We are finally home. I just want to say how very much I appreciate your support!! This is just the greatest bunch of friends and your sentiments are more helpful than you can possibly realize. We held the family ceremony on the beach just outside the apartment where she lived. It was sunset as the beach and sunset were 2 of her favorite things. Her 16 yr. old son and her ex-husband who still loved her very much, but couldn't handle her lifestyle each took some ashes out on the ocean on their surfboards. They sprinkled the ashes, did a ceremonial splash goodbye, and just then a pod? of dolphins swam by. It was a beautiful sunset, and a very meaningful time for the family. My DH is handling it very well. He will celebrate 30 yrs of sobriety this July and as a recovering alcoholic, understands the devastation of the disease. Sara's life was so chaotic because of ;her drug and alcohol addiction and we know she is now at peace and the rest of the family can move on knowing her/our drama is over. I sincerely thank you all for keeping us in your prayers. We can start to heal, and your support is a huge part of that process. Hugs to you all, Candy

"Early twenties tends to be when you have some truly wonderful opportunities to explore life and make your way." If that's what you want fine. I wouldn't change a single thing about my life. I would make the same choices. I enlisted in the AF at 18, had DD at 20, married DH at 21 (he was 22 and just out of the AF) and we bought our first house within the year with help from his father, had DS about 8 months year later and I got out of the AF at his birth and started college when he was 4 weeks old (It was DH's last semester*) . My FIL loaned us $3500 on a $38.5K house which we repaid (he only asked for what he would've made on the money in a Money Market account) when we sold the house for $46K a few years later. Life's been good. Kids are grown and on their own, but are renting because of house prices here in northern VA. I got my degree at the age of 32 (life happened), but I make great money 17 years later. We're on our 3rd house and even in the depressed market it's worth $500K more than we paid for it 14 years ago and we owe very little on it. I'm so thankful that my FIL was willing to take a chance on his 23 yo son and the son's 22 yo wife of 1 year and loan us the money for a down payment on that first house. Those were great times then! DH was in college with only the GI bill and Ready Reserve income, I was an E4 in the AF, we had one child and were trying for our second. I loved that first house - our 1000 sq ft rancher on 1/2 acre in Gloucester County VA. It was white with black shutters, 3 BR and 2 baths and a one car garage with washer and dryer in the garage. Now DH and I have our retirement almost completely saved for (and still 10 more years to put away more money) and we have money to help the kids out (but not too too much, which wouldn't be good for them), plus money for vacations. Our credit history/score has always been perfect. To get back to the topic at hand, there has been good advice for how the son can get a credit "history" fairly quickly, and I would advise that route over buying the house for him outright, or co-signing.

From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband. I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made. This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all. The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok. If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage. After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it. The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD. For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on? Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it? You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior.

Dear Paigect, I am another one of those - former stepchild/stepmother. I didn't like my stepfather for a while, but figured things out when I grew up and we had a great relationship before he died of cancer. My first dad was dead when I got him, so there wasn't any wishing to get back together stuff. What role do you think you could play in putting an end to your son's fantasy of you 2 getting back together? Do you think that you could actually help the situation? Or do you just want your ex to be the one to deal with it? I take it you aren't remarried yourself. If you are truly trying to get your son happy and able to have a relationship with his dad- you could help. If your son acts out and is disrespectful to his stepmother and you condone it and blame it on the fantasy and her - you are giving him a message that he can be disrespectful to adults if he chooses not to like them. Do you see that? I have one stepson who is like that, and I have another one who I adore and he a loves me. The difficult one has done things that would curl your hair - choked his girlfriend, stole his dad's gun and got arrested 3 days out of marine boot camp, run around naked, at 16, holding his penis out in front of 10 year old girls thinking he's funny, wrecked cars- twice in one weekend one time, threatened me, runaway and left horrid notes blaming me numerously, got beat up at school for running his mouth and needed to be taken to the med station a number of times, stole his dad's 300.00 fish finder and lost it, lying, partying and skipping school, bad grades, no job, the list goes on and on. When do you say enough is enough? His hell bent goal was to get his dad to divorce me so he could be in charge. He wanted to run things. He blames me for joining the Marines -claims he wanted to get away from me. Now he hates it and it is all my fault. It will be my fault if he gets hurt too. He isn't responsible for any part of our bad relationship or his choices, is he? I am just supposed to take it, the blame and the horrid behavior. His room is a mess from the last time he was home - including used rubbers and half eaten candy bars stuck to the carpet. Oh by the way, his carpet is ruined, there are holes in the walls and his mattress is all chopped up - the new one I bought for him when we moved into our house together. That is all my fault too. Some kids just aren't nice. I must be doing something right though - his brother loves me like crazy. And now you can call me an evil stepmother like he does. Or you can realize that some of us have come to the end of our ropes and patience. You know what? I honestly hold my husband responsible, along with my stepson, for his behavior. If my husband hadn't made excuses for him, made him accountable for his actions and made him take some responsibility, he wouldn't have turned out as bad as he did. I have 2 of my own kids in the house too. They are not bad kids and respect my husband. My ex is out of the picture. It is like I have 3 kids and he has the one. I don't want to leave my husband, because then I couldn't keep my stepson who loves me. The older one is out of the house in the Marines now and it is a whole different household. There is peace. It isn't the his kids vs mine thing. Sure they all pull stuff. But I can discipline now and no one accuses me of being mean and targeting the step kid and other rubbish. It is fair. And there is respect and love that goes both ways. That is the most important thing. No I couldn't respect my older stepson. His repeated behavior wouldn't facilitate it. Every time it would seem to get better - he would pull something and some how he would turn it around and someone else was to blame. Usually me. Yes I am relieved he is in the marines. No, as a matter of fact, I clearly stated I didn't want him to join. He doesn't have good sense and I am afraid for him. But there is a peace in the house. Except of course for my husband. He blames me that his son is gone. But you know what - he is the one who could have refused to let him join. He is the one who could have talked him out of it. He had the influence and the power. Not me. Master manipulator that kid is, huh. Oh, by the way - the boys mother killed herself 3 years ago. She was a drug addict, convicted of embezzlement too. Her choices caught up with her and that was her answer. Now her son is going down her path. I am scared to death for him. I wish someone could help him, but I clearly can't. Maybe the marines will. And when he grows up, maybe he will figure out I wasn't that bad and we can have some sort of relationship. No I won't hold my breath though - I don't want to die, already had that scare with ovarian cancer. Life is too short to be that miserable. Until you walk in someone elses shoes, be careful how you judge them. Some of us have had waaaayyyyy too much to handle with perfect grace. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. That is the path of a stepmother.