she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best.

I think some kids of divorce hold on to slights (real or imagined) forever. My daughter and son were 9 & 7 when their father and I divorced. They are in their 40's now. Despite our best efforts, one rolled with the punches and the other one to this day still has little flashes of resentment. It sounds like your husband -and you too - stayed very involved in her life, making the best of a situation he chose to be able to make a living. You always hope that once kids grow up and start looking at life through grown up eyes, they'll realize things are not always the black and white of their youth. So at 29 years old, if she still suffers abandonment issues, it's way beyond time for her to own them. It may be that she's sensed your husband guilt in this regard and is playing on it. The fact that you still have family vacations is wonderful. But the fact that a 29 year old woman feels that EVERY vacation you take needs to include her, IS unnerving. I can see how that would be disturbing to you. It's like a spin off of Arrested Development! You can't really control what she thinks or says or does. You can only control how you react to it. And I think the less reaction, the better? She is likely just trying to call your bluff, but If she is silly enough to go to the same place on her own, just tell her you can probably get together for dinner one night and leave it at that. Fortunately it seems your husband also finds her behavior odd. Think how whacked out you'd be if he was agreeing with HER all the time!!

Brenk, I don't even think that your post should be "I think I hate my Stepdaughter" because your feelings towards her admirably transpire nowhere in what you write other than in the title of your post. This is a very serious and dangerous situation. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, especially during your pregnancy (as if that and then taking care of a 1-year-old wasn't enough already!!!). Biologically "linked" or not, if one of your children is harming another one of your children, what would you do? What would you do with your husband if he weren't listening to you then? I think it's clear you would make sure everyone be safe, right? A woman I met many years ago said that relationships are like wagons: sometimes the man pulls the wagon, other time the woman does... It sounds like you have to pull this wagon because your husband's judgement may simply be clouded by the guilt of it all... I can't tell you how many times I have had to have the same discussion over and over again with my husband, sometimes making decisions without his "consent" simply because there were pressing issues at hand. Talk to CPS for advice; do you have a counselor or a therapist you can talk to? Anyone that little girl can work with? You are in such a delicate point of your life, the last thing you need is stress like this. Find someone by you to give you support... Personally, I am not a fan of the idea of sending the little girl away, I think that sending the wrong message (you screw up, we ship you off); but as other posters have said, I think she needs to hear a message. Also, if you see something off about the little girl, then I take it all back and I say pack and leave ASAP.... but from what you write, it doesn't sound like that. And you know what? You may be too strict on that little girl, but for pete's sake, you are pregnant!!! You have a babe on top of that to take care of!!! It's a miracle that your fuses haven't blown completely. Not that losing your cool is OK, but it happens and you need some support. Chances are, you may be more strict than your normally would be because you have no back-up and you are doing the enforcing for 2! What helped my husband hear what I had to say when we had "issues" is that I told him that the problem was mine and that I needed his help because I couldn't handle everything. Nothing about how I felt about the kids, nothing about how he was an absentee parent, nothing about how insane or dangerous I thought the children's behavior was (we had our interesting patches too), but all about me. I don't know, I suppose he felt as if he could "save his damsel in distress", but something clicked and he stepped up to the plate. I don't know if it holds any value for you, but I will keep you in my prayers.

Greetings. I also have no specific advice for you, however I can tell that this is a huge ongoing disappointment for you. Very unfortunate for sure. I would like to offer several observations from my own experiences. It seems to me that this general attitude from your stepdaughter is not specifically related to your "Step" relationship with her, rather it is likely due to her poor attitudes and values/priorities towards life and family in general. This negative attitude could also be largely due to her own personality traits and the broad family dynamics that all families experience. I have seen this negative ignoring attitude situation with grown children directed towards their intact family biological parents, and certainly towards their siblings. Parenting is an inherently flawed process, and mature adult children will rise above the past, forgive their parents (step or not) and work to build good family relationships, if that is important to them. This ignoring behavior from the stepdaughter is probably not about you specifically, however you make a very convenient target. One thing I had to teach myself is that when I give a card or gift to someone, I would simply enjoy my internal feeling of love by giving the gift, and to not expect any loving response in return. A loving act in return would just be some unexpected and wonderful "icing on the cake," if you know what I mean. If you don't truly enjoy the giving of the gifts and cards to your stepdaughter, then there is no point in continuing to give them. You might leave this card/gift duty up to her other parents and just go on giving to the ones that will actively participate in life with you in a positive way. Leave the door open for your stepdaughter to mature, however life is short and I say enjoy the loving relationships you have with your other family and friends, and let stepdaughter chart her own course without your concern. Good luck! I hope that my comments help in some small way.