Laurel,
You're right. It's definitely nice to know there are others that can relate to what you're going through and that you can vent. It's not our job to be the maid. It's one thing to clean up after your spouse and your own children who at least listen to you and try to help, but to bother with a child that doesn't respect you or pay attention to what you say is something entirely different. Constantly asking the SS to put his dishes in the dishwasher, bring down his dirty laundry or not to leave his belongings around the house has taken it's toll on me. The dishes I'll deal with but as far as the laundry and belongings go, well, I'm past the point of caring if he has nothing clean to wear like last week or if his clothes are all wrinkled because he didn't put them away after I neatly folded them. I hope he learned his lesson about the clothes because when he tried to blame that one on me his father had a nice little talk with him. As for his belongings, there's a box in one of the back rooms that I throw his things in. It's not my job to return his belongings to his bedroom.
I also understand your perspective on the idea of a baby. But don't you think that you and your husband having a child of your own would help your husband to realize that he can't give everything to just one prized child? Besides, once you have your own child it would be hard for him to go against the reality that he has a new family to take care of and that includes you. I've seen my boyfriend with the kids in my family and I can tell how much he loves spending time with them, and they're not even his.
I don't know. I've decided to take one day at a time. I'll be civil with the SS but there will be nothing extra from me. If I don't get respect then I won't give it. So far my new stance has worked well. I'm starting to see my boyfriend pick up on how his son ignores and treats me and it hasn't gone over well for the boy.

Unfortunately, I don't think my husband would realize that he can't give everything to one prized child. I think if he did, he would've had his vasectomy reversed already and I would've been pregnant by now. I also think he would make even more excuses for SS if a new baby were to arrive. Take for instance, DH goes out of town alot on business. This weekend, after being gone for two weeks, he had to finish remodeling our bathroom with the contractors, which resulted in 10-12 hour days. Instead of taking pride in the appearance of our BR, he ran around house chasing the prized child and complained to me any chance he could that he hadn't spent any time with him. He hadn't spent much time with me either but I wasn't complaining. The attachment there is almost unnatural, but hey, to each his own. I also have a daughter from a previous marriage, and I have never let her run my life, dictate my every move, or have given her so much control that it interfered with other adult relationships in my life.

I have also stopped doing his laundry if he doesn't take it to the laundry room and I refuse to fold it when the few chores he has to do around here, I end up doing over because they weren't done properly and the place is still a mess. My DH loves my cooking and the child takes great pleasure in slamming it every chance he gets. He sees nothing wrong with eating all of the (what he calls) good stuff in the pantry or fridge and leaving not so much a smell for anyone else. He went in to daughter's room and BROKE a candle warmer then lied about it. He just barged in without asking my DH's permission (daughter & I were out at the time). He's so lazy that if there aren't any clean plates and he needs to make something on a plate, he'll actually change his mind and eat cereal out of a bowl just because he doesn't want to wash a dish. But he thinks it's my job or daughter's job to do it. He actually stands and the chore chart and calls out HER chores but can't do his own. Anyhow, I just can't imagine being raised to think that you are the only one on God's green planet that matters and everyone else in existence around you is there to bow down to you.

I gave respect in order to earn it, but when it wasn't returned, I was done and it doesn't look like things will be chaning anytime soon.

Hello. I'm a 25 y/o single mother. I go to school full time (Graduate in November to be a RN) I have 2 children (8 y/o and 2 y/o) I've been with my 28 y/o BF for 8 mos. He is the most wonderful man on earth and I've never been this happy before. He doesn't have children of his own (although he says he wants to) and he resents my 2 y/o so much. He isn't mean to him by any means....he takes on more of an indifferent approach. Doesn't talk to him, spend time with him. He says he can't stand coming home from work and having to deal with him...he just wants to come home to peace and quiet. So, I'm in a bind now. Honestly, I hoped he would get to know my son and love him the way I do....but I know this is not going to happen. As much as I love this Man.....I know deep in my heart I cannot sacrafice my childs happiness to be with him. I am a mother first, these children do not ask to come into the world. They need love, acceptance...they need people in their lives who will guide them and cherish them. Common people....Weren't you kids once!? Try to remember a time an adult was hurtful to you or unsupportive.....how did it effect you!? My parents divorced when I was 5. My dad took a new wife who resented me and my sister. She told me she would never love me. I was 8 y/o.....and all I ever wanted was for her to love me. I don't know if I came across that way to her....but I remember crying harder than I had ever cried in my life. The truth is....these children are victims of our selfishness, pettiness, and unwillingness to change...out of fear, resentment, jealousy....It's sad. I know one thing....my child does not deserve to be resented. He deserves unconditional love....and it is my responsibility as a mother to protect him. I feel sorry for your husband. You may not have given him a direct ultimatum...but I'm sure he spends every day trying to juggle his emotions for his son...(who he loves, trust me)....and you...(who I'm sure he loves as well.) This is a hard place to be...feeling like at any moment you will fail someone you love...whether it's your son or your wife...and having to live with that guilt. It's not my intention to judge you...only to give you a perspective that you may not have considered. My advice is that you take a deep look into your heart. Soul search. Maybe if you attempt to get to know this child on a different level....as a friend. Look for the good...surely this child has something good that you can focus in on...find a common ground....does he play sports? go to his games and cheer him and be his biggest fan. Does he like to read...get him a book and read the same book and start a conversation. Does he like sweets? Take him to an icecream parlor and Get a big sunday to split.... You see where I'm going with this? You may not love this child right now, but you never will if you don't try....and I think you'll be the one loosing...here's your chance to be closer to your husband than you can even imagine....your acceptance of his son and giving him the peace of mind to know that you and his son care for one another and are on the same team....not opposing forces would be the greatest gift you could ever give him, this boy,...and yourself. Sincerely, Jess

As a biomom and a stepmom, I must say that when it's not your own child, it's just different. I carried my son in my womb for 9 months, I gave birth to him and held him right afterwards and care for him everyday. I love him unconditionally and more than my own life. With my SS, I would never be able to love him like my own son. In fact, I don't love him at all, but I think he's an OK child and that's it. I don't believe you have to love your stepchildren but it does help to get along with them and get to know them especially if they will be living with you. I lucked out and my SS never lived with us so I never really had to deal with stepparenting issues like most people do.

