I've had with my SM, growing up with a blended family situation itself has definitely helped me to be flexible as a person, and of course it's exposed me to multiple lifestyles and even cultures. My mom and her family and my SF and his family are all Jewish; she grew up in Pittsburgh, he grew up in Cleveland, and I grew up with them in Miami. My Dad is half Italian and half Scotch-Irish and grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania, very "Mayberry" or even "Norman Rockwell"-like. It still is literally like 1952 there, and I love that as much as I love the cosmopolitan modernity and excitement of Miami. SM grew up in Alabama. I now live in the South, and there are many things about it I embrace. (Conversely, there's several things about each place that I think are less-than-great.) I've learned to love and embrace ALL of it as literally parts of myself, and feel I have things in common with a wide variety of people. The travelling back-and-forth and adjustments have their down sides, as we've all discussed. But one thing I will say is that it can make a kid a bit more broad-minded, diverse and inclusive. Even without the culture or geographic differences. When this goes relatively well, this can be one of the ways a kid can "make lemonade out of lemons" and turn into a good experience. My experience with my SF has been all-around very good. I absolutely consider him a "bonus" to my life in every way, and very "parental" in a good way. I don't talk about him much on here b/c there's hardly anything to complain about! LOL...

All I can say is, it is not unusual even in intact families, for the firstborn or first son in particular to be slightly, under-the-table favored. Also, given the age of his first son, he has been around him more often and therefore has bonded more completely, fully with him. I'm not saying that makes it all OK, but something to ponder vs. it just being due to a 2nd family-type situation. However, it also sounds like you and your husband need to decide on joint rules for your household for both of your children. They should not be rules that are so specific and tight that, "No children after age 7 can call dad dada"! But, rules that you both agree on and are both willing to enforce. Thus, you are not left feeling like you have no say in your own household or marriage. It is now four years later, so this advice may be too late, but maybe you did make the best of it anyway, or it may help others in a similar situation.