she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best.

I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules.

My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.

agree with coleen. there was this story on parents forum. This one lady posted her story as estranged parent and how her DIL treated her poorly and that's why she does not talk to her son or somehting of the sort. It did sound like a real story. But people made suggestions to her that she might be too harsh on her DIL and her son, so she should try to treat them nice because they sure cannot be as evil as she decsribed. She got upset and dissapeared. But then as time passed some newly registered member posted a thread about her MIL, in this thread this "young lady" was telling the same story but now from a position of DIL. and she portrayed herself as selfish and mean DIL. Now everybody is yelling and screaming: how dare you be so mean to your MIL, you are so evil and selfish. As time passed though it turned out that that same original poster (MIL) created a new name and decided to impersonate evil DIL as to convince everybody that DIL trully is evil. When it was uncovered both posters (or actually one under 2 names)dissapeared. So people do bizzare stuff to prove the point or waste everybody's time. On the other hand it is OK to discuss hypothetical situation with the wedding or with whatever else even if it is made up. Who cares if it is real, it is not like it makes a difference for us, right? The only difference is that with real story people can provide clarifications and true details to help with discussion but in made up stories we don't have that.