I can kind of relate to you feelings.Its hard having to put up with a child who has had horrible parenting,and as a result so many "irritating" behaviors.If he doesn't respect you or his dad than i can only imagine what having him visit is like.If his dad can't control him now,it will be alot harder to deal with him when he gets older.So i guess the only option you have is to "disengage" and keep yourself busy on the days he visits.If your husband wants you to stick around,then he needs to deal with his son's disrespect on his own.You shouldn't have to tolerate being disrepected by this child while his bio-dad does nothing about it.

I know your stepson annoys you, but compared to many of us you've got it made! I would consider myself lucky that he only visits a few weeks out of year and just laugh off his brattiness. I'm dealing with the same thing, but with a much younger child. If he was only around a few weeks per year I'd be dancing a jig right now. Hang in there. You've got it better than you think. I know he's a pain in the butt and no one knows that better than we do here, but try to look at it from the point of view that you're very fortunate. He could be around much more often and things could be a lot worse.

Kids who have behavioral problems almost always come from families in which there is weak parental supervision, a lack of rules and communication.It can never be sufficiently emphasized that rearing children implies the need to say no. By nature no one likes limits, but they are necessary. 'No' is a protective word." But parents that have different "views" on discipline can lead to serious rifts.Who should be the one to say no? I think the biological parent should be the main disciplinarian in order to give the stepparent time to build a closer relationship with the child and let the child learn to feel confident of the stepparent's love for them before being disciplined by them.Basically, discipline works only when the person receiving the discipline cares about the reactions of and the relationship with the person doing the disciplining.It takes time to build a warm relationship in a stepfamily. If you are a stepparent, you need to show empathy.Mistakes will be made. Children will say or do things that hurt.Pressures of the moment will lead us to act unreasonably. However, those simple words, "I am sorry, please forgive me," can do much to heal wounds and at the same time provide an important lesson in humility.Most importantly,the parents need to come to an agreement on different matters so that the children will see that they are "united".Unless both of you are on the same page,you'll keep banging your head against the wall about everything relating to this child...

Hi,
I know where you are coming from b/c I have a 12 yr. old ss too! If I were you, I wouldn't ask dad to cut out all of the visit, but I would suggest plannig a few things out that you can do for a week or two. Keep the week(s) filled with activities (at least one activity/day) and it doesn't have to be expensive. For example, go to the park, zoo, movies, swimming,out to dinner at a neat restaurant, etc. Maybe you can see if there are kids his own age in the neighborhood. Tell him he can bring his video games and/or plan to make a model airplane or something that he likes. I don't know where you live, but maybe there are some inexpensive, but interesting tourist attractions. Anyway, plan, plan, plan and then plan the visit to last only the number of days that you have plans for. I feel for you and I hope this helps. Hopefully, you can enjoy the week(s) just a little. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes!

I found this site because I typed "I hate my step-son" in to google - long story: Been dating man with 2 kids for 4 years now. The oldest is now 15 and in the 7th grade (one of MANY problems)the other is 13. I have a 5 year old and we have a 1 year old together and a baby on the way in December. The 15 yo is so awful that his mother recently signed her custodial rights over to my BFs parents and is now in the same school district as my 5 year old. The 15 year old is spoiled and has been from day one. His grandparents always tell me how he has always been their favorite. The grandma has even taken him on vacation with her to the exclusion of all of her other grandkids including the brother (13). The brothers are separated and no one seems to have a problem with that either. the stepdad has gotten a restraining order against the 15 yo - I have yet to find out why. Almost every time he has been to our house prior to his mother giving him away, he hs gone back to his mother and just out right lied to her about things that happened or were said at our home. He is disrespectful in our home and now that he is living closer to us he is wanting to come over every weekend. I don't trust him around my young kids or me. I worry that they will see my BF constantly giving in to this kid and see him disrespecting me. My kids are well disciplined (the 5 yo and the 1 year old - or as well as they can be given their ages. I think the kid is psychologically disturbed though no one will try to get him counseling, I think he has the potential for violence so when he is here I barely sleep fearing for my children and me. He gets his way ALL THE TIME. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants and no one in my BFs family will put their foot down to him. It's like they are oblivious though at one point the grandfather told me that my BF (his own son!) shouldn't take the 15 yo hunting because it was too risky to put a gun in his hands then turn your back on him!!! I have tried speaking to my BF about this in as gentle a way as possible, but all I ever hear is that "my 5 year old will turn out just like him" and "I need to worry about my own kids and quit picking on his kids" We are going to have to build on to our house which we can barely afford as it is in order to have room for a third child in the house. He has already begun talking about building a room on for the 15 yo too. I don't want to live with him. I don't trust him and I don't like him. On the other hand, telling my BF this is like making him choose between the 15 yo and our 1 yo and the baby on the way. What should I do? The thought of him coming over every weekend, let alone living here, makes me physically ill. I've even refused to marry BF because of his son (though he doesn't know this is the reason) Help!!!!

You don't want to marry him but it is ok to have children by him?

I kinda agree with TOS. I think that what YOU want is now secondary to what is best for your kids. The option of what YOU want flies out the window the instant you have kids--and that includes HIS children, too. You knew going in that he had kids.

(Don't worry, I'd give the same speech to him, too.)

Whether you like it or not, that boy is a part of your family and you now MUST do what is best for the family. There are no "me's" or "you's" or "I."

I'd say that it was time to go to the counselor to try to find out how to help his son.

The first child we had together was prior to the 15 yo moving closer to our house when the BF had said he doesn't care what kind of pain in the butt his son is, he will not allow him to interfere in our relationship (break it up) like he has all of his mother's relationships and any dates that BF had been on before me. The second child (on the way) was due to ineffective BCP. Quite a shock for both of us. I have already repeatedly suggested counseling and even found a highly recommended family counselor and an individual counselor for 15 yo, but no one will take him and family counseling doesn't work when only half the family is comitted.

I feel everyone's pain. I have 2 grown children and my DH has 2. I truly love his other child, but my 19 yo SS and I have never liked each other since we've been together (6 years). Believe me, I've tried! I don't like the way I tense up whenever I'm around him. The boy is now 19 and is a huge slob, sneaky, lies, is lazy and disrespectful, but in a nice way. I've always said he is the master of passive resistance. He'll smile, say OK, and then do what he wants anyway. His BM and dad finally acknowledged that he's got some serious issues. I'm still hoping I'll like him when he's 30 and through these horrible years, but I doubt it.

So to all out there, chill out, have a drink and find something you enjoy doing REGULARLY for yourself that's away from your family (crafts, gym, yoga, whatever). Don't stress over what you can't change. It won't make you like the step kids any better, but you'll have a much more fun. And that, my friends, will help your marriage too.

I think alot of it is because men parent differently to women, or rather they don't parent.

eg. What I am told to remember is my husband is not a mother and never has been. He has little knowledge of what it takes to be a mother as his interests are more focused towards football, accomplishments and bringing home the bacon. He is a man and his components for life differ greatly to mine. I am more interested in keeping the house clean, thoughtfulness and appreciation so I suppose in short, social skills and motherly duties.

So as the step mum, we can't understand why it is us who have to 'entertain' the little darlings when they visit, so you cannot blame him for not really wanting to stay can you? This is not your fault but his dads. If he sees so little of his son then you would expect him to want to do the fun things, but lets face it, it's normally mum who does the fun things with the kids isn't it?

I think this is why blended families are so hard. The normal relationship between mum and dad and who does what for the kids is expected to be the same wehn the marriage ends and the man finds a new partner. The woman cannot accept that she is expected to take on the 'new mother' role purely because at times, the bio mum wont allow it.

12 is an awkward age anyway, and I suspect soon he will want to be off with his friends rather than spending boring time with dad. Sad thing is he needs his dad emotionally and needs things to be normal like most kids, but sadly, step families are far from normal.
xx

Hi all , I as well uderstand what you guys are going through . I am am going through it now ..
My hubby was married befor me and has 2 kids by his x wife .One may be his the other child is not . She was preg. when they met. He gave the child his last name .We have been married for 14 yrs this may and have had no visual contact with the kids just phone calls when she would give us the phone #. We live 9 hours away from the kids...
The kids now are 19 yrs old & 16 yrs old. My hubby is closer to the oldest son and dont have much memory of the youngest.. The 19 year old Drinks and partys and does have a 4 month old baby . And at times wants a relationship with his dad .But backs off ..The 16 year old will talk to his dad but with distance.He doesnt call him dad or anything like that.. It scares me when there is talk about them cooming to see us and im not sure how to deal with that.

If you ask your husband to choose, then you are choosing yourself over your husband. Kids can be horrible. It's all part of the job. When you marry someone who already has children, you sign-up to share the burden. If you want your husband to choose you and ditch his kid, that is self-serving.

He sees his son for such a little time. I would just find a way to get through it. If you can't handle the idea that the kid is never going to be stricken from his dad's life, then you should probably find someone who doesn't have children.

> To loladoon I thank you for your input and thoughts.
If this is commented to me.
But i never said anything about my hubby had to choose. Yes, i knew he had kids , but he never seen them after the divorce from his x wife . And the 14 yrs we have been married we have never seen them .
Mainly cause of the 9 hour distance away from them and like i said my hubby rarely talked to them do to his x wife would change phone # and address `s where we couldn't reach them.
And she would do other stuff that im not airing online.
My thing is that scares me is the fact of the oldest son gets close then backs away,and his life style, We have a 12 year old son together that is my job to love and protect him. When it come to him i will do all i can to protect him some things i can some i cant as he gets older, I lost my first baby when i was 17 yrs old and he lived an hour after birth, so that has a big impact on how i raise my son.Its just as hurtful to be in out of a persons life rather it be the dad or the child backing away it still effects all involved. And i can understand why the oldest son does that.
The youngest which is 16 yrs old will talk to his dad but not as father and son.
So naturally it would scare me on how to deal with situations that could come up if they come to see us.
I was just wanting to talk about and share diff. options on to handle things,
Thanks for your time and thoughs
Jaded

This thread is from the year 2003?

Yes i know i read when they was first posted,
I posted a new comment on Mon, Jan 5, 09
I was in hopes of some respones or input ..

Thanks and have a great day
Jaded

I hate my step kid too. Its not pleasant to think of your husband with another woman making babies, much less having to care for them yourself as a free babysitter, and all the bull that comes with it. Out in the wild, hippos, lions and various other mammals will kill these offspring. I can't stand my step kid, and he lives with us :(
Anyways, if I didn't know him I'd say he's a very sweet kid, that has a speech disorder/learning disorder, and as long as I wouldn't have to be around him for extended periods of time, I'd like him, or be indifferent. But since he's my step kid and Im his main caretaker, I harbor a lot of resentment, that I worry may harm my health carrying all of this secret hate around, or that it will come around band bite me in the ass somehow later on. It is very unnatural having step kids, very unnatural to love them, it goes against nature is how it feels anyway. I have often wished heÂd get out of my life, but we canÂt afford to pay child support and I have my own daughter to worry about. If we pay more than we can afford each month, how am I going to take care of my own daughter? That would agonize me much more than gritting my teeth everyday and enduring my stepsonÂs presence. I too would get up and do the gig if I only had to have him 3weeks out of the year. I used to wish that he would choke to death, and one day at a buffet it actually almost happened, man, did I regret that wish, I cried so much, I felt so sorry for his helpless little face as he chocked for air. I couldnÂt have lived with the guilt if heÂs dad wouldnÂt of been there to save his life. Now I just wish heÂd get abducted by aliens or something, Just kidding. He's okay sometimes, but usually talks like a retard behind his years. I think he has some kind of learning disability that makes him very good with numbers, but a social retard (in my spiteful opinion). According to the dad he is a genius...Pff.. HAHA! What happened to me, I used to be nice, I still am a very nice person, it was normal for close friends to call me one of the nicest, accepting friends, accepting and befriending anyone for who they were. But being a step mom has brought out the worst in me, and is certainly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel like Angelina Jolie in that movie where the police give her a kid that is not hers and heÂs calling her "mom", she throws a pan at the wall and shrieks, "IÂm NOT YOUR MOTHER, DONÂT CALL ME THAT!!!". ThatÂs what I want to do when he calls me mom. Instead I shutter inside, and on the outside, I smile sweetly and say, Yes? This is what my life will be from now on because I married a good guy who already had a kid.

I am at a loss of words... if that last post is true!

stepmom2kids, tell us how you REALLY feel! I mean, c'mon! "it goes against nature" to love them? REALLY? If I'm in a store and see a child treated poorly, my heart aches for the child. If I see people suffering, I feel bad and want to do something to help. To me, THAT is natural... it's HUMAN to care.

That being said, I can totally relate to the behaviors your stepson has and how it makes you feel. My SD lives with us, she complains to her mom if she isn't always having fun. She gives her dad acknowledgment for things I do.. or asks him to do things, knowing he will have me do it because she doesn't want to ask me herself. (She likes to pretend I don't exist) and some of the behaviors are irritating and frustrating... but I care deeply about her, she is a child. She has been through a lot and her mom continues to neglect her feelings, no matter how hard she tries to get her mom's attention. You say your SS has no relationship with his father, I say his behaviors are a cry for his father's attention.

But most of all, I am bothered by one thing you say: "I harbor a lot of resentment, that I worry may harm my health" WHAT ABOUT THIS 12 YEAR OLD CHILD'S HEALTH? THE DAMAGE BEING DONE TO HIM BY HIS FATHER'S NEGLECT AND YOUR 'SECRET' HATE, THAT I'M SURE HE FEELS, EVEN THOUGH YOU CLAIM TO HIDE IT WELL.... That is what I would worry about!

Its not pleasant to think of your husband with another woman making babies,

You're right. So don't do it.

When you are not thinking about it, it doesn't hurt. I assume you didn't think about it much when you were falling in love with him and telling yourself that a relationship with this man (who already had a child with another woman) was a good idea. At that time you thought about how great he was and how much you'd love to marry him.

He still had made this baby with that woman but it didn't cause you pain because you didn't focus your thoughts on it. The reality then was the same as it is now: He had made a child with someone else. It isn't like this is something new and it is a shock to you. He has made love to another woman. Possibly several other women in his time. Yes, this boy is visible proof of that every time you see him but you have to get over that because you can't change it. No matter what you do (think about it, forget it, pray, cry, scream, petition the government, etc) he will still have made love to someone else. Accept that. It is not the child's fault.

If you are now choosing to torture yourself by thinking about how that boy was conceived, how is that smart? How is that an adult thing to do? Does every grown-up who is a stepparent hate or dislike their stepchildren because they think about their spouse making love to the child's other birth parent? No, because they control what they think about.

You can control what you let your thoughts dwell on and it sounds like you are letting them wander into places (like your DH making love to his Ex) where they should not go.

Counselling can help you strengthen your ability to control your own thoughts and emotions. You owe this to yourself, your DH and most especially this little boy who didn't ask for you to come into his life and who has no control over whether you are there or not. You could leave him and your DH if you chose. He cannot decide to have another dad. You are the adult and have options. He does not. You can seek counselling and other kinds of help to improve your family. He cannot.

Don't expect him to change. It has to be you.

Don't let this go on. Even though you don't really want him dead, you have found yourself thinking that. Do whatever it takes to make sure your best self controls your thoughts instead of letting the impulsive, emotional piece send you down roads you really don't mean and would never go. Even giving room in your mind to those kinds of thoughts can cause despair as you feel you are losing the "nice" and "accepting" and "befriending" you that you have always been. It can feel like he is even stealing that from you if you don't get a handle on it soon.

Good luck. Take care.

This thread is so old, I just jumped to the newest current posting, but I missed I guess where the new poster states the SS's age, how long she's been married to Dh, length of 'courtship' ect.

Is this child any different now than he was during the beginning? Did you know going in that you would be primary caregiver? I guess I'm wondering why you married someone with a child especially one that would be living with you and you'd be caring for if you did not like the child.

I think Mary above gave some decent suggestions on trying to deal with your feelings.

--"I have often wished hed get out of my life, but we cant afford to pay child support and I have my own daughter to worry about. If we pay more than we can afford each month, how am I going to take care of my own daughter? That would agonize me much more than gritting my teeth everyday and enduring my stepsons presence. I too would get up and do the gig if I only had to have him 3weeks out of the year"--

The money you'd have to pay for support might be hard to part with, but is that few hundred or so a month you're saving by being the caregiver worth you all being miserable? Does your husband have any idea how you feel?

No matter how good the DH may be or how much you love him and want to be with DH, if you can't be happy yourself in your own home and living together as a family after you've tried counseling, it might be time to begin thinking of taking your daughter and beginning a new life that will be happy and healthy for the 2 of you... it sounds like we have 4 very unhappy people living all together now which can't be good for any of you. Is your DD a child of your current husband?

I can't imagine ever harboring such hate for another person, child or adult. Wishing someone dead, then being thankful they did not actually die while choking only because if they had died I'd feel guilty...it's just all not something I can relate to.

"I used to wish that he would choke to death, and one day at a buffet it actually almost happened, man, did I regret that wish, I cried so much, I felt so sorry for his helpless little face as he chocked for air"

do you realize that it is pretty easy to locate on this forum who you are in real life and where you live?

not only your Dh but also authorities could easily find you. and if something happens to this boy one can locate you easily.

it did happen in the past on this forum. this woman was posting lies about her stepkids and kids' mom and stepdad found this forum and her posts. now that woman did not wish anyone dead, she was just mean to Sks and made stuff up about them. yet it was not a pretty picture.

I suggest you make an appointment with a psychiatrist and confess that you wish death on other people, you might be able to get help. do it before it is too late.

omg, just when you think you've read it all. calling a kid "retard" but this grown woman just posted one big, run on paragraph that's barely coherent, yeah ok.

I can't imagine, that poor boy...the only reason why this "stepmom" wants to be the main caregiver is because she doesn't want her husband to pay child support so she can support *her* daughter. What's that thread where people are debating second families from mom and dad and the differences? HERE is a prime example. You wouldn't see too many mothers treating their bio children as second class citizens to their second set of bio....just to save some $$$. (I am not saying this is all stepmothers either) This is something you see a lot, stepmom complaining about child support and it affects the childs quality of life in the home stepmom resides in. And Dads either can't tell, turn a blind eye, have rosy colored glasses on, head stuck in the sand or whatever. No wonder some kids have problems with Dads second family, they aren't even considered part of it and the childs best interests comes down to money. Sickening.

O M G -- This post is heart-breaking.

I do hope it's not real, because that poor boy is suffering terribly. From everything you've written, I would guess he has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism. It is common for boys with Asperger's Syndrome or high functioning forms of autism to have abnormal speech patterns (monotone), be gifted with math or mechanical things, be very poorly coordinated, and have severe social difficulties. In adolescence, it's also common for these kids to be terribly depressed and lonely; almost 90% are bullied. Some kids with autistic disorders are intellectually impaired; others have limited areas of genious, and still others are extremely intelligent but just socially awkward. If this is the case, he needs HELP -- desparately. And he would be eligible for it, through his school.

Please get this boy back to his mother so he can experience unconditional love again. Even if it means your daughter has no new clothes, lives in a crappy apartment and has barely enough to eat --

The emotional damage you are doing to this poor child is simply inexcusable.

"You wouldn't see too many mothers treating their bio children as second class citizens to their second set of bio... just to save some $$$."

I had to chuckle at this... my SD's mom is one of those rare mothers. She whined how she can't afford to pay her meager $216 a month in child support for two years... so then decided it was time to have another baby. Now, she is more than willing to give up her weekends & let us (as if she's doing us a favor) keep SD on her weekends.

Back to this thread...

I tried really hard to ignore the dangling carrot of the poster's derogatory remarks aimed at her stepson. There were enough things said to trigger world war 3... the issue is that the child is a child, he's acting as a child. The stepmother is acting more like a child than the child and needs to grow up or move on. We all (stepparents) KNEW [or should have known] that there were children involved and when you marry someone with a child, you make the choice. The child does not get to choose, the ADULTS do.

"I had to chuckle at this... my SD's mom is one of those rare mothers. She whined how she can't afford to pay her meager $216 a month in child support for two years... so then decided it was time to have another baby. Now, she is more than willing to give up her weekends & let us (as if she's doing us a favor) keep SD on her weekends."

And she'll do it again when she's no longer with the new baby's father. And the new baby will be old news just like SD and her older sister.

I agree Ima, she needs to grow up and move on. The problem is that she won't. People this selfish will remain in the childs life just to ruin it, to moan and complain about their hardship of being a stepparent...the gawd awful choice of being the main caregiver or to let her husband spend money on child support. Which to choose, they are both just so awful. The audacity of her husband to actually take care of his child by either housing him or paying to house him.

I know, I lived with someone like this. The problem will never, ever be them. They won't even take 1% ownership of the problem. It's always something else, someone else...they will always be the victim. If this poster comes back, watch....she will have "reasons" for why and how she feels this way and they will be all tangled up in the inconsequential little details of life. And those are all the big reasons of why she can act like a monster to a little child. whatever, it's sick

You marry the man, you marry his family. Most especially those who are his children.

I don't think it's unnatural to love another person's kids.

"What happened to me, I used to be nice, I still am a very nice person,"

I don't know WHAT happened to you but I sure feel horrible about whats happening to your poor SS. I hope your DH sends him back to his mother or somewhere safe, yesterday if not sooner and that you get the hell out of that poor kids life.

~Cat

Emma,
I am a BM who knows my husband is not fond of my son. Unfortunately for him my son lives w/us. I guess he loves me enough to 'deal'. I feel torn and awful and can't seem to make either one do anything other than ignore each other so that we can all live w/o arguements.... I try to give each one my attention and not favor one over the other. I love both of them! My son is 14...TOUGH age! If my son was only here 3 weeks out of the year, I would definately tell my husband to take a nice relaxing vacation for a few weeks! Perhaps you should consider a trip w/friends around that time...Royal caribbean has great 2 week even 3 week cruises! Good luck...It's not easy.I have 3 kids and married a man with no kids, why? I couldn't do it....My own are tough enough! Parenthood isn't for everyone...I applaud your honesty.......

Hello I need advise. My husband and I were married for two years, dated for four years. He and I had very bad marriages and we both have two sons the same age (8yrs) from our previous marriages. My son lives with us and his son practically lives with us. He goes to his mom for a week or two and stays with us for a week or two. I love my stepson he's no problem and we get along very well. I think it�s because he is comfortable around me, the love I show him and attitude I have toward him. After all he is God's child and I cannot bring myself to hate him or let anything he do cause me to hate him. You just have to lay the rules and make them abide by them.
On the other hand my husband acts like he hates my son. I would see him looking at him funny, cutting his eyes when I�m not looking but I catch him sometimes, talking to him in a harsh tone of voice especially if I�m not around. One day my son told me that sometimes he thinks his stepfather hates him. This caused me to be even more aware of how he acted toward my son. My son and his son share a bedroom in our home and they get along well. They miss each other very much when they are apart. When his son is here is polishes his shoes and do allot of things for him, things father should do and my son gets a little attention then. When he is not here it's like my son is not here. he does nothing for him and pays no attention to him. Doesn�t even ask how was his day to school or nothing of the sort. He acts like my son does exist. I have spoken to him on several occasions about this matter and told him that I need him to try and be a father to him especially because his father has been incarcerated since he was 3. he knows his father but my present husband and my father are the only two male figures in his life. Now because my son feelings are hurt all the time and feels rejected all the time he does interact with my husband too much anymore. He is afraid of being hurt. I am forced to make a decision between my son and my husband. I try to talk to him about it all the time and it causes problems between us. we have not spoken to each other for two weeks and live in the same house. I told him what�s borthing me and he feels like it�s nothing. My son had his eighth birthday on Saturday September 18th he has yet to say happy birthday to him. My son has never been rude to him and I wonder every day what causes him to feel the way he feels toward my son. His ex wife calls my house to speak to her son and my husband all the time they both have a good relationship. I don't interfere. How could you love someone and hate there child?????. This is making me sick and I can�t take no more. I am forced to make a decision between my SON and my husband. Help please.

choose your son.

this thread is from 2003, ouch

Ditto, choose your son.

this is my first time i open this topic, because this is the first time i got confirmed that my husband has a child when he's single. I felt being betrayed. I really do not know what to do, I have a heart problem which makes me bother on how to accept this big obstacle in our marrige. I can't imagine to have a stepson in our house, i can't take the pain watching my 3 children have the step-brother who owe to be treated as a son. My husband is an OFW he just spent a little time with our kids and even me, and now, its so painful to know that he should devide his time for our family and to his son,,,, i can't take the pain,

My husband and i dated for a 1 1/2,we married and soon had a child,the SS(8)and i got along great.Then as time passed things became worse, and then i had my own children i really began to despise my SS because now i had to worry about his infulence and interaction with my children, which i dread, he is very sneaky. No one holds him accountable for his behavior ever, he is now 11 and its always the other kids fault and for the most part is lacking in alot of areas such as common sense but knows how to work his father over who is guilt ridden(he and the BM were never married and seperated after he caught her with another person,he never bother with a paternity test he just took her lying ass for her word) i always catch him in the act of doind things he is not suppose to do, one day he said my 3 year old was drawing on herself but when my mother walked by the room he was holding her leg down and coloring on her, he was out "playing catch" with his cousin and instead was kicking his feet out from under him and laughing about it,his school records even show his disregard for other people,this is just some of the incidents...he lies just like his BM,i cannot stand the kid he never does anything for himself,hes always leaving things laying around and has to be reminded to brush his teeth and pee before he goes to bed or he will piss the bed,he can never eat what everyone else is eating.My brother in laws lil girl was over and playing with all this kids, mind you my daughter is still pretty young at the time and i walked into the room and the SS tells me that my dughters hair cut looks nice and then the brother in laws daughter looks to him and askes him then why did you say it looked funny and were laughing at her.She was younger than him by 4 years and even knew better.Then i had CPS called on me because his mom was claiming i left my SS to watch my BD when i left the house to go shooping and came home with 3 bags were his words(which needless to say is a bunch of bull)and he even went with the story and lied to the cps worker to the point of saying his own father grabbed him by the arm and threw him in his vehicle.The case was closed but it was closed as a moderate risk due to lack of evidences and even noted he sounded as if he were coached to say the things he did ...he is lazy he does not clean up after himself, he expects everyone to entertain him he does not know how to use his own imagination...when i was a kid i didn't have a choice you find something to do or get put to work is what i tell him and he just pouts. We took him on a trip with us to a water park and he ended up getting sick and then later told us that when his BM took him to the exact same park that he ened up sick as well

I have a horrible stepson too. He's breaking up our family. He's not even my partner's son, he's a result of an affair. He's a freak, 6'5", IQ of 70 and has emotional and behavioural "problems".

He's also really ugly, flat headed, racist, mouth breather who eats with his mouth open, stares at people with a gormless look, tips his head on his side and plays with his ears.
He has no friends, is mean to animals, is 17 and his mum who won the house in the divorce has dumped her freak on me.

His mother divorced my partner 2 years before we met. Why the hell should I have him in my house: I come from a very diverse background and have good looking, athletic sons at college and I would never have had a pasty, weak bodied and brained inbred retard like him.

No-one who's meant to love him want to be with him, so why should I? He doesn't wash, make a mess when he uses the bathroom and my partner lied to me and himself by saying "he's a little slow, but he will grow out of it"
I really enjoyed this rant, thank you

Badstepmother... as horrible as this child may behave it sounds as if he cannot help himself.

You can.

Grow up lady.

please, are you for real? he has mild cognitive impairment, he clearly did not choose to have IQ of 70. I do have to say though that i know plenty of people with IQ of 70 and below and what you described does not even sound real. did you make it up to get people going? nice...

I typed in "can't stand my stepson" and found all these postings. I too can't stand my SS. He is 11 yrs old, an only child and can do no wrong in his fathers eyes. I have 3 children of my own ages 5,9,12 (2 girls and 1 boy). I have been with my BF now for 2 years. When I came into the relationship my SS was sleeping in the same bed with his dad. He was 9 yrs old at the time. He is very spoiled(4wheelers,dirtbike, snowmobile and so on). His mother is in the picture and she has him everyother weekend and a few nites a week. Here is the problem....My SS is very jealous of me and my children. He lays on his dads lap and hugs and kisses him on the lips all the time. It is no exageration he does this all the time. It makes me and my kids uncomfortable. My SS is a bigger boy and he weighs about 165ibs. My BF allows this. My SS is also very mean to my children when my BF is not around. He is very sneaky and manipulative and my BF does not see this. I have tried so many times and many different ways to approach and talk about this to my BF but he gets so so so defensive and tells me that this isn't going to work and he chooses his son over me and my kids and I need to go and move out. So now I feel I can't talk to him so I hold everything inside and so do my kids. I have a fair amount of resentment towards my BF and my SS. Im angry and frustrated. My son is a year and half older than my SS and he is so frustrated with him. My son is outgoing. He is in all the sports and is one of the star players. He is also an honor roll student if not high honor. My BF came down on me so hard a few weeks ago saying that his son is coming to him complaining that my son gets to go skiing every weekend and do stuff for all his sports and its not fair. He told me that since me and my F____ng kids moved in his son has taken backseat. This killed me. Im so hurt. My son tried to help teach my SS how to ski and even snowboard but he didn't like it. He gave up very quickly. My son does go skiing most every weekend because it is good exercise, he likes it, and he is not in front of the tv, ipod or laptop. My son too is a bigger boy like my SS. When my son does all these things, i take my girls to the movies, go sliding, let them have a friend over and so on. I also do the same for my SS. My SS is so manipulative also. When its time for him to visit his mom and be with her, he cries to his dad and says he doesn't want to go so my BF lets him stay home. We have it set up so that all the kids go visit with their other parents on the same weekend so we have every other weekend to ourselves. We agreed that we needed this time to be togethter to make this blended family thing work. My SS will go in the bathroom and secretly call his dad and ask to come home from his moms. And most of the time he lets him. My children have a great relationship with their dad and so do I. I'm just so frustrated. He never says no to him. When my SS calls he asks what we are doing and my BF won't tell him the truth because he doesn't want to upset him so he lies to him and just tells him we are home doing nothing. I feel like a nothing. Im so mad and angry. Even my BF's friends don't like the way my SS treats and has treated their kids. They complain to me all the time and no one dares to say a thing to my BF. What do I do? I love my BF and have a fair amount of like for my SS. My children do love my BF and can do without the SS. I'm fed up and need a little advice. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so negative about my SS. I get a lot of anxienty around him and Im trying to help my kids too. I tell them to ignore him and point out that someday things will change. I believe very much that my BF's and SS relationship is a little unhealthy. My BF is treating him like a baby and not letting him grow up. I feel he is so needy of his son as his son is so needy of his dad. I always try to take my kids and leave them alone to be together because it was expressed to me several times by my BF that he wants a fair amount of time with his son alone. When I do leave and give them this time, I am treated poorly when i return. I just don't know. Please I will take some advice.

--"Please I will take some advice."--

No you won't. Your boyfriend has been telling you this is not working and to leave for a while now. He calls you children 'F^^^ing kid'. He has told you he has no intentions of letting you come between his son and himself and that he will always choose his son.

So what part of his 'advice' have you ever listened to and taken. He's been telling you in very clear terms what your life will continue to be if you stay. The guy just is not all that into you and your children. Take the hint and move out. Get on with your life. Be happy, set yourself free and concentrate on yourself and your children.

You typed in 'I can't stand my stepson'. First, he's not your stepson...you live with your boyfriend; second, you could have just as well typed in 'my boyfriend can't stand me and I'm not listening'.

You're better than this, don't deserve to be mistreated nor is this a guy who is ever going to make you happy... pack it up and go

Well, justmetoo has summed it up very well.
Why the he// are you staying with someone who treats you poorly, enables his son (in what does look from what you describe as a very unhealthy relationship) and refers to your children as "F...ing kids"? What do you get out of this relationship? Doesn't sound like much. What does your BF get out of this relationship? I'm betting free housework, sex and possibly financial help with the household.
You say you have some weekends free so you can work at "making this blended family work". Doesn't seem to be working. Insanity is doing what you've always done and expecting a different result.
Take your BF's advice, it isn't going to work and your children and you need to pack up and move out. You all deserve better than this, and it isn't going to happen while you stay.

I have an eight year old son and my fianc�e has three kids, a 12yr son, 11 and 5yr old daughters. I love his daughters! They aren�t perfect but they are wonderful girls!! I am having a hard time with the 12yr old and I just don�t know what to do because I can honestly say I hate him and I know �hate� is a strong word to use, especially towards a 12yr old.
My son is super hyper, like bounce off the walls hyper, and he�ll ask a million questions (some are really silly). I know he can drive people up a wall because he drives me nuts but I don�t tell him to �shut up� or call him annoying. I don�t kick him in his nuts under the table when no one is looking�My son told me he was being kicked and at first I didn�t believe it until the 12yr old kicked me by accident under the table when he was trying to kick my son. My fianc�e acts like I�m overreacting but I don�t think I am.
The sad thing is when someone finds something they dislike about someone more things seem to surface. I started noticing how rude and inconsiderate he is to his own siblings and to adults. I am just dumbfounded how a 12yr old can think he can hit an 8yr old who literally weighs half as much as him. I tried setting him up in his own room but then he shuts the door in people�s faces and my son will ask if he can watch him play, watch not play, the PS3 and he slams the door in his face even though my son shares everything to a fault with him. It�s infuriating. If it wasn�t ALL the time I could understand but he seems to go out of his way to mean to my son.
A couple of weeks ago he brought a friend over and I overheard him tell his friend how annoying my son is and how he can�t speak English. My son has a speech impediment and has been struggling with his �r�s but he ONLY speaks English!! Then my son called him stepbrother and the 12yr old looks over to his friend and says "my dad�s not marrying his Mom" OMG I just don�t know what to do? HELP!

Hi, I posted on here a long time ago, I think my comment was an example of one of the ugliest sides of humanity. What happens when a person really falls away from love and light. I must tell you from my personal experience, it does get so much better. My 'step' relationship sparked a spiritual journey for me. It was a challenge and challenges show us what we are made of. It takes a lot of courage to be 100% honest with yourself about what you are feeling or the person you have become, especially if you are afraid you wont like it, I'm speaking for myself. If you just have the courage to see with eyes of love, you'll see all of the beauty that, yes, even your step children have to teach you :) That has certainly been my case with my stepson.

For some reason, I was very afraid, well, its understandable actually, I had no parenting experience and am still young. I prayed and put it in my mind that there had to be a way to live a happy loving life that includes every member of the family. I said to myself, this un loving person, this is not me, I won't accept that. I prayed, then I prayed some more, and I grew the courage to see my stepson with new eyes, curious eyes, to really see him, to really look without fear, and I promise you, you will see love because that's what is there in every single person. Forget about chores for a while, forget for a little while that they are difficult or any of that, let dad handle it lol. What I'm trying to say is, take the time to intentionally see your step kids with unconditional acceptance, with curiosity because you want to know who they are, and you will find the love is already there. I've come a long way but I can say that my stepson has been one of my biggest teachers, he is a beautiful soul, and I love him very much. We are all blessed, whether we know it or not. I hope you get to see what I am talking about. And you will smile a lot more :)

Honestly, I thought I was the only person goin through this mess!!! I have an 11 yr old SS and I don't get along with him at all! I don't like the kid period! My husband is starting to get annoyed with his 2 days a week visits and him not coming to out place unless we're doing something "fun" or spending money on him!!
My husband gives him options though, like, "if you don't start making an effort with my family, we won't take you to wonderland" or "we may be going to Darien Lake this summer, if you don't start coming around you won't be coming with us". I have 3 children that I want to do things with and I'm not spending my money to include him because of the situation!! I don't work that way! I don't financially support him anymore. I used to but now he doesn't even talk to me, he thanked me through a doorway for $500 worth of Xmas gifts (that only I bought), he's rude, tried to get my son in trouble all the time. I can't stand him and I really don't know what to do!!! I've discussed things with my husband but it never changes or turns into a huge argument! Do I leave? Or do I put up with it and live unhappy due to a child? Help, I need advice!!!

Hi

I know I'm coming in a bit late too this conversation

All I ask is remember this is a child, a very confused, hurt and upset child.

He has lost his security, his world as he knew it.

It is really hard for children to accept that their parents have separated and moved on in their own lives.

This is such a final statement which some children struggle to come to terms with.

My son [now] 19 could never accept His father and I were not going to get together again, in his "bubble" world one day we would. Even today although he is 19 and I have remarried and been with my husband for 9 years he still says "in my mind mum you and dad will be back together, because that's what I want"

He has admitted to me not liking my husband for many reasons but he is never rude to him now and he is polite.

He accepts that my husband makes me happy and my son wants to see me happy.

My husband always told my son I can never be your father as you have one already but I can be your friend.

In a way my son viewed this as another form of rejection again from a "father" and this sent him of the rails completely, it culminated in a face off, with my son walking out and arranging, before I could do anything, to go back to his dad's

It is never easy picking up the broken pieces of another person's previous relationship, it is even harder when there are children involved as they are the innocent victims of it all.

Try within your heart to find understanding of how this child must be feeling, he is testing you to see how far he can push you, prove him wrong, show him no matter how horrible he is you will be there for him and still love him, eventually over time he will come to trust you and then you both will be able to build on the relationship, which will be special to the 2 of you.

It is possible but you must dig deep and be strong

it is the best option for the 2 of you

you can not change the relationship the childs has with either parent, but you can change the relationship the child has with you, and as the adult you must be the stronger and lead

I hope you are able to find the inner strength to do this for yourself and the child ~ remember it is not his fault, he is just caught up helplessly and innocently in an adult relationship which sadly went wrong ......

I'm curious to know if the original poster (TheNewMomma) is still around? The boy is now 23 years old. I'm interested to know how he turned out and how your husband's relationship with him is now?

Emma,

I can completely understand! Both not finding other women who empathize and the step child!
My SD, has been stealing from me, personal things! Panties, bras, then cigarettes and lighters, denied it then blames me, bc I took his iPod away bc he was being disrespectful and a slob. I told him to put his things in his room... He doesn't so I said, fine! It's gone! I mean the spoiled little brat already has an iPhone a tablet and a flat screen in his room... And we are not rich people!
Every thing that happens is my fault... Even his crazy mother who tries to kill herself and tells the children it's thei fault if she dies.
Now I've tried to have compassion.... But he's a manipulative little brat! And he plays the victim quite well!
When we confronted him about stealing my stuff
Both parents went on and on about how they love him and it's going to be ok.... While he cries and plays the victim as if I went through his personal things!
Unbelievable!
I feel violated! I have been violated!
And I'm tired of feeling like crap when I'm just tying to provide a healthy stable home!
I'm no saint, but I quit drinking 10 years ago, so I could have a happy healthy life.... Now I'm surrounded by step kids who are ungrateful disrespectful slobs !!!
What am I supposed to do?
On top of all of this, I have a wonderful beautiful respectful little girl who I'm probably neglecting bc I get so consumed by all the BS the SS does to antagonize me and my daughter and the father sits their on his iPad wi his thumb up his you know what!!!
I'm Exhausted! I'm So upset I can't sleep ... Then so tired I can't focus at work!
It's crazy!!
I feel crazy!!!!
Omgirl

I found this site only because I was looking for advice on how to accept my SS that I dislike and have problems accepting. I am so glad to know that there are others that have the same feelings